Thursday, December 31, 2015

JCN Little Bird

My only child
I will miss you
With every breath
So much every day
I will bleed
And I will just call you
To see if you are ok
For your safety
I'll miss you
Little bird
You are free
But be safe
Because I already miss you
More than I
Could ever have believe
So very much  I am paralyzed
By my grief
Leave with my blessings
And with my prayers
I took your hand
My darling boy
I walked with you
To the park
Played and built
With Lego and toys
You are my joy
As a family
And I can only
For you hope
Dream well And pray
For your great success
And when you do
I will be complete
And whole

Monday, December 14, 2015

Finished until 2016

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Saturday, December 12, 2015

Do with me what you will

There is nothing
I will not do
To be with
There is nothing
I can do
To get through
To you
I surrender
To you
All that I am
Do with me
Whatever you will
I am yours to command
I fall before you
Upon my knees
I know you are all there is
And you are all there is
I need to please
Please, oh please, let me be yours
I have been destroyed
Since I found out
What I do not have
And probably
Never will

Friday, December 11, 2015

In your service

Oh to know you
To inherit eternity
What does it require?
Is there no magic
That can bring us closer?
No words in sequence ?
Only power in your lexicon
Your perfection is no secret
Great in knowledge and reason
You took me from Babylon
Saved my people from bondage
When slaves in Egypt
Now your water runs through me
You've quenched my thirst
Following you is not religion
Knowing you is truth
No rituals followed
Can bring you closer
Only communion
And repentance
Let me be an incense
Upon your altar
Let me a scent
That pleases you
Let me be in the service
Of my king
Let me be yours
Oh my lord

Thursday, December 10, 2015

no fears, no regrets

Just because I could
I did
Even though
It might be suicide
I was told to fly
But not to try
To reach so far
As to reach the sky
I ignored the advice
And touched the sun's face
My wings melted and
I fell and the angels cried
Crashing to earth
My flesh died
Who I am
Who I was
Will never live
By avoiding life
Who I am now
Will never die
By regretting my choices
That were right
I might be gone
But I touched the sun
When others fear the thought
Of flight

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

This world

All I see looking out upon the world
Faithful people are being silent
Assholes are doing assholish things
Fools are blaming others
In a bloodsport
Reveling in the violence
As the world splits apart

“But this was not quite the right kraken apocalypse.”― China Miéville, Kraken

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

When I come this time

You tied my hands
Offered me up
Told the crowd
They had a choice
I was sinless
But I threatened
What you think
You wanted me
To shut my mouth
But I could not
I have truth
That you cannot handle
You can not end
A rebellion
By killing one voice
You cannot stop a fire
By dowsing one candle

Monday, December 7, 2015

Skulls on the desert floor

No longer breathing
Far from living
Like a memory tossed out
A skull of a living being
Left behind
Like a marker
Upon the desert floor
Was it slaughtered
Did it die to feed a human
Or did it wander too far
From the water
Exhaust itself was the cause
Did it escape a predator
Summer heat rising
Body temperature
Both ascending
The need to escape
Too much pressure
And the ox simply died
Without notice
Of any of kin

Sunday, December 6, 2015


Fragile heart
Such delicate beauty
Intricate soul
Your love
Is much
So much like
I hold you above
All I find
Delight with
When you delay
I am
Sorrow unspoken
Bleeding out
Filled with doubt
Nude before my accusers
And covered
With scars
By waiting
For you
To say

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Offering a confession

From the deepest depths of my heart I offer a confession
I waited to be delivered and you
Are my deliverance and redemption
Would you believe me if I said
I loved you before I even knew you
Would you believe I knew you
Before you ever met me
You were a dream
My ascension
A vision
A promise
Someone given to me
In love
To soothe my heart
To heal my scars
You were my hope completed
And I could not have imagined a better gift
Galatians 6:9 "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."

Friday, December 4, 2015

I belong somewhere else

I can't turn back the clock
And do things over
I cannot relive moments
Where I failed
Those sins mock me
But I can live better
By learning from them
The fact that I can't go
And make things better
Haunts me
And I know
The past is dead
My days grow short
And my flesh grows old
My dreams die
And my hopes grow cold
All I can do
Is wait for you
To throw open
The doors
Of my prison

“The world is a prison in which solitary confinement is preferable.”― Karl Kraus

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Join the Damnation Army

And again
In my mind
I remain
Turned inside out
Every time
Leaving nothing to doubt
I give in
I shout
I pray
Nothing can save me
But why worry
Doesn't matter what I say
Doesn't matter what I do
I can't give the words
I can't read your mind
No matter
How much time
I take
How many times I try
That avenue is closed
To me
And everyone else
I break under the stress
And nothing is left
For you
Or for my own salvation
Hey join me
Starting my own
Damnation army
We'll conquer the world
We'll leave tomorrow
Leave the world in tears
For all the sorrow we felt
Without a bit of help
Not one speck
Of reconciliation

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

God has given life

My life was settled
I was tame
No longer wild
And he came
My heart grew twenty times larger
By loving a child
My body pains grew
Twenty times worse
When he grew up
Leaving home
But I'd not trade any of it
Not a day, none
My soul was made new
By going through
The most beautiful
Most frightening event
The addition of him
To my life
I'd have nothing
Worth having

Tuesday, December 1, 2015


She said "Trust me
I promise
I'll be back"
I said "ok"
It is better
To just
Accept that
She's gone
Knowing now
What I should've
For so long
I fell to the bed
In a thump
It was empty
And I thought
Instead of sounding
Like it
I'd rather actually
Be dead
She said
"Why do you care"
And you know
I no longer know
All I feel
Anymore is
Trust me?
Trust me?
I'll get right on that
Trust me?
I trust that you'll leave
I trust you indeed
Trust me

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Lion The Lamb Greece

2500 years ago
Greece became the front line
In a war
Between individualism
Against the tide of collectivism
And the power of the autarch
One man one vote survived
Over one man one kingdom
The concepts of modernity
Did not die
Because of the Greek courage
Because of Greek beliefs
And in modern times
2500 years later
The Western nations boil
In their identity crises
Who are they
What are they
And they view Greece
As a sacrificial lamb
To the god Mammon
And the appearance
Of the collective
European state

"Democracy arose from men's thinking that if they are equal in any respect, they are equal absolutely."  Aristotle (384 BC-322 BC) Greek philosopher. 

 “Evil is ancient, unchanging, and with us always. The more postmodern the West becomes — affluent, leisured, nursed on moral equivalence, utopian pacifism, and multicultural relativism — the more premodern the evil among us seems to arise in nihilistic response.”  Victor Davis Hanson

Monday, November 23, 2015

Existence and Eternity

Love consumes my soul
Without conditions
I become fulfilled
Eternity swallows me whole
My soul is healed by the struggle
This path, the journey
Into endless search
Eternity and the Cosmos
Defies words
And is truth

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The King of the Broken and the Decayed

I am the King
Of the broken
Of the rot
Of those without hope
The flesh of the decayed
More deviant than Rome
Orgies are nothing
Compared to my being
Crimson banner
Crown of thorns
Throne of nails
Kingdom of bones
Empty promises
I am the king
Of the false
Of the lie
Of the betrayal
Of all things
That are good
Step out, my soul
From behind that veil
Stop hiding
Embrace my heart
Taste my fear
For once
For I am the one
Who will fail
If you do not save me
Redeem me, bring me
To the kingdom
That will make me whole
Let me breathe
Let me live
Heal my soul

Where my being has bled

I bleed, I do
Even if my own motives
You find to be bent
People have motives that are found
Not in entertainment or paying rent
A person is moved where they bleed
Don't measure my soul
On earnings or money spent
Life has pain and greed
They swirl and toss us about
In our lives debt compile
The world leads wherever we go
Without any doubt
I need money due to the world
There it is, the divide in total
Money is no reason worth dying for
But Love
I need love for every reason
That makes me whole
It is worth
My life
My body
Bone, blood and soul

“I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear; 
lips that cannot speak, than a heart that cannot love”  
Robert Tizon

Saturday, November 21, 2015


Tried destroying me
To torture my soul
Tried to consume me
Tried to enter my mind
Change my thoughts
They failed
No need to bring the inquisitor
I'm not willing to lie
And less willing to be
Under another's control
I will answer if I must
I would say if asked to tell
I am the prison
I am the prisoner
I am the keeper
Of my own level of hell
No minister to the wounded
Simply a bad example
I am the greatest sinner
And every step I take
Leads me further
From the place I
Long to be
I long to be a virtuous man
Who is honorable
And just
To my deepest core
I long to be him
I am called to be him
I am meant to be
But am no longer
Any more

Friday, November 20, 2015

Delivering Redemption


She came delivering
Not packages, just hope
I tempted fate and took a walk
Leaving a fight with someone
I loved more than life
My heart beat like mad
I saw her coming up the flight
Of my apartment after the fight
Earlier I had walked away
Quickly and I had left, angrily
We had a hard time listening
Slipping between
Screams and whispering
And tears
Even though I'd not been at fault
I was responsible for not being clear
Worse, I was not forgiving
Which led to no understanding
But she came after me
Seeking to make it right
I had miles to grow
Years to learn
Adulthood to enter
But she came to me
After I had left
And was the first person
Not to throw me out
With the trash

My wife was the person in my life who was the first one who ever gave me a chance to explain myself, to be forgiven, to be understood.  We all need to belong to something or someone.  I knew my heart was in the right place, in her hands.  Years later after years of journey, things are never easy, because life is not easy, but I refuse to surrender.  She is my love.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Crossed Arms

Can't move forward
To find deliverance 
Frozen in the moment
Tortured by the memory
Buried seeds of bitterness
Giving birth to sorrow
And a broken legacy
Of mankind's sleep
My heart seizes
Ignores my need to breathe
Entering deepest dreams
Tangled nightmarish
Prisons of flesh
Enter coma
Never leave
Ignore the stains
The bloodstains
Hold me tight
Don't let go
Let me breathe
Air you've held
In your lungs
And let out again
Let me breathe
Only that
I melt


As the day of mankind ends
We see now in the dying light
Of the descending sun
How we have failed
Suffer our youngest seed
For all of our foolishness
Laziness, lies and addictions
While you were laid there
We pounded every nail
Lifted you upon the pole
And we laughed
Told to simply breathe in
And absorb the wisdom
We exhaled
We mock our existence
With every act, every thought
Deviant unsurpassed
We end our final moments
Made whole by our dereliction
Unraveling what God has wrought
Bestial to the last
We refuse communion
And the final repast

Quia filius hominis corpus sepultum

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Stay in my embrace

I love you
My dearest one
Ma cher amour
Drowning in life
I found myself
Mal de mer
Love is a place
More beautiful
Than anywhere
Stay in my embrace
My love is endless
Never fading
From view
Let me escape
A life of despair
Love is a place
I've only experienced
A single taste
And you are
The finest vintage
Under spice and savory baste
The most exquisite fare
You make my world
Awake with flavor
And joy

Monday, November 16, 2015

The Call to my own

The frozen snow glistens
As the moon rises
All the children beasts
Come out
From their lairs
They dance
They shout
So loudly I can't hear
My own kin above the din
So many out there, so few listen
I call to the ones I call my pack
But with the noise
Drowning my call
I try to let them follow
By the beats of my heart
There is a rhythm
And a trust
I know each
By their gaze
Their breath
Upon my neck
And their gait
And soon
We've gathered
As our pack
We begin the hunt
Like it was our last
For the old days are gone
And the man races prosper
And we dwindle fast

“We have doomed the wolf not for what it is, but for what we
deliberately and mistakenly perceive it to be –the mythologized epitome
of a savage ruthless killer – which is, in reality, no more than a
reflected image of ourself.”  Farley Mowat

“And this is what happened, and this is why the caribou and the wolf are
one; for the caribou feeds the wolf, but it is the wolf that keeps the
caribou strong.”  Farley Mowat  Never Cry Wolf 

Renew before you lose everything that matters

If we feel hollowed
Emptied by the loss
Never sorrow
Death is fleeting
And more will follow
Crying does not bring shame
Nor does knowing our fate
The world will live
Despite humans dying
The answer is cancer
And the question is why
Do we invite our decay
We are our own death
And blame others
When instead
With our death
We try to
We resist
Our nature
We deny
Our creator
Instead we offer
False treasures
Lives lived for pleasure
And foolishness
Passed off for
Find the path
Discover that
Eternity is a circle
Renew your soul
Learn the truth
Drink from the water
That is forever
Let your soul burn with fire
And not the embers

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Clay and Spark I am

Brown and red mud
Confluence of life
Water and dirt
Mixing freely
Clay and spark
I am
The ocean water
And my blood
Both are alike
Teaming with salt
Over time I tried
Holding back the flood
Of existence
With one wall
When I fallI still love
I am still alive
I have to shout
Crying out
For help
I am crushed
But still I will exalt
The one who made me
From nothing
Nothing but an idea
And purpose
Because I am fragile
I praise the maker
The one who came from eternity
The hands of an architect
Who is without flaw
Who loves perfectly

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Loneliness is a plague

Crushed and crying
Alone by my own hand
I would not settle
For just anything
And you refused to be
The one who'd be my only
Instead of me being lonely
Because I would rather
Have nothing
At all
Than not
Have you
Call me a fool
I'd rather be alone
Than be
Me with someone
Who isn't you
A plague
Of sorrow
Covers me
Than any

Friday, November 13, 2015

A prophet's voice

I have seen the fires of eternity
Born of the guilt of society
For the children who died
Before their time
I have felt the heat of destiny
Forging the steel of the weapons
Burning with deception
This world
This universe
This fate of our existence
Is no less than earned
Worthy are we
Bring upon us now
The fires of reminiscence
Where we sit in the glow
Of our atomic bonfire
And nuclear snows

Bury Me

I think about the past and it wounds me
The present goes too fast
For me to really care
The future is not a promise and
I don't think that life is fair
But it does not matter who I am
My life has shattered and still it flows
Whatever I do is dust
In the end
And I don't believe in ghosts
All I care about
Is my family
And friends
And cats
And world
All I want is that all 
Are happy and whole
Kept from harm
Alive in the light
Awake in their soul
For now though I am tired
And I must sleep
Until forever is over
Good night
Bonne nuit

Thursday, November 12, 2015

decide already

I lied

I keep trying
but I still
want just to
be held
kept warm
and sleep

the rain in my dreams
never stops
and there are no people
to hate me there
like in the waking
hating world

I can't decide
still crying
as I lay
upon a bed
of tears

why should I
bother to leave a note
other than
to let them know
I quit
I'll be gone
to celebrate
my passing

No calm only storm

The cemetery swallowed up
The bodies of the faithful
The floods came
Torrential rains
The graves were emptied
Amethyst skies
Following the hurricane
Calm centered peace
No one knows the pain
Of sacrifice without gain
Of giving flesh for hope
And now we are alone
No home for us
Only our path
Before us

Wednesday, November 11, 2015


“Stand still. The trees ahead and bush beside you are not lost.”
Albert Einstein

every step further into the gray
the ghost has walked into memory
no attempt to return to life
that journey is over, that way was empty
to walk still
to make a path
is the only option left
no remedy or sympathy
no cemetery or past


I believe that we are waiting
Alive in the flesh as a first act
Trained to be compassionate
Delivered into chaos as a task
We are flesh covered sparks
Given a chance
To perform loyal duty
For a King of the Universe
And to defend the wall
Until such time as we are called
To return
And the universe may burn
But we will be satisfied
To know the architect
Of forever

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

my warmest wish

It is there
in your arms
there is no harm
no pain
no storm
no worry
you heal me
with your beauty
and charms
and gentle
so warm
that I never wish
to leave

Photo copyright Jonathan Ness 2015

Blinding me

Never free from the lure
Of oblivion
Disobedience can be deadly
You said never look directly
So I stared at the sun
Blinding me
This abandoned son
Deserved his abandonment
I longed to be free
The chains cut into my flesh
And I simply wished
To have a free breath
In the body
That was not a slave

Monday, November 9, 2015

Betrayed by Truth

God is my sovereign
His word is truth
Truth is his domain
And there live's my king
In that land
Where my king's castle stands
I do not live within its walls
But the truth rules
Who I am
An outcast because I fear the words
That scarred me
All my life I've known
Abandonment, fear and decay
There is one conceit
That I must be wanted
But I was not and
Was instead betrayed
I could not be wanted?
By at least one?
How could that not be?
That I am not and never was
Is a truth shatters my lie
I've fought hard to remain
Aware, awake and alive
But why bother to bleed
If every single drop is in vain
No one cares if should die
Why bother dying
If there is no one to mock me
As I fall
Deeper and deeper
In despair
Why not live the lie
That others have lived before me
I am worthy
And I should be proud
I am good enough
For all to love
Not just by one
But by everyone


burning inside with questions
answers don't fulfill me
go for a walk but still feel like shit
with the clouds pissing down rain
my tears mix well with it
so cold and determined
I can't go on
she gave up
she couldn't go on
and now
in this fog
my body is invisible
except to the pain
all I ever thought
was that
we belong together
but nothing remains
I give up too
nothing left to fix
as the rains turn to snow
I gave up crying, for coughing
who knows, maybe I'll get lucky
and start dying

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Evidence, Proof, and Invitations

So many people demand proof.  All I can say is that life is proof.  Death is proof.  Every soul born to this earth, will die.  No one gets out alive.

As such, I no longer care about the facts. There is no such thing as evidence or truth that all agree upon.  Life does not bother with fair, only upon contempt.  That is, contempt for idealism, for hope. I am scorned and I am losing my mind.

It is decaying inside and out. There is nothing there except for my emptiness, left there after the trauma stole my thoughts.  I am hollow inside after having had a raped soul.  I was not a victim, but I did not give consent.

This world takes and does not give.  All along I have desired hope and peace while this world offers damnation, instead.  I exist, not live. I try but only survive.  I care while the world says die. Je regrette que je ne peux pas accepter l'invitation.

I am Hamlet, Who are You?

Please stop
Don't go yet
Tomorrow never comes
If I die tonight
So let me say
I love you I love you
No I'm not insane
Yes I am crazy
Behind the bars
Captured and kept
They never let me out
They say I am
A danger
To myself or someone
Inside this asylum
They say I'll be ok
Some day they say
But I need to say
I love you
I love you
Before you go away
Let me out
Let me out
Let me out and
I won't say anything
To anyone
What were we
Talking about again?

Saturday, November 7, 2015


The earth beneath my feet
cracked and broken
The earth was like my soul
My fears and dreams unspoken
And I waited to be drenched
With a water
To quench my thirst
But the rain never comes
Only the dust
And I am choking
Upon every word
I said
That I should never
And will regret
Until I am

I am the ghost of my memory

They might cry for the lost
But I cry for the found
Who are never known
Still they pay 
Life's ultimate cost
Sorrow their loneliness
At the harvest
We know what we want
But are denied
We ask
We beg
Like the ghost we are 
We haunt
The lives of the happy
Of the popular
Of those who mindlessly kill
Our emotional needs
And taunt us
Without any justice
We linger
Our voices echo 
Only in memory
Like the ancient dead
Never receiving their sleep
Being made to be an exhibit
Before the eyes of the modern
We are silent, we are quiet
Even as we cry
When all we want
Is to dream 
In the arms of our maker
Who knows exactly what we need
To fly

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”  Leonardo da Vinci

Friday, November 6, 2015

Never to be known, an enigma

I  failed
But I am not sorry
I was the enigma
The one they could
not explain
No matter how
hard they might
Desire to know
The two people who tried
Thought somehow I was lying
When my being wasn't answering
The questions that life would ask
when I
was falling into
the dark
I know
there is nothing inside me
to find
circles in the mist
with my arms
blindly waving
eyes closed
I have fallen
But the darkness
is so quiet
I long to be asleep
with silence as my blanket
and the peace inside me
my bed