Kindred

You never made me hurt through my whole existence
We shared moments that only best friends experience
You left without saying to me goodbye
With your suicide
And that's all I now remember
I'll never find another like you, you were my kindred
You moved me, and I loved your spirit to the end
So why did you go away
We'd talk all night
Why did you choose to enter forever
I'll never replace one like you
But I wasn't enough to save you
And I ask myself
All the time
Why


For my friend Cathy
August 2014

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”  Lucius Annaeus Seneca

How I feel?

It really doesn't really matter how I feel
What it was you did, or why it was done
What matters is to protect myself now
You know that your actions were unreal
In the guise of you just having fun
It's called deceit, far more than I'll allow

Actions speak louder than words, Remember 

My love is real, but even love requires faith
Your lies led you astray, it's me you've killed
I truly believed, and acted upon that truth
Time for me to go, regardless what you say
I trusted, loved, but am left unfulfilled
No reason to trust with your choices proof

If I love it's without relent, no guards, Forever

You chose your path, betrayed me with a kiss
You refuse to take ownership of your choices
I'm unable to understand, you cannot be forgiven
You've forced my hand, consigned me to abyss
Whoever you listen to, they are simply voices
Choices are limited, so going back, is forbidden

So linger in the echoes of us not going forward, Together

1000 more moral lives

If I live one thousand more increasingly moral lives 
And there I enter the great pool, becoming one
I'd not know the joy of finding that pool
Not dropping in softly, but taking a saucy dive
And just across the roiling clouds of horizon
If you focus you'd be able to see, me the fool
Dancing
Upon the razor's edge
Upon the dangerously narrow ledge
And jumping off
Not looking cool
Just to do

Doing what I'd do

Sorry, but I gave up my hopes
When you said what you did
Why do I have to still dream
Why should I believe
When I've nothing to live for
You never being here
In and out the door
My love is not enough
It'd never bear the weight
Of my beliefs, love, or dreams
No family together, let alone love
Only living without knowing
Why I was doing what mattered
Without my future having any purpose
As if my love for you was a curse
I can't go through that all
I've been called lost but
There's nothing I'd rather do
Than be lost in you
Or even better, being found there
Yeah, that's a place I'll never be
But you'd know why more than me

A sort of Oblivion

It is raining
There are footsteps
From a loner
Who walks through this Hell
And the clock
On the tower
Is stuck upon 12
It is broken
Never moving
Not even a single tick
A warrior walks forth
Through a part of town
The police long ago ignored
Vomit and urine stained corners
This place is the forgotten
Where the people are cast outs
Drenched in pools
of fetid and foul water
Garbage prevents the streets
From draining
A hoodie blurs his image
He looks straight ahead
Never looks down
He thinks of his fists as swords
His image presents only precision
One perfect thread upon a tapestry
Spoiled by the decay
But upon white silk, we're but stained
Bleach our eyes, my King
Please steal our sight, oh Lord
Let us never catch the scent
Of the cast outs and human refuse
Left behind, waiting for the end
Walking through the purple oblivion
These alleys could fill an emergency ward
We were born of a different mother
But here
We are all children of the night
No motion can be seen
Through the midnight thick
There are no sounds that remain
Grayish, washed out colors
Someone vomits, everyone is ill
Bleeding ugly unequal fights
The midnight ritual every twilight
The city forgives only her own
Her children scream at the thought
Of being exposed to the light
The clouds thick with rain
Pouring down
As lightning flashes
Down it falls
Hard
Down as lightning strikes
The rats flee the alley ways
Flee back to the sewers
Their true home
Here there is no life
Only strife
And there is a scent of ozone in the air
He longs for the lightning
To take him home
The homeless vets and children sleep still
They've endured much worse than this
Each armed with a gun or knife
They sleep the sleep of the dead
If they live or die they do not care
Soon enough they will

Afloat

Afloat in ether, in the translucent medium
Where we lay when our mind breathes
It is the hiding place for when we sleep
Our mother board is overwhelmed
Our faith burns in the nine Hells
With no peace we enter our shell
Why is it necessary to retreat
Why can't it be easy to believe
From this life we must be cleaved
As the angels sing and gently hold tight
We enter their protection every night
And released with dawn's light

“Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Time Away From Home

As soon as my class graduated
We rushed to serve in the Colonies
In time we'd think of Earth as a dream
It was so far from our duty zone
No one should ask why we enlisted
It wasn't how we'd be compensated
We knew our future'd mean apologies
Over time in the alien terrain, dangers deep
We remembered and dreamed of home
Our service saw our path twisted
Races of ancient intelligent aliens
Fought to keep their lands safe
From our intrusions and attacks
We were better equipped and ready
Over the course of duty, we became close 
Whenever the defenders entered the salient
We fired with constancy, made death reign
It was if we were the brand new plague
Time after time our tactics proved deadly
Hoping to sleep, instead we turn comatose
And we all dream of being home

Ask yourself

Have you ever wondered why the core of the nation
Is no longer vital, but drained
Ask yourself how easily are you entertained
Is your focus upon food or competitive violence, is it purely sex
Are you being distracted by what, by who and why
Bread and Circus?
Perhaps we've fallen, so far from the reach of our addictions
Never question the embrace
When our passions lead to a nation's suicide
Our ability to strive pales
Those who fail, fall behind
Never able to thrive, failing
Never survive

A walk in my darkness

Walking through the city, dark as if power had died

Alone, but never without the quiet voices in my head

Why would I never find what I was searching for

I knew that I'd not even known my own history

And the dreams of youth had all been stinking lies

When I thought of killing myself or  dying instead

I realized there were still things left to explore

My body was limp, exhausted from the misery

Why go on if it all comes to loss?

No one lives without dying

Who am I to complain about the cost?

“I have hardly anything in common with myself and should stand 

very quietly in a corner, content that I can breathe.” Franz Kafka

Rebellion

Every time a rebel offers a solution
He ends up paying for the crime
Of giving hope to the hopeless
Of giving someone hope inside
Even causing a revolution
We've spent years
Time uncounted of watching tanks
Ships and planes killing the innocent
We are told we have to give it time
But what is there if we do not care
For the death of those
In greatest need
Who did nothing more
Than having lived marginal lives
Who died due to acts of others
For reasons of hate, evil or greed
A rebel might offer a solution called hope
Should he succeed
Or even should he fail
Often pays with his body nailed to a cross
Others will burn inside
Knowing what they have seen
Will themselves be the voice
Of the voiceless
And bring hope
To the hopeless
Whatever the ultimate cost

Parsifal, Knight of Christ

Artwork by Belgian Symbolist Artist Jean Delville

The True Cross, Holy Chalice and Holy Lance
Each acquired a certain spiritual value
Having touched the flesh of the holy one
Seekers, opportunists, as well as knights
Actively seek to find them
For some seek material wealth
Some desire glory
To find, rediscover, or reveal these artifacts
Would be magnificently significant 
Exalted are those who defeat fate
A quest knight is a sort of warrior
That is not the same
He is not seeking wealth or fame
Rather, his goal is to find holiness
Wealth cannot replace
Nor does it create the sacred
Fame pleases the ego, not the soul
A quest knight pursues truth
Whatever the cause
It bears a cost that burns
For it might even light a holy fire
Inside
But even quest knights fail
Even quest knights have flaws
Not one, none are holy but the Christ
Spent by battle, by the journey
Wearied of the spiritual duress
He must keep going, until there is nothing left
To endure, a holy fire must rage
Few are not themselves incinerated
By the fire that burns without end
Parsifal was appointed
As one who sought the Grail
The holiest chalice would renew
The spiritual malaise Arthur faced
Many knights were sent
Few returned
The world could not perceive
How enormous the cost
To find, to touch, the holiest cup
Would be filled for the king to sip
But only Parsifal was able
Many were willing
But only one would find
And only one would hold it there
Where the wine refilled
The holy cup
For the King
Who would be renewed
Never again run out of the holiest fire
Nor the desire
To hold the king's sword again
In battle, and to reign

One set available
All books never read, signed, perfect condition

VISIT THE FOES OF KING ARTHUR, a collection of short stories about the foes of Camelot and Arthur

Exit, Enter

Transformation from this flesh
To the spirit's breath
Is neither pleasant nor cruel
While it does require growth and pain
Even Death
One form falls away
When the other is given birth
This is not simply change
It is an embrace of realities
Where all flesh fails
Spirit goes on
Exhale the dead form
Inhale new life
Born with an awareness of the truth
Death is not the end
But it ultimately renews
To understand it all
It requires belief
Not proof

“If I didn't have my parents to think about I'd have given in my notice a long time ago, I'd have gone up to the boss and told him just what I think, tell him everything I would, let him know just what I feel. He'd fall right off his desk! And it's a funny sort of business to be sitting up there at your desk, talking down at your subordinates from up there, especially when you have to go right up close because the boss is hard of hearing.”  Franz Kafka 

Alone in a crowded room

I missed her even when I was with her
But I was alone in a crowded room
I never stopped loving
Because for me it lasts forever
Never felt too soon
To be apart broke my heart
And to contemplate
Life without her
Could only bring doom
What does it matter
Only my life ends

A prayer

Whenever we find miracles or amazing things
I refuse to believe they are the result of chance
While they might come from unseen labors
Or the well placed ardent prayer
Don't expect them to happen
However the choirs might sing
Don't believe in coincidence, circumstance
As fate and destiny embrace and dance
Expect nothing like random favor
Layer your thoughts with God
If anything can happen for you
It is only by the will of the creator

Mousetrap, game over

When the rains of fire fall, will the days of torment end
A future has died, the present is a moment of horror
There will be no memory, no legacies or history
Nothing, but the life you lived in perfect reflection
All of your actions, broken promises and oaths
Will be found wanting as your bitter tears choke you
There is nothing but the life you chose
Every decision you've made in life
Remembered and viewed
Upon this line you've been told to never cross
Your choices were made
This is your final stand what will you do
Choose what you want and your selfish ways
Or do you finally decide what is the truth
Are you a mouse in a maze as the scientist watches
Wherever you go, whatever your decision
You'll end up in the final trap, try to understand
The professor does his experiments to better know
How to build the best machine to capture creatures like you
At some point do you give up, do you decide to no longer try
Or will you give in to the voice inside as deep calls unto deep
You know, deep inside that you've heard that voice before
So what will you choose, which is the correct door?

Timur the Lame

Timur the Lame, killer of men, lover of the arts
Earned his limp from battle wounds taken to scar
He created a symbol for the cities he'd taken in battle
All humans within his control were less than chattel
For any one who might think of trying to rebel
He left a reminder to those wanting to reenter Hell
With precision, and order
He had the skulls of the dead arranged in pyramid
This was a clue for future reference
If freedom in the course of rebellion were revisited
Timur the Lame remembered
All the cities, land and people he'd conquered
His will and understanding of men
Led him to create a symbol more powerful than words

"As specimens of those acts mention may be made of his massacre of the people of Sistan 1383–4, when he caused some two thousand prisoners to be built up into a wall; his cold-blooded slaughter of a hundred thousand captive Indians near Dihli [Delhi] (December, 1398); his burying alive of four thousand Armenians in 1400–1, and the twenty towers of skulls erected by him at Aleppo and Damascus in the same year; and his massacre of 70,000 of the inhabitants of Isfahan (November, 1387)."

E.G. Browne. A Literary History of Persia

CHAINS

Like a fool in chains
I am a slave to all that I love
Refusing to see
How I am losing my soul
Alone in the cold rains
Left out for not giving enough
Even if I believe
I need to escape their control
This is a world that requires my flesh
But hates who I am
And I haven't anything left
That they might use
Drawing breath after empty breath
Becoming the living, but damned
They placed my being upon a shelf
To schedule my upcoming abuse



“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”  Bertolt Brecht

I knew I'd meet you

Sitting in my room, staring at the stars
Nothing could save me, covered in scars
My life was meaningless, broken heart
Whoever told me, said I'd find my dream
But I knew even then, someday I'd meet you
I had room in my soul, for someone so true
And whatever I'd face, you were brand new
I'd find you, even if only when I might sleep
I need to be saved, question is not how but when
I am ready to know, tired of the distant horizon
Waiting is endless, without you life is truly bent

Run

You might never understand the why
But if you are wise
You won't care to even know
The world is filled with questions
Do you have a confession
Better to get out now, just go
Tied into knots, without string
You'll never hear the fates sing
Listen as the complaints flow
You have the right to the choices
Unless you are hearing voices
If they can only be heard on the inside
It might be best to run
For real or only in your mind

Fan Fiction: Alien 1979, Kane's report

Executive officer, Kane, Nostromo commercial tug
I assembled this crew, not many in number, a good core
Return voyage, commercial mining barge, space ores
Making a stop, slowing from deep space speeds
Something has called us here, there is no planning it
Entering orbit, interrupting our journey home
Sleep interrupted, Mother wakes us slow, so slow
We've been alerted to a beacon on a nearby planet
It might be a distress call, but it isn't clear
Taking our measure, preparing for any mission
What lays before us is intriguing, without definition
If there is life needing rescue, we are required by law
But no one here seems to perceive what is the cause
And the signal defies all recognition
We separate from the host
Leaving our safe haven
To visit possible ghosts
Lost to time and distance of space
Kane signing out, for now

No copyright infringement claimed or implied, this is a work of fan 

fiction, all rights reserved copyright intellectual property owners

To my perfect love

Your lips portray to me perpetual ecstasy

Your heart redeems me with serenity

With you I know that I am saved

Our time together wove a story, a tapestry

With golden threads, platinum silk

An exquisite dream, a perfect melody

You are my special love, my bride

When I am with you, I can barely think

Your soul invites me to more than taste

But to drink

"Love can defeat that nameless terror. Loving one another, we take the sting from death. Loving our mysterious blue planet, we resolve riddles and dissolve all enigmas in contingent bliss." 

Edward Abbey

Upon the Day

Come oblivion
Sorrow beckons
What is left
When the dawn rises
After a red horizon
Births black riders
Charging forward
When the maelstrom is done
None will have a future
No building will stand
The earth broken, and bent
And humanity bleeds sorrow

When death is done riding
The other horsemen rest
Waiting to be called upon again
Catastrophe planted
Long ago
The crops of horror cultivated
For millennia
The yield is bitter
As the harvesters take home
The fruit of bitter seed

Of Dragons and Dragonslayers part 4

The youth of this kingdom
Were given luxury and treasure
We believed our guidance and love
Would lead them to victory
But instead of achieving that
We let them pay for our indiscretions
They fought our wars, bore our scars
We sent them into battle without reason
The Dragons still command the skies
The enemy armies still hold the wall
The bodies of our beloved blood kin
Lay swollen and black in the mass graves
Our will to defeat the foe
Did not produce victory
Just as our choice to use violence didn't work
The violence in the hands of others
Will certainly produce victory
No matter how fiercely
We who do not fight
Are opposed

"Advance our standards, set upon our foes Our ancient world of courage fair St. George Inspire us with the spleen of fiery dragons." William Shakespeare

Of Dragons and Dragonslayers part 3

You see the corpse of the dragon
Defeated in bloody combat
You see the knight
You see his body, no longer moving
No longer breathing or alive
Friends and neighbors
Kings men, ladies, peasants and craftsmen
You say you are unable to imagine
Why would the knight act
He risked his flesh, his future, his well being
He accepted a task, others would have fled
Think if you will what could motivate a knight
To give battle, to give his very existence
Think If the dragon isn't fought
Think if it is allowed to dominate
And rule by tyranny over the all of the land
Think if you will
Who will stand and say that they will not run
Even should they bleed
Perhaps it happens that they will be broken in the end
This magnificent knight
The one who fights, magnificent sword in hand
You already know
It is due to his being the only one who will
And perhaps, he is the only one who can

"Fairy tales do not give a child his first idea of bogey. What fairy tales give the child is his first clear idea of the possible defeat of bogey. The baby has known the dragon intimately ever since he had an imagination. What the fairy tale provides for him is a St. George to kill the dragon." G. K. Chesterton

Of Dragons and Dragonslayers part 2

A knight must be willing, wise, yet still tenacious
Cloaked in bravery, wrapped in armor, courageous
To face a dragon is to face a foe most dangerous
The knight must seek to find the greater advantage
While avoiding such a battle is perhaps wise,
If the warrior is true, with this battle he'll be baptised
With tears or sweat, or blood, he might even die
The oath to bear his sword leads a knight to fight
The epic battle whenever entered will be fatal
For the knight or dragon, even both, the makings of a fable
Whatever the result, one or both will be no longer able
But oh the stories others will tell, seated about the table


"The pure light of chivalry... distinguishes the noble from the base, the gentle knight from the churl and the savage;... rates our life far, far beneath the pitch of our honour, raises us victorious over pain, toil, and suffering, and teaches us to fear no evil but disgrace.” Walter Scott

Of Dragons and Dragonslayers part 1

We are told, often
How the big bad knight
Shouldn't hurt that innocent beast
But that is a modern point of view
There are situations that can't be resolved by talking
And if there must be a fight
Advantage is upon the side of mighty, not the least
The final victory of the knight is proof
That good can overcome evil
Some may disagree that the knight is good
But that twists the original tales
To fit the modern narrative
And that is opportunistic
And false

“I do not care what comes after; I have seen the dragons on the wind of morning.” Ursula K. LeGuin

Lukewarm water

She said
"I felt like you'd spat me out of your mouth,
lukewarm water doesn't satisfy.
Neither cold nor is it hot"
She cried, her voice trembling
"For you love is a game of cat and mouse
Pulling petals off a flower, you love me
And you love me not
But I love you
I want you
But I guess I want what I haven't got"
Tears streaming, voice becoming stronger
"How you treated me is how I was taught
What you wanted, or didn't want
So I'll leave 
Your loss will haunt me but at least I'll have time
Time to ponder, time to dream, time to count
To count the children we'll never have
And wonder about this nightmare of love that you've wrought"

final day, final moment together

You can't even whisper you love me
Because it is so quieted in you
You just can't believe
My tears aren't for love's loss
But for my being a fool
And the hidden cost
My heart skipped too many beats
Because I thought you were true
But now I'm free
And there is nothing left to say
But farewell and take good care
This is our final day
Our final moment together
Life has never been fair
I was stupid to believe in forever

The Power of the Storm

Winds blow, with enormous strength, the storm nears 
Thunder arrives, the blackest cloud appears
This storm is dramatic, hope's nowhere near
Darkness pulses, as earth and wind collide
Storm's power shakes the earth, who can survive
Here in the depths, this abyss I'm alive
My throat cracks, air is so dry, feel like death
My lungs are full, I can't pull in a breath
If I fall, the earth will consume my flesh

“Pulvis et umbra sumus."
Horace

Bleeding anew

Thus I bleed anew
Knowing again
All I've known before
My hope was always subdued
My experiences remain
In my love with you
There was proof
That you were not real
Your heart was untrue
And now I am walking
In the miserable freezing rain
Alone
As ever
With hopes
That no longer live
And fears that cannot be tamed

A timeline begins in the same place for everyone, Birth

We begin existence from a variety of circumstances

Conceived in love, or rage, or casual sex 

We don't get to choose our origin story

Love isn't necessary, but sex is required

Sexual pleasure is often treated as a holy sacrament

Humans now couple and uncouple as if in a dance

It doesn't require expertise, the flesh needs no instructional text

Often the time of conception is poorly remembered history

Many cannot control their will, a victim of  sexual desire

Whatever your origin, remember, there are no accidents

“Young men's love then lies not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes.”
― William Shakespeare 

I'm not wise, really

No, I do understand
I just think that you are mistaken
You say your love has entered terminus
That Ennui destroyed feelings for each other
You barely care to speak 
And if you do
In generic terms and for a purpose
You say this love is forsaken
But it is worth keeping
Remember the time when your love was alive
You did more than have sex
You kept secrets between you
Ones that only the two of you knew
You cared what each other thought
Every day and event there to be inspected
To learn about the world together
Because it was important to know
And to grow
Every idea was dissected
Not because it needed to be
Because you wanted to grow in the same direction
It meant something
Remember when instead of rain being a hindrance
You grabbed each other in a door way
Waiting for the storm to pass
In each others arms
Kissing
Loud laughs
It is raining somewhere
Every single day
Kisses still happen if you choose
Laughing together can exist too
It is up to you
I am not someone wise
I am someone who has been there
And know there is more to discover
If only you'll take the time

The Storm

The clouds hang low, the storm will soon blow

The winds are cold, we've barely left home

Arctic waters are gray, nearly frozen solid

Priests give prayer, but most here are solemn

So far this Spring hasn't thawed the floes

If any of us fall, we die, everyone knows

Odin's ways keep us at war, we are his spawn

If this ship sinks, all of our corpses float at dawn

In the waves are a rhythmic motion

Tides are alive on their own

With freemen and thralls pulling oars 

We need the winds to move us more

For to land upon Saxon shores

We are driven

This will be a great day, it is written

The Dane Law will welcome our arms

“It is better to live on the sea and let other men raise your crops and cook your meals.

 A house smells of smoke, a ship smells of frolic. From a house you see a sooty roof, 

from a ship you see Valhalla.”  ― Harald Halfdanson

THE MARCH

All I need is you

I found you in the middle of this place
How'd I ever become so rich
Yours, the only soul I could embrace
And I found you here
Where I go
What I do
Doesn't matter
This life is not already wrought
There is more than this world
All that matters exploring it with one
All that matters is with who
I used to think that all I'd ever do
Would end up in wrath
I used to believe I'd never find a home
But home is not to be bound by path

Until we can fight back

It seems like yesterday it happened,
But it was years ago
While we all remember the change
None of us can remember individual days
Each passes with the same set of principles
Find food to keep us alive,
Repair damage to the bunker
Keep watch as a sentry, take turns as a guard
Use this day, as every day, prepare for the next
When the skies were crowded with invaders
No one knew what was going on
The military of the world's nations
Offered a defense, until they were destroyed
Then the Quislings among us stood up to take power
And they, too, were destroyed
Only those who refused to surrender were left
But the same forces who invaded our world
Could not understand the concept
That there might be those still living
Who were prepared to die
We were hunted like prey
Day after day
Until we were able to fight back

To Love No More

Accusations of things I'd never do
Damnation from the fears I've never known
There is the very scent of another
Untying the knot, I thought
Would keep us together for forever
I am broken, you are the chosen
I am enslaved and chained, and you are free
I will be alone, you'll never be lonely

Cyberdeep

It seemed that I was stuck
Trapped so deep in the dark web
And as if I were a spider, I'd weave
So much deeper and deeper I'd go
Some find joy in their darkest discoveries
But I don't believe in hope or luck
Because I don't move step by step
If it is a cause in which I believe
I trust if I truly know
Ignoring dangerous memories
And I know
You'll not be hung upon who you trust
You will be hung for your betrayal
You die for that which you do
Not what you haven't done
But I no longer care, I only think
This world burns in eternal lust
Even if it seems disgraceful
We choose the easy, not the true
And the unraveling has begun
As unreality collides with the uplink

We are not wise enough, oh Prometheus

Prometheus your valiant act to steal fire
Giving it to all of humanity, an amazing gift
It is a gift that we cannot appreciate
Because we are not prepared
And cannot ever, properly, make its use
We are unwise, we are inane, we are even fools
Use of this power will leave an enormous rift
We are not bright enough, or kind enough, to choose
We should not be allowed such tools
We are the children of war, the parents of hatred
We kill friends, destroy land, hate all that is sacred
We are not able to make use of fire that never stops burning
To do so would require patience and far more learning
Please take back your gift, you've suffered for our sins
Please turn back the clock, never do it
You'll be better for it
We will use it for war
And as an afterthought
We will use it for peaceful energy
Due to our irrational beliefs
Due to ascendancy of the military 
It makes no difference
We will make mistakes that can't be fixed
As a result
People die
The land we live upon will be doomed
We remember
Hiroshima
Nagasaki
Windscale
Three Mile Island
Chernobyl
Fukushima

Unfair offerings

I saw so many children screaming
Angry at life's unfair offerings
But
They experienced nightmares
Not dreaming
Nothing relieved their suffering
Nothing offered hope
All that existed burned in the irony
Of being given a life
Without the hope of living it