Loss and loss again

Walking in the tall grass fields
After her wedding to Orpheus
Eurydice was surprised
By an ardent Satyr
She screamed and fled
Only to her dismay to be bitten
By a snake upon her ankle
She had stumbled in flight
Into a pit full of vipers
Husband Orpheus was destroyed
His heart was made numb
His music was of grieving
Broken, if beautiful
And not only the people
Were moved to mourn
The gods and the godly
All urged him to travel
Into the underworld
A dark realm for the dead
He played for Hades and Persephone
Masters of the dead realm
And they were moved
Eurydice was allowed to return
With Orpheus to the surface
With only one rule
That Orpheus should not look upon her
Until they arrived
To the land of the living
But he failed
With the quest nearly fulfilled
He turned to look
And there and then
She disappeared
For then and always

Hard rocks he soften'd with persuasive song,
And sooth'd the rivers as they roll'd along.
Yon beeches tall, that bloom near Zona, still
Remain memorials of his vocal skill:
His lays Pieria's listening trees admire,

And move in measures to his melting lyre.

Apollonius of Rhodes

Her Thrall

I longed for her in my depths
I'd have given her my life blood
If she had asked me for it all
And in deepest faith I prayed
Outside of her presence, I was bereft
If a glimpse of her, came the flood
Emotions overwhelming, I am her thrall
Gods help me, loving her was my crusade

Porcelain was her skin
Her mane was golden
Her spirit fierce
Inside me burned a fire
She moves me within
Inside my soul she is woven
My heart deeply pierced
And she is my only desire

She wore a princess crown
Ruled with regal grace
I was her servant, in her service
I grew flustered, begged her mercy
There she spoke becomes sacred ground
Behind the wall we embraced
She saw my visage was earnest
Her heart so pure, I felt dirty

I wore armor, but was vulnerable
Empty of any defense, I was weak
I kept speaking aloud my fears
I heard her as she laughed, without guile
My love, my life was honorable
And she was powerful, never meek
She brushed back my cold tears
And cried her own, as I rode into exile

Forgotten and Refused

Hey now listen
I was given the chance
To end my being confused
I was a fool
So now just me,  actually
Fucking choose
Its not up to you
These thoughts are long
Forgotten and refused
What the fuck is there if forever is gone
Why should I be solid
If all I thought is wrong
Your words move me
Even they redeem me
Why should I believe
If forever is gone
Never existed
Never wanted
Forever haunted
By the thought
That something I had thought perfect
Is now forever wrong
Its gone
And nothing is said to last forever
But I am broken
My soul forsaken
My prayers unspoken
My soul breaking
Why don't you stop
Break me
Stop loving me
Make me
Stop loving you
I want the truth
Stop my love
Show me some proof
Because I said I'd love forever
And forever has no end
If you can't see that I'm sorry
Because forever never ends
Forever never ends

For the person with internet who sends pics

You called my name
You held me still
You sent me images of you
But I'll not be the same
You've broken my will
You've made me break in two
And yet
Beauty alone does not make you beautiful
Nudity and sexual prowess doesn't make you sexy
Yes, your beauty was perfect even musical
Your images were sexual, made my burden heavy
I will never, now, bring you to mind
Despite the valiant effort you made
I will reject you inside
My lust is given, not tamed
Once I would have longed to be
The one you showered with attention
But I was already redeemed
And it hers I accept, the affection
You never were the one
I assumed would be there in the end
I never saw you when my journey was begun
And I reject these messages you send

Waking, Asleep to my flesh, The Nightmare

Not that I am the one who decides
Who divides the numbers
Between perfectly moral
And not in the least
I listen to the ocean tides
Counting my sins and they outnumber
The demons about to feast
All of my saving acts of grace
Are destroyed
All of my hope and trust
Eroded by my lust and hunger
For that which is not allowed
I have broken many times before
But I am awakened
To my flesh
And cannot begin to make the effort
To begin again
To suffer more
To know the truth
I believe and yet I know
My soul fades
With every foolish act
Every sin of my flesh
Burns
Obvious to any who might look
Indeed
Obvious to all who view

the cloak and helmet

When the spirit descends
Humans take upon them
A cloak of flesh
And a helmet of bone
They get 9 lives minus 8
And they must comprehend
A new life they will become
Anything for the spirit refreshed
When dead they return the loan
The body bag is flesh incarnate

My lips whisper

I was hollow
Shallow and pale
My flesh has no color
My soul has burned for her
I was willing to suffer
Willing to do anything to be
The one she might need
In the end it doesn't matter
My life hung up for view
Every effort seen as askew
Let these lips whisper words
Breaking every curse
I pray that you hear
And be inspired by each one
And are drawn to be near

HOW PTSD DISASSEMBLES YOU

I've endured a life
Of a kind of conditioning
How was I supposed to react
With every act of kindness suspect
I refuse to be burned, again
I hope I can be forgiven then
For questioning
All of these beautiful moments,
Or were they secret attacks
My past causes me to dissect
Everything that might cause pain
So please forgive me
Your generous act or gift
Could have meant the world to me
If I weren't broken
Crippled
With fears that persist
I wasn't made to be reassembled
Daily
My fears are not unspoken
I can't take more
So please
If it offends you
Don't be kind to me
Anymore
I can't accept it
Your generous gift
For what it was meant to be

Zzzz

Falling face forward
Into rose petals and goose down
I have nothing to offer
But thanks and appreciations
With love like an orchard
I rest in the holiest ground
Neither wealthy man nor pauper
In sleep I will celebrate creation

“King Sleep was father of a thousand sons – indeed a tribe – and of them all, the one he chose was Morpheus, who had such skill in miming any human form at will. No other Dream (Oneiro, Morpheus’ brother)  can match his artistry in counterfeiting men: their voice, their gait, their face – their moods; and, too, he imitates their dress precisely and the words they use most frequently. But he mimes only men…”  Ovid

To Someone I used to Know

I know others lied
When they denied
The truth
I thought you were beautiful
And you are
But not inside
Inside you were a crash scene
With limbs and organs broken and destroyed
As always, I am dutiful
But loving you was suicide
You should have set off alarms
With every mercy denied
The love so serene
I would dive into the void
To deny the truth
You wound me
Destroy me
And in the end
I should rejoice
But instead
I am dead
Inside
Yes
I love you
But it hurts
And that pain
Never goes away

Immutable Soul

From pink to blue to the gray
Within my flesh beats a heart
It will stop and die some day
As my light within grows dark
And yet I live within
I will ascend
For I will join the creator
And there I will be
Unbroken
For I possess one thing
An immutable soul
I will be free from life's prison
My flesh will have no control

Refuse to surrender

Some government lackey was rewarded
With every word of mine that she recorded
Knowingly I deepened my death sentence
With every act of cold vengeance
With every thought I kept inside
An accused I'd be of a thought crime
So I have had to learn to be mute
Thoughtless and wordless
Actionless and fearless
They would have no proof
Despite their ability
To create evidence
I had to find a way
To leave this place
To escape
But the world I live upon
Sees me only as a pawn
In the eternal chess game
That it plays
This will all end
I am certain
And it is true
That I won't survive
But I'd rather leave early
Than be a part
Of their fetid vulgar hive

Nightmare ward

Lobotomize my brain
Castrate my urge
Add to my blame
Let me be the one purged
It is my failings
They are my children
I deserve the shame
My hidden secrets made for your unveiling
Torment my soul
Leave me unwhole
I refuse to cry
I refuse to be silent
If I must be a fool
You can pay for it
With your comfort

1998-2018

My son was born in the last moments of 1998
As a toddler growing up
He was unaware of the world around him
Until much later and despite my efforts
He saw the replay of the tower collapse
Something changed inside me
Something burned within
Because I realized now
My world might demand I offer my son
As a part of sick sacrifice
Called the draft
I waited for the worst news
Now that he is older I have realized
He has lived during a period
From 2001 to the present
Of constant war
And constant violence and hate
I can't change the world only my own soul
But however my son was raised
The world might want control
It breaks me inside
Leaves me with guilt
Leaves me feeling rage
He is there for the picking
And there is nothing I can change

End of the Argument

How we have fought
Every second passed with hate
My love, we can't end this argument
There is no point in more debate
Nothing offered like win by reason
So why does this feel like treason?
Can we live with what we've wrought?
OK you offer a coin toss, why not
Heads I lose, tails you win
On a two headed coin
Hand me a rope to help
Raise me from the pit
Why is there a noose at the end?
Would you rather tie it off with a knot
I see what you mean
You'd rather use a gun because
You are a good shot
One last question
Who decided
That I needed
To die?

Grieves me

Just knowing you grieves me
How should I have known
That you wound so deeply
But I'd never sell my moment
When you arrived and your star shone
My heart still knows torment
Still you are my favorite pain
I would never give away the first time
You called my name
My lovely one
My tears are ripe
The sorrow is again begun
Let me shiver in your aura
Let me grieve inside your space
Not relive but not forget the horror
Of the moment I realized
You'd never come back
Never come back
Never come back
Again

Don't join me in the abyss

The sands leave my hand
The fingers sift
I am alone in the darkness
So you need to let it end
When
And even if
I keep saying never let me go
Keep me in the dark
Leave on my forehead sweetly
A soft kiss
Then close the door
With my future in hand
While I twist
You'd rather mock me repeatedly
My soft breathing
Would end
If only you'd let it go
While I leap into the abyss
How will ever know to stay
With a heart covered in scars
I'd never escape
I wish you would simply let me die
Than to fill my mind
With verbal cyanide
While you then tell me
It is a sin to commit suicide

Let the Rain Pour

How long must the innocent cry
How long must the cancer grow inside
We are crying for justice, for hope
Our own grave we leapt into, we go
Is there something worth living for
Are we condemned to a future of lives we abhor
What remains when the fire burns away
All our lives are victims of the pain
Pour down rain of forgiveness
Let us be again yours
Oh God
Let the rain pour

Leap into the void

How can I live
When I want to die
I am broken how can I forgive
When it makes me dream of suicide
If there is nothing beyond
Or if there is heaven
I still might prefer oblivion
Than beatings and confessions
I keep praying
Because I know, I am not god
I am too evil, too selfish and self hating
Even my dreams are flawed
Let me pass into dust
Let me leap into the void
Let me turn rigid steel to rust
All I have are dreams destroyed
And they are never coming back
They are never coming back
Never coming back
At all

Your Soul Is

Your soul is a tapestry
Woven using platinum threads
And the belief in the future
It is alive with dance
Moving with purpose
Following the lead
Of your heart's desires
And the dreams of your soul
This moment
Captured quickening
Throw away your watch
Today is the beginning
Of a journey
To where time does not exist
A place without a tomorrow
Let us never lose sight
Of a vision beckoning
Let us become all things possible
From the hibernation
You've opened your eyes
And now you are awakening
And there is no one, not even one
Nearly like
Let alone the same
As you
You are
Unique
Beautiful
Graceful
Merciful

Fists raised

The bodies of the broken
Exhibit the tragedies of the breaking
Nothing within our soul can breathe
Unless the truth of being is spoken
We can resist, we can conform
Only to the degree we are allowed
Permission comes from desire
But no one holds back the storm
Only the willing
Only the able
Set forth knowing
They are going to be unforgiven
But they will be
raising their fist
In rebellion

Truth

You might not realize it
In fact, if it works, you won't
Before you thought it
Your subconscious gave it deep consideration
Before you did it, you planned it in every respect
Nothing is left to imagination
Unless you were told to think this way
Sooner or later the hubris of society
Gathers in your mind
And your subconscious leaks into conscious
Eventually you'll not think a thing
You are completely ordered
Ready to commit mental suicide

So holy this place, this secret place

Amidst the lamps burning oil
The braziers lifting incense scents
Luxurious carpets and bedding of silk
I am within her holy of holies
And there is nothing I can say
To describe how it moves me

After a life of toil
Miserable endless torment
I enter a secret place without guilt
Her form covered in petals and roses
This is worth all that I've prayed
My memories escape, my tears flee

In her secret place I am loved
In my secret place I am redeemed
In this wonder palace I taste the heavens
And all the while I know, this is no dream

I spent my life blood in the quest
To save my land, by command and word
 My flesh was wounded, I faced a test
And for my king I was his shield
And his sword

Now in this heavenly place I can cry
Tears of joy for my sacrifice
I was not longing to die
But my hopes could not be disguised

I found heaven in her arms
My flesh was weary
And my soul so weak
With her I heal from the harm
She removes the burden of all I carry
And she is the one I seek

My flesh will some day die
But my spirit will indeed live
She heals my pain
Allowing me to be forgiven

Darkness invited

I always knew you had no love, only lust
The future is something few might see
I hate the capricious whims of trust
That hurts and doesn't help me
This suit of armor has turned to rust
I might sleep, having nightmares, not dreams
Winter of the soul has fallen
My eyes see only white
But darkness has called
It breeds when hope turns blight
Bitter wine upon the snow is poured
I called your name, saw where you'd been
You were gone, and burned the path we'd walked
Our love story seemed now written by Satan's pen
My heart is open, a diary unlocked
I saw it coming, saw the darkness of the horizon
And though I am wounded, and bleeding
I refuse to surrender
And though my soul wind is screaming
You were a pretender
As your love runs dry,
My soul retreating
And now I shake the dust from my shoes
Shrug off the burdens of hope
And rise

Parentless and Faithless

Spill the finest vintage once again
After centuries we've never learned
Our mental illness is in control
Our desolate hearts choose to remain
Where the crops of youth are burned
We cast out the beautiful souls
Our desire is to kill
And become emperors
And fools
Beware of our murderous will
Nations of opportunist adventurers
We are without excuse
Let the wine pour out
We've consumed our own children
There is only damnation
Our brightest lights blacked out
Choosing burlap over threads silken
The funeral pyres serve as cremation
We've doomed our youngest
We've consumed our future grains
How dare we assume our greatness
The fear should be abundant
Our acts insult our mother's labor's pain
This generation is parentless
Since to our children we are faithless

Dark beauty

Misunderstood and ignored
Hunted and abhored
The black swan are blamed
For anything that can be placed upon them
And they are beautiful
Despite the hate

sanguine

My life is bent
Broken in time
Life blood sanguine
Calm, sleeping
It flows but slowly
It moves, but dreamingly
To know is to transcend
To rise is to ascend
It has purpose
And has had meaning
In the heart of all of us

All I'll get

She asked if I might be willing to be hers
As if saying so would make it true
I wanted to say yes
To make her happy
But there are some people
Who are never that
And she was one of them
So instead I said nothing
And she was angry
So very angry
But they were just words
And if I'd said yes
But inside said no
It'd have made no difference
And if I said no
But my heart said yes
I'd be broken and she'd still be angry
So screw it
I have nothing
I want nothing
And that is all I'll get

Relax, Take a Seat

Ask yourself
Which direction does the electrical charge flow
From the wall, into the body, destroying tissue
Or do the wires carry the wave
From the body and soul
To the wall's electrodes

Shall we dance?

Love is life
And it goes on
Like the sharpest knife
Life has never been soft
It has sliced through every fabric
Every texture offered
Never lasts
This hopeless oblivion
Shall we dance
There is no circumstance
In which we might survive
Full of gifts and flattery
Thank you for the chance
To love you
I've loved you savagely
And now with nothing left
I still hold out my hand
Take it
Shall we dance
Shall we?

The Familiar Realms of Oblivion

The veil of madness had descended and revealed behind it
Reclining gods laying about a vanity, upon a cloud
They spoke about higher things and praised each other aloud
But who really knows the meaning of when jealous gods converse
Eros passed a chalice to amused Psyche
Who then turned and mocked, playing coy
Thirsty Morpheus who then smiled without any guile
His lips pursed as if to kiss and collapsed
His eyes rolled back as the darkness of entirety
Consumed all he was and all of his dreams
Knowledge and wisdom never prepared him
For the doom awaiting him
For without love, even the king of sleep falls
And to drink of the cup of Eros, one becomes drunk
Twisting in lust consumes your soul entire
To dream of forever brings you to familiar realms
To enter Hades is to enter the land of ire
Where the torment is complete
The realms of Hades and Oblivion
Await those who burn
Then they walk and light the torch
Sit upon the fire
And burn to ash in the pyre