When Stars Stood Still

The stars stood still for you
The sky spread wide apart
The day felt so new
This was a fresh start
The earth was ill prepared
For the gift you shared
The bridge was placed
Between the flesh and the word
The journey offered
Narrow and difficult
But the reward
So good
So pure
So worthy

Dusts of Oblivion

Perhaps,
In you there is nothing for me
My insides are scarred from life
But I made a vow and I mean to be true
You linger here, seemingly
With nothing in your heart
I keeping waiting for the love to renew
And the truth comforts me
Because a burnt forest takes time to grow
The world can pass before I stop 
My heart was broken but I keep vigil
Waiting
Waiting for you to know
I am not going anywhere without you
My resolve is rigid, my faith is strong
I will love you til there are no stars in the sky
Until all hope is gone
Waiting
Waiting for you to know
I'm never leaving, not leaving you
Until the winds of oblivion blow
Dust through my skeletal hand

Fatal Fascination

Only a person who has
seen these things, could
know these things, could
desire these things.

Only a person with a problem
in his head, could imagine the
dead by his hand.

I am a poem unspoken

These wounds are grievous
But I must bleed
I am not someone's desire
I have no one to love me
I am broken into pieces
Unredeemed and crying
Not a mystery
Nor a secret
No one will be my fire
Wind without a sail, breath without lungs
I am broken, a poem unspoken
Tears keep falling down
I miss you now
Like I loved you then
Fully and fulfilled
My sorrow is my crown
Worn like a king of nothing
Surround by a mansion
Of empty rooms
I am worthless without you
Devastated by this ruthless knowledge that
I am alone, I will be forever
Having known you, having lost you
Having had you call my name
I wish I were dead
Instead I am a king of this emptiness
And wear my crown of shame
Upon my turned down head
So no one sees these tears
Of failure

Unrequited Kiss

I long for the kiss of Azrael
But he refuses to allow it
I wish to go away forever
It is just out of reach

I attempt to surrender
But it is ignored
There is more of me lost
Than will ever be found

Necrotic at the core
I am less living than dead
No memories left to remember
Grown cold and laying

Upon this frozen ground
The clouds above a confluence
Of darkness and light
Never stopping

Dancing before earth's auditorium
They are comforting but silent
Yet they beckon me
To go to the other side

The prison of flesh is my tedium
The other side is freedom
The clouds spin
The spiral of energy flows

The opera sings my requiem
But I am still here
Who refuses to sever
The chains that bind me to this place

I am ready to leave
Let me fly
Life is my pain and death my opium
The door is open

Azrael kiss me, kiss me deadly


 

untitled

Some think that the universe has justice
Some believe that life is good
Some believe that all the pain
We feel
Ultimately will remind us
Of what is true
Of what is worthy
Of what is just
But I don't know
I've no idea
I believe life just is
I believe that we exist
I believe all there is
Is what there is
And God knows
Why we live
Why we die
Why we sorrow
Laugh or cry
I don't know any more
Don't know the path
Don't know how to find
Heaven's door
With every dagger's twist
Every ironic shift
From every hope
To resolute exhaustive surrender
I don't know why we are here
And I don't want to remember
I just wish to sleep
I just wish
To go away
Dream of the end
In my cold little place
In my cold little world

Worn

This sorrow wears me
I am worn like a blanket
Weighted with lead
Drowning
My dreams have died
My flesh is cold
I've nothing but sorrow inside
Driving me down
Driving me down
Where nothing lives
A blackness fecund
Torments and chains
Holding me down
With no need to commit suicide
My life flees
Upon its own
and my sorrow
wears me
Like a fucking crown

The Adams Monument by Augustus Saint-Gaudens

Beauty in Ice

Amidst this frozen miracle
The winter darkness
Still bears life
I am fascinated by
Pure water forming ice
Patterns form and are beautiful
Delicate yet sharply defined
Coldly etched upon the surface
Time will erase them
The day will birth
The sun will rise
They will melt and fade
But until the thaw comes
I am content
To look at them
And wonder at them
Because their beauty reminds me
That nothing lasts forever
No matter how beautiful they might be

(Photo Copyright Owned by...)

Beneath the ice

Overhead an eagle flies
Above the snow field
Beneath the river ice
My stream still flows
In winter I am
Still alive
Upon the surface
A crow dances upon the snow
For life exists
No matter the season
I must persevere
Despite my sorrow
Despite the many reasons
I find
To not go on
There will be no winter kill
I will not enter
Oblivion
Willingly

Passion without fear

Like a beast
Without shame
It is within me
It hunts without fear
Unwilling to be tamed
Wild, passionate
Unsubtle but silent
Hungry but restrained
Hidden but real
My passion for you
Cannot be held back
I long for you
Like a beast
Upon the hunt
Your being near me
Like a feast
Your lips
My desire
In my heart
A beast hunts your being
That beast is unquenched
With absolute fire

Fair Nymphaea

A fool perhaps
I was immune to the fear
Because I dreamed
I saw hope instead
Of the red skies
The doom that covered the horizon
The sleep of the gods
The seed of oblivion
Passing not born
Because I saw your beauty
In a world torn with pain
I saw someone so unique
The sorrow of the tomb
Emptied with the proof
That love is eternal
That we might know the truth
By one who is in soul bloom
Nymphaea
Nymphaea
Beautiful princess

(photo copyright-- Yoko Nekonomania)

Like Sheep to Slaughter

We enter the slaughterhouse
By our own design
Giving up the joy
The hope
The dream
Giving our life
For instant pleasure
For instant death
By the inch
We created the slaughterhouse
The one we will die in
For our love of things
For sins
That kill us

Wie Schafe zur Schlachtbank geführt

They tell me

Told to go on
But I can't
Told to stay strong
But I'm not
Told its a long road
But I am tired
I don't have enough
To share
Don't have it in me
Anywhere
I am exhausted
In every way
So I break
There is nothing to do
There is nothing to say
I'm just here
For other's sake
I don't care anymore
I don't want to care
Ever again
I am undone
Undone
My spirit is slain
I am flesh
But without the will
To remain
So cold

Seeds

I cry until my heart is drenched 
Loving you should mean
I am grateful
But that is too hard
In the absence
Sometimes I bleed
From desire
Unquenched
I grow bitter
Without your love
But
Both gratitude and bitterness are seeds
That bear fruit
Hope is a fire
Inside I am dying
From the desire
To love you
I vacillate between hope
And the pain
Of nothing

Zion's Lions

Hounded for their wealth
Hunted for their race
Hated for their beliefs
Killed for being alive
They chose instead to stand
If they set their weapons down
They would die
If the other wanted peace
War would end

Alone now and forever

I can't survive the sorrow
Your absence punishes me
There is no hope
Nothing can redeem
How I miss you now
And will never be free
Tears of sadness
Streaming down
The place I stand
Becomes unholy ground
For there will never be
A way for me to be
Healed
Hopeful
I need to be released
From this endless prison sentence
Of missing you
Of being alone now
Without your presence
I can't survive the sorrow
My heart will always grieve
I have no way of leaving
This unholy place
I made for myself
Without you
Now
And forever

Clash

In the bowels of the earth
Even below river Styx
To the depths of Hell
Oni and their master
Torture stolen souls

For the dead this is a curse
All hope is eclipsed
And their spark is but a shell
They burn and hear laughter
The ringmaster has complete control

For the rich there is hunger and thirst
Their beings are transfixed
As they hear the ringing of tolling bells
The Archduke of Hell has an answer
Telling all to enter the shadows

The Hells are neither safe nor fair
The burning, suffering, leather whips
Here only the evil dwell
For the lost their past is a cancer
The bodies covered in eulogy and black roses

But one samurai challenged the fear
He entered the dark realms alone
Wearing common armor and sword
Refusing worry, he acted swiftly

Ready when Oni appeared
He'd find victory or never return home
The demons attacked as a horde
The knight battled deftly

While this dark realm causes bitter tears
The samurai had come fulfilling Bushido
He accepted death as part of life and words
His will and sword were at once deadly

Finally the samurai cut through the terror
Closing his thoughts and raising his ego
The enemy was beaten, except for the guards
And shortly they'd be met, by one who acted directly

Upon the throne the ringmaster sat
Holding in chains the hostage
That the samurai sought to free

The samurai walked forth bravely
The enemy completed exhausted
Only innocent blood can be used to redeem

At once the Samurai jumped to throne's steps
And reached for the hostage to take her
The ringmaster stared coldly
For he had been tempted
To keep his prize
But decided that time would deliver
His ultimate goals

Between the Fear and the Madness

My enemy
Please don't tell me that you're sorry
You've never experienced regret
Your heart is empty and cold
A useless vacuum
For holding forgotten feelings
You tell stories
From a place
You could never know
Your heart is empty
You possess no soul
You sent me to hell
When you began the blaze
Burning a pyre
Of my flesh
For your pleasure
Caged me in a prison
Of my own madness
And broke me down
All the time
Death and sleep, my sole escape
What do you care
But for your own benefit
I may dance
With the death
Waiting for me
But you are the one
Complicit
With my agony

Shirley Ness, 1926-2012

People love telling you, it seems, how you will go on after a loved one passes.   Life will continue, they tell you it will just take time before you feel better.   But for those who loved my mother, life went on, during her torment from Alzheimer’s disease.   We watched as she went from a ball of energy, her will and energy never fleeting to someone quite different.   She was someone quite changed, not really who she was before being afflicted by the hellish disease.

She came from German stock, her parents were immigrants to the US, from Germany, through Canada.   Her parents were not wealthy, and during the Great Depression with four other siblings she was faced with lessons of living that only the traditional German work ethic  helped make less hungry.   Mom learned to deal with problems and stress by working,    Arbeit Macht Frei is a phrase in German that means Labor sets you free.    The expression comes from the title of a novel by German philologist Lorenz Diefenbach, Arbeit macht frei: Erzählung von Lorenz Diefenbach (1873), in which gamblers and cheats find the path to virtue through labor.

She lived Arbeit Macht Frei like no one else I know.   As a child I would wake up from not being able to sleep well, or having not been able to actually fall asleep, and would come down to find her ironing clothes, watching late night television, and she’d be up the next morning before dawn, to get the day ready for her family.   She did this all the time.    If labor sets you free, she was more free than anyone could be.

But it wasn’t simply her ethnic heritage, nor her growing up during the Great Depression that made her so able to focus her energies, and live upon little sleep.    She was driven to survive, first by dealing with achieving a life better than she’d grown up with.   Then to create a family, to be parents to children with her husband Donnie.   But while both my mom and father worked hard, and managed to make a life better than some, they were unable to conceive children, despite medical help.   They turned to adoption, and made a life for children who might not have had a life so good elsewhere.  And then, when my mother held my brother, then a baby, to her breast to comfort him, she noticed her nipple was sore.   Since the child was not birthed from her, she knew something was wrong.   She saw her doctor, and learned that she had breast cancer.   Immediately she feared not only the cancer, which in 1961 was still a mysterious disease, but she feared losing her precious gift, her newly adopted child.   It wasn’t an unfounded fear, she was facing the unknown.

She beat cancer.   And then it returned.   And when it returned she had adopted, with Donnie, her second child, me.   She worried that she’d die, but again that she would lose her adopted children.   She beat cancer again, this time losing not only her breast but her lymph nodes.

She beat cancer.   She beat poverty.   She did so through will.   She was a tough German facing a challenge, a sort of combat, and she beat it through superior will.

Whatever memories people have of my mother, they remember her for her energy, for her constant motion and her will.   She loved life, dancing, and coffee.   She was hard to deal with sometimes, she was stubborn, but her heart is why she was stubborn.  She refused to lose.  

So now in her memory, when all I want is to not exist without her, I am going to do what she taught me, refuse to lose, and go on.   It isn’t what I want.   It is what she’d want.   And that is enough for me.

Into the gray we walk

Into the gray we walk
Without a touch of regret
Only souvenirs
Linger
For when we forget
Why bother to keep
What doesn't matter
The waking call it life
The sleeping seek peace
Into the gray the pace quickens
While thoughts scatter
Images fade
The living we lived for
Live another day
And we keep walking
The dreams unspoken
The choices untaken
No more tears
No more hearts breaking
Only the sounds
Of children laughing
The ocean tides rising
The wind through the trees
And the mourners walking
On the broken ground

Dawn

The edge of light
Showing
The mist parts the veil
Of night
Pitch black
Crowds the sky
Of color
But for the stars
Life is fading
Memories are scars
Darkness reigned
And held me
In firm embrace
My hope was gone
But the day will come
A golden dawn
A promise
Because there is more
Than the darkness
That dwells
Surrounds and fills
I have no choice
But to live
To wait upon the day
For sorrow does not feed me
While my grieving
Is without relent
There is a promise
That redeems
The coming day will be good
The days that follow better
Because I cannot hope
Upon sorrow
I will hope upon life
And tomorrow

Burning tears

Hollow from the pain
Staring into the emptiness
The world heaves in sorrow
The fires of eternity burn
Until there is nothing left
My soul is afire
With the tears
That leave me silent
Watching the scavengers
Feed upon my flesh
My corpse barely cold
Before the fetid feast is begun
Nothing can tame
Their hunger
And my body is now bare
Bones to dry
In the sun

I Can't

I've prayed for days
Upon my knees in solemn faith
Forgoing all that might sustain me
Trying to forestall what is to come
The inexorable march never ends
From dawn to dusk, day to night
Time passes
Only to stop by capricious whim of fate
I can't take your hand  and draw you away
From this place to a better place
No matter my tears, offerings and sacrifices
Because the inevitable cannot be stopped
The end will happen
The end is already begun
No matter my sorrow
No matter how I grieve
For things never said
Things never done
That all leave me
Undone

Plague Take Us

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

Who are we to delay 
This end
Our final inevitable fall
Who are we to pray
End this suffering
Lord hear our call
The children dance in a ring

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

Lord in heaven
We are crying
We are dying
Please
End this living torment

Every ounce of sorrow
Of each moment of time
Begs our forgiveness
From the Divine

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

We call
We call
As our plague takes us down
We sing
We sing
The children sing their song

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

Then we dance in circles
Hoping to survive
But the dance we do
Only wastes our time
As we pursue
All those things we don't need
Yes we will pursue them

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

We become lost indeed
We've surrendered
Our souls begin to bleed
We forget all we've learned
There is nothing to remember
We engage the curse
From the world we've earned
With our hearts of stone
The plague will harvest us
It runs through our veins
Without our ability to atone
We've eaten all the fruits
From our own planted bitter seeds
And we've been left to our own

Like Silk Feels

She moves like silk feels
Against my skin
Her voice calls me
Awake from the dead
The scent of her hair
Of her being
Drives me mad
Not in lust
But for a person so
Rare
She appears before me
Riding an astral wind
The wind blows through me
I lose control
She is unique
Yes, beautiful
Perfect
I fall to my knees and pray
That she never leaves
My thoughts
My soul

Shattered Empire

Once we rode before the highest king
Were the holders of the holy fire
We carried the Derafsh Kaviani
The banner of the emperor
And the royal house
Of the Sassanian Empire
Formerly we were the elite
Now we are remnants
Scattered across the land
Still loyal to the Emperor
Without an empire
We eat upon the run
Ride at night, hide during the day
The collapse of the empire
Separates us from our kin
Fleeing the invaders
While fighting to survive attacks
From the enemy outside
And from wounds within
We no longer fight for a country
For an empire or emperor
We fight for our lives
Against the innumerable tribes
Of the crescent star
We could never return
After al - Qadisiyyah
All that was left was taken
All that was home was gone
Never to rise again
So we ride

Life Alive

You move like air through the wind
You are fluid in dance
Before me
I can barely draw breath
You tempt me forward
Into your hands
And I am freed
You are beautiful
Like no one else
And I believe
First I  stare
Then I gaze into your eyes
You are unique
A spirit being
Captured in flesh
My heart beats
My soul sings
You are here and
This is not a dream
You dance before me
And I watch in awe
For you are stunning
For you are life
Alive

I found a different treasure

In 637 Anno Domini
After the battle of al-Qādisiyyah
Destroyed the empire
There were few of us left
Leaderless but we survived
We lived off the land
Raided the enemy's supply lines
Attacked various units of their tribes
But although we were alive
The empire had died

We freed men taken slave
We killed countless enemies
We filled their bodies with arrows
We opposed the wave
Carrying the banner
Of Crescent and Star
We rode hidden trails
Became the ghosts that they feared
But the empire was dead
There was only the resistance
Given by the lost
For a cause that was gone

Coming upon an enormous tent
Of the enemy's
Heavily guarded
So we assumed it was a leader
And his treasures
Liberated from Sassanid hands
We surrounded it
Shot the guards full of arrows
We entered the tent when done
To find a different kind of treasure
Pleasure slaves of all races
The word in their language for it was Haraam
Forbidden
But it was forbidden only to some

I was disappointed not to find
Some fearful leader
With his guilty hands
But I saw someone there
And could not avert my eyes
She did not disguise her gaze
I was blind
For she looked through me
My armor made no defense
And she said take me from here please
I couldn't deny her

I've been her's ever since

So what?

It might be you I need
But so what?
So what if I love you
So what if I care
So what if my heart beats
Only for you
Yes it is unfair
But there is nothing I can do
To change you
I don't need you
To tell me you love me
I don't need you
To tell me you care
Because to love you
Is enough
To love someone is my cross to bear
Because you are the one I love
You are the one I need
You are the one I seek to dream of
And that is enough
That is all in fact
To sleep thinking of you
To dream, being with you
Whether you love me
Or not
I do
And that is enough
For me to breathe

Sands sands

Trading fear for pleasure
Trading safety for leisure
Trading love for lust
Trading all
For nothing

nothing

Grains of time
Sands fall through
The fingers of my hand
Every second flees
Never comes back
To you

absurdity

I make decisions and watch
As they break into pieces
And the voices mock me
And lost chances tease

purpose

I could throw my life away
I could give in and go away
But there would be no redemption
There could be no question
I threw it all away
For nothing
Except for the end

hope

Will I see you there
Standing next to me
Will I be aware
Of how you redeemed
All my sorrows and pain
All through life's cold rain
Will I see you there

THE WINDS AND WATER MOVE US

Where the waters reach
We will go
Where our chieftains lead
We will follow
The villages of our neighbors
The unprepared
The weak
They will fall
We then return
Before the sea of ice
Crushes us
In the floes that churn
We come back
To the lands of snow
With the long nights
Of darkness
Behind us
In our wake
The villages raided
Afire they burn
We are vikings
We go
Wherever the winds and water
Move us

Because you are love

Embraced by this
An eternal dance
Our pas de deux
A storm inside me was made calm
The moment I reached your hand
Because you are love
As the rising ocean tide meets the sands
As the air in the sky surrounds the sun
A new day is promised by the dawn
As surely as there is a sun in the sky above
Because of you I long to exist
You embrace my being
I long to forever kiss your lips
Your love redeems
I long to touch you
I long to gently sweep my hand across your mane of hair
Your love has tamed my wild soul
The hardened rage of passion, inside of me, is made soft
My heart seeks only to be in your possession
In your presence I am made pure
In you I will soar
Aloft
For you are love

Ash

It was unquenchable
I burned
My love was alive
A raging fire
But you extinguished it
Easily
Inside my heart the life bled out
Ash remains are all
That are left behind
Now you return
Wanting things to go back
Like before
You say that you miss me
But
You don't
I have no doubt
You don't miss me
You miss being adored
And I am still composed
Of memories
And ash
Behind the door
Of my heart
That still beats
For you

Nothing Remains

My soul was removed upon birth
I was seen as a sort of curse
My flesh was hated and abused
Because I dared to have a mood
My life is not my own
I am expected to be alone
Forever now, will I sleep
Intellect stolen, replaced with dream
There is nothing that remains
I am screaming, gone insane

A raven will land upon my shoulder

When I die a raven will land upon my shoulder
It will watch as my body pulses in passing
But I will be standing, my flesh tied to a rock
For it is written that when my taboos are broken
My spirit will fail
Not even my spear Gáe Bulg shall save me

From the fall, from final defeat
But my life spent was worthy
From the time my spirit was forged
To my dying
I will walk all of the land
From eastern Ulster
To the paths of Leinster
Bringing hope to the fallen
Bringing victory to the good

I will die

Yes
But upon my feet
Still standing
For my land lives
And my spirit will return
As if the first who sees
The beautiful lands
Of Ulster

This land
This wonderful land
The glorious green
Will remain
Forever pristine
For I am Cuchulainn
The very Hound of Ulster

The Mystery and the Truth of Love

Some want everything
I  just want a kiss from your lips
Because I don't know if you know
How much I am able to love
Now
I don't know if you know
How I found out what love even is
Because
I learned it from loving you
By learning what it means to be true
From the love that you gave to me
That I never earned or could possibly
Even fathom the depths
Of such truth
I learned how to love
From loving you

Finer than Lavender

You fill my senses
My being is awash in you
Within the moment is sublime
But even within your presence
I know
I will dream of you
Later this night in my sleep
Your beauty is exquisite
Your spirit is a nectar 
There is no other
Who might compare
Your scent is finer than lavender
Your voice is gentle and sweet
Your skin is softer than silk
Fair love
Fairest one
I am yours
So deep

Walk Away From Me

I've had enough
So broken
In pieces
Shattered
Scattered
My heart fallen
Fate teases
Faith promises
But I am undone
Walk away from me
My love
Turn away from me
And walk
I am not the one
Who can save you
From the wounds
That you inflict
Sip by sip
On yourself
The bottle is your best friend
And I can't get in the way
Of that friendship

Moving silently

Your love isn't loud
It isn't a voice
It isn't a sound
That rises above the din
It is rather a powerful movement
There in my being
Silently
Buried deep within my heart

Undone by you

I am so undone by you
So moved by you
Every time I see your form
Approaching
Every time I hear your voice
I have no choice
When I see you I shiver
I never know what to say
Never know what to do
I surrender to my fate
Of loving you
Like a child in a candy filled room
Your scent stirs my senses
That scent more lovely than any perfume
Your beauty is so great
My mind reels in the surreal
You help me believe in eternity
By the words you share
By the love I feel
When you speak to me
When you touch me
When I am in your gaze
I belong to you
Always amazed
When you offer to me your hand
To be near one, to be loved
By a being more lovely
Than all that is true
I am undone

I smell rain on the desert's horizon

In the drought plagued lands
The dust so thick it chokes
I smell a coming storm
Where the earth will renew
Joy will emerge from behind the cloak
The veil pulled back demure
Revealing the plague's harm
Skin cracked not smooth
The dreams of paradise lure
Sleep from the sleepless
The storm rises
The rain falls
Upon the floor
Of the desert
Where the world once laid
Green and abundant

Unrequited

I believe in you
I know your spirit is divine
I long to be yours
Your beauty is sublime
I love you
I always will
I always have
Forever exists
I feel it to my core
But there is no time
For me to conquer
All the demons that haunt  you
That devastate your mind
I can never be yours
You made that clear
I can never be the one
Who you want
Who you desire to hold you
When you are crying and suffering
And you want to have near
Love does not require acceptance
Doesn't need to be requited
All it needs is to be held
Inside my heart
And I hold it dear
There
For it is all I have of you
Until the final dance
When oblivion takes hold
I will be in love
With your soul

The Path

A life is given to be taken away
My soul is eternal but my flesh is not
This existence is temporary
My soul will dance
Long after my flesh has turned to rot
My flesh will betray
I am lost to my lust and temptations
They lure me from the path
I learned my life could never be kept
So it was given to me to give to others
The first will be last in the upside down kingdom
I surrendered my will to that of my great king
But I am exhausted
My flesh is tired and I sorrow my failings
I have yet to find that city upon a hill
I have sought truth and have walked forever
I will continue seeking
I long to know the proper way
I am broken but I am ready
To surrender all I have
Even if I have nothing worth keeping
The journey has taught me to endure

Sympathy for a kiss

Just a kiss?  No.
Something more
Something rarely given voice
Was it destiny or a choice
Was it an act of betrayal
Or an actor performing as directed
If the story was told and the play written
Was he fulfilling his role
Or was it the devil who had entered
Was he choosing to be or was he a puppet of fate
When Judas kissed Jesus
High Priest Caiaphas exulted
For his men had arrested one
Had taken the man causing the trouble
Who was this Jesus?
A teacher, perhaps an Essene
A rebel, a wolf in sheep's clothing
Caiaphas turned over this one
To suffer Prefect Pilate's whims
The Romans knew how to crush men
Knew how to wound the flesh
They were given this Lamb of God
To be offered to be a sacrifice
To push out his final breath
Under the yoke of Roman law
Judas kissed Jesus, called him teacher
Christ knew Judas would be the one
But was it betrayal or fate
Was Judas cursed to be the one?
Did he have faith, was he a traitor
Or did he do what he was born for

Black Rose of Sorrow

I fell from the greatest heights
I could never express
The sorrow of my loss
So darkened the day's light
The sun fled
My grieving knew no end
I lost the one I loved
Leaving me forever
Alone
I gave her my heart
She gave me a black rose
The beauty was dark
The thorns of the stem
Pierced my side
Black blood did bleed
Into nothing but emptiness
Where once my heart
Did beat

Dynamics

My decision
Your chaos
My darkness
Your religion
My suffocation
Your obligation
My duty
Your faith
My hesitation
Your negation
My dharma
Your kharma
My confusion
Your illusion
Let this oblivion end
Let all oblivion end

Expectations of Perfection

In the end I was
Undone by expectations
That the others had for me
Of perfection so surreal
I regret my living
A life that wasn't fulfilled
I forget the many times
I was forgiven
For the trusts betrayed
I am dissected by the truth
My flesh is a puppet
Of the others controlling the wire
Of the others who guide the line
Putting the words in my mouth
Aiming my body towards the path
Trying to avert final judment
The creator has for me
Who am I to question
The others who wish perfection
The maker of this flesh
Must have been mistaken
For my flaws I've been forsaken
Why do I even bother
To wonder why
I've been left here
To die
Drowning in a desert
Burning in the cold
Freezing in the heat
Of humanity

Fly

You make me wonder
Are you made of stars
You make me wish
To fly
More powerful than thunder
Your love heals my scars
You are a gift
You are the answer to why
Why go on?
What is there beyond this world
I might never know
But that I tasted of your being
Kissed your lips
Lets the grace and mercy flow
And knowing you
Heals
All the things that wound me

Fading

As this existence fades
Far away into the gray
Forever becomes a dream
By which we keep
The love we made
In this world
I cannot reveal the future
But to offer one thing
All we are is spirit
All our flesh is cage
This human life is temporal
And when we die
We'll see
A world far different
Than this one
For long ago
Eternity was begun
By one far beyond our seeing
To find that place is a goal
Few can ever reach

Walking

I walked a mile with a stone in my shoe
You slept in the hospital bed
I was numb to the pain
You would be screaming
If you weren't covered in tubes
My shoe covered in red
The socks were stained
I didn't what I'd do
With you gone
I'd have to start over
Live somewhere new
Find a new life
Or die myself
Before you
I had to choose
So I kept walking
Until I could think of a plan
That might work
But I'll have to keep walking
Because there is nothing good
Without you

Until you Return, I will wait

Clouds of dread
Casting shadows
There is coming
Eternal night
But you said you'd return
So I wait
Without conditions
Unreservedly
Patiently
Despite annihilation
The world turns
All around me
I have faith
That you will be back
While the fires of Armageddon burn
I wait
For your appearance
To reconcile my soul
With redemption
But my heart turns black
In sorrow
For the time it has taken
Watching the world fall apart
So shallow and empty
Forsaken
I wait

Modern Living

Empty like the dreams they had
Their lives crushed beneath the steel
And concrete
Broken
They are now dust in a world modern and surreal
Overgrown with tangle and brush
The earth reclaims its own
Without regret
The lives lived there faded
Flesh passes into the gray zone
Spiral staircase follows downward
Collapsed and broken silent since
The uncertainty
No words can relate
The level of emptiness
Of modernity

Torch Turned Upside Down

Though the torch is turned
Upside down
And life is extinguished for now
The angel of death victorious
Does not celebrate
Rather
She weeps
For another opportunity to succeed
Lost
Drowned in the failures of flesh
Another life sent off to dream
And sleep
While a new life draws first breath

Filled With Empty

I am nothing
Bound up
Held within a shell
A personal hell
My flesh decays
Inside
A living black hole
All my thought and dream
Sucked down the pipe
Spewed out into oblivion
The blackness
The dark
The dead flesh is ripe
And my fetid remains
Sink down into
Mania
Sorrow
Fear
Emptiness
Alone
In pain
Fighting tears
Fleeing fate
The hollow
The daze
I remember life
This is not it
This is a life betrayed


"There is no worse sickness for the soul,
O you who are proud,
than this pretense of perfection.
The heart and eyes must bleed a lot
before self-complacency falls away."
Rumi

One Standing

Despite his beauty
and lineage of divinity
He bore the woe of a people
Grievous scars
Achilles, Akhos Laos
Grief of a nation, through wars
Kleos, glory
Untold woes

“Sing, Goddess, of the rage of Peleus' son Achilles,
the accursed rage that brought great suffering to the Achaeans”

Warrior of endless rage
Anger towards every foe
Black soul mourning
Sorrows deeply flow
Impeccable warrior
Son of the Gods
By rights a hero
By his acts feared
Wild rage unleashed
The enemy bled
His way was violent
Cruel
His opponents fled
His countenance seared
Into their psyche
Long before battle

“Achilles glared at him and answered, "Fool, prate not to me about covenants. There can be no covenants between men and lions, wolves and lambs can never be of one mind, but hate each other out and out an through. Therefore there can be no understanding between you and me, nor may there be any covenants between us, till one or other shall fall”

Priestess

She alone will tell us
What the gods know to be good
But she does not desire your worship
Nor your company
You do not approach
You are summoned
You are not allowed
You are shown
You are not to speak
But to be spoken towards
For she is the one
The gods recall
She has spoken to them
Hovered beneath their feet
She has eaten their fruit
She will teach
She will linger in the holy
She will fetch the truth
For all to learn
She will reach into the eternal
Pulling forth divine knowledge
When ready she will offer
A taste of the gods' nectar
She will offer more
Than we could ever ask
If we simply allow her
Time
Silence
And solemnity
While she completes her task

Covered by the waves

Laying silently they are there
Memories of a fallen age
Long since knowing the sounds
Of human activity
Their past residents
Lost in time now
So far distant
The present day
Ignorant of the world
That lays beneath
The waves cover
The monoliths sleep
Resplendent antiquity
While humans forget
Living in ignorant regret
The times of modernity
Swirl up and erase
The traces of the past
And the memories are consumed
By the pride of man
Today

Complicate

Make me bleed
Exsanguinate
Shit on me
Defecate
I can't breathe
Suffocate
I cannot fight back
Retaliate
Just let me be
Hate
Nothing really matters
Just complicate the truth
Let yourselves be freed
Bleed into the world
Of color
Justify the lies
Make the others pay
Complicate reality
By screaming obscenities

Tears in the coffee cup

My hope is growing thin
But I don't think it matters
My heart has been broken
Before
I need to get up
The coffee is getting cold
My tears keep falling in
The cup
The morning is rising
The sun is breaking the horizon
I can't stay awake
Any more
Waiting for you to come on home
I don't know where you've been
I don't care where you go
I just can't take it any longer
Watching you walk out that door
I'll be here when you come back
But my heart left a while ago
Soon the rest of me will follow
I know you don't care
But I did
I won't go on alone
Drinking coffee and crying
Sleeping and waking up
On the kitchen floor

Pyramids Of Another World

Deimos sits beneath Mars' gaze
Standing silent
Watching
Because the Gods are eternal
And transcendent in power
Because they are beyond the minds of men
Because they are outside of time
Having no use for seconds, minutes or hours
They are able to reach across space
With but a glance
And seed their children
Across the universe
Stars will fall
Galaxies chase
Oblivion's game
But the Gods

Addict

Although I never
I know the addiction
I never tried the lot of them
Not one entered my mouth
Or entered my veins
Drugs of any sort illegal
Not even to assuage the pain
The moment after I kissed her lips
Beyond the lingered in embrace
I began to twist
Like an addict in withdrawal
The moment I saw her face
My body screamed for more
In abject need
Like some unwritten law
That says when you meet
You must engage
And you never can
You never will again
I twist
Like some heroin user's rage
Like an alcoholic's return
To the beast that bore him
An addiction you cannot tame
I twist
Every time I hear her name
I twist
I twist

Where my Heart Lays

Where my heart lays
In the lap of the one
I love
Is beyond compare
For I have begun
To be
To know
I have only this
The present and now
I have only her
My lover and soul
I long to breathe the air
That has rested in her lungs
I long to be the man
Who is the one she loves
I long to stand
Next to her
Forever
She is my dream
My desire
To be with her
Together
When time never ends
When the sky turns infinite
In beauty

I miss you but I missed you

If I could live without feeling that again
I'd be happy
I never got to hold you
To kiss you
But I know
How good it would feel
You said you loved me
I said I can't go
I miss you
But I missed you then
My life is too real
To give in to fantasy
There is only today
Maybe tomorrow
No back when
When you loved me
Because those days are gone
I miss you
But the time is done
When I could say yes
To dreams over a horizon
So now I sit
With my thoughts
Taking sips of my liquid killer of the pain
Overwrought
Thinking about tomorrow
Since it is all I have
Today

Sorrow is a bloody souvenir

Sorrow is a bloody souvenir
A memory of loss
Grieving and bleeding
Without relent
Raining down tears
Over that which cannot change
We hold onto that memory
The regret that lingers
You cannot forget
Nothing can satiate that thirst
For redemption
The echoes of the emotions
That go on
Sorrow steals our hope
And drowns our ego
Step into the pool
Wash your sins away
We can never know
The ways of life
All we can do
Is swim
And try not to drown

Scimitar Moon

He waits for the chance to prove himself
But those who he serves hope
That he does not have to do that
A warrior's burden is
Honor and boredom
To remain taut with agility and strength
Despite the weariness of duty
The inactivity making you fat
He serves in truth
Hoping to prove himself worthy
To be, for just one moment
The one the master deems good
Faithful and unshaken
That one chance to be
More than his entire life has made him
He waits for that time but
The urgency of the boredom
Reminds him
That his role is one
Without reward
Outside of knowing
By his presence
He won't need to be the one
Deemed worthy

Son of Death

To live is to be willing to die
At any time
To truly live is to live upon that edge
Between living and dying
And having no attachments
To either side
To be a samurai
One must serve
And be willing
To give his final breath
To offer his life
Without question
To his lord
For any reason
Unto his death
For no other purpose
Than his request

Your voice

Hi,
I heard the message that you left on my machine
For a moment I thought is this a dream
So divine, it made me feel drunk and giddy
So sublime, it made me wish I was asleep
But you know
Since you left I've been in a daze
In your absence, I've been shattered
As if glass from a window broken
Falling from a 71st floor window
Falling
Down
In Death's embrace
Your voice reminded me
That my life was good once
Like some child's happy song
But now I am shattered
Across the ground
My hopes scattered
Gone
So gone
So long my love
I miss you
Gone
So gone
Goodbye

Crimson Waves

Beneath the waves
Of crimson flow
My heart is carried
Broken in two
From the wages of love
From the cost of hope
The wounds are smooth
The chest smokes
From the burning of pain
From the rejection inside
When you turned me away
My heart simply died

Questions

Like the clowns at a circus
Making us laugh and cry
The questions entertain us
Make us wonder why
But to ask a question
I wonder the purpose
Or the answer is thrown
Like dust to the wind
We do nothing
While we watch
The world is a carcass
Vivisected into pieces
Waiting to be examined
For some God written thesis
Why are we here
Why do we live
Why do we die
The logic is specious
But worse is this idea
That we can ever know
That the world can ever show
A reason to exist
Beyond the absurd
Splatters of paint and smoke
Ideas and words
Laughed at by the crows
We can't figure it out
In the meantime we are watched
By the ravens and the crows
They laugh at us
Just birds 
Because they go on
Like we should
Because we don't know




Why

What Would There Be

Staring at the moon
Contemplating again
I wonder inside
Beyond the magnificence of the stars
And wonders of  this world
About you
I wonder without the rains coming down
Without the sun coming up
Without the winds blowing hard
Without your love
There'd be a world of emptiness
There'd be a world of sorrow
There'd be no one to love me
There'd be empty tomorrows
And that is too painful to imagine
So I stare at the sky above again
Not thinking about the world that might have been
And gently remind myself
That you inhabit my deepest soul
You fill me to the core
That you do love me
That you are in my heart
That you hold me now
And ever more

Without, Within Burns

Rain and winds
The gathering storm
Screaming
Inside
Let me out of this cage
Wrapped in flesh
The fire has raged
Still burning
Consumes my core
The rain is tears
That flow
Down
Whispering ashes to ashes
Sorrow to sorrows
Hope is gone
Love longed for
The dream is lost
Plagues of sadness
Reveal the cost
Darkness ascends
Joy departs
Grieving alone
Broken heart
I used to be a man
But now I am regret
An emotion bound in pain
I can never forget

Frozen in Place

Ancient it stands above the horizon
Beyond approach of time
So cold, and yet
So perfect
The spire rises above the mountains
Surrounding it
The beauty of it is sublime
Constructed of ice by the Elvish races
To commemorate their stand
Against the men races and orcs
Who invaded and killed at will
Atop the frozen planet
The spire stands so still
The winds chastise and destroy
Any living thing
But the spire rises and stands
While the winds howl and sing

Oasis

You are an oasis in a desert
And when there
You quench my deepest thirst
My imra'a, it is you
Princess of my world
Because of you I am free
For to live in the world without love
Is as if you must swim in the Rub' al Khali
Empty
Without hope
You are lost before you’ve begun
But because of your unsubtle compassion
The depths of a lover’s soul
I swim in the deep
You are more than my longing
You fill me to more than full
With every promise that you keep
You erase life’s miserable toll
I should rather die
Alone and unloved
Than to ever hurt you
Because in truth
You make me whole

Human Flaws

Destroy, consume and reveal

I cannot conceal

How my life has transformed

From death to life reborn

Watching the smoke rise 

Black and thick into the sky

No bitterness is left

No time to rest

I never knew to fail

I lifted the veil

There is nothing inside

To make me decide

That my life is worthless

I will not acquiesce

To the shame

Of my humanity

Under Safe Skies

In late summer
The fields of grass are tall
The days are warm
Quiet before the harvest
I was laying there
Staring up
Under the safe skies
Remembered when she held me
I slept upon her bosom
So safe in that place
As if I were fetus
Sleeping in my mother's womb
The winds were gentle
The sun was bright
The embrace was firm
Nothing existed but each other
And she held me in my dreams
Kept out the thoughts of life
That smother me
She left long ago
And breathing is still hard
From missing her
My heart still lingers there
In the tall grass
Though I am scarred
I long to return
To where safe
And she held me
Where the days are warm
And my dreams are fair

One Lance, One Body

Better that I die
That the teeth or
The talons of steel
Should slay me
Than I allow any harm
To the people I defend
I am called to arms
My lance
My body
My bones
My flesh and steel
Are owned by my lord
For his purpose
I am fulfilled
To slay the wyrms
To hunt the dragons
To kill or
That I should be killed

Grinding Gears

We exist now
But we are becoming obsolete
Are we naive to think that we are more than
gears, sprockets, cogs of a mighty machine?
We can be bred in a test tube
All of our parts can be harvested
Sold to others or replaced at will
The moment our DNA is coded
We will not even have to have lived
We can be made from scratch
In a laboratory
And avoid the pain of birth
Avoid the hand of God
As humans become the master

She is there, And she is perfect

Though the world might revel
In horrible things
As the hearts of men grow cold
To morals and principals of good
She is perfect
When I see her
My heart is light
My soul sings
She warms my soul
When I see her there
If I could speak to her
My heart would shout
For she is beauty
Nude to the world
Her soul unclothed
Uncovered to all
But still with demure
The globe would stop
From turning
Should she sigh
Her beauty is great
Her being is gentle
Her soul brings comfort
Her form is exquisite
I will always be moved
Even should I become cold inside,
Because of her
For who and what she is
The very Gods would cry
Should she be saddened

Her Eyes Told Stories

I served in the Emir's guard
Assigned to the ha'rem
Because I was worthy
I refused to partake
In the temptations there
There was one who moved me
Her eyes told stories about her past
I was honor bound to protect her
It wasn't about glory
I wanted to be the last one to ever harm her
Life has consequences
Wealth and beauty make life easier
In some respects
But in the path to heaven it doesn't matter
Whatever you do for someone in kindness
Is worth it regardless of the return
I was sworn to be her guardian
Over time I grew to care deeply for her
Because I saw her  as a woman of great quality
The others in the Emir's company
Were like scorpions
Backstabbing and betraying
She was above that
Her beauty was immense, yes
But her greatest trait was her spirit
And kindness

Reveal

Wear the Raven mask
To see reality in focus
Instead of the false imagery
Instead of the dreams
We seek
The skies are turned red
The world faces plague
The end beckons
We avert our gaze
We turn our head
To wear the Raven mask
We are forced
To see existence fully
The vision so clear
The ways of men
Must change
The path to truth
So narrow
So few follow
Even less see
The Raven mask reveals
A world in love
With pleasure
With its gluttony
With its consumption
With its excess
When existence is more
So much more
We close this chapter
As pleasure whores
In shame

Victory

Deep into February
Forbidding and gray
Nonetheless
We can see the sun
In winter
Frozen, staid
Foreboding
Bursting in our chest
Our breath proves
The spark remains
In the silence
Walking upon the snows
Chilled inside
To the bones
The feelings reveal
We exist
Despite the cold
And in that life
There is victory

You fill me up

When I thirst
You fill my cup to overflowing
When I pray
You fulfill my heart
Until it is singing
When I sleep
In my dreams
You will be there
For you fill me up
With your redeeming love
You are the lover of my soul
Your voice called me
From the endless pain
And you filled my heart full

The Ring

I lost my heart
You lost yours to doubt
I don’t need anything more to know
I don’t need your voice to tell me I’m wrong
I don’t need to see the empty house
to understand that you’ve gone
I could see it in your eyes
You stopped loving me long ago
I’d have committed suicide of my ego
To keep you here
I’ve been undone by you, undone by love
Made myself a fool
Failed
But I will endure this
I will have faith
For my hand still bears your ring

Love is like riding a tiger

You don't choose love
It chooses you
You may walk into it
But you don't ask to enter
You can't force your way out
When one climbs upon
the back of a tiger
One does not thereafter
get to choose
When and where to dismount

Gettin' out of Texas

The dust storm followed me like it was an escort
With wings and a black flowing cloak
I hit the gas and flew through the panhandle
I wasn't lingering or worried
Stopping only to piss and smoke
I'd had enough of bad harvest and no work
So I took my car and bedroll
And drove til I ran out of gas in Oklahoma
Stopped there for a while
Drank the diner out of coffee
And smoked cigarettes until I choked

Before her

(Meteor Shower photo by Nilo Merino Recalde)
A universe and its contents
The planets and the moons
Stars and more
Before her all stand still
Her beautiful manner
Her eyes and lips
She is about to dance
And the universe pauses
For to embrace her is all
They can think to do
Her figure is liquid
Her form is perfect
And her moves remind us
Of just one thing
That the original dance
Was done just so
And with that dance
The universe came into being  

Karma?

If there is something called Karma
If “what comes around goes around,”
Then we are all well and truly screwed
If we believe that we do good
To get good back
Then we do it for no greater purpose
No greater good
There is one deed that breaks Karma
That ends every single legacy of curse
It happened on a wooden cross
And the event is grace
UnearnedUndeserved
And through it we are saved
I don't believe in Karma
Because I believe that one act broke the chains

A Beautiful Butterfly, Flies By

In a meadow, in a field
Far far away from here
A butterfly gets trapped in a current
Of air
It shows no fear
Adjusts its wingspeed
And flutters away
Causing a changing in the atmosphere
Causing a response in the winds
Somewhere unprepared
Comes a storm
Far worse than could be expected
Crashing into the shore
Come waves
Greater than planned for
And in the meadow
In the field
The butterfly
Gently flies

Should Death Take Me

(painting by Jeffrey Catherine Jones)

Death may take me
When I am content
When I have lived
When I have seen all that is
I might fall
My body might break
But Death can wait
His quota is full
I prefer to sleep
Dream of worlds I have not yet seen
And long thereafter
To be awakened
In a field in Elysium
Rather than stolen from this place
By a scythe
Born by a wicked beast
Who has a kiss that equals
Death

You know...

You know that bullshit about love means never having to say you are sorry?
Pure shit.
Love means apologizing and owning your flaws.
Love means knowing when to say you are wrong.
Love means caring enough about your partner that you give in
Because pride is stupid
Because selfishness is sin
Love means being responsible for another
Love means you want them to be better, but also happy
Love means making things happen so that things are better
So say you are sorry, own your mistakes and move on
Damn it.

Sorrow and Roses

Sorrow, crying and roses
Laying upon the tombstone
She weeps unconsolable
Her love has been lost
She remembers what she had
She understands the ultimate cost
Of going to war
Her love will pursue him
Into eternity
And someday she hopes
To join him there

A Frozen Realm

On a planet distant from our own

A winter scene with mountains

Two moons hanging lowly

As a snow encrusted ruin stands

Where a lord used to call home

Armored and armed

Covered in furs

A lord of a domain

He'd ride for days patrolling his land

Watching for incursions

Of the winter kin

Of the drakkon wyrm

Of the beast men

Who tormented the empire's northern reach

The lord surveyed the mark

For the empire

And its citizens

Rode the pathways

Rode the trails

Loyally

With his scouts

With an army prepared

To respond

The scene is silent now

For the winter storms have raged

Since the planet cooled

And life retreated far within

The cold, distant place

The Beauty and the Danger, of Apollo

We fear
We love
We stand from afar and gaze
Healer and bringer of plague
Guardian of the sun
Keeper of the moon
Apollo stands so far above
All that we are here below
Beautiful
So beautiful
So dangerously beautiful
Filled with magnificence
Beyond my comprehension
Apollo holds all in rapture
A God amongst Gods
Spiteful and capricious
Yet loving and tender
Who am I
To question his nature
From afar

I will remember

Some return in coach class
Via commercial flight home
Others in the wooden box
Kept in the belly of the plane
War kills
War changes live
Some insist that all are heroes
Some insist on much the opposite
Going off to war doesn't make someone a hero
It doesn't even necessarily make them a soldier
But going to serve does something that I haven't done
It causes them to return changed
It leaves wounds that are silent
There are heroes who are celebrated
Others who never show their pain
No one seeing combat returns the same
For all of their sacrifice I honor them
I remember them
I pray they are blessed
I pray their families remember the lost
And remember their names
Forever
In glory for their service and without shame
For I have not walked or fought in their shoes
And I pray my son doesn't either