ghost I'd become

Hard to believe how much I've lost
From simply not being aware
Of the ghost I'd become
Invisible to everyone
Apparently, especially you
When you were done, there was no reason
You didn't need my time
You could use but found other money
It wasn't treason
I was just a fool to be so blind
You didn't have the kindness
No you were too cold inside
And I was just a body to use
There was nothing alive
In our love
Face the truth
We had nothing
I am unwilling to live again
If I had to ever meet you
Or see you
Again
No, never
I will never mend

How much hell

When I could I didn't bother
And now I am frozen
In the day
In the cost
In younger days I could laugh it off
I thought the future held good things
But I was lost
I watched as
Over time
The future held nothing
How much hell is there
In one lost heart
How much pain can I suffer
How much can I lose
Before I have lost it all
How can I tell?
What is there to choose
I can't begin to try
To stop the fall
From heaven into hell

Grieved

I grieved for us
But then you said to forget
That we ever kissed
To forget
That we ever lived
In an embrace
As one
That I ever dreamed
You'd be with me
Forever after
And all the days to come

Memories of you remain

Mother
Tenho saudades tuas
I miss you so deeply
A day doesn't pass
Without a tear
I cannot think
Or speak
Without wondering
If you are near enough
To hear me
I always knew when you left
I'd forever miss you
Mon absence était d'un cœur silencieux
And now you are gone
I no longer wish to go on
I will never hear you laugh
Or eat your food
Or watch your movies
There just isn't anything left
That can comfort me
Or fill the void
That you filled
 

Madness

Dizzy from the abuse
I create my own madness
What's the use
I am lost
Ignored in an asylum
Where they offer freedom
From the demons in my mind
I've committed suicide inside
And there is nothing left
And I will be placed upon more meds
In the negative zone
And oblivion

Just Meat?

"In order to exist, man must rebel, but rebellion must respect the limits that it discovers in itself - limits where minds meet, and in meeting, begin to exist."  Albert Camus

Despite my efforts

To hide myself

Behind a shield of shyness

Of curiosity and quiet

In a world of violence

I called out in the darkness

I heard no answer

I screamed for help

Reply was silence

I walked

Further into the void

My life was escaping

My ability to exist

Didn't matter

There was no kindness

There was no meaning

I didn't matter

Life was absurd

Insane

No use in believing

In anything

If all my labors

Are lost

In the haze and fog

Of the existence

My resistance 

To the hands of fate

To destiny's clutch

Only bred hate

In my hurting heart

Until I stopped to think

There was just this one thing 

If life was absurd

Without meaning

And I longed for meaning

It means I was born

Desiring 

Something greater

And I wonder

How that can be

If I was born

And will die

A pile of meat

Ecclesiastes 3:16  "Moreover, I saw under the sun that in the place of justice, even there was wickedness, and in the place of righteousness, even there was wickedness."

the room

They said when I told them
Exactly what they wanted
They'd let me leave
So I told them whatever they said to say
And now I am haunted
Because they won't let me be free
So what do I care
Do you dare doubt?
I didn't like to dream
Nor sleep
Nor do anything
But answer them in full
About things I know nothing about

The Gods of Sleep are Selfish

Far away in the dream lands
I have a lover who loves my soul
But I am only able to see her
When I dream
And I am alone in my world
Until I am able to sleep
Falling asleep is difficult 
I struggle and I suffer
Sleep is not so easy, for me
Some are blessed to close their eyes
Enter the dreams as if it is innate
Others do not have to do even that
Dream enters their waking state
The hours of sleep
That we treasure and cherish
Are not naturally occurring for all

Some of us have to beseech Hypnos
Or beg Thanatos
Entice Morpheus to enter our mind
And dream
Let them take away whatever we offer
In exchange for our sanity
We receive the depth of thought
That makes us see
The future perfectly clearly
The past in exquisite detail
And the gods of that domain
Are capricious in their whims
Nothing I do or say
Changes their minds
And I linger in the inbetween
Waiting to be allowed in
But in this world
Where time is real
We only have so much time

Falling

Like the touch of small hands
Angels crying
And then the rumble
Of a powerful thunder
So kind to remind me
That I am very small
And the world is truly
Very
Very large

Where Love Blooms

I know she was a messenger sent
From a different world
One more innocent
Yet she leaves me confused
Was I thinking or was I asleep
I don't know if I was awake
Or if that moment had been dreamt
But I do know that she'd been here
Just moments before I caught her scent
Upon the air in the room
Her beauty fills my mind
Arouses my soul
Creates fire
In my being
No, not lust
But pure desire
When I think of her
I can not help but be moved
From my heart
To the depths of my bones
She lingers in the love
How it flows around
The love she has planted
The way it has grown
From the seeds
In the ground
Where love blooms
And glories

Not your first choice, nor your last

I know I am not your first choice
I know I won't be your last
And it doesn't hurt to know
You aren't moved by my voice
Calling to you
Even though I know
Its not your problem
It burns inside me
With no relent

Giving up, forever

Let's end it
Even if it hurts
I can't go on
I surrender
I never wanted
To have it go on
If I am alone here
Because solitary confinement
Forever and ever
Is torture
Just to have something
Just to have it
Isn't worth it
If you don't want me
Then we're planting
Some kind of bitter seeds
Always taking
Never giving
Always hurting
Always bleeding
If you don't want
My heart
Then give it back
And take my apology
Give your love
To someone in need
Let's just end
This cliched charade
Instead of acting
In some magnificent
Opulent faux betrayal
Some false masquerade
Meant as a final portrayal
Of love for the ages
When we forgot
Long ago
What love is supposed
To be

((This poem is not autobiographical.  I am rather frustrated to have to say that, as it removes some of the power of the words I've written, but when I write sad love poems or lost love poems if you will, I get emails from people hoping I am alright and not suicidal and asking what happened.  I use observation, personal reflection, life experiences, poetic license, and many other methods for writing and capturing emotions, this poem is informed by many things, some personal, some not.  I love my wife, so don't worry.))

Prisoner

In a prison of love

I fall down and beg forgiveness

I am redeemed by words you have said

There is a chance I might relapse

From this addiction to your presence

And the sentence is life

My dreams here are red 

 My nightmares are empty

The nothingness of black

Prison guards are dispatched

My defenses are attacked

I can't relinquish my hold

There is nothing more I need

Nor want

You are the sum total

Of everything I could ever ask for

I confess

You cannot entrap me, I admit everything 

You cannot imprison me, I long to be here

My body will collapse

But my will shall carry on

And nothing will change

Because I am a prisoner

One who does not wish

To be freed

And though others do not understand

You are all I need

All I want

Your kiss

Your lips

Nothing more 

Nothing less

Ecstasy beckons

In reality

Not by some wish

Aware

I am aware
Far too aware
My love is not enough
For someone like you
My body screams
While you sleep
I hear you in dream
But I am living a nightmare
Far from you
There is no truth to knowing
That you could only feel
Towards me
Pity
Where I am afire for you
And you don't
And can't possibly care

Supreme purpose

I can't let the sun rise
Nor the day end
Without a thought
Counting my fortune
Only truth, no lies
A message sent
And let it be wrought
Created, born
We should live to love one another
We should live for the day
Supreme purpose
No need to escape
Reality will be perfect
Without regret
Nothing but love
For everyone

Worked

I tried every way to make it work
But you just kept saying no way
I wanted it to be worth having
But you wanted something else
I asked nothing in return
And you acted as if I should feel shame
While you were laughing
Madness queen of the realm
I surrender
This love can't be any more worked

Wounds too grievous

I regret that I am finished
Je suis fini
I cannot bear the pain
Any longer
My hope deflated
I am desolation
Completely diminished
Removed from the living
I take my place
In full fetal hold
In the Womb
Of death
Holding me tightly
Despite being forgiven
I am now in a self sealed tomb
Of my own making
Je suis l'esprit de la désolation abjecte

No, No More

My life is not yours for dissection
Nor are you to treat me
Like some vile infection
I live and breathe
Having feelings
Inside my chest
Beats a heart
In my skull
Rests a brain
That thinks and knows
What I do is live
Just as you
So the pain you cause
The insults you give
Are not welcome
Any more than you'd suffer
Willingly
I walked
One thousand miles
My spirit flew
One million times
And you were
The sole recipient
Of my trust
I am spent
Done
Refusing to go on
For your pleasure

When R'lyeh Rises From the Ocean Floor, Terror Will Rise With It

There is a wall around a city
To keep what is inside
From getting outside
Modern men think
Quite differently
Walls are for protecting
From invading things
But this city lay ruined
Without life for thousands of years
It is stark
It is menacing
And no one
Can explain why
There is fear
No explanations 
But it is there
It pervades every moment
As if torture
As if torment
The city walls
Were built to prevent
Whatever is inside
From escaping out
But sooner
Perhaps later
Inevitable yes, sometime
What is there
Will be released
And then the unspeakable names
Will be spoken
The unbreakable seals
Will be broken
The unthinkable horrors
Will be
Freed
And then our fate
Will be sealed

Shark

I was struggling
Maybe drowning
I was bleeding
When you tasted it
Blood
In the water
You went from
Curiousity
Directly to attack
Shredding me
Sucking my flesh
Biting my viscera
You had the advantage
And never let go
Despite my needs
Your feelings never show
You may think
You are gentle
Or kind
But really you are
A shark in a pond
You don't love
You devour and spit out
Whatever you don't eat
You make it an art
Destruction's Queen
Leaving me without a heart
Without a way
To leave with any pride
You wounded my soul
And sucked it out
From the inside

Abaddon's Compassion for Charon

"For certain is death for the born
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not grieve."  Bhagavad Gita

Greetings
My name is Abaddon
Shall you come to me?
To my room?
Where the candles are lit
I'll greet you with a kiss
For I am yours
But not as a lover
I am the angel of death
Shall you take my hand
And venture with me to Hades?
To a place the dead are waiting
To leave for their final station
They will find their lives
In the balance and will see
All they have done
In judgment

Look over at that fellow
In the boat approaching here
Upon the sorrow shores
Of the Acheron river
Soon it will confluence with the Styx
Call upon Charon
The boatsman
His labor is unrewarding
His efforts are unappreciated
And he never rests
His body becomes emaciated
And withered
But there is no vacation
For the boatsman
The rivers still flow
And the died are forever arriving

Charon
You are wounded, and tired
One day your labors will not exhaust you
And upon that day
When the creator's will is victorious
And his war is won
The dead will stop dying
Charon you will finally sleep
And as for me
My job, too, will be done

"Never the spirit was born, the spirit shall cease to be never. Never was time it was not, end and beginning are dreams." Bhagavad Gita

Love

Symphony bursting
Concert sounds alive
A moment in the night
You woke me
Met me there
And I didn't think I'd survive
Your love so fierce
Powerful
Filling the hours
You never stopped
Nor backed down
After showing me
Forever