I need an answer

My time is now ended, time is done
Forever trying even as I was dying
There is nothing left for any to say
As you fall, no one will catch you
A body burned and I was shunned
A seer said I'd win, she was lying
This world demanded to be paid
I've nothing but knew it was true
I am lost, in the endless empty
As I pray that you find me
Waiting for an answer

A Clear Call

A beautiful moment, only Gods could not find awe
Upon humans wasted expression, too subtle for notice
This life that we are given, has potential for greatness
But we sleep upon the chance, and we inevitably fall
Perceive isolation as Hell, signal mixed, out of focus
Dreams of our own throne, beings of glory await us
In oblivion we are lost, still saved from torture's call
Our Lord is kind, seeking our love, atoms nameless
We are mistaken in fears we lost, we're offered love
We lose our path, fear of wrath, oh there's enough

“Much as oblivion is the death of sorrow
So death is life's forgetfulness" 
                              Mihai Eminescu

A hybrid Haiku, A matter of pain

I wonder, in pain
If I live, does hope remain
If not, why bother

Why must we endure
It seems like a penalty?
I am still broken

Do we all suffer?
Is suffering just for me?
It sure feels like it

The Wind's Voice Calls

From the north to south the valley held the horizon
The witness walked through the display of nature 
He'd heard his name called, wind had called him
The cold of outside faded, his mind was now afire
As he dreamed painted images, vista so beautiful
Upon this peak and ridge, the mountain spanned
In the dark, they seemed to illustrate an artwork
The shadows and moonlight shared nature's hand
They are stunning, singing of a sort of perfection
Nothing humans could accomplish could rival it
Wind spoke to him, in a tongue he did not know
He bowed before the power before walking again

 

By the uneven stripes upon our flesh, we learn

We struggle to survive in the world so loveless
The hope in our hearts was all that we had, but
By struggling inside and otherwise, we learned
Our beings being prepared to somehow endure
To stay above the surface, to not lose our place
Trying to breathe, as darkness pulled us below
Were we broken for someone's dark pleasure?
Did our scars teach us what we couldn't know
Experiencing trials, gives the context for hell
If we sacrifice, choosing life, or throw it away
I am too broken to choose more, so I stand up
Let me live, as I'm too far into the narrative 
To ever give up

In the Red Sky Days

If I ever told you, how I am made alive in your presence
You have known my trust in you, Holy One, I do repent
I've lived in deserts, alive only by grace of your holiness
With no place that I call my home, my many sins I own
I stare into the sky, and raise my hands, call your name
The horizons all burn red, as our days have grown few
I trust in you, you are my king, in a world untamed
But I have you, a King who saves and is true

“Remind yourself once more of the absolute
holiness of your task." Theodore Roethke

Love's power and mystique

The glory of love, when first in one's life
Allows belief, and it will inspire choices
In the first time and a forever time, found
The power of it will be felt, inside always
Allows us time, to know hope and to feel
Glories are found on our holiest ground
In the exquisite moment of love's reveal
Oh it reminds with power why we seek
But to repeatedly visit is to be hollow
Never again will it feel so very good
As a flame in one's spirit it guides

Before The Power of a Storm

Snow fog obliterated any way to find the path
A winter storm was the final nail in the coffin
I can't survive the cold nor exposure to winds
My digits are fat and have no feeling, frostbite
The cost of a once in a lifetime cold, is my flesh
As one's lack of winter clothing becomes death
In time the snow will cover my corpse, frozen
I will appear in winter as a marker and warning
Nature has an absolute final word over our lives
However you plan to endure, it remains greater

“If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?” Percy Bysshe Shelley

Inside a Cage, Looking Outward from the Inside

As a child I remember thinking, the year 2000 would never come
Watching news with grandpa, all the wars, hatred, assassinations
The world changed in less than a blink, not seeing an oblivion
I sat with Grandpa in a wild world, and was trapped in a cage
Inside generations, believing in the more enlightened futures
I thought I'd die before a millennia turned, before adulthood
Because I am a person, my miserable being couldn't change
I'd thought, honestly, my being was worthless or overladen
I was now in a world, amidst of the turning tides, untamed
I'd been powerless and worthless, I was the victim of rage
If I had survived, what had been the point of my being?
How could I unlearn my reactions? Of being awakened
The lifetime of being broken has left stains as I linger
In the aftermath I couldn't hope, after being hopeless
All I could do is try, not planning to succeed and not
If success was even possible for someone like me 

The chase endures

The eyes and the heart, viewed from within
Her ability to scream, her invitation to sin
I am lost in her wake, I am alive to the pain
She called out my name, as if only to blame
I fell at her feet, exhausted, I entered belief
Haze in my mind, never realized my crime
The next morning began, awake I declined
I had to end the chase, I had to live again
As this world's lost to me, life a mystery
I pray not to fail while I pray not to fall
I pray to be ready, I pray to be whole

Goodbye my Friend

She'd been hollowed out, her need unfulfilled
With a look in her eyes, she could never disguise
A life since college woven from silk, and pretty lies
She rode the horse, waited patiently for another ride
Dying before she got a chance, I swear that I tried
In the cold basement where un-housed people met
Doing things safely, doing them well not impossible
Half of the people there would die before the spring
Other half left hoping, on Afghan magic to save them
That kind of thinking isn't real, they needed a hit
My friend stared into eyes of judgement, smiling
Over quickly, she refused help, leapt from a bridge
Only her mother and I went to a memorial service
We'd both cried, thinking it was a hard way to live
A harder way to die, we hoped for peace within
Before she left, before she made us forever hurt
The pain inside and outside, impossible to fix

A poem with bad rhythm, just like my heart

In morning
Here in my office
I hear a blizzard wind 
Constantly blowing
Very hard to be outside
I'm in a world of pain
But I'm hidden away
Pain everywhere
Even on my inside
I chose this life
Nobody else to blame
I dream of the day
Of love and warmth
Instead of blame
As days go by so fast
I know my heart won't last
Broken and wondering
What's the point?
Does it even matter
With that faint hope
A heart thundering 
My dreams all scattered
Time to take a pause
Stop worrying
What I am is old
I've had enough pain
Lord I pray
Let me leave with the day
Dreams of an old man fade
And I close my eyes
Nothing left inside
And I fade
In twilight
The dusk
Takes me
Home

The Deep Divide

The world is a library and information archive but we are overdue
Our collective has become divided, between scholars and workers
A path forward needs to be known or we'll be useless and wrong
Choosing to be uninformed is to damn, or being filled with hubris
Our civilization as a whole sees advancement as being dangerous
It challenges both aspects of outlook of mind labor or hand labor
As it will lead us to being even more divided, even more ignorant
If we are born unequal, we must not be unjust or arrogant fools
Life has hope, it isn't promised to anyone but can be found
We must remember, all have worth however measured

“Without work men are utterly undone.” Nevil Shute

The Glory of Hope

She moved slowly as invaders approached, but she couldn't see
The knight who'd carried a light in his heart for her, tried to help
She felt his hand and knew instantly who it was, and softly said
You're so kind, compassion echoes in everything I hear you say
Upon reaching the stairs leading to her quarters, she whispered
You must stay safe, if you should die a part of my heart will too
She gave him a courage to fight, for an invader seeks valuables
He'd just made certain, that she'd be protected from everything
She thanked him, he told her, for you my prayers are doubled
Then he went off to join the coming battle and fight valiantly

Maelstrom

Inside the storm is a beast, wicked, vile, powerful
Attacking the least of us, it has no ethics or rules
 Wild beast of our greatest fears, hungering for us
If only the innocent might slay the guilty, in truth
Beneath crucifixion trees, as the storm destroys
We're left to wonder, what we did to deserve taboo
If we escape our death, we find the door to solitude
The storm lives, to kill us and return to its brood
If we survive, we live another day, in doom
One we can never escape, in our minds

Messengers

Called into existence, by a visionary, led by ambition
As a world outside of our planet is laden with dreams
As new frontiers are yet to be found but they do exist
Heralded dreamers are being sent into the skies above
A past project for glory and propaganda, now survival

"From out there on the moon, international politics looks so petty.
You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag 
him a quarter of a million miles out and say, “Look at that, 
                                               you son of a bitch".

Former Astronaut, Moonwalker, Edgar Mitchell

Never to Escape the Pull of Things

If in one moment, every plan will fail as your house of cards collapse
You might cry or scream as you sit there looking at a smoldering ruins
If we do matter, we'll still die leaving this material life for the unknown
Property is worthless, in the end, we'll be gone, but every minute is real
But so many fear, they fret, that they will not collect enough, gold coins
Never finding holy ground, never escaping the orbit of metal and stones
Tossing away eternity, for the lure of false needs that will never be met
Try to enjoy what you have, live without wanting what you can't have
For you can neither escape death nor take with you anything but spirit

“For after all, the best thing one can 
do when it is raining is let it rain.” 
                       
                       Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

When you are sensitive and you confuse others

I never took a moment to think from the eyewitness of the other
Took every jab as an insult, every act to avoid me, permanence
Yet when I viewed burned remains of my life, I've wondered
Why would someone who hates me give all that he was able
Why should he cry at the sins of his hands, if innocent
I burned, for my  opportunities lost to redeem a father
My indignant response, screams to a voice, insults
Never sent me away for words I felt a need to say
I wish I could embrace him now but I can't 
I am paralyzed as my future looms
For my life of flesh and blood 
Soon withers with my doom
Life is meant for all, I have lost my chance
No matter my ignorance or innocence
I lingered in hubris but I was wrong
Without salvation or redemption
I see it now, very clearly
I feel it to depths and beyond
Looking back with hope 
Mingled with regret

Survivor

I'd crawled from wreckage, bleeding, burned
Bombs struck the completely innocent homes
The birth ward was wiped out and rest of beds
Burned or broken, on fire or smoking or dead
As invaders had struck the vulnerable and poor
For those wealthy can build bunkers for safety
But the vulnerable rarely had basements, hope
The war was caused by envy, greed, and hate
Hunger and of the greater striking the lesser
Now we know, there's a short path to peace
By the death of all those who are helpless
And apathy in the ones who could help

Consigned to a ward at the abandoned Mental Hospital

I've wandered abandoned halls of medical facilities
A practice followed since confinement for proclivities
My feet drag, with no scuff marks on the floor, shuffle
With memories of life outside this place, in the muzzle
They'd left me without a word, hiding all machinations
Months of the mental silence and emotional starvation
I learned the cost of being me, as I faded into the gray
The incurred debt so great they ignored, I am betrayed
As I stare out from this room, down the halls, so cold
No more seeing the residents, children looked so old
Cloaked in an anti-suicide jacket, staring at the wall
Loud speakers speak, overnight staff has been called
No one shows, buildings are empty, rooms are dark
Last graffiti on the dry erase board, a message stark
There are no staff, this building is closed, get out
As I softly smile here I remain, and I've no doubt
So bring me my Thorazine, I'll rest for the night 
Please make sure my restraints aren't too tight
As the mid sleep charlie horses have a kick
Drive home safely, see you again Monday
Bring me a Sunday newspaper, please?

“In a mad world, only the mad are sane.” Akira Kurosawa

The Great Dragon Spoke

As I wait for the time, I've made up my mind
Worlds will bow before me, but can't restore me
Wealthy and never worked, I will go berserk
Submit to me, or your land will be memories
They already are... if only to me
And come back again into my home
Call my name and attack my own
Cry for your lives to be saved
Bow upon your knees to pray
For I stand upon a line above the world below
A line you'll never see, I am upon my throne
A difference between humans and dragons
I can live forever, you only have time
I can be patient or wipe you clean
From this world that bows before me
I will rule this sacred place
Because I rule your mind
You can never defeat me
To attempt such is suicide

The Vultures await my awakening

The tears of life have a sound, different than all others
With no beginning nor a finality, they have no mother
Their cost is sanity, every one remembered now gone
Their purpose unknown, all I know has become wrong
I wait upon soaring vultures above, circling dead flesh
They've waited for my death, heat stealing my breath
Instead I know that they will wait longer, as I stir
Crawling to the edge of existence, ending time
The end bears no resemblance to fate
Vultures hunger and I offer
I am the sacrifice
Upon an altar

Sensory Overload

You overhear adults mentioning your name
They say aloud that that kid is just not right
They never knew you, and they never would
Nor understood your life or understood why
They said "you scare me" and ignored you
Saying you were never worth it, attention
You try living quietly, no sound allowed
You refuse to speak for their pleasure
You won't be what they want you to be
Never trying to understand reasons why
But you are silent, but few know them
You've been alone since the beginning 
Sound pierces your mind, it will lead
To beatings, never stop, they never stop
You tell them "Go ahead, Mock me" 
I know you don't care, no one's tried
You'll live the rest of your life, quiet
Speaking will lead to the fists of wrath
Make the ears bleed and new attacks

A note upon your efforts

So do you love me or do you love him like it seems
I don't mind, loving you wasn't something I'd allowed
You were constant, expressed your desire all the time
Never retreating, even with saying the word "Love"
I honestly wonder, can't figure this Rubix cube out
Your words and actions leave me in complete doubt
No matter, it seems I got messages meant for another
You, who so many times told me, you were my lover
Do you tell that to everybody who might respond
Or actually prefer to exchange intimacies with all
To seek one of worth this method won't find success
Those too dull to notice will immediately say yes
Leaving you with a live body, but little beyond
Their abilities or skills won't be what you seek 
But I think you are bright, have wonderful eyes
You are someone who deserves far better
I thought so before watching it play out
You should be first among all others
Rather than loving in that way of doubt
But I am not the one you seek, I can't help you

When Dreams Flee

While I'd cried out, loud in the night
It was my fault, as I was now lost
The household woke in the fright
And my dreams won't pay a cost
Need to keep away the darkness
Who can hope inside our fears
As the dream turns nightmare
We have lost all of our dreams
When we will no longer sleep
For we we search for within
A safe place, a place of peace
There can be no rest in madness
When sleep becomes impossible
When the sandman approaches
And it bears a scream arsenal
The dream turns darkness

Wearing Restraints, Hovering Upon Crazy

A narrative of power, woven in words that bite
Existence invites an asylum, madness wrought
Asked sarcastically if I need anything, I smile
I know they'd not provide water but a drought
Earth is a great collection of beauty and power
Yet it also collects victims of our various flaws
Victims of greed, hate, hunger and a madness
As ultimately we lose our way, without cause
And we will languish inside the insane stress
Unable to escape our own damned self hate
And many other kinds of the same mess

Emotional Entropy

As a species we'll survive existential dangers
There are clear outside threats we understand
Act in violence living in constant provocation
With great proxy wars of class, race and belief
We terminate, consume prey but not in hunger 
Don't agree? You'll be pulled below the surface
Toxic waters, brown air, more destroy our flesh
If beliefs provide zero relief or hope, breathe
We speak out or express doubt, needs curse us
Time passes, death erases memory of a wrath
Fear of pain is the reason that drives our path
On a cycle of life and death, we mean nothing
Life might be better if we seek hope, be kind
Grateful to dream, oh we truly need to dream
Enter a life of excellence as hope transcends
Discover hope, share love and kindness
Life is not meaningless, it is hard
But there are nuanced rewards

My Redheaded Princess

In a rush, I felt her presence and I was free
Her love's a drug as it powered through me
Never heard blood pulse in my ears, but now
Taken by the scent, the voice, moved by all
Never knew freedom's voice, but now I do
In my heart there's a beat, that alone is true
Stirring my being, stirring my flesh and call
Surrender my will and have since been still
She is familiar with all the ways that I'm lost 
She guides me to the place where we embrace
As the world is made silent, I still hear a voice
My world is made beautiful, by her choice
Life is more than it ever was, with her

"I can't get that Little Red-Haired Girl 
out of my mind." Charles M. Schulz

散る桜

As cherry blossoms
We live only a short time
We fall into fire

In the Madness, We Will Break

The mental hospitals are now full
You aren't allowed to stay in them
But we smell foul and to be culled
No healing but you will now forget
Been made comatose, made blind
Lost in time, I can't no remember
You only live for a day, don't regret
With all the nightmares beyond you
A peaceful world waits before you
With hours of time, becoming bent
Our end is known and so it waits
Suffering, with one message sent
As our future becomes a weight
There, hung around your neck
The future has now been spent
As we will fall in abstractness 
Comes alive, human madness
The screaming is a canvas
That falls from the wall
Retreating into the vast
Black sky, star covered
But now well Emptied

Towards the Germanian border

Numidian riders told us that over the hill our enemy stood
For our contubernium, of all 8 men, we weren't interested
We'd fought battles in Gaul, lost battles in wild Germania 
We'd lost men, received others who were less disciplined
We had our time with our brothers, they were old, not new
So we'd crossed a rise of hills, expecting to see Germans
Seeing what were only walkers and wagons of a familia
We'd let them pass without complications, why murder?
We marched on, waiting to join the greater Legion force
The fields were thick with tall grass, grains in our hands
Leading us to imagine we were in Elysium, but weren't
We were now about to find out where we were, in time
Our numbers had walked enough time, spent on death

Remember or Remember less

When you love you foster hope, share dreams
When you refuse to go on, it hurts, you bleed
When you give all you are, the harvest yields
Stars hover above in space, laying in a field
We are now in Elysium, in the perfect reality
Souls are forever as flesh reaches terminus
The endpoint of your journey is now forever
And you found the perfect gift of life, love
We'll remember this, never anything else

As the Raven Flies

It doesn't fly at night, but it is late this night
My house is surrounded in all the darkness
Obscured by permanent structure, my home
My worries wrought be my mind's madness
My home is cold, and cannot offer presence
I'm fated by the masters to forever be alone
But let me draw final breath, let me end this
Unworthy of all suffering despite my being
The raven made me wake but now it flies
Morning never comes, I become comatose
And I mourn the life that I had never lived
In a house that never really was home

Cage of Love

I asked, what does it matter to you, that I'm happy
You replied, nothing, because you're nothing to me
And I reached my peak, a summit of all my despair
This was the moment in time that I couldn't redeem
You didn't care, but you had signed a death warrant
You'd decided to be your own advocate, and scream
But I wasn't the one who left, or to be on their own
I'm loyal, you weren't worried I might run, a theme
So now we are alone, we don't matter to each other
I'm released from the prison I've placed myself in
If I were to be called, by you, I would answer it
But you don't own a phone so I know, but still

Left Behind for my own Flaws

In a midst of life's burning sacrifices, we are offered up
For nothing we will survive, for nothing of any reward
Only promises of the unknown and dreams of paradise 
There were prophets but beneath the industrial scream
I hear nothing not my own voice, nor inside my mind
All we have is now, and bare little of that, dying inside
Desires and lust emptied, the future is drained of hope
What is there to decide, when flesh dominates a soul?
Is there no more than this, does life not offer more?
I've bled black my entire life, my emptiness a core
I do not suffer want, I just need to know and I don't
And if there is nothing to live for, why am I here?

The Sole Guarantee

Even when winter calls me by my name
Know season's end already did the same
A mind falls in both paranoia and blame
Screaming as I fall down a deepest hole
Asking a world inside me leave me slain
Let me fall and be free from all my hope
Tired of a world's guarantees, all unpaid
But for one paying entirely upon death
So tired of the lies of this world, I wait
For when I draw my final breath

Colonials, Tories and Lobsterbacks

As rains were able, it made our march difficult
Our bodies were exhausted, cold and tired
Our future beckoning, we'd sought freedom
We'd forever want until we found a miracle
Every volley fired every melee or lost shire
All innocence lost but a country will come
Our bones broken, we'd bleed patriot blood

As our sacrifice will allow our new country
For now and for a future nation, is done
Whether we taste of that wine, or not?
The seeds planted will birth freedom

“Humanity has won its battle. 
Liberty now has a country.” 
                  
         Marquis De Lafayette

Painting for the US National Guard
August 27, 1776
by Domenick D'Andrea   
Public Domain image

The master of Annwn, Gwyn Ap Nudd

Gwyn Ap Nudd was the master of the wild hunt
His realm is also the land where one never ages
As he travels in, but has never ruled Tír na nÓg
Annwn Welsh realm of forever youth, being his
He melts into roles with equal grace and power
Calling rites of Spring and the passing of Winter
His words are lesser known than his many roles
His presence is rare but more subtle than others
And yet, should you and he be well met souls
You would never be able to forget

The decayed spirit inside a mind

There decay wages wars in the mind
Needed, deliberate but burned black
Dark as obsidian or peak of midnight
Moments spent inside wicked thought
All dreams are now dead there inside
A world is aware, but it always hides
A mind can't contain what's wrought
By those who can't share their time
For they have all fallen as decayed
Seconds and hours spent scattered
Praying for more than a pittance
A hunger, and will ever more

The Years Betray You

Some wait for more but are now bones
After many decades, hunger still grows
Assume the worst, even more is known
As a life we want rarely is the life we get
As coincidences fake as proof, a regret
Try to be far away, as entropy may fade
Devoured and consumed, flesh betrays
Nothing's worth waiting for, if alone 
Unless you stay, giving up everything
For love, let love save you at last
If that saves you in the dream
Linger there, and let it be
All you have, or will