I am not worthy but I am amazed

I was not the one
To find it
I was not the one
To hold it
I sought the Grail
To heal my lord
Arthur, King of all Britons
The most cherished lord
Enlightened
To lead
We were sent
To quest
To find the chalice
Arthur, Briton's lion
He was the soul
Of our living land
From the ocean north
To the southern shore
Beyond Avalon's horizon
A beautiful world
Reigned over by a man
Sent by the eternal God
But the land was grieved
And the king was ill
From the breath
Of the dragon
Upon him
In full sorrow
From his loss
Of his Queen
From his wounds
Upon his heart
From Mordred
His ill conceived son
To find it was to heal him
To hold it was to heal me
But my soul was to darkened
From life's wounds grieving me
But Avalon's prince
Arthur
Would rise again
And then the world
Would be made good

Winds of my soul, blow through

  Cast out and filled with doubt

I have fallen

Again

My flesh now cold

Winter without snow

Winds blow

Burn inside of me

Inside my soul

As I am cast aside

Losing a sacred destiny

Out of my reach

Future consumed

A quest failed

Disconsolate

Deeply wounded

Broken

Crows call out

Telling me to look

Beyond myself

Through my cloak of sorrow

Wrapped across this body

The pain flows

I was burning inside

My eyes were dry

I had cried

Bitter tears

Every time

They had poured down

Like a flood

Over the barren desert plain

From my deepest pain

Dust came rising up

From my boots

In the Valley of Death

I wore a crown of thorns

Caked in blood

And dirt

My destiny fading

I had no home

I walked

Alone

Broken by cynical fears

Broken by jaded dreams

Alone

Until you came to my side

I finally woke unto my being

My flesh became alive

When I tasted your soul

I became worthwhile

When I touched

Your hand

I became hope

You amaze me

Your spirit is flying

High above the surface

Beyond anything I know

Exquisite and elegant

Angelic vision

Otherworld exotic

Beauty beyond measure

Nothing so vulgar or erotic

You are a higher being

Above all humanity

Holding me

As you soar

Teaching me the truth

As your celestial spirit beams

Far from the land I know

From Eden to urbanity

From existence

To surreality

Yours is the star

Rising over the horizon

To be celebrated by lower beings

Because you are worthy

Of the love and adoration

Renewed 

I feel your serenity

As the peace surrounds you

A blanket of stars

Wrap us tightly

I am by your side

You are healing me

From a lifetime

That had scarred

My soul

You are my destiny

Reborn

I know

This

Now I know

I fall before the Grail

The depths of my failings

Go far beyond simple sin

I am unable to remove 

The flaw

For my failing covers

All

I am unable to stop

I am unable to slow

My descent

I am only able

To perform dissection

For my wounds

Cleanse me

My life

My faith

My sorrows

Wound me

I grieve my imperfection

I have failed

My God

My King

My self

But I strive forward

And repent

My resurrection

Will come

When I die

In the service

Of my King

My brother Arthur

And God

In Love and Sleep

Hylas was a poet

A warrior, and friend

A companion of Heracles

Became tired, exhausted even

From the epic journey

Still without end

Laying upon the river bank

He heard the water rush

And soon fell asleep

And there he dreamed

Of the world called 

The land of the Faer

Filled with beauty

And longing

And magic

He woke with a start

To see a nereid watching

From water's edge

As he slept

He couldn't decide

If he was awake or still dreaming

So he gently welcomed 

Her attentions

And drifted

Back to dream

Of where he was

In sleep

Thread

Some who don't believe

Suggest I should try to die

Because I believe in eternity

Some who do believe

Say there should not be suicide

Because it violates God's creed

I say that my life is my fate

My journey comes from inside

And my path isn't for debate

I do believe

And have tried 

To live in a way to please my God

I hang on here by a thread

Because of those who I love

But I'm ready for the Isle of the Dead

The thread weaves through my life

My son and my wife

And all of my family and friends

Damn him

As if it needs to be hidden
So surreptitious
They say that he can make you do it
Cupid makes people fall in love
By shooting their hearts with arrows
Love is so capricious?
I say if anyone sees him doing it
Grab him before he flies away
And shove those arrows
Where his butt cheeks narrow

I am Broken, Again

Broken again
Your arms reach out
And my fear is tamed
I can't help but hope
When I hear your voice
Calling me
To be embraced
In your arms
Soothed until
My tears fade
There is only you for me
Nothing else helps me through
This existence tears
Me apart at the seams
Your love frees me
Mends my heart
Reminds me of heaven
Let me soar in the sky
Where I touch the stars
With you
Your hand in mine
Soft but holding
Me from falling
Apart
Again
Like always
Falling
But caught
In your arms
Softly
Softly

Farewell

Her beauty moved men

But she was more than beautiful

Bright and thoughtful

Was filled with questions

Lived to know the answers

She was wounded by life

But still tried

When is a life perfect?

When can we know it is good

Cathy sleeps in Elysium

I miss her now and forever

But she can now find all the answers

And is no longer misunderstood

Farewell beautiful spirit

Broken for the pleasure of others

Farewell my friend

Farewell

You live anew

While my sorrow smothers

The Far Edge of Existence

I walked all the way

To the far edge of existence

I didn't find you waiting there

Like a kid for Christmas

What there was

What there should have been

Two different things

But I got neither

For my persistence

All I found

Was wanting

Needing

And no relent

To the torment

Of being without you 

Not even for a fucking moment

I  miss you

Your scent

Your sound

Your presence

And I am left alone

Forever in your absence

And still searching

Finding no 

Contentment

Grieving the Innocence Lost

I believe that
We are courting doom
Not by ignorance
But apathy
And the lack
Of humanity

Someday soon
We will be able to clone
And selectively breed
So humans can live longer

That is
Except for those
Harvested for parts
Killed in utero
For the convenience
Those bred to die
The future world
Will be even more cold
As we become meat
And wars are no longer fought
For virtues and ideals
But for gold
Wrought from greed
And the human transformation
Into machine
















Henry Adams 
Photo Credit:
 Foter.com / Public Domain Mark 1.0

Toxic Life

I did endure
Called from the darkness
Survived toxic waste
Avoiding cultural pollution
Having seen life I know
Truth is not the solution
Death is not an answer
However
My life has been apportioned
And I accept my punishment
Execution by your hand
Awaits
Have I survived
My adult abortion
No matter how I am judged
My continued existence
Reveals only resistance
To the notion
That others control my life
Your decision
Negates my position
Within the boundaries
Of your womb
It became my tomb
A pool of blood
In which I drown
Flushed down
With all the waste
Rejected for the flaw
Of being unforgiven
For being called
Unwanted
Out the darkness I crawled
Despair
As life retaliates
Against my life
Unworthy of living
Conduis-moi comme
Un agneau à l'abattoir
Je chagrin ma chair

Goodbye Good Friend

Good friend
I could see it in your eyes
You looked so tired
Then I never saw you again
Until you were gone forever
Dressed to be buried
Your frozen frame displayed for all
In a pine box with soft velvet
Inside
People walking by crying
You laying there
Not sleeping
Your spirit flown
Walking away
No more pain
Winter always follows Fall
Seasons pass by
I can't say
I wish you were still here
You are now
On the other side
That has to be better
Than this place
Where all dreams go to die
If you are listening
I love you
I miss you
Goodbye

Abyssus Abyssum Invocat

Abyssus abyssum invocat

From our place 

Upon the face

Of this earth

We have only to view

All of nature's beauty

To see

We are not cursed

But blessed

By the depth

Of eternity

Where the deep

Calls unto the deep

We are created

To create

To enter

Eternity

Together

We are alive

To give love

And to give

And forgive

One another

Forever

Wounds Unseen

Wounds of my being
From love unrequited
From life
Unlived
Within a world with hurt
Unrelenting
Leaves scars
Scars that are hidden
While I remain bleeding

My scars are still there

I see them in reflection
While others do not
I see them all
My wounds are unseen
I know what life does
What love does
What we do not have

We know that our hearts
Will be broken
Before the final fall
Our soul bears the pain
Of the sacrifice
We are made new only by offerings
Of tears and wholeness
For our broken spirit

Remains with memory of the pain
Remains with the scars of the day
We confessed our love
We opened our hearts
To one who could break us
Or
Give our love justice
By returning it
And that turns the cost
Into nothing

The Sea, The Devastation

So horrible
None could believe
It had happened
It was reality
Despite the surreal power
The event with
Stunning results
We remember
Forever
We remember so that the future
Does not forget
The tales that the elder races still tell
A catastrophe
So powerful
To be the death knell
Of a civilization
Bells rung in honor of their loss
In every port
Showing simply
Their respect
They struck the bells
In solemn memory
For the sorrow
A distant continent
Fell from view
During a shattering quake
With enormous swells
The waves grew
Wounding the earth
Where the sea reached up
And swallowed down
The near west of the land
Near the gates of Hell
A castle upon the coast
Crushed
Killing the people
Fear was rampant
Terror the common woe
Destroyed citadels
Left behind
They moved inland
The ocean reached forward
And swallowed
Whole
And the bones of the buildings
Speak only of the toll
Of the final days
Of the place

The Úlfhéðnar of the Rus

For his pleasure we were called

To be the children of Odin

We are his warriors

And have moved

Across oceans

Over deserts

Through forests

To reach the destination

The ground trembles

As we arrive before

The enemy’s fortress

berserkir

berserkir

Are we prepared to die

If the Grey god calls

We must be ready

We are primed for battle

The war horns call out

Making my blood boil

My breathing rhythmic

My pulse rising

My rage grows deep

Inside me churns

About to escape

The beast within me

Responds

berserkir

berserkir

My muscles contract

My countenance focused

I abandon my shield

In each hand I hold an axe

I enter battle

And become

A crimson wave of death

Soon I am covered

My hands become sticky

Slimy with the blood

Of the enemy

The Valkyries

Will soon be busy

berserkir

berserkir

The field smothered

With broken bodies

The grass becomes greasy

From the enemy’s blood

The fields will someday bloom

My body is wet

Red from the viscera

Covering me

Valhalla is watching

This battle is proof

I’ve harvested already

So many men

The realm of Hel

Will be pleased

For I’ve sent men

To the land of the dead

berserkir

berserkir

In the future

Upon this site

Young lovers will walk

Here and there they might find

A trinket or bone

From the warriors fallen

The enemy dead left behind

berserkir

berserkir

To my king, I am his weapon

To the enemy, their doom

A disaster I am

Every blow will land

They pile up before me

All of them dead

The enemy was driven

From the field

Like dust before a broom

None escape

None stand alive

And all I see is red

berserkir

berserkir

I'd Rather Dance and Sing

I have slept during the scholar's teaching

Have imagined Elysium in the company of saints

Drifted off in thought

I have dreamed of a world without pain

While the world burned

Again

I slept rather than learn
Because I am content

The world calls my name

It is too serious

I am too tired
The world is busy

 Making gadgets and gizmos
 Fighting many wars
They tell me to be ashamed
But
I believe in peace
I believe in simplicity
And care nothing for fame

Not Again

You tell me not to cry
You say it every day
Tears of pain go away
But the scars remain
Upon my body
Or my soul
Your strict hand
Teaching obedience
Cannot understand
What you did to me
Nor I your desire to control
All I am
If you loved me
You would not do
What you do to me
You don't give a damn
You don't care at all
And my life
Is still in shambles
And my heart
Is still on fire
From the humiliation
From the domination
So I cry
And the tears go away
But they'll be back
When the day is done
I might lose
But you haven't won
I might die
But you'll never control
All I am
Ever again
Don't look away
I'm unashamed
Of my voice
Of my fist
Raised

What is left after the pyre

I ask why, why try
To change the world?
When time passes
And I stand still?
Everything that lives
Will some day die
Everything in me
That is good
Will flee with my ashes
Light the fire
Cast my ashes upon the wind
Rise to the sky
Place my body upon a pyre
Choose the truth, not the lie
Face the reality
That we are impermanent
Our flesh will not transcend
The moment
Only your soul
Will fly
From this place

SORROW OF THE CTHULHU SPAWN

ORDER HERE 

Thanks to JM Hunter and Evette Langford for their format and design help.

A collection of journal entries, prose, and verse, in the world where Cthulhu is a God.

Words by Alex Ness
Art by Caspar David Friedrich

Great Theseus

Theseus, child of the earth
Also born of the Gods
Possessed of a birthright
A royal charge

One day he'd be king
Son of two fathers
Raised in secret
By his mother

He grew up loved and brave
A child of destiny
While his peers
Hungered solely for power

Theseus was different
A DemiGod
Young but wise
Courageous yet insightful

Theseus was nonetheless willing
To give his life for his people
After Athens had angered 
The King of Crete, Minos

He, who long harbored a grudge
Asked for a ritual sacrifice
The youth of Athens
Would die in fear

Prey within the labyrinth
The Minotaur would hunt them
Would track them
Slay them

He hungered to feast
Upon the innocent
The slaughter of Athenian youth
Would feed his belly

Despite his lineage Theseus would face
The possibility of a cruel death
By taking the place of one
Meant for the sacrifice

He was given spool of thread
By the daughter of the Cretean king
Who had fallen in love
And didn't want Theseus dead

With stealth he made his way through the maze
Theseus was ready
Found, then attacked the minotaur
And struggled until only one lived

Theseus rose from the ground
Having killed his foe
And the aura of fate
Embraced him

He was a hero
A Demigod
A man
And king

Farewell Dominic Postiglione

Dominic Postiglione was one of my first and most steadfast supporters of my work.  He passed away today.  And he will be missed, deeply.  Farewell friend, I offer a Viking funeral for your courageous heart.

Just a Walk in the Forest

They say that the
Ghosts of the hopeless
Live there
Within the glory
Of the woven green
A mystical fantastic
Life spun forest
God's hand is evident
In the complex creation
Where plants and animals
Dwell
So beautiful and perfectly silent
The ghosts scream without sound
For this is holy ground
Never to be disturbed
By the hope of man
The dead live there
Taken there
By their own hands

The Suicide Forest

Photo Credit

A Problem with Numbers

(Media Credit)

Like a clock

Or a watch

Or sundial

I endure

I move on
I run

I am alive

When others leave

I can't see

Why 

I should

Move on

Knowing you ran away

I live

But don't know

Why

I bothered

I am all I ever will be

I am who I want to be

But you

Don't like what I am

Or who I might become

So that is a problem

A problem without an answer

tick

tick ticking

Clock goes on

Spinning around the numbers

Faster and faster

I know 

I can't last

Our Own Crucifixions

We often prefer the lie

But not for the ease of belief

Rather

We need hard realities

Broken down

The stories we are told

Rarely are true

But they are portions

That are more real

Than truth

Small little fictions

To remind us

Of the reality we understand

We forget

Our own crucifixions

We forget

How life takes our joy

Snatches it away

With nails through our hands
And our very own

Crown of thorns

That we pull down

Upon our skull

We sorrow 

But we linger

In the echoes

Of the pain

Of the moment

Even

When that is

Torment

Hope Is a Liar

From here

I don't have to be

Anyone but me

In my home

I never leave

Like a movie CD

Stuck in place

Playing the same scene

Misery over and over

Forever took too long to end

Legacies entwined

I wish to be alone

Leave me my friend

I wish to die

Alone

I can sit in this room

Without your company

Without your presence

To give me hope

I prefer living without

Hope is for those 

Who will lose

Everything

My life is my own

To give or take back

From others

Nothing needing to be atoned

Because I never understood

Buffered and not in colour

Thoughts of despair

That only exist

Because you insist

That you care

But you do not

So I resist

Your love isn't fair

And never will be

Destroyer

Approaching midnight

The last train leaves the station

For the terminal

I am desolation without solace

I have sought your way

My body is frail

Without you I fail

I fall to the ground in a heap

Alone staring, at the track

I walked the path

Of the righteous

Without righteousness

Without fulfillment

Without the joy

Enduring only wrath

By my own hand

I am the destroyer

I am the one

Who murders memory

I will destroy all evidence

Of my existence

Leaving only a legacy

Of pain and sorrow

I wait, without hope

For you to return

From terminus

Eternus

Eternus

Raw pain empties

Into nothingness

Ghosts in my mind

Of past days fleeting

I have only one hope

For justice

And it is you

Redeeming me

Soul Afire

In all my wretched existence 
I never saw anyone like her
She was a dream in real time
Perfect and exquisite
A poem in body form
An image I could not extinguish
She filled my mind with
A fire inside my soul
Burning with her name
Across my heart
So intricately woven
I am without shame
She is elegant beyond words
Moving so quickly
Through my thoughts
I can never relinquish
Her memory from my being
So delicate this soul afire
Consumed by passions
While I linger
In the moment
She took my heart

No Anchor

Like a ship in a whirpool
Having no anchor
A mystery I have found
I beg for the answer
What is the point of existence
Without some holy ground
I am alone with my thoughts
While the world pulses
Pulls me down
Sinking beneath the waves
Reaching up to be saved
My flesh watches me drown
And I am alone
Without my cloak of flesh
Possessing only hope
For redemption
Healing
Come take me
Home

Crushed heart, lost breath

Taking a deep breath
Holding it in
The pain holds me
Tighter than a vice
This life
Crushes me
Makes me hate myself
Which isn't fair
But what the hell
Everything I do
Everything I say
Rings a bell
And I am thrown
From the ring
The curtain falls
And I am escorted
Off the stage
Again
But I keep trying
Keep crying
Dreams are shattered
Hopes scattered
Unto the wind
For I love
So I lose
For I feel
So I shriek in pain
Again
But I will go on
Because the only thing worse
Than failing
Is quitting
My grieving will never end
So the bleeding
Pours from me
Screaming

Complete Control

My eyes are red
My neck is stiff
My body has not received rest
But I am alone
Alert, and confused
Dare I speak it
Dare I confess
In the midst of the darkness
The entire of the sleep is lost
When she visits my mind
Whilst I dream
I toss over and again
And wake
A mess
She was never my lover
She was never close
To my heart
But she dances upon my chest
I sleep in portions
Restlessly
If ever, or at all
Dreaming of her there
Crushing my mind
Sucking out my soul
Making me fear
To ever sleep
Again
For she
Is in
Complete control

You Hung There, From the Killing Tree

Slowly 

The procession crawled

Over head the skies grew dark

I saw you falling

While carrying a cross

Upon the bloody pulp 

Of your back
The scourge whipped flesh

Breaking beneath the torture

Beneath their hand

You were given stripes

Colored in blood

In the sorrow 

King of kings

Lord of lords

From a trickle 

To a flood

Of sadness

You paid for my sin

And I am without a way

That I could ever pay you

So I offer what I have

My flesh, bones and viscera

My heart, soul and mind

And the truth

Set me free

Even so long after

You hung there

From the killing tree

I can't even say her name

She hurt me so much
The mere mention of her name
Causes me pain
And then it ends
Before it has begun
However
I draw a breath
Close my eyes
To avoid the tears
That are going to come
When I think of what she has done
To my heart
To my hopes
To my dreams
I burn in shame
Left behind in this world
Covered in its shit
Again
I can't even say it
Her name causes me to shudder
If she were just a girl
Coming into my life
I'd have been prepared
But it was more
And now I cannot speak
Without the burning
Without the rain
Pouring down
Upon me
Again

For the seer, She sees it all

As I stare into an electric sky
Lightning pours down like rain
I am covered in shadow of stars
As they blink in and out of view
Serenity
By a halo of light I gaze into your eyes
You make my wild heart tame
You heal my sorrows and my scars
Allowing the sky to reveal blue
Electricity
Thunder clouds and a brilliant moon
The awesome power of nature's game
I beg of you to give me your heart
I shiver as if I am born new
Fantastic
Holding your hand I remember
Why I was created, again
I hope to never say au revoir
Because I am part of you
Ecstasy 
Renewed
Life abounding
Your way is true
Let the children dance
Let our heart's joy ensue
We are one
Sing children
Sarah is free
The world awakens
Again
Anew

Believe in me

I realize that I have no control
Over anyone but me
So as it has begun
You might like to know
I am not so foolish as to give
My heart to just anyone
But to one
Like you
And that love will redeem
You are woven intricately
Into my soul
You are not just anyone
I do not go
Where the wind might blow
Nor without thought
My heart has room
For you
And no one else
If you need proof
That I am true
I promise
You will see
My words are my bond
My feelings are real
Are you Doubting Thomas?
I might be a fool
For many things
But I am well aware of
Where my love is aimed
And how deep it goes
Believe in me
I am not just a part
I am the whole
In love with you

Lay with me beneath the Lotus tree

My heart awakens
When I see you
It shouts
And I cannot quiet it
I beg you
Shall we lay together
In the summer sun
May I speak
As if we are one
Let me entangle
My flesh
With yours
Tightly wear me
Let me feel what
Love is about
My flesh is weakened
Without your touch
Lift me with your love
While our spirit soars
Press your lips
Across mine
Breathe my air into your mouth
My life energy into your being
I burn inside
From the moment
I see you approach
My eyes never close
Your beauty drives me
My soul was dry
As if in drought
You quench my thirst
Stay with me here
Under the lotus trees
In the shade from the sun lit sky
Your love soothes my heart
Like a gentle breeze
In summer's heat
I love you
Forever more
I can never release
Your hand
Be the flood
Cover my land
With your love
"He lies under the lotus trees, in a covert of reeds and marsh. The lotus trees cover him with their shade; The willows by the brook surround him."

No thank you.

How many times
Did you call my name
In despair, needing me?
How many times
Did you ask me to bleed
For the sins of others
Making you scream
Hurting you inside
I begged for you mercy
You gave me pain
I begged for your love
That you never gave
And now when you are alone
You call my name again
Expecting me to fall
But I won't
Because
You taught me a lesson
That I won't forget
I earned it with burning regrets
I can't hear the phone
When you call
Because I hate myself
Whenever I answer
You don't know
How much I bleed
But I know
Loving you
Is a disaster

Angel Cat

You were the one
You were my sole love
Unique in your ways
Ubiquitous in my memories
Forgiving those few moments of rage
Embracing the legacy of your days
With me
Untold are the stories of your suffering
That no words can redeem
When I sleep I dream of your face
Kissing me
Tears don't wipe away the taste
Of sorrow
In me
I still grieve
And your ghost I still chase
Without relent
For the one
Heaven sent

For my angel Mischa, leaving me in 2001.

Please, no, make no mistake

No
I never said 
You shouldn't love me
You are mistaken
I said I don't understand
How someone so
Beautiful
Could say she loved me
Who would take my hand
Into hers
Make me fall into her soul
From the love's pull
Like gravity
I never said you shouldn't
I just said
I don't know
How I
Could find someone
So wonderful
Really
It doesn't matter
I don't need to be right
I just need to be
Yours

Cast out, for our selfish need

They wished to gain

Every thing

When they had all

That they would need

But have we ever been 

Content

With what we need

Instead we betrayed 

Ourselves 

The provenance

For our promise

In so doing

Throwing away

Perfection

We denied paradise 

For the wicked desire

To know

From our first breath

Wisdom comes with pain

The gates closed

Forever

Guarded and secured

To prevent our entry

How are we simple creatures

To ever be

Returned to that state

Where we are new

Born without

The knowledge of the flesh?