A personal quest

I sought her as ardently
As I might a quest
However as imperfect I am
I am no guarantee
To pass any sort of test
Other than allegiance
And truth of my heart
Some might argue
My allegiance is so tightly held
It comes off as perverse
But I never surrender
Even should I fail
I was wounded, yes
By the chances of success
I could long for her with a pure heart
And still burn until ashes
Due to the realization
Of where she is
For the great distance
And so far from being mine
Yet her mind and beauty
Her spirit of love
So utterly divine
I sought to be her own
As a test of my worth
I would keep myself pure
And until I found her there
I would do anything anything
I am always dutiful
I never shirk
To prove my heart true
The winds of circumstance
And the happenings of chance
Saw disasters happen
My life became cursed
For every bit that I was ready
I was tormented
I was attacked inside by fear
I was attacked by others
In both my quest, and elsewhere
I carry her banner across my shield
I never waver in the face of battle
But my heart suffers
For the solitude, self imposed
Until I see her again
Until she is mine
And in her heart I am hers

meat head

I remember such a long time ago
My friends and I were deciding
What to do
Teens with hormones
Playing Russian Roulette
But instead of Guns
We used love
First one with a broken heart
Sits it out until it ends

My words flow but betray me

I fall prey to thoughts
That give me clarity
I can't explain why
But the world does
And it tells me one thing
I know inside
That this world
Will never be for me
Who am I
It doesn't care
Why am I
It doesn't see
All I know and who I am
The world will never
Nor could it ever
Get used to me
I need to stop
Never speak
Again or again
My words flow
But always end up
Betraying me

Every sinner

Every sinner has his burden

Every Christ must carry his cross

And I know, I truly do

My time here is ending soon

So how should I address the one 

Who knows all of my thoughts

She has been inside my mind

Where I hide my pride

My deepest kept secrets

My hidden shames

All kept there from the world

My personae is false 

But magnificently and deeply wrought

She knows it all

Tells me so

But we never talk

We just stare at the sky

And bleed inside

Neither of us were ever taught

How to love another

So we linger in the darkness

Hoping to survive our flaws

But God

Nothing I have

Is ever enough

And now I am too tired

To ever 

Ever

Change

How can I go on

When all I do

Is make strangers

Of lovers

Estrange family and friends

Into others

 "You must suffer me to go my own dark way.”

Robert Louis Stevenson 

Plague Doctor 1

Brushed off my shoulders, my arms and hat
Then I walked to the next village
This one is much older
And like all other stops on the way
Plague seems to have killed every resident
Doesn't matter to me
If I care for these people
I lose my focus
Not because I am a murderer
Or violent sort
I have a job to do
I take the census
We need to know
If our underground bunker
Is the site of all of the humans
Upon the earth
First came the terror strike
Then the natural and lab grown plague rose up
Now there seems to be nothing
A consequence that seems both apt
Since researchers created and weaponized viruses and bacteria
And unnecessary
I simply hope to find life, anywhere.

Do not surrender

Never let those
Who have a desire
For your  fall
Have power over your existence
Never, never let those
Who'd love to see you upon a pyre
Answer the call
Existence is a gift
There is only this chance
You can only now have this
 And now what is there
You can choose to exist
Or end it all
You can grow or transcend this
Or overcome it all
This is all we are
There is nothing else
We are what there is
We cannot be place
Upon a shelf
This is our place
This is our goal
Let nothing replace us
Let nothing replace us
In our home

blue

Nearly gone, floating in the ether
Ennui numbs the mind
Blue the skin is turning
Frozen silent tears
Fearful black Easter
Standing astride
Sorrow burning
Aware to fear
Must find a way to cheat the reaper
Or lose my ability to decide
Screaming sirens warning
Now is the end, our final year
Nothing remains
But frozen dreams
And all of the pain

Abyss Sickness

Sick of the abyss
So cold no comfort
The world no better
Since I've run out of hope
I've lost all doubt
Measuring out
The proper length of rope
So my feet don't drag
I am not afraid of the fall
My lips sewn shut
To keep me from screaming
Or confessing
I have already fallen
So stop calling my name
I've given up

Ignorant Savages

I have given
And forgiven
And still
I am unable to achieve
Anything that truly matters
World peace is an insane dream
Hunger gets worse
And we pollute this planet
Beneath our drive to consume
We impose the curse
Why do we bother
Why do we go on
If we have to lie
To encourage our actions
Or have to perform triage
To save what little we can
We've already lost
Our world will be reduced to ashes
Just as a sacrifice
As it should be
With us along with them
Burnt and unrecognizable
We are the cursed
We are the unredeemed

We are the enemy

The world disappears
From view, from you
Used to be so clear
As a child it was
Beautiful, transcending
Even perfect
But no more
Now it is gone
Who stole it
Who destroyed it
So wrong, so wrong
The world is gone
And we remember
A place that
Will never be
Any more
Because of
What we did
And worse
What we didn't do

JCN Little Bird

My only child
I will miss you
With every breath
So much every day
I will bleed
And I will just call you
To see if you are ok
For your safety
I'll miss you
Little bird
You are free
But be safe
Because I already miss you
More than I
Could ever have believe
So very much  I am paralyzed
By my grief
Leave with my blessings
And with my prayers
I took your hand
My darling boy
I walked with you
To the park
Played and built
With Lego and toys
You are my joy
As a family
And I can only
For you hope
Dream well And pray
For your great success
And when you do
I will be complete
And whole

Above us all

A planet could be viewed
Along with its moon
The nebula sliced through
It moved slowly, menacingly
It would bring doom
But the end of everything
Was not what I feared
I was ready to leave
But this planet was shaking
Earthquakes splitting the crust
From gravity's pull
The mystics said we all need
To believe
But we already did
And saw hell approach
The last generation looked upon us
Askingly
And we had nothing to say
We had failed to find a way
For earth to survive

We are the lost

Shame should be our identity
For we have lost our world
To the conflicts of dictators
Internecine wars of fascist nations
The dust from the fires was so thick
Lung disease was the least of health issues
The world burned in a vast fire
Nuclear weapons spread by calculation
Explosions wiped out cities
The radiation made us sick
The world had no awareness
Of the impending doom
And there was no savior
We became covered in ash
We wore it, it was so ubiquitous
Ash covered exposed skin de rigueur

"And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth."  Revelation 16 :1

The wave of death

The qualities of being human
That make us better
Died with war, famine and plague
Our path was cruel
An approaching aegir
Even the oceans turned into fire lakes
The fall of mankind was a portent
Even the immutable became raped
Humanity refused to grow up
A species of orphans
We deserve this fate
There is no more hope or love

Nothing left

The first wave of destruction
Came without warning
Without any sort of defense
Solely doubts 
Fear became a seduction
The earth decayed without mourning
No hope to transcend, just pretense
The earth wounded casts us out

Christmas truce

The silent night, stars bright
Soldiers on both sides of war
Meet, eat, and celebrate
Not the end of conflict
But the calm of battle
Observing Peace on Earth
Showing Goodwill toward all men
Each sides bearing the scars
Of so many centuries of slaughter
It was time to grieve
Together they now stood
The last moment of peace
It was a time to believe
In the highest beliefs of our culture
Until returning to kill
Until the great powers insist
That good people everywhere
Lose their minds
And their lives
For reasons no one really understood

Against the Baby Killers

We refused to allow a distant killer
To terrorize our homes at night
To operate in the daylight
Without being stopped
We have nothing if we do not defend our homes
We have nothing to fight for
Should we allow our children to be slain
We know what war is
We know the rules all should follow
But we send our air men aloft
Or from the heavens will fall
Deadly rains

When Evil Hunts the Evil

After a decade of cooperation
The crime families chose to fight
They were kings of their territories
And they ruled the night

We don't know what caused the split
All we know is many are dead
Covered in blood and laying there
Autumn leaves make for soft beds

This is only a beginning
We can't start these fires
But crime families making wars
Can also fulfill our desires

Death From Above

The enemy was led by a madman
An ideology justifying slaughter
Destroy lives thought to be less than worth living
The political military destroyed
Those thought to be of ethnicity 
Parasitic and toxic
A slaughter of the innocent followed
In addition
The Nazi led military had done evil things
In return the Allied response
Bombing their industry and populace
Was not wrong
The path to victory
A way was seen
Bombs destroyed indiscriminately
The Air Force was fighting the enemy
Daily and nightly bombings
Ground morale to bits
But the German people did not quit
Even when facing
Death from above

Emptied

Become addicted to the chemicals you use
To get you past this time
Caffeine and food
Smoking cigarettes
Sleep and drinking
Cyanide and thyme
This night long eternity cannot last
But millions before me
Have found truth
That nothing lasts for long
Except sorrow
So what's the point
Feel it
Embrace the darkness
And perhaps you can linger
Until it becomes light

I lied, big deal

I lied and said I didn't care
But it was all I could do
Over and over she said wanted me to hurt
And I did
Love is unequal and unfair
Loving her was proof
Her ability to cause pain was her fine art
She demanded that I submit
So I walked away
It was my choice
To no longer accept demands
I should say
I hate, now, her voice
Go ahead, say I am damned
I accept my fate
Every day
Damnation scares me less
Than her love
And her constant use
Of force

The Pain of Living

I stopped screaming after birth
Until I learned life was a curse
Burning pain within my mind
Screams reveal panic inside

Ways We Could Die

Whatever the cause
We cannot prepare for it
We can only hope to be ready
To die
Our hearts bereft
Our loved ones absent
Floods of cities and shores
Disease and outbreaks
Virus and bacteria run rampant
Rebellion and wars
Leave the dead
Without funerals
Or opportunity to reflect
The wave of damnation rises
No one can run
To flee is pointless

Face to Face

A world divided cannot be maintained
Without threats of violence, hate and shame
A cold war was fought without mercy
A cold war was carried on, without any grace
Building up walls and radar coverage
Training warriors to kill the enemy
From a distance perhaps, or close at hand
Humans possess a wild spirit
That cannot be tamed

Grieving doesn't help

So now you are alone
No one waiting for you
Grieving doesn't help
When the love has passed
So far from view
Whether  you are a traitor
Or a victim
Whichever you might be
It doesn't matter
What was true

Herd of no Return

In the days before all of the plains were covered
The bison never retreated, lifted black clouds
They moved in the herd
Single members could not be perceived
Together they had moved in numbers
In a fearsome wave of thunder
That shook the earth
They were slaughtered
Not truly for their meat
Or their hides
It was their absolute worth
To the indigine
Nothing that white society cared about
The slaughter was near complete
And consequence was devastation
It nearly killed the native nation
The bison were wiped out
In a form of genocide
And all humanity suffered
There can be no doubt


We cannot dwell side by side. Only seven years ago we made a treaty by which we were assured that the buffalo country should be left to us forever. Now they threaten to take that away from us. My brothers, shall we submit or shall we say to them: 'First kill me before you take possession of my land”
― Sitting Bull

to live as one

uniquely created
or by breeding planned
what is the point of living
or is purpose something
I misunderstand
nothing exists
that does not die
so every step
is upon holy land

heroin's heroine

Your soul was sold
The moment you paid
A needle prick
Invites the cold
Calm and quiet
My soul is silent
Nothing to see
Nothing to see
Hide your eyes
Commit suicide
Nothing left
Nothing inside

Do with me what you will

There is nothing
I will not do
To be with
You
There is nothing
I can do
To get through
To you
I surrender
To you
All that I am
Please
Do with me
Whatever you will
I am yours to command
I fall before you
Upon my knees
I know you are all there is
And you are all there is
I need to please
Please, oh please, let me be yours
I have been destroyed
Since I found out
What I do not have
And probably
Never will

In your service

Oh to know you
To inherit eternity
What does it require?
Is there no magic
That can bring us closer?
No words in sequence ?
Only power in your lexicon
Your perfection is no secret
Great in knowledge and reason
You took me from Babylon
Saved my people from bondage
When slaves in Egypt
Now your water runs through me
You've quenched my thirst
Following you is not religion
Knowing you is truth
No rituals followed
Can bring you closer
Only communion
And repentance
Forgiveness
Let me be an incense
Upon your altar
Let me a scent
That pleases you
Let me be in the service
Of my king
Let me be yours
Oh my lord

no fears, no regrets

Just because I could
I did
Even though
It might be suicide
I was told to fly
But not to try
To reach so far
As to reach the sky
I ignored the advice
And touched the sun's face
My wings melted and
I fell and the angels cried
Crashing to earth
My flesh died
Who I am
Who I was
Will never live
By avoiding life
Who I am now
Will never die
By regretting my choices
That were right
I might be gone
But I touched the sun
When others fear the thought
Of flight

This world

All I see looking out upon the world

Faithful people are being silent

Assholes are doing assholish things

Fools are blaming others

In a bloodsport

Reveling in the violence

As the world splits apart

“But this was not quite the right kraken apocalypse.”― China Miéville, Kraken

No more room

There is not room for more
Where my heart is standing
Too many reasons to fall
Too many people demanding
That I live for them
Instead of saving me
I hear the phone calling
Its not for me

Skulls on the desert floor

No longer breathing
Far from living
Like a memory tossed out
A skull of a living being
Left behind
Like a marker
Upon the desert floor
Was it slaughtered
Did it die to feed a human
Or did it wander too far
From the water
Perhaps
Exhaust itself was the cause
Did it escape a predator
Summer heat rising
Body temperature
Both ascending
The need to escape
Too much pressure
And the ox simply died
Without notice
Of any of kin

Delayed

Fragile heart
Such delicate beauty
Intricate soul
Your love
Is much
So much like
Cruelty
I hold you above
All I find
Delight with
When you delay
I am
Forsaken
Sorrow unspoken
Alone
Without
Anyone
Bleeding out
Again
Ashamed
Filled with doubt
Broken
Unmasked
Nude before my accusers
And covered
With scars
Caused
By waiting
For you
To say
A
Single
Word

No Chains

Everything has a purpose
Every accident has its claims
We exist for a reasons
Not to live in chains

Not today

Maybe another time
Maybe a different day
I've nothing left inside
But this stupid rage
Imprisoned in my mind
Trapped in the cage
I've nothing left
Today

Join the Damnation Army

Again
And again
In my mind
I remain
Turned inside out
Bleeding
Every time
Leaving nothing to doubt
I give in
I shout
I pray
Nothing can save me
But why worry
Doesn't matter what I say
Doesn't matter what I do
I can't give the words
I can't read your mind
No matter
How much time
I take
How many times I try
That avenue is closed
To me
And everyone else
I break under the stress
And nothing is left
For you
Or for my own salvation
Hey join me
Starting my own
Damnation army
We'll conquer the world
We'll leave tomorrow
Leave the world in tears
For all the sorrow we felt
Without a bit of help
Not one speck
Of reconciliation

God has given life

My life was settled
I was tame
No longer wild
And he came
My heart grew twenty times larger
By loving a child
My body pains grew
Twenty times worse
When he grew up
Leaving home
But I'd not trade any of it
Not a day, none
My soul was made new
By going through
The most beautiful
Most frightening event
The addition of him
To my life
Without
I'd have nothing
Worth having
Not
One
Thing

Trust

She said "Trust me
I promise
I'll be back"
I said "ok"
Knowing
It is better
To just
Acquiesce
Accept that
She's gone
Knowing now
What I should've
For so long
I fell to the bed
In a thump
It was empty
And I thought
Instead of sounding
Like it
I'd rather actually
Be dead
She said
"Why do you care"
And you know
I no longer know
All I feel
Anymore is
Despair
Trust me?
Right
Trust me?
I'll get right on that
Trust me?
Sure
I trust that you'll leave
I trust you indeed
Trust me