Nothing to save me from despair

Holding the blankets close, my soul to keep
In the middle of a brutal arctic freeze sleep
There I found myself unable to even dream
The cold made it feel like I was alone
Back when I spent most of life at home
There was nothing, no one, no bit of hope
Your sweet touch
Your words of love
Gone without a trace
No embrace
Nothing to save me
From despair

Chains

It was sort of sacred ground

Daily I'd push a boulder
Against gravity

From lower ground to hill top

Then to watch it shift, and fall back

And roll back down

But I continued

My labors didn't break me

I was shoved down in a hole

Covered in shit and fetid refuse

Made to be mute and in misery

You wanted complete control

Still, my love you're left confused

This disease that is lingering

Is my refusal to be on my knees

Now or ever

You cannot shame me

Or place the blame 

The same place

You cannot do what you please

I smile as you kick my face

Bleeding or wounded

Nothing you do

Can place me in chains

For I desire only my freedom

And my soul is free

"You have already grasped that Sisyphus is the absurd hero. He is, as much through his passions as through his torture. His scorn of the gods, his hatred of death, and his passion for life won him that unspeakable penalty in which the whole being is exerted toward accomplishing nothing. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this earth. Nothing is told us about Sisyphus in the underworld. Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them. " Albert Camus

Mom I miss you

You taught me to love
When you had had so little
You never gave in
To the desire to quit
We possess a fire and spark inside
A clay vessel that is temporary
Love of all sorts is forever
My tears from your passing
Still covers like a silk shroud
In the gloaming it hurts most
A true love everlasting
Where no one else was allowed
I was your child
Despite the times I made you cry
To be so close it ached inside
To be apart
In that time
I remember you
Your favorite time of day
You helped me find my purpose
You are alive still
Inside the chambers
Of my temporary
Soon to become eternal
Clay heart

Working the mines

From 16 years old to presently
I've mined coal as my way to earn a living
My body as a result is permanently changed
I keep at it, without a spot of regret
Though the work hollows you and isn't forgiving
The coal dust marks you, colors you strange
It is work that has to be done
If you ask me I am selling my body
Not differently than a street girl
Or an athlete or veteran
I work hours such, I never see the sun
For what I am paid I am completely used
Its a large world and people need to do
What is their calling
Sooner or later we answer
With lung cancer
Black Lung disease
Being lost in depths of the earth
And or collapsing and falling

Crucible of Love

In the moment
Timeless time passes
Endless and immutable
There is, however
An ongoing storm
Because loving you is torment
And I know it will never last
Your beauty is musical
Your words lyrical
The scent of you
Jasmine and heaven combined
Your being transcends all 
I realize that the only thing
That matters in existence
Is the truth of love
The moment after your presence
That absence leaves me haunted
Time is the unbroken vessel
It, alone, is alive 
All I do
All I desire
Lives outside of time
Your love was the crucible
My own love was a sacrament
But why do I believe?
To know love is the highest principle
And to know it
Is far greater to try
Than to die unloved, unwanted

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” Andre Gide

Starr over Wisconsin

They said he was a knight
Going into battle with honor
Respected his enemy
Fought with valor
Never cheated to win
A code was his reason
A way was his life
A warrior's heart within
Allowed him to lead
In coldest weather
He remained
Through injuries and disasters
He remained humble
Despite fame
He was humble in a graceless age
His way led others to fight
With a similar flame
With fire inside
He burned
Not for wealth
Not for glory
To inspire his comrades to rise above the field
Giving of his life to others as a leader he knew
The best leaders serve
Not from desire but to allow all
To share in the laurels of victory

Bart Starr was my hero growing up. He remained so throughout my life and I am wounded by his passing.  And yes I know all people die.  He lived a long wonderful life that inspired many, including me.  And I am sad for the loss of all who admired him, but grateful he was alive for me to know.  (Yes I did meet him).

I see her there

she is there
in the midst of the dusk
and most ambiguous twilight
my thoughts remain in the world
of
the very thought of one
as she runs through my most precious sight
where I see only golden light and gods
the despair is gone
and my dreams are begun

Souvenirs of a Love that is Lost

Even if my life has been Hell since you left
I refuse to heal, I refuse to change
I see the pain as a sort of souvenir
Memories that burn, can't be removed
My soul never understood, remains bereft
How I deal is fully mine to be estranged
Smiles produced in public, insincere, a veneer
So yes, I am sorry you are confused
Believe me, I have the right to remain broken
My choice isn't living or dying
Your choice left me destroyed
I became your chosen
So now, my formerly beloved
When your phone never rings
It is my words that remain unspoken
Your treatment of me is the gift that keeps giving
Let it be that way, because you are not my God
Not my savior, not the one I turn towards
When I need love, or to be forgiven

Since then

I never thought I'd be left
So bitter and alone
I never believed you'd be gone
Leaving our happy home
I wake up and look out the window
To see if you've come back
I feel so worthless and numb
I'd barely notice a heart attack
When did I ever believe
Only after you were mine
My life was nothing but then
I felt alive for once inside
I can barely sleep for the dreams
I imagine us together again
But when I wake there is nothing
Only the ghost of you remains
And I know you've gone
You are still alive
In my mind

The Puzzle

A jigsaw puzzle with composite pieces. The edges have been sanded down. Some images are of murderers or demons.  Some of the images are of men of peace, the Buddha or Jesus.  Some are villains, and others are of heroes.  What do we do with the puzzle?  Crawl back into the womb, and become a fetus?  Or just do we die again?  Do we take life's jigsaw puzzle with us, or do we get added to the new edition?  Or do the famous and infamous have a special reward?  The commission of crime, the offering of how to spend your time, here, with greater efficiency, as if upon a mission?

Appeasement and Confession

“Some things in life are too complicated to explain in any language.”  Haruki Murakami

I can barely bear to remember
All the things done to appease you
So much time and investment
You refused to believe it to be true
Loving you was like loving a stone
And your ways made life fragile
Relationships were a game of chess
Your nature was frigid and cold
Your deepest moment of supposed passion
Was a kiss or smile and then you'd regret
Life is nothing without a companion soul
Your love was a hammer, to me the anvil
And you could never straighten my edge

Never crying

Crying for you
Will be my dying act
Loving you has been a curse
First I lived
In the heights of hope, and brightest light
Never knowing depths of the black
But then I experienced worse things
Than I could have ever imagined
And I wanted to die
You said that I'd always come first
But that's not truth
Which is I'll be the last
The final man upon the earth
Who can't die
Until he finally cries
Over something that broke him
Into pieces, and then left him burning
Until his being turns ash
And is carried upon the winds

The Daimyo's Perfect Lair

No one could imagine this
Should this be the end
Surrounded by five armies
From the reaches of the land
The Daimyo will have one final repast
Within the walls, untouched
Unreachable
For generations
This magnificent construction
A symbol of power
This invincible monolith
Surrounded by a moat
Deep and dangerous
Even at their finest hour
An army of elite samurai would fail
If they were to take the chance
For an army of dragons
It would be an impossible task
No one would suspect though
For it is such a beautiful scene
The outside view is one of perfection
An image of extraordinary order
Impregnable defense
And beneath that surface
Perfectly fit and crafted stone
Foundations thick enough
To repel cannon
Even mass formations
Whatever the enemy's intention
The lord of the domain
Keeps his warriors fit
Ready to act
With his hostages aware
That abrogation of the treaties
Keeping them there
Would mean that their deaths
Would be beyond brutal
And secretly held prisoners
Unpopular politicians
Or dangerous innocents
Unaware of the secrets they know
Are hidden away in dungeons
That stink of despair
Nothing can be expected to succeed
This is the Daimyo's perfect lair
His home
Only a perfect force of arms
Could possibly have hope to achieve
The end of the everlasting and still
The Daimyo sits upon his throne
Ready for battle
When his enemy blinks
He laughs and as he knows
No one who hesitates
Will ever bring him harm

oh so old

I was young when I turned adult, but oh so old
My life was empty but so full and cold
My soul was broken from the beginning
They said I was an old soul, but the devil was grinning
My flesh decayed and betrayed me
As if a game that said come and play me
I had to use opiates, without relief I hoped to kill the daily pain
I couldn't be helped, irretrievable, laid out dead in the rain

Hey you

Send me a text letting me know you made it
I hate to think you'd leave me in the silence
Because even if you can't be my lover or my wife
I can still love you and think you are beautiful
I won't give you any more compliments
I know you hate it
You are like me in shyness
But your love was my elixir of life
I know that my love remains immutable
Even if you go away

Inheritance

Do children inherit the earth from their parents

Are the disasters and catastrophes their own

What kind of choices are we really given

Consequences of our sins fall in deep torrents

We are responsible for what we do, we alone

The sins of the past cannot be forgiven

We weren't the aggrieved parties

But the enemy of humanity gathers armies

Children once labored for families to survive

They weren't allowed to thrive

But we still exist

And our raw courage still resists

To look at the world and surrender

Even if our sins we still remember

We must keep trying to do better

“It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your
finger off the piece, you see the mistake you've made, and there's this
panic because you don't know yet the scale of disaster you've left
yourself open to.”  Kazuo Ishiguro



“They began work at 5:30 and quit at 7 at night. Children six years old
going home to lie on a straw pallet until time to resume work the next
morning! I have seen the hair torn out of their heads by the machinery,
their scalps torn off, and yet not a single tear was shed, while the
poodle dogs were loved and caressed and carried to the seashore.”
Mother Jones

This Isn't Love

Though you are beautiful
You wound me, my soul impaled
You are my sorrow my love
You have made my life pale
Sucking from my marrow
Blood, and my joy inhaled
You said in secret how you loved me
But you are denying me out loud
You said you wanted more from me
But acknowledging love isn't allowed
Just why do you pretend
Why this act of subtle disdain
If you were to tell the world
You'd be filled with shame
You've made my life a shambles
With your foolish acts
I refuse to play in your drama
You've lost the power to enchant
This could have been perfect
A love without flaw
But you make it torment
A crime without a cause

Neither beggar nor rich man
Neither malicious nor kind
Every man is destined
To be illuminated by the star shine

One Who Gave Everything

She never stopped her labors
She hummed like a hive
And she made others tired
From her active ways
I saw her cry
When nothing was going right
I saw her cry
When she welcomed her grandson's life
But she never cried in sorrow
She never wanted to let the ghosts
Haunt her waking mind
She gave her every moment
Fighting the desire to rest
There'd be time enough
At journey's end
But by the time she arrived
Her spirit had fled
What was left behind
Was a broken body
A still broken family
Who endured the dying time

1926-2012
Shirley Ness

The final flight

Isaiah 13:9 “Behold, the day of the Lord comes, cruel, with wrath and fierce anger, to make the land a desolation and to destroy its sinners from it.”

“It boils down to this: we should have done with humbug, and let war be war, and not a game ... If there were none of this magnanimity business in warfare, we should never go to war, except for something worth facing certain death for.” Leo Tolstoy 

Even as the sirens wail
And the black crows fly
The cities are aflame
As mothers cry
Refuse the fear that stops you
Because Armageddon beckons
When the news anchors speak
Never trust the message
One day the end will come
The flame will rise and burn
The angels and demons fight
Then the Christ will return
Before we invite darkness
Remember the deep truths
As the believers harken
The events will be proof
Evidence reveals the end is here
The final chapter nears
Fleeing is impossible
The enemy is diabolical
You've been given the word
There is only one way to be redeemed
By fire we are purified
By test are we proven
Your works are not enough
We must trust in God
Treat others with love
Deeply without fear, just believe

Revelation 20:7-9 “And when the thousand years are ended Satan will be released from his prison and will come out to deceive the nations that are at the four corners of the earth, Gog and Magog, to gather them for battle; their number is like the sand of the sea. And they marched up over the broad plain of the earth and surrounded the camp of the saints and the beloved city, but fire came down from heaven and consumed them.”

Breathe in, release

Don't open your mouth
Close it with a zipper
Don't say a word
Not quietly or even a whisper
Find a place of calm
Enter the serene
And know peace
Comes from the divine
It knows your soul
Your life is wine
Drink to life
Drink to love
Refuse to say
You've had enough
Just pray in the quiet
Never make a sound
For on your knees
You will find the sacred ground

When the Northmen came

Our friends and tribes had faced defeat
And with every ally destroyed we were the last
We chose to fight for this we called our home
For the people we considered family
By victory or death
We would deny the curse
Placed upon us by the enemy
Should we die here, only our bones
Would be proof of our stand 
By superior numbers they'd herded us
Into a defensive circle
The slower, unskilled warriors fell first
Fighting nearly stopped
For the closeness of bodies engaged in combat
The foe had made us give ground
But not in retreat
Soon the fires licked in every direction
All around we could smell the ash on the wind
From the burning the earth
We fought knowing it meant
Our people lived or died for our lands
By our hand the enemy fell
By our arrows they were cut down
Bleeding made the grass wet
With greasy crimson
Though it hollowed us
Battle turned many a good man
Into sacred shadows
There we stood
Listened to our leader's commands
The field was red slick with entrails and dead
But our acts stopped the Northmen
And now with our lands free
At the retreating ships
We were screaming
Victorious
Still, the cost was grave and few were left
To celebrate such a victory

Surprise surprise, it wasn't a surprise

If the world changes in an instant
It might well seem to be out of the blue
But ships don't sink and planes don't attack
Without preparation, mission plans and motives
Nothing happens in a vacuum, nothing
So going from moment to moment
Leaves you without a perspective
So just turn the channel, click, click
Men die by surprise on a serene morning
Without the slightest forewarning
Powerful empires die in cold or heat
Killed by defenders of their homes
Whether royalty is killed in public view
By agents of the state, or industry
There is a response that is true
Something new
Something different
Ignorant of messages sent
Even should it be
Without explanation or simply fantastic
None happened without planning
What makes us think they had no cause
Is our desire to have normality, to have control
When in fact there is none

Chastised

I walked along a razor edge
Careful not to fall, walking evenly
But upon my soul was etched
I drank from the cup of life greedily
And the inner demons chased me for days
As the raging fire soaked the burnt earth
There I stood, alone and exhausted
I knew, I just knew
They'd catch me, I was running out of time
The fire around me grew so hot, it left a haze
The pain shot through me like electric current
My mind was aware of my crimes, I was wanted
For those crimes I could never undue 
I was a criminal, corrupt from the inside
But my soul was cleansed in the end
By a redeeming power
I begged for forgiveness
And that was the hour
I was able by confession
To be released

A Better Place

The scent of fire upon the air
Rising with the day
Scenes of misery in a city
So many writhe in pain
The wars we fight never end
We want peace, so we say
So what seeds planted
Give flower to all of the hate
How can our violent acts
Ever reveal the true way
To a better place

choose

Forgive or Forget
You can do one
But which do you choose
There is one
Should you choose it
You can live without regret
If the other is your choice
It is one you should never accept
For to forget allows the guilty
To continue in that behavior
That treats you in a way
They'll never repent of
And they'll do it
Over and over again

The Ferryman

It is said that someone had to do the job
But Lord Charon was never asked
While to some he is seen as a villain
He has no greater goal
Than finish the labors of his day
His labors of pain are never recognized
Since the beginning of time
Lord Charon has been tasked
In a way
That no other being could bear
For his acts he was despised
But it is with duty and his honor 
Diligence and great wisdom
He refuses to fail
Despite exhaustion and bitter hate
He does not blindly ferry the chosen
None, not even the gods know his pain
He performs work of unbearable cost
A few coins across the lips
For every being who dies
His is the last voice heard by the lost
And though he averts their gaze
Hiding his woe from their eyes
Doing so he sheds a tear for all
Because they never return
Except as rising ash
As their souls burn

Even if you scream, find joy

They laugh and the scent of failure lingers on
While the echoes of our screams continue
It seems we've become our worst imagined self
And then we go blindly into the crowded world
We burn every bridge as our demons spawn
Devouring the bodies of the orphans and widows
The choices dwindled, and soon beckons Hell
Damning every living man, woman, boy and girl
If you try to do more than survive
It doesn't matter how you die
There is nothing more temporary than our flesh
Never relent, never let the anger burn
We only have one life
And only one ever returned from death
Live like you won't get out alive
Live like you mean it
Simply live

All in my hands

Fatalism nearly killed me
Fear of success burned like a drug
It kept me in perpetual shame
Wipes smiles off faces so smug
There is always hope
I remain a victim of falling
To the false gods who demand
Your obedience and your calling
Soon you become the damned
The future is unwritten
I get to choose how I should be living
No one gets to choose how I die
My life isn't empty, I keep forgiving
While the cynic in me asks why
But no matter who has a say
It is my life, my choice, my fate
Destiny awaits my decision
And only mine

Creatures of Habit

 Not that you asked me but I can tell you
There is nothing new under the sun
There are only ideas thought before
Nothing unthought newly begun
We are creatures of habit
We children of sin
We are the broken
We can only hope to be redeemed within

Prayer

I was cold, despite the blankets

I shivered in pain, and sorrow
Begging you in prayer
Asking you to give me something
More
Because I was slowly losing
My
a
b
ility to
       Hold
           onto

       the narrow
part of
The ledge
I said
Please
Give me one more
           tomorrow
Deliver me from the devil's lair
Dear God
I promise to be more trusting
I'll give to the poor
Honestly I will
But what if
I thought
That to actually fall
You land
In outstretched arms
Where there is beauty
And peace
In eternity's garden