All things end? Well for now maybe...

As of right now, my blog is upon Hiatus.

I'd rather write daily, but my doctor said years of writing 80 hours a week and sleeping less than 5 hours a night have led my body to the dreadful state it currently finds itself.

I'll be back in April.

Thank you for your support and readership.  Bless you for taking the time to read and reply on the social media where I post.

For now, please enjoy this richly beautiful and consequential song by Natalie Merchant. It is called Carnival and it reflects upon what we see, versus what is real, what we think, versus what actually is going on.  CARNIVAL

No Return

I don't know who made the mistake
Or even the who who caused my failure
So I'm guessing it was probably me
I've waited in stasis, released into the future
The world we spend existence, offers no true answers
Shuffling between our addictions, cholesterol, cancer
What's the point of lasting to that point of no return
We are made to choose, between freedom, or to burn
So if you would, if you can, forgive me please
I have to move on, and life is lasting so long
To go beyond, I have to heal what is wrong
So please release me from this jail cell, please
I can't suffer longer, my dreams are hell bent
And the end is not a blessing or hopeful event
It is simply terminus as a journey has a final end

An Avenging Lion Strikes

Millennia past, men still fought wars, battles, skirmishes
When the pharaoh Ramses the great marched to Kadesh
Riding in a chariot, fully armed, bow, arrows and lions
A fortified city marking the delineation between empires
His troops came on slowly in formations, with little worry
As the troops of Hittite Empire filled chariots, and charged
The slow moving Egyptian forces were stunned, and died
The Egyptian survivors fled, others gathered into small units
But when the Hittites found the Royal camp, and threatened
A great pharaoh, taught since youth to fire arrows precisely
Began to attack those who had ambushed his own forces
One by one, he made the Hittites pay, with death, disaster
Often when official records were made, the lies were prolific
But Ramses the great had acted in such a way, few wondered
The records understated the toll of his arrows, few questioned
Initial attacks took a toll that was beyond measure, but revenge
Revenge by Ramses and his royal vanguard slaughtered the foe
Leaving little question, who upon the battlefield was superior
Many wonder in the present if the truth was known
Ramses slaughtered an army, leaving Kadesh undefended

The Flood

I am swept along, as the waters of the flood flow
Lose track of my direction, my dreams and hope
Left alone, broken, with an unstopped blood flow
Rise above the surface, I fight just to take a breath
I can't survive long, but know the truth just grows
Let my spirit live, and let die my fetid fading flesh
Oh God let me go, let my being rise to see you
Oh God I am ready to live, finally, with my death

Today

You knew who I was, immediately, with precision
As you carefully placed me in my mother's womb
You called my mother to give her the horrible task
To carry a life she had no desire to create, wounded
I'm alive for a purpose, not a stain, God may I ask
Why is each victory, each legacy, poisoned by fears
Why does something new, hopeful lead to suffering
Made to carry me and to suffer from the birth pains
Why give her a burden, for so long, only for tears
I don't know all the answers, but I have no shame
I am willing to go forward, knowing I might fail
You are God and I am not, I thank you for the years
Because I was given a new family, 54 years later
And you gave me a brother, a mother, and sister
To let me know, I had family, redeemed by you
My one and only vindicator

Dedicated to my DNA family, Mother Donna, Brother Nate, & Sister Denise

The Loser

Trained to fight, trained to kill
I was one called on to win
But the Emperor said I was a loser
 I said Yes I am, I know I am
I did things my way, that's the play
They said if I lost again, that I'd be damned
I am, and still I live, and so here I'll stay
You made me a warrior for the ring
A gladiator who would fight and win
So crucify me, like you do your enemy
And be sure to do it painfully
Hang me from a tree, permanently
It does not matter what you do to me
No one lives forever, and some barely live
In the lives they are given
Do your worst, string me up, let me go
Take me, break me unfurl me like a banner
I'll bleed out my flesh, but not one word
Not even words you cannot forgive
Just dying, just knowing I'm gone
Everything someday shatters
Knowing there's nothing left
You might think my heart is cleft
The world will fade, and decay
Screaming with the blood splatter
Without a path forward, there's nothing
We've turned to dust
The burden was crushing
But now I am done
Je suis fini, fini
From this flesh
To never draw
Another breath
I am free

He is the guardian of the Bifröst bridge

The Bifröst is a great burning rainbow barrier
That separates the realms Midgard and Asgard
The bridge is carefully watched over, vigilantly
By sound and sight, carefully by god Heimdall
Who bears a great horn, to call the gods in alarm
While he carries and uses the frost brand sword
Hofund, which has a powerful magic about it
One blow, the enemy frozen, covered in frost
And when he sees the enemy approach, is ready
His perceptions of sound and sight and more
Are far beyond any human, and most every god
The bridge is vital, and he is heroic as a watcher
Should he fail, Asgard will become vulnerable
He serves all of Asgard, and refuses to fall
For however he serves in solitude
He prefers it to the chaos of defeat

My Angel

I never saw her without there being shine around her
I could never dream of her without my being saved
My being blinded by her beauty was an act of mercy
For I couldn't hear the truth in every thing she said
With my mind focused things that were not worthy
She spoke truth and light, made me want to be alive
After a lifetime filled of failing, wanting to be dead
She gave me reason to endure, reason to even thrive
I understood my purpose as more than some absurdity
So I'll rise to meet this day, even with all my pain
Because she showed me the path, I saw the way
The world tried to drown my vision with lies
But she saved me from being insane
The world wanted me dead
But she allowed me to live instead

Dedicated

Painting in Blood

I heard your ghost whispering in my ear
Telling me to use the knife, use violence
But I've been alive long enough to know
That my bleeding isn't going to change it
I've paid far too much for all of my years
For the willingness to listen, only silence
But you call for my blood to simply flow
Call on me to die, with my blood paint it
That I listen is my flaw, my error incarnate
I plan to endure more than flaw, than hate
I want the pain to be in me hundred fold
That I've so caused to exist in others
I want the devastation to show
How I've ignored my beloveds
How I've embraced my shame
How I've bled out and splattered
By my wrist slashed in shreds
Into the full length mirror shattered
I deserve worse, I've been a curse
And when I've died
No one will bear false witness
To the crimes I've confessed
I'll bleed, I'll bleed, and bleed
And the stain is permanent

“Energy and motion made visible – memories arrested in space” Jackson Pollock

Time Break

I heard it all
When time broke
Echoes of the screams
Sands escaping
Seconds lost
All flee the glass
Time shattered
No more reality
Sorrow grasps my throat
Nightmare replaces dream
Bright lit Apocalypse
Posted upon a marquee
I've lost my flesh
And all I'm made of
My breath
All I'm afraid of
And the walls fell
The great collapse
Nothing left
To live for
To fight over
But killing
And for the sake of it
Tasked to be the last
We've run out of life
We've run out of time
And there's no shame
Great enough to cover
All that we have done
To our home and kind
To our beliefs
And our minds

Scott never learned

I was born wet from birth, with the curse of the original sin
We are all imperfect, hurting, wrapped in a fire of violence
There the cowardly bullies of my past had tried to hurt me
They'd no idea, they made me, with that pain used to control
They hit me, slapped me, called me an idiot, or a f*ckhead
With every punch, hardening my skin, forged it into steel
They wanted my heart, to turn it into something very dirty
They'd wanted my obedience, especially my obeisance
Wanting me to be someone bleeding, and pleading
Blacking out my soul with pain, torment and torture
They'd tried to replace my freedom to be, to believe
In retrospect, long ago in the past I see their lives
Imprisoned in their mind, or stone cold dead
I can't laugh at them, we're all made of flesh
Born imperfect, screaming for breath
I refused the demands, to be filled with a rage
Let their anger burn them out, alive in a fire
But will they ever change...
Hey Scott, ever quit those nasty habits?
Ever feel remorse for killing the kittens?
Did you ever graduate from a school?
Have you learned a trade in prison
Will you ever see freedom
After the drugs you sold
Killed an innocent
In an intentional overdose

greed's cost

It began knowing with our world inevitably doomed
We began to see corpses laid out, displayed in every room
Flesh gardens, orgies of death, this at last was our tomb
We should've known, we should at least had been aware
But we saw the earth as a room for secret erotic pleasure
Instead of a place of consequences, cost of illegal acts
Here was a great God's lair, boxes and piles of treasure
Rather than be concerned by power, we made it our task
Leave the palace with every ounce of metals and arts
Quietly, embracing that we were the thieves in the night
Soon the night dark was illuminated, the crowds grew
Someone violated their temple's secret rooms of gold
And for that act of desecration and vulgar theft
The thieves would be made to finally pay

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Who knows? The stars? The earth?

From the very farthest reach of light and sound
To the closest intrusion of discomfort and pain
A human body perceives in ways it doesn't know
Light waves go through it, do they leave scars
Quakes are measured waves through the ground
But do they affect us outside of falling and scale
A ball can be projected a distance with a throw
Does gravity yank it down, arrest how far it goes
Of course, there are many things we can't know
But the earth doesn't know how heart's weeping
Stars cannot perceive my mind's thought waves
Am I wrong again, or I'm ignorant about that too?
I don't know, but if they know that, I'll give up
I'll just wait for it to tell me what to actually do
It'll save a step, no one need worry that I'll fail

All Father

For you All Father, I am afire
You who who called my true name
Out from the blue, from amidst the mirk of combat
You said my name, without notice or sound
I surrendered to you, and am yours forever
my spirit wild, I never died, stolen by your maids
seeing that I never relinquished to humans
in the madness of mind, I answered your call
my heart and love made wild, I'm untamed
all how you made me, act of a creator's hand
due to you, I am yours, I am in your thrall
In sacred Asgard, I will drink your mead
In holy Valhalla, dine with my lost kin
And then when called, we'll serve our lord
Fighting the armies of giants and trolls
Until Yggdrasil burns down
Until over, Earth, renewed
By your thought and word

To my Viking kindred
To my brother and sister
And all who left before me

I am broken

Broken into pieces, quartered by the blade of living
The pain blocks thoughts from rising, and forgiving
My life was spent on held grudges, false promises
And I have but nothing, due to hate's accomplices
I've lost all memories, and I am forever now lost
Hanging from a gallows, without the rope
Futures merges together with ruined past
Forgive me, please oh my God
For no longer having hope

The Returned Liberator

When was here before, he freed the slaves, broke the chains
But he is now off planet, kept alive, in a tomb of glass
Entombed, in a megalithic structure of polished gemstones
A king lay sleeping, as guardians of stone prepare his return
His will was never to conquer, only love, bring about unity
Taking the liberated with him, leaving behind the former masters
He is flesh, despite sleeping for millennia, rather than bones
His sword bears the fire of truth, the words that truly burn
The planet orbited now stands still, unaware of the eulogy
As they bow and accept, begging for forgiveness and calm
They were given a time by which to acquiesce, and failed
Yes the planet dies, now comes new dawn, justice prevail

Life's Dangers

If the claws and teeth can't penetrate this armor
Simple words of hate pierce and make me bleed
My heart is a fountain, holding a soul and blood
Yet in another world, I'd be master of the flood
But, on my own planet, I am a flesh bound fool
And all I am spills forth, with no end, teaming

“Humilié par la vie, qui l'un après l'autre avait soufflé ses rêves,
Don Ruggero mettait la démence entre sa défaite et lui.”
                                                                Marguerite Yourcenar

Life isn't Perfect

If we are all born innocent, how is it we become different
What is it about our nature that leads to violence and hate
If we're born perfect, why do we live and die in a regret
What's our purpose, how can we ever avoid a same fate
Life begins with hope and life requires great courage
It might be hard to remember, we face trials, we fail
No one is perfect, so let us all allow a hope to prevail
Forgiving others always as they forgive us as well
Life is not perfect, but the creator is, and has been
So we must trust that there is more than we see
If blinded to much, we must trust in belief

A Walk of Discovery

Walking in the tall grass, the weeds sway with the wind
I've no path, no map, nowhere I'm planning to go to see
The cold breeze leaves my flesh chilled, but I am moved
Nothing is perfect, I am blind to my own flaws, my sins
As I walk, beneath a rush of grasses that part like the sea
I see only beauty, this world so unspoiled, as if in youth
So why must we fade, age unto death, and enter forever?
All that matters, is that we the find one to do so, together
As our minds attend to the fear of death, I take one breath
Knowing there is more to know, and more than this flesh
I thank the eternal for the perspective, and the life to live
I thank the eternal for the chance to breathe, and forgive

One Who Has Always Loved Me Deeply

My constant companion, my greatest comfort
If my world is amiss, she'll be in my arms with love
When I am lost, can't find compassion or hope
She somehow knows, finds me, gives me love and more
My life wouldn't be worth a cent, without her near me
She has a name, it is Katya, Russian for little cat
I'd be lost without her, unwilling to move on
I have found love that burns in my core
Without her my life would be found in oblivion
But fortunately she loves me, she is my heart's desire
She loves me, inspires me, and doesn't keep score
I believe her love is from the hand of God
She heals me, comforts me, and redeems me
Even as my God grants me her love
He has seen to making me complete

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I surrendered to the pain so long ago
It became my only companion, and so
There is nothing you can do, to help
There is nothing you can do that hurts
All I have is within me, in flesh, in soul
As I stare into my own bottomless hole
I will die when I am called to do so
I won't shed one tear, I lose nothing
But more pain I cannot stop the flow
More tears when those I love all go
I lose nothing, there is nothing
But the pain held inside of me

I'd Rather Serve My King

Some say I should just give in, and let her swallow me whole
But I've nothing to offer, but my flesh, my bones, and my soul
I choose service, its not compelled, a sword is given, not taken
Now, I stand with my flesh exposed and every dream forsaken
For she chooses to demand, never ask, and I am left for dead
She prefers conquest over love, she'd own my being instead
I serve another, much greater indeed, and I am no slave
I will never leave my King, for he forgives and saves

The Blind and Cruel

Blind and old, looked upon as a fool
The world can't perceive kind from cruel
I saw the ending long before it had begun
Watching earth plunge headfirst into the sun
We starved the poor, used them as chattel
Worked our slaves in every industry of Hell
And now as we watch without any emotions
As paradise is dying, pollution replaced oceans
We can't breathe, and we are forced to stay
Survival is to find a way to enter cold space
And never look back upon the catastrophe
The one we ourselves created, willfully
If there is a chance, I can't see it
Blind eyes and broken mind
We've earned our punishment
To die on Earth without hope
Like all we condemned before us

Hymn of Blessing to Follow us

You whispered a hymn of blessing
As the rain poured upon you, gently
A baptism straight for the heavens
You were blessed, you blessed me
And the world and all professions
All called out your sacred name
They sought you, but not for fame
Instead for your spirit and flame
I bow in armor, raise my sword
As you send us with holy words
To go forward and speak of grace
To walk the planet, in your name
To share your great truth
To increase the faith