Before the Crash

Let me spread the seed
Oh my God, let me be redeemed
As if I were Johnny Appleseed
Bringing the young into full adult
As I had some hand in the result
Oh lord I fail, I am flawed, oh God
Who am I, why do I bother
How can I live with the sins that smother
Oh me
My flesh decay
I am dying lord
I wish to flee
Oh my
God forgive me, let me be free
Let me lay in grave
Next to my mother
Let me see
How my words lead
In manifest prophesy
I might fall
I might be doomed
I might answer the call
I might be consumed
Oh lord
Oh God let me see
Let that Freedom ring
Lord let the Freedom ring
Shall I delay my flight
Only if I am accompanied
By my tribe
In darkest night

“Do I, then, belong to the heavens?
Why, if not so, should the heavens
Fix me thus with their ceaseless blue stare,
Luring me on, and my mind, higher
Ever higher, up into the sky,
Drawing me ceaselessly up
To heights far, far above the human?
Why, when balance has been strictly studied
And flight calculated with the best of reason
Till no aberrant element should, by rights, remain-
Why, still, should the lust for ascension
Seem, in itself, so close to madness?
Nothing is that can satify me;
Earthly novelty is too soon dulled;
I am drawn higher and higher, more unstable,
Closer and closer to the sun's effulgence.
Why do these rays of reason destroy me?
Villages below and meandering streams
Grow tolerable as our distance grows.
Why do they plead, approve, lure me
With promise that I may love the human
If only it is seen, thus, from afar-
Although the goal could never have been love,
Nor, had it been, could I ever have
Belonged to the heavens?
I have not envied the bird its freedom
Nor have I longed for the ease of Nature,
Driven by naught save this strange yearning
For the higher, and the closer, to plunge myself
Into the deep sky's blue, so contrary
To all organic joys, so far
From pleasures of superiority
But higher, and higher,
Dazzled, perhaps, by the dizzy incandescence
Of waxen wings.

Or do I then
Belong, after all, to the earth?
Why, if not so, should the earth
Show such swiftness to encompass my fall?
Granting no space to think or feel,
Why did the soft, indolent earth thus
Greet me with the shock of steel plate?
Did the soft earth thus turn to steel
Only to show me my own softness?
That Nature might bring home to me
That to fall, not to fly, is in the order of things,
More natural by far than that improbable passion?
Is the blue of the sky then a dream?
Was it devised by the earth, to which I belonged,
On account of the fleeting, white-hot intoxication
Achieved for a moment by waxen wings?
And did the heavens abet the plan to punish me?
To punish me for not believing in myself
Or for believing too much;
Too earger to know where lay my allegiance
Or vainly assuming that already I knew all;
For wanting to fly off
To the unknown
Or the known:
Both of them a single, blue speck of an idea?”
― Yukio Mishima

Ask the question, what does my life matter
When in the end, every single thing shatters
Like the blood stained glass of a church of the past
Every hope and accomplished deed scattered
On the floor like blood splatters
My choices placed me in the lowest caste
I was never first
But now I am last

Warrior of the Desert Waste

For a decade I spent my life in this desert
Never leaving sight of your solitary minaret
I've walked forever a seemingly endless waste
When the echoes of the wind called your name
I scanned the sky, and looked to every side
I found out that I was alone, like I am inside
I can taste the tears as they fall, bitter and dust
I never looked at you with a hint of a bit of lust
They sent me away, thinking me an odd stranger
But they didn't know, for you I'd face any danger
Both sword and flesh are yours to command
For you I'm even willing to be the damned
Because my breath, my heart, my dreams, my home
All are yours, you are my holy land, even if I am alone
This I promise you my love, please never forget
My life is oath sworn, an act I will never regret

“Yet in the blood of man there is a tide, an old sea-current rather, that is somehow akin to the twilight, which brings him rumours of beauty from however far away, as driftwood is found at sea from islands not yet discovered: and this spring-tide or current that visits the blood of man comes from the fabulous quarter of his lineage, from the legendary, the old; it takes him out to the woodlands, out to the hills; he listens to ancient song.”  Lord Dunsany

A simple process it isn't.

Everything I do falls short
Because of my wounds and regret
They get in the way of my efforts
To be ready to forgive again
My pride remains
It is powerful
Relentless
It burns in me
Until I change
There will be no comfort, no way home
I know though
Nothing can make me feel
Until I choose to be redeemed
By giving the debt of anger, the debt of sorrow
Back to the world
There is release
Holding it in is toxic
Poisons my soul and consumes it whole
By forgiveness I am freed

 “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Fate denied

You gave me a command
You demanded my allegiance
My obedience
To be all things to you
I sang your anthems
You heard me sing
Emptied my flesh of vitality
Where is the salvation
Found through my own hand
If I pray to your god, to renew
Would I be doomed
Will I doom the future generations
If I learn the truth, who am I to say
How may I decay
As final as burning dust
Or wind through the sands
Faced with never having children
A moral and spiritual castration
The future would taste damnation
What is the next taste of catastrophe
Appearing upon our damned horizon
I will not carry the seed to save the day
Human extinction might well be the perfect way
Have I earned this hate by my lack of hope
The destiny of one who refuses
To retaliate, to deny fate
Who am I, who would be my children
That I will never have
I condemned you by not creating more humans
By never having children to name
Going down the stairs
To the molten rivers
This horrifying beauty desolate
Makes me shiver
Have I entered the end game
Or is this the demon's lair

For Far Too Long

For far too long
I prayed
And continue to pray
Begging to be released
From the misery
Of going on
After she is gone
You cannot accept something bad
And call it good
You cannot call something right
When it is so wrong
And there remains nothing you can do
To make it better
Only pray
And keep praying
I've never been bitter
Only aware
There will never be another
Like her
Until she returns
Or I leave
I cannot be redeemed
My life is stained
Like blood down the sink
From a dangerous cut
I refuse to wonder
Can't bother to think
What will become of me

Never lasted

Every sweet kiss, every mile I carried that weight 
In your mind it didn't help, never meant a thing
To you, I was a tiny insect, manifestly annoying
Preventing you from doing your important work
I don't begrudge you for this task, you never asked
I just believed love meant working together
You don't believe in forever
So then you are to be first
I am to be last
The facts fail to give me comfort
They cannot be read wrong
So no matter how much I try
No matter what I do
In the end you'll be gone
We lived a lifetime of today
But didn't find our way
To enter in tomorrow
My life will go on
Trying to overcome
My love you are my deepest sorrow
I have loved you for such a long time
How should I have known
My time was wasted
On a love that never endured
I hope you achieve the fame you deserve
While I fade
Alone
Obscure

Uncaged me

I know I say I love you many times
But I speak what is most upon my heart
I can barely imagine life without your kiss
Where would I be, without your presence
Inside I shiver, a passionate connection inside
You've healed my heart, I have no more scars
From the simple connection with your lips
Loving you tells me that there is a Heaven
I took absolutely no time to decide
The truth was that together we'd go far
Loving you leaves me transfixed
I dare not leave, I've begun ascent
Your love completes me, absolutely
The time together has healed me
I am moved even by your scent
Jasmine and lavender made perfect
I can barely stand to imagine
Life before without such passion
I love you and you know that I do
You've caused me to be healed because this is so real
I am more than I was, in so many ways, you saved me
Confidence from being your love has uncaged me

“I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close set bars of a cage: a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high.” Charlotte Brontë 

I saw a star falling

I saw a star falling
I prayed it was the end of everything
How long must we wait for the play
To finally be played out
The drama is long over
We are ready to go home
How am I to be willing to live
If the shadow of death ever hovers
I believed the end would be quick
Perhaps merciful, certainly fatal
I was a believer,
No, there was never a single doubt
I sat there waiting
First with company, then all alone
And who I am to complain?
Over there are two lovers
They've just fallen into ... something
They'll never be able to finish
No happy ending
No ring
Just fire and red skies
Announcing the final act
Cue the angels, now sing dammit sing!

"But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."  Matthew 24:36

This black place

Maybe today, maybe tomorrow
Black clouds never clear
The storm is drawing near
Away flies a murder of crows
Crying doesn't mean the pain left
It means the emotions are out
Where they might no longer burn, in
With my heart bereft
Filled inside with doubt
What an apocalypse we are earning
My loved ones preceded me in dying
My loved ones left me behind
By leaving before me
So if you don't like the fact that I'm crying
Why don't you taste some cyanide
Or at a minimum, ignore me
Maybe even hate me to the core
I might be releasing my tears
At least I've no more fears
To drown me in sorrow

Demand from your life victory

It is the moment when you are stopped cold by a child's comment

Pointing out what you'd done, but hated when it was done to you

That moment when your soul crashes down, and you cannot pretend

All of the world doesn't matter, and that there is nothing true

You grow up with manifest dreams, and try to salve your ego

You can't become what you need, because you didn't know

This world doesn't need you

Special to you is what they throw away

No one remembers your name, 

Nothing you did will echo for the ages

Unless you can perceive, understand and believe

This is a long lonely path

You will never be redeemed

If you can't help but count the cost

If you never try, if you fear the wrath

Of everyone who doesn't care

Of everyone who wasn't there

When you were suffering, and lost

Ignore the world, at your peril

But there is life to be lived

Epic victory is possible

With perseverance, hope and faith 

You might see how your efforts matter

Otherwise your life becomes a goal 

To simply survive

Refusing to try, because you might fail

Means that you can never thrive

If you believe that life 

Is the hammer

And you are the nail

On ne découvre pas de terre nouvelle sans consentir 

à perdre de vue, d'abord et longtemps, tout rivage.  

Andre Gide

The Word

More and more it seems
That the cry of Racism
Will be horrible to one
But it comforts another
Hatred is not always shared
If meanings are as individual
As the user speaking the word
There will no longer be an edge
The power of the word
Leads to it being used in a way
A nuclear detonation to eradicate an ant hill
Or to kill a criminal for a parking violation
The word smothers the depths of our spirit
Kills the idea
Of One people, nation, flag
If we use the word for anything we dislike
It disallows greater understanding
Such a fool's game, to use a cover all word
For a dying world
Fighting over things like terms
When the system is going to fail
And everyone will disappear
In a million years
There will be nothing left
To argue over

No Cause To Accuse

Leave nothing behind, give me your punishment
I'm alive inside, and never violated our covenant
You've given me an ultimatum
Even though you share the morals of Satan
I know that this will not be fatal
Your words mean nothing to me
I climbed Jacob's ladder, and now I am waiting
I'll not fall to your level
I am innocent of your implications
So go home to your den of iniquity
Where your family believes your lies

A wounded child's father

You thought that his love should suffice
To cover all, to protect, to uplift my being
But it smothered me, left me vulnerable
I was left unprotected and wounded
I was prey for the cat, a family of mice
You saw perfection, I didn't see it
He was perfectly violent, intolerable
You saw discipline, I was left doomed
Hold up your hero high to the heavens
Pray for his placement there, I am contented
Knowing, your prayers will not help
He knows his crime and if eternity exists
He'll do his time until eternity ends

Broken world, Slaves to life

We must run
We must reclaim our world
The message
Sent by god through the messenger
The savior, the martyr, the one
The teachings of the prophet
Were that I should never lie
I am called to speak truth
So here is my truth
This world is broken and we
Are far from the chosen
This will be
The final generation of free men
Our flesh dried in the sun
Our living bleed is turned dust
Clay that remains without breath
We never dreamed, never lived
The machine has secrets
We could never hope to keep
A being so abscessed
Purulent and ill addressed
Without an escape we are insects
With no future
We are victims of incest from the world
Where we serve as furniture
For the wealthy, for the powerful
For those who seek control
For those who feed upon our souls
If we don't leave, we will face doom
There are those made to be in chains
Until they flee
With death release, a great relief
And those who cannot escape
Remain
In their blessed servitude
They never see a need
For freedom, we run
It demands a will, a need to think
Those who prefer their chains,
Will never rise from the dust
That is their attitude
They prefer to die
On their knees
Rather than taste
Freedom

Fires of Civilization Burn

I can't breathe with the fire's smoke so thick
My tears fall, as I watch the world turned ruin
I can't think, my thoughts broken from hate
Why should our world pay for humanity's sin
Humanity has value, as if animals playing violin
Every species of earth will become extinct
Devastation, desolation spoken and fluent
My flesh will soon enter absolute decay
Emptied from the rot and malice within
Distinct, unique yet little more than skin
We have nothing to lose, but everything
Ignore politics, morality, the environment
None can deliver you from fate's end
Nothing we can do will ever save you
We are the dead who walk, no hope to renew
We have a world that can't help changing
We are the children, arrogant, violent
No hope for Heaven, nothing transcendent
We've become our own gods, our own truth
Don't try to fight the flood, enter the deluge
The bleeding once begun will never stop
We've invited Oblivion
We slaughtered every savior sent
Never heard the warnings
Never heeded them
There is nothing left
Earth will be forever emptied of life
This firestorm, a tragedy, an act of hatred
There is no need to take another breath
A catastrophic fire burns, it consumes
This is the drama's final act
Winds sweep across the planet
Leaving an ash blanket
Of doom

Engineers, Architects and Dreamers

How have we fallen
From the reaches of space
Down to throes of a planet in agony
All of our sins were committed sincerely
Believe ourselves higher than the natural order
We reached high but never knew our goal was limited
By the wounds we could inflict without killing our home
Like Atlantis before us
The heights of culture matter not one bit
This planet has seen humans pass before her eyes
And we cannot disguise our motives of greed and hate
We imagine ourselves to be engineers, architects, dreamers
But there is nothing in the is world we've built that will last long
Not more than the mountains or ocean depths, the beauty of nature
Only the depths of peril of pollution, destruction and decay that we have created

Plastic

Plastic people built for a synthetic lifeless world
Nothing new about anyone, neither boys or girls
Unique is an anomaly that threatens production
Unique is a trait that requires deconstruction
With every piece of the whole needed to fit
Pull the plug now, or I'll be forced to endure a refit
Or worse they'll think they made a counterfeit 
Then destroy me there in the womb,
Such a fitting place for a perfect tomb
In a plastic place
Where we are required to wear smiles
Upon all of our plastic faces

Wir sind nur schafe zum schlachten
Wir sind nur schafe zum schlachten
Wir sind nur schafe zum schlachten

 

Mistakes

By saying I am saying I am a Christian
Some people hearing this assume
That despite my being made of flesh
I am saying that I am somehow a saint
I live my life as if upon a mission
But I know that all lives are doomed
Every life ends in death
Perfect?  No I am the perfect mistake
Assume nothing about my journey
I will fall well short of being worthy
By my own hand, of salvation or redemption
It isn't about my acts or my beliefs
If I believe but do not act in them I'm a failure
Good intentions never achieve anything
I walk in the path of the one who aspires
I am wrought with pollution and decay
And filled with many and grotesque desires
So while I believe, I live and love
I am the broken and unchosen
There is nothing that guarantees my ascension
I walk the path of life with no expectations
I have nothing special to offer
But for sharing the reports
Recording my few victories and many failures
Shining the light upon the hope, need
Of my final redemption

Questions about my urges

I hunger after everything I'm not allowed to feast upon
I spend hours wanting all the things forbidden
By the highest holy order
I am not God, nor am I even moral
If God is perfect, and created all things,
Including me
Why was I made in a way that suggests
There is something wrong in my form
I am a simple beast
Fascinated by pleasure, the thrill of the hunt
Eating things that will kill me
Desires unbridled and hunger made me a whore
I have this endless hunger inside my inner core
What I want is different than what I need
How am I to know without having lived before
How am I to find what others know inside?
Is it fair to have a standard that can only be discovered
That mystery uncovered by our worst transgressions?
I think I that I am dying to know the answers
Or will I die, simply from the cancers
That burn burn burn

Truth is immutable

Your scent still lingers in memory, I can do nothing to remove it
Alone life has been torture, bankrupt in the midst of a treasury
I struggle to remind myself, life moves on, but I can't prove it
I inhale air, exhale dust, this flesh is dead, soon to fail
The children have the chance to make their mark
In this world that left scars across my heart
I long to pass, and pass behind the veil
Where I'll be with you
Once again
If we enter that place
When there time will have no cost
The truth evident, all will be revealed
Time, sorrow, pain no longer assail the flesh
And as we are passing from temporal to the eternal
We will understand, and all truth remains immutable

Now is the Harvest

I smelled the atoms scattered in the wind
The first strike destroyed the nearby nuclear plant
So quickly there were only fires and dust remaining
We knew better and yet like boys still played army

In a nuclear war, no side can ever win
With the burning and irraditation, a dying land
Acid rains falls, and tears of children raining
No closure to be had, no hope, not hardly

Burning cities, dead corpses of the innocent
In the end there will only be dust and sand
No talking heads, none losing, none gaining
The black smoke falls like snow, now is the harvest

“In our new age of terrifying, lethal gadgets, which 
supplanted so swiftly the old one, the first great aggressive 
war, if it should come, will be launched by suicidal little 
madmen pressing an electronic button. Such a war will 
not last long and none will ever follow it. There will be 
no conquerors and no conquests, but only the charred 
bones of the dead on and uninhabited planet.”   

William L. Shirer

To love and lose

Know that to love and lose
Is the same as to live and die
To follow a perfect dream
And then the worst nightmare
You were the only one I'd choose
You were my sweetest hope inside
You were the secret that I keep
Now I know that life is not fair
Life is decay, just watch the news
Why do any of us bother to try
Step off the edge and leap
It isn't even upon a dare
Death offers, and seduces
Tells you to commit suicide
Makes you want to scream
Wearing sackcloth I'll rip and tear
As I mourn my loss of you
This is the end of anything true
My remorse comes I didn't die with you
The life for me since you left is proof
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
There is nothing
After you've lost your love

Si vis me flere, dolendum est
Primum ipsi tibi.

Horace 

My Unwilling Sacrifice

As I slept in the womb

Ready to become "life"

I breathed in, and out in syncopation

To my mother's heart

After birth I was taken

Quickly to a baby room

For we were now considered to be alive

A violent rape led to my creation

The truth of this has left many scars

I was not forsaken I survived, unconsumed

But 10 years later, I'd have been a sacrifice

Upon modern altars of terminal gestation

Where the unborn are stolen for parts, ripped apart

Knowledge of this left me not broken but awakened

As an adult, I live, I have overcome, my victory won

Despite my society's casual disregard for a baby's life

“If after I die, people want to write my biography, there

is nothing simpler. They only need two dates: the date 

of my birth and the date of my death. Between one and 

another, every day is mine.” Fernando Pessoa

in the outer office

I heard you singing the other night
As I was working in the outer office
You sounded happy, so much happier
Than the times you spent with me
I wanted to be your soul's sole delight
Your soul pristine, your beauty flawless
You deserved fine things, wine and caviar
But you and I were never meant to be
I miss you still
Even seeing you day by day
Not being able to say what was needed
The things I need to express
Leaves me ill
Not words of rage
Feeling so unwilling to keep bleeding
It leaves my heart such a mess
So rather than hurt you
I'll just keep this in
And let you be

forever with you

We drove forever in a car made to fit just two adults
But whatever our age, when I saw you, I saw the stars
And it made my heart roar, like the engine of a truck
I never understood what love is, it never mattered
I answered your call
We don't listen to others, who scream at us as if a cult
Thinking they understand love, but never don't go far
Depending on chance meetings, blind or stupid luck
If their love was a glass chalice, it'd be shattered
With the first fall
I love you, never quit, I gave time, hope, we had a result
We made mistakes but refused to blame, still leaving scars
Sex wasn't our only thing, young deer are always in rut
We fall and make amends, leaving our dreams scattered
But loving you is all
I've ever wanted to do
Just being with you

The Pyre

We live for the moments of lust, pleasure
And then choose our forms of regret
We extinguish the fires of faith
With every choice to regurgitate
Our apologies that we never make
Watch as the generations show
How they resent us
Watch as they burn inside with hate
While we offer up our young
As the unblemished lambs
As OUR greatest sacrifice
We wonder why our sacrifices
Never make our gods satisfied
And why must our children die
And every succeeding generation
Feels the need to retaliate
Lost generations
Idols of worship
Idolatry your fate

Explain to me the morality 

Of allowing anyone to think

The emptiness of existence 

Reveals only our fears

Do you know what we should eat

Or  perhaps what we should drink

We've been making the wrong choices 

For all of these years

Instead of our making our own choices

Go ahead

Steal our will, steal our personal ways

Steal our minds, steal our days

The Scout

Now in my thirtieth year of my time
Holding our emperor's trust, sublime
I walked from my home to the distant lands
Never lost my vigilance, this was my command
Didn't need a map, the footpaths all well trod
I was alone, if I spoke at all, it was only to god
There is a high cost of service, but I prefer to serve
To scout the range of empire, preparing the reserve
How many have seen the great empire's riches
Her people vital, her lands cultivated with vision
And I would be wrong to let anything happen
If the foe be afoot, stealthy assassins or dragons

Ghosts

Under the blue sea lay the sailors
Who were unlucky enough, when at sea, to die
There is a long standing belief about these men
If they never reach home port, they exist in a form of unlife
Echoing in the madness, beneath the waters of the horizon
In the cold ocean waters they linger
Until either they are destroy and released
Or by eldritch magic are made to rise
They are silent, salt water has stolen their voice
Their flesh is pale, close to translucent
This gives them an unholy looking sheen
That glistens in the moon lit night
With no hope for the living to survive
When the dead rise, know well
The sailors from hell refuse to die

Faithful to the call?

Yes, you should know, I am aware
I know too, that I have only one life to give
I cannot suffer enough to fully pay
For all I've done, or allowed
A poor transaction, truly unfair
My soul replays, endlessly relives
Every single act of shame
In every home, of the meek, the proud
His followers have all declared
My life is forfeit, none will forgive
Called by him to be the one who betrays
He was far more than just a message by G-d
If you find my body, if you might dare
Take my body for burning in very hot kilns
Flesh and remnants of life gone, except my name
I am hated for this, called a bringer of doubt
No one should feel pity towards me, or care
I am the product of fear, infamy and sin
I served my lord, his greatness I proclaimed
Taken before Pilate and shamefully cowed
His ministry a tapestry of love, to share
I shall be infamous, I am empty within
Eternity burns, mine the ugliest form of fame
I exchanged his life, for worthless ground
Now no one may take on the burden I bear
Here, Pilate said, these Jews have their King
From across this land, everyone came
Given his sentence, it unsettled the crowd
His ministry was love, mine simple despair
Raucous and wild, the people began to sing
Barabbas, you are free, great Jesus now tamed
Pounding nails, each one, made a ringing sound
All because of a kiss
Just a kiss
Calling him Rabbi
To say hello to my master
In exchange for some silver
That I'd turn into land
That I might plow
Please
Bury me there

(I am grateful that after all I've done, all I do,
 I have the promise of forgiveness, for all of my 
sin.  I have hope for redemption.  And I need it.

“God creates out of nothing. Wonderful you say.
Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more
wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners.”  

Soren Kierkegaard)

Your pet

My soul was led by you as a sheep to slaughter
I believed in you so deeply I became ignorant
When I refused to think any thought not happy
I had allowed you to be my master
In so doing I lost my being
I had been in heaven, my sorrow released
Drinking anything in your company
My drink had become holy water
Then when I revealed my depths,
You were indifferent
Love for you was a just moment, sadly
Instead of  the height of existence
One that redeems
You love to be loved, it is sport
Because I spent my life being broken
You saw me, as being in need
So you aimed your sights upon easy meat
I became your chosen but I am not your lover
I am your pet, you have me by a leash
Now I give prayers unspoken
So that somehow I might finally be released
I am no Romeo, you ain't fucking Juliet
Let me go, let me start my broken heart
And never forget all that regret

Twisting in the wind

There's a certain anguish, a torment, with me twisting in the wind

When we finish this kiss, will I enter the shadows, or live again

Yes another person will be free of this personal version of fear

They have their own dreams and I have my own nightmares

Just one person in my life came to rescue me from sorrow

You've given me strength to survive and faith to greet tomorrow

There is nothing that I can offer to explain this mystery

My past strewn with broken hopes, an empty legacy
You've changed that, even if I am often misunderstood
 You've given me hope, by your love restored my manhood

For that I thank you, know that I love you

And that I promise that my words are true

Kindred

You never made me hurt through my whole existence
We shared moments that only best friends experience
You left without saying to me goodbye
With your suicide
And that's all I now remember
I'll never find another like you, you were my kindred
You moved me, and I loved your spirit to the end
So why did you go away
We'd talk all night
Why did you choose to enter forever
I'll never replace one like you
But I wasn't enough to save you
And I ask myself
All the time
Why


For my friend Cathy
August 2014

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”  Lucius Annaeus Seneca

How I feel?

It really doesn't really matter how I feel
What it was you did, or why it was done
What matters is to protect myself now
You know that your actions were unreal
In the guise of you just having fun
It's called deceit, far more than I'll allow

Actions speak louder than words, Remember 

My love is real, but even love requires faith
Your lies led you astray, it's me you've killed
I truly believed, and acted upon that truth
Time for me to go, regardless what you say
I trusted, loved, but am left unfulfilled
No reason to trust with your choices proof

If I love it's without relent, no guards, Forever

You chose your path, betrayed me with a kiss
You refuse to take ownership of your choices
I'm unable to understand, you cannot be forgiven
You've forced my hand, consigned me to abyss
Whoever you listen to, they are simply voices
Choices are limited, so going back, is forbidden

So linger in the echoes of us not going forward, Together

1000 more moral lives

If I live one thousand more increasingly moral lives 
And there I enter the great pool, becoming one
I'd not know the joy of finding that pool
Not dropping in softly, but taking a saucy dive
And just across the roiling clouds of horizon
If you focus you'd be able to see, me the fool
Dancing
Upon the razor's edge
Upon the dangerously narrow ledge
And jumping off
Not looking cool
Just to do

Doing what I'd do

Sorry, but I gave up my hopes
When you said what you did
Why do I have to still dream
Why should I believe
When I've nothing to live for
You never being here
In and out the door
My love is not enough
It'd never bear the weight
Of my beliefs, love, or dreams
No family together, let alone love
Only living without knowing
Why I was doing what mattered
Without my future having any purpose
As if my love for you was a curse
I can't go through that all
I've been called lost but
There's nothing I'd rather do
Than be lost in you
Or even better, being found there
Yeah, that's a place I'll never be
But you'd know why more than me

A sort of Oblivion

It is raining
There are footsteps
From a loner
Who walks through this Hell
And the clock
On the tower
Is stuck upon 12
It is broken
Never moving
Not even a single tick
A warrior walks forth
Through a part of town
The police long ago ignored
Vomit and urine stained corners
This place is the forgotten
Where the people are cast outs
Drenched in pools
of fetid and foul water
Garbage prevents the streets
From draining
A hoodie blurs his image
He looks straight ahead
Never looks down
He thinks of his fists as swords
His image presents only precision
One perfect thread upon a tapestry
Spoiled by the decay
But upon white silk, we're but stained
Bleach our eyes, my King
Please steal our sight, oh Lord
Let us never catch the scent
Of the cast outs and human refuse
Left behind, waiting for the end
Walking through the purple oblivion
These alleys could fill an emergency ward
We were born of a different mother
But here
We are all children of the night
No motion can be seen
Through the midnight thick
There are no sounds that remain
Grayish, washed out colors
Someone vomits, everyone is ill
Bleeding ugly unequal fights
The midnight ritual every twilight
The city forgives only her own
Her children scream at the thought
Of being exposed to the light
The clouds thick with rain
Pouring down
As lightning flashes
Down it falls
Hard
Down as lightning strikes
The rats flee the alley ways
Flee back to the sewers
Their true home
Here there is no life
Only strife
And there is a scent of ozone in the air
He longs for the lightning
To take him home
The homeless vets and children sleep still
They've endured much worse than this
Each armed with a gun or knife
They sleep the sleep of the dead
If they live or die they do not care
Soon enough they will

Afloat

Afloat in ether, in the translucent medium
Where we lay when our mind breathes
It is the hiding place for when we sleep
Our mother board is overwhelmed
Our faith burns in the nine Hells
With no peace we enter our shell
Why is it necessary to retreat
Why can't it be easy to believe
From this life we must be cleaved
As the angels sing and gently hold tight
We enter their protection every night
And released with dawn's light

“Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Time Away From Home

As soon as my class graduated
We rushed to serve in the Colonies
In time we'd think of Earth as a dream
It was so far from our duty zone
No one should ask why we enlisted
It wasn't how we'd be compensated
We knew our future'd mean apologies
Over time in the alien terrain, dangers deep
We remembered and dreamed of home
Our service saw our path twisted
Races of ancient intelligent aliens
Fought to keep their lands safe
From our intrusions and attacks
We were better equipped and ready
Over the course of duty, we became close 
Whenever the defenders entered the salient
We fired with constancy, made death reign
It was if we were the brand new plague
Time after time our tactics proved deadly
Hoping to sleep, instead we turn comatose
And we all dream of being home