The One, I am

I sat upon the moon of a distant planet
Stared into the darkness and pointed
And stars came into view
Because I planned it
For my pleasure
Life is born
Before the universe existed
I am
Before the universe had life
I was
The circle has no start
No ending
Something has always been
I am

Urban Eden

In the lush forest of existence of the extravagance of the leisure
I walked into the center of the capital of all the luxury
Built with exquisite energy and effort and all the empire's treasures
What I saw would shock me for the rest of my life, however unwealthy
I saw glass and steel shattered, like so many dreams of man
I saw melted stone and wood collapsed
Like so many hearts and hopes we have
I saw decay abundant
I saw devastation beyond decay
I saw abhorrent things
I cannot relate
And the world around me
Fell to my feet
As the people looked around and said
How beautiful is this,
The world that we have made

Entombed in living flesh

I walked along the shore
Of a lake frozen closed
I stepped upon the surface
The ice held my weight
Although my sorrow was heavy
The ice neither cracked nor leaked
I looked down into the ice
And saw a face frozen looking up
It didn't scream, it didn't cry
It didn't move, it didn't speak
All it did was exist
Much like me here
Frozen or unfrozen
All it did was exist
In the living or gray
I have to be more
I have to escape
The unliving life
The slumber of the waking
The existing just to exist
Thaw my being
So that I might truly live
Warm my soul
So that I might be alive

Into the Mist the Walker Walks

As the morning mist rises
A walker can be seen walking
There is no sound surrounding him
There is no scene to be seen
He just walks into the mist
Where the world collapses
The gray melts into white
And the world spins away
Without his knowing
Without his caring
The world moves on
Alone
The mist is there
He doesn't care
The walker walks
And is going home

UnreifeKirsche

Obscured by the Mists of Oblivion

Forgive me, my Princess
I've searched beyond all meridians
I've searched for you
But I've been lost, my love
In the mists of oblivion
Where there is no light nor darkness
My way obscured by sorrow
Yes I know
The flesh should not be missed
It is transient
The spirit lives forever
So until I find you
I will search
With Innocence
Love
Faithfullness
I will search
And I will find you
Once again
I promise

Nothing for them

Living in condemnation
They die
25,000 every day
750,000 per month
8.5 million per year
Children die from starvation
No salvation
No hope
Just death and dying
Bleeding and crying
While the western world grows fat
Upon the spoils of the wars
Of the rest of the world
Fighting over the scraps
Remaining

The Field Awaits the Reaper

The harvest waits
Redemption begins
But the trauma of birth
The sowing is remembered
The point of being kept sacred
Humanity's December put off
By the knowledge of the harvest
Delayed
The harvest waits
We are compelled
To begin again
For who knows when
The sun will shine
Again like this
So warmly

The Other Side

We see nothing but that which is before us
They see through time
Staring into the dreamscape
Our sleeping world is silent
They are able
To enter the other side
We are waiting for the moment
When creation is quiet
But the ravens watch
And see through
The veil of reality
Replacing the mists of naught
And see the truth

ворон
Watari karasu
Corbeau
Cuervo
Fhiaigh

You are Unique, Yes

You have our full attention
Only you possess this moment
Freshly given this place
Hungry for our affection
Surely given an embrace
You represent hope
Of life over oblivion
We all tremble in the presence
You will change the world
Nothing will go to waste
You are the future
We are the past
Take this moment and never let go
Make your time last



“Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.”  Pablo Casals

Fierce Love

Fierce in love
Soft in the heart
Eyes like flame
My dreams afire
In you
Fill me full
Alive with you
Gentle kisses upon my face
Tender touches upon my soul
Emotions I can't describe
Only the word alive will do
You are the one to fill my cup
You are the only one
I run to you
Alive in you
You are the one I need
I run to you
Alive in you
You make me believe
Because you are love
Made of love
And never cease
To love me

I am Become Desolation

I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never seen your eyes
You brought famine to my soul
You made me linger in denial
Barren land of hope
I refuse to cross
Yet when I see you
I want you
Because I know you
I need you
And I know that you aren't there
Waiting
Plague of sorrows wound me
Because I know you
Now my soul stripped bare
My flesh is all that remains
Waiting to die without you
You are gone
I am become desolation
I am shame

Flesh, my decay

My lust
Finger on my trigger
Noose around my neck
Lethal injection delivered
Blade that dissects the flesh
Unleashing the flame
Uncontrolled fire inside
All I can do is watch
As my flesh commits
Sexicide
Take me down that road
Lead me to oblivion
Let me writhe in lust
Slowly, so slowly
Until I am blind to all it does
Eat my soul away, let me die
Blind my eyes
Eat my soul
Destroy my life
My flesh causes my soul to decay

When Stars Stood Still

The stars stood still for you
The sky spread wide apart
The day felt so new
This was a fresh start
The earth was ill prepared
For the gift you shared
The bridge was placed
Between the flesh and the word
The journey offered
Narrow and difficult
But the reward
So good
So pure
So worthy

Dusts of Oblivion

Perhaps,
In you there is nothing for me
My insides are scarred from life
But I made a vow and I mean to be true
You linger here, seemingly
With nothing in your heart
I keeping waiting for the love to renew
And the truth comforts me
Because a burnt forest takes time to grow
The world can pass before I stop 
My heart was broken but I keep vigil
Waiting
Waiting for you to know
I am not going anywhere without you
My resolve is rigid, my faith is strong
I will love you til there are no stars in the sky
Until all hope is gone
Waiting
Waiting for you to know
I'm never leaving, not leaving you
Until the winds of oblivion blow
Dust through my skeletal hand

Fatal Fascination

Only a person who has
seen these things, could
know these things, could
desire these things.

Only a person with a problem
in his head, could imagine the
dead by his hand.

I am a poem unspoken

These wounds are grievous
But I must bleed
I am not someone's desire
I have no one to love me
I am broken into pieces
Unredeemed and crying
Not a mystery
Nor a secret
No one will be my fire
Wind without a sail, breath without lungs
I am broken, a poem unspoken
Tears keep falling down
I miss you now
Like I loved you then
Fully and fulfilled
My sorrow is my crown
Worn like a king of nothing
Surround by a mansion
Of empty rooms
I am worthless without you
Devastated by this ruthless knowledge that
I am alone, I will be forever
Having known you, having lost you
Having had you call my name
I wish I were dead
Instead I am a king of this emptiness
And wear my crown of shame
Upon my turned down head
So no one sees these tears
Of failure

Unrequited Kiss

I long for the kiss of Azrael
But he refuses to allow it
I wish to go away forever
It is just out of reach

I attempt to surrender
But it is ignored
There is more of me lost
Than will ever be found

Necrotic at the core
I am less living than dead
No memories left to remember
Grown cold and laying

Upon this frozen ground
The clouds above a confluence
Of darkness and light
Never stopping

Dancing before earth's auditorium
They are comforting but silent
Yet they beckon me
To go to the other side

The prison of flesh is my tedium
The other side is freedom
The clouds spin
The spiral of energy flows

The opera sings my requiem
But I am still here
Who refuses to sever
The chains that bind me to this place

I am ready to leave
Let me fly
Life is my pain and death my opium
The door is open

Azrael kiss me, kiss me deadly


 

untitled

Some think that the universe has justice
Some believe that life is good
Some believe that all the pain
We feel
Ultimately will remind us
Of what is true
Of what is worthy
Of what is just
But I don't know
I've no idea
I believe life just is
I believe that we exist
I believe all there is
Is what there is
And God knows
Why we live
Why we die
Why we sorrow
Laugh or cry
I don't know any more
Don't know the path
Don't know how to find
Heaven's door
With every dagger's twist
Every ironic shift
From every hope
To resolute exhaustive surrender
I don't know why we are here
And I don't want to remember
I just wish to sleep
I just wish
To go away
Dream of the end
In my cold little place
In my cold little world

Worn

This sorrow wears me
I am worn like a blanket
Weighted with lead
Drowning
My dreams have died
My flesh is cold
I've nothing but sorrow inside
Driving me down
Driving me down
Where nothing lives
A blackness fecund
Torments and chains
Holding me down
With no need to commit suicide
My life flees
Upon its own
and my sorrow
wears me
Like a fucking crown

The Adams Monument by Augustus Saint-Gaudens

Beauty in Ice

Amidst this frozen miracle
The winter darkness
Still bears life
I am fascinated by
Pure water forming ice
Patterns form and are beautiful
Delicate yet sharply defined
Coldly etched upon the surface
Time will erase them
The day will birth
The sun will rise
They will melt and fade
But until the thaw comes
I am content
To look at them
And wonder at them
Because their beauty reminds me
That nothing lasts forever
No matter how beautiful they might be

(Photo Copyright Owned by...)

Beneath the ice

Overhead an eagle flies
Above the snow field
Beneath the river ice
My stream still flows
In winter I am
Still alive
Upon the surface
A crow dances upon the snow
For life exists
No matter the season
I must persevere
Despite my sorrow
Despite the many reasons
I find
To not go on
There will be no winter kill
I will not enter
Oblivion
Willingly

Passion without fear

Like a beast
Without shame
It is within me
It hunts without fear
Unwilling to be tamed
Wild, passionate
Unsubtle but silent
Hungry but restrained
Hidden but real
My passion for you
Cannot be held back
I long for you
Like a beast
Upon the hunt
Your being near me
Like a feast
Your lips
My desire
In my heart
A beast hunts your being
That beast is unquenched
With absolute fire

Fair Nymphaea

A fool perhaps
I was immune to the fear
Because I dreamed
I saw hope instead
Of the red skies
The doom that covered the horizon
The sleep of the gods
The seed of oblivion
Passing not born
Because I saw your beauty
In a world torn with pain
I saw someone so unique
The sorrow of the tomb
Emptied with the proof
That love is eternal
That we might know the truth
By one who is in soul bloom
Nymphaea
Nymphaea
Beautiful princess

(photo copyright-- Yoko Nekonomania)

Like Sheep to Slaughter

We enter the slaughterhouse
By our own design
Giving up the joy
The hope
The dream
Giving our life
For instant pleasure
For instant death
By the inch
We created the slaughterhouse
The one we will die in
For our love of things
For sins
That kill us

Wie Schafe zur Schlachtbank geführt

They tell me

Told to go on
But I can't
Told to stay strong
But I'm not
Told its a long road
But I am tired
I don't have enough
To share
Don't have it in me
Anywhere
I am exhausted
In every way
So I break
There is nothing to do
There is nothing to say
I'm just here
For other's sake
I don't care anymore
I don't want to care
Ever again
I am undone
Undone
My spirit is slain
I am flesh
But without the will
To remain
So cold

Seeds

I cry until my heart is drenched 
Loving you should mean
I am grateful
But that is too hard
In the absence
Sometimes I bleed
From desire
Unquenched
I grow bitter
Without your love
But
Both gratitude and bitterness are seeds
That bear fruit
Hope is a fire
Inside I am dying
From the desire
To love you
I vacillate between hope
And the pain
Of nothing

Zion's Lions

Hounded for their wealth
Hunted for their race
Hated for their beliefs
Killed for being alive
They chose instead to stand
If they set their weapons down
They would die
If the other wanted peace
War would end

Alone now and forever

I can't survive the sorrow
Your absence punishes me
There is no hope
Nothing can redeem
How I miss you now
And will never be free
Tears of sadness
Streaming down
The place I stand
Becomes unholy ground
For there will never be
A way for me to be
Healed
Hopeful
I need to be released
From this endless prison sentence
Of missing you
Of being alone now
Without your presence
I can't survive the sorrow
My heart will always grieve
I have no way of leaving
This unholy place
I made for myself
Without you
Now
And forever

Clash

In the bowels of the earth
Even below river Styx
To the depths of Hell
Oni and their master
Torture stolen souls

For the dead this is a curse
All hope is eclipsed
And their spark is but a shell
They burn and hear laughter
The ringmaster has complete control

For the rich there is hunger and thirst
Their beings are transfixed
As they hear the ringing of tolling bells
The Archduke of Hell has an answer
Telling all to enter the shadows

The Hells are neither safe nor fair
The burning, suffering, leather whips
Here only the evil dwell
For the lost their past is a cancer
The bodies covered in eulogy and black roses

But one samurai challenged the fear
He entered the dark realms alone
Wearing common armor and sword
Refusing worry, he acted swiftly

Ready when Oni appeared
He'd find victory or never return home
The demons attacked as a horde
The knight battled deftly

While this dark realm causes bitter tears
The samurai had come fulfilling Bushido
He accepted death as part of life and words
His will and sword were at once deadly

Finally the samurai cut through the terror
Closing his thoughts and raising his ego
The enemy was beaten, except for the guards
And shortly they'd be met, by one who acted directly

Upon the throne the ringmaster sat
Holding in chains the hostage
That the samurai sought to free

The samurai walked forth bravely
The enemy completed exhausted
Only innocent blood can be used to redeem

At once the Samurai jumped to throne's steps
And reached for the hostage to take her
The ringmaster stared coldly
For he had been tempted
To keep his prize
But decided that time would deliver
His ultimate goals

Between the Fear and the Madness

My enemy
Please don't tell me that you're sorry
You've never experienced regret
Your heart is empty and cold
A useless vacuum
For holding forgotten feelings
You tell stories
From a place
You could never know
Your heart is empty
You possess no soul
You sent me to hell
When you began the blaze
Burning a pyre
Of my flesh
For your pleasure
Caged me in a prison
Of my own madness
And broke me down
All the time
Death and sleep, my sole escape
What do you care
But for your own benefit
I may dance
With the death
Waiting for me
But you are the one
Complicit
With my agony

Shirley Ness, 1926-2012

People love telling you, it seems, how you will go on after a loved one passes.   Life will continue, they tell you it will just take time before you feel better.   But for those who loved my mother, life went on, during her torment from Alzheimer’s disease.   We watched as she went from a ball of energy, her will and energy never fleeting to someone quite different.   She was someone quite changed, not really who she was before being afflicted by the hellish disease.

She came from German stock, her parents were immigrants to the US, from Germany, through Canada.   Her parents were not wealthy, and during the Great Depression with four other siblings she was faced with lessons of living that only the traditional German work ethic  helped make less hungry.   Mom learned to deal with problems and stress by working,    Arbeit Macht Frei is a phrase in German that means Labor sets you free.    The expression comes from the title of a novel by German philologist Lorenz Diefenbach, Arbeit macht frei: Erzählung von Lorenz Diefenbach (1873), in which gamblers and cheats find the path to virtue through labor.

She lived Arbeit Macht Frei like no one else I know.   As a child I would wake up from not being able to sleep well, or having not been able to actually fall asleep, and would come down to find her ironing clothes, watching late night television, and she’d be up the next morning before dawn, to get the day ready for her family.   She did this all the time.    If labor sets you free, she was more free than anyone could be.

But it wasn’t simply her ethnic heritage, nor her growing up during the Great Depression that made her so able to focus her energies, and live upon little sleep.    She was driven to survive, first by dealing with achieving a life better than she’d grown up with.   Then to create a family, to be parents to children with her husband Donnie.   But while both my mom and father worked hard, and managed to make a life better than some, they were unable to conceive children, despite medical help.   They turned to adoption, and made a life for children who might not have had a life so good elsewhere.  And then, when my mother held my brother, then a baby, to her breast to comfort him, she noticed her nipple was sore.   Since the child was not birthed from her, she knew something was wrong.   She saw her doctor, and learned that she had breast cancer.   Immediately she feared not only the cancer, which in 1961 was still a mysterious disease, but she feared losing her precious gift, her newly adopted child.   It wasn’t an unfounded fear, she was facing the unknown.

She beat cancer.   And then it returned.   And when it returned she had adopted, with Donnie, her second child, me.   She worried that she’d die, but again that she would lose her adopted children.   She beat cancer again, this time losing not only her breast but her lymph nodes.

She beat cancer.   She beat poverty.   She did so through will.   She was a tough German facing a challenge, a sort of combat, and she beat it through superior will.

Whatever memories people have of my mother, they remember her for her energy, for her constant motion and her will.   She loved life, dancing, and coffee.   She was hard to deal with sometimes, she was stubborn, but her heart is why she was stubborn.  She refused to lose.  

So now in her memory, when all I want is to not exist without her, I am going to do what she taught me, refuse to lose, and go on.   It isn’t what I want.   It is what she’d want.   And that is enough for me.

Into the gray we walk

Into the gray we walk
Without a touch of regret
Only souvenirs
Linger
For when we forget
Why bother to keep
What doesn't matter
The waking call it life
The sleeping seek peace
Into the gray the pace quickens
While thoughts scatter
Images fade
The living we lived for
Live another day
And we keep walking
The dreams unspoken
The choices untaken
No more tears
No more hearts breaking
Only the sounds
Of children laughing
The ocean tides rising
The wind through the trees
And the mourners walking
On the broken ground

Dawn

The edge of light
Showing
The mist parts the veil
Of night
Pitch black
Crowds the sky
Of color
But for the stars
Life is fading
Memories are scars
Darkness reigned
And held me
In firm embrace
My hope was gone
But the day will come
A golden dawn
A promise
Because there is more
Than the darkness
That dwells
Surrounds and fills
I have no choice
But to live
To wait upon the day
For sorrow does not feed me
While my grieving
Is without relent
There is a promise
That redeems
The coming day will be good
The days that follow better
Because I cannot hope
Upon sorrow
I will hope upon life
And tomorrow

Burning tears

Hollow from the pain
Staring into the emptiness
The world heaves in sorrow
The fires of eternity burn
Until there is nothing left
My soul is afire
With the tears
That leave me silent
Watching the scavengers
Feed upon my flesh
My corpse barely cold
Before the fetid feast is begun
Nothing can tame
Their hunger
And my body is now bare
Bones to dry
In the sun

I Can't

I've prayed for days
Upon my knees in solemn faith
Forgoing all that might sustain me
Trying to forestall what is to come
The inexorable march never ends
From dawn to dusk, day to night
Time passes
Only to stop by capricious whim of fate
I can't take your hand  and draw you away
From this place to a better place
No matter my tears, offerings and sacrifices
Because the inevitable cannot be stopped
The end will happen
The end is already begun
No matter my sorrow
No matter how I grieve
For things never said
Things never done
That all leave me
Undone

Plague Take Us

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

Who are we to delay 
This end
Our final inevitable fall
Who are we to pray
End this suffering
Lord hear our call
The children dance in a ring

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

Lord in heaven
We are crying
We are dying
Please
End this living torment

Every ounce of sorrow
Of each moment of time
Begs our forgiveness
From the Divine

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

We call
We call
As our plague takes us down
We sing
We sing
The children sing their song

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

Then we dance in circles
Hoping to survive
But the dance we do
Only wastes our time
As we pursue
All those things we don't need
Yes we will pursue them

Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down

We become lost indeed
We've surrendered
Our souls begin to bleed
We forget all we've learned
There is nothing to remember
We engage the curse
From the world we've earned
With our hearts of stone
The plague will harvest us
It runs through our veins
Without our ability to atone
We've eaten all the fruits
From our own planted bitter seeds
And we've been left to our own

Like Silk Feels

She moves like silk feels
Against my skin
Her voice calls me
Awake from the dead
The scent of her hair
Of her being
Drives me mad
Not in lust
But for a person so
Rare
She appears before me
Riding an astral wind
The wind blows through me
I lose control
She is unique
Yes, beautiful
Perfect
I fall to my knees and pray
That she never leaves
My thoughts
My soul

Shattered Empire

Once we rode before the highest king
Were the holders of the holy fire
We carried the Derafsh Kaviani
The banner of the emperor
And the royal house
Of the Sassanian Empire
Formerly we were the elite
Now we are remnants
Scattered across the land
Still loyal to the Emperor
Without an empire
We eat upon the run
Ride at night, hide during the day
The collapse of the empire
Separates us from our kin
Fleeing the invaders
While fighting to survive attacks
From the enemy outside
And from wounds within
We no longer fight for a country
For an empire or emperor
We fight for our lives
Against the innumerable tribes
Of the crescent star
We could never return
After al - Qadisiyyah
All that was left was taken
All that was home was gone
Never to rise again
So we ride

Life Alive

You move like air through the wind
You are fluid in dance
Before me
I can barely draw breath
You tempt me forward
Into your hands
And I am freed
You are beautiful
Like no one else
And I believe
First I  stare
Then I gaze into your eyes
You are unique
A spirit being
Captured in flesh
My heart beats
My soul sings
You are here and
This is not a dream
You dance before me
And I watch in awe
For you are stunning
For you are life
Alive

I found a different treasure

In 637 Anno Domini
After the battle of al-Qādisiyyah
Destroyed the empire
There were few of us left
Leaderless but we survived
We lived off the land
Raided the enemy's supply lines
Attacked various units of their tribes
But although we were alive
The empire had died

We freed men taken slave
We killed countless enemies
We filled their bodies with arrows
We opposed the wave
Carrying the banner
Of Crescent and Star
We rode hidden trails
Became the ghosts that they feared
But the empire was dead
There was only the resistance
Given by the lost
For a cause that was gone

Coming upon an enormous tent
Of the enemy's
Heavily guarded
So we assumed it was a leader
And his treasures
Liberated from Sassanid hands
We surrounded it
Shot the guards full of arrows
We entered the tent when done
To find a different kind of treasure
Pleasure slaves of all races
The word in their language for it was Haraam
Forbidden
But it was forbidden only to some

I was disappointed not to find
Some fearful leader
With his guilty hands
But I saw someone there
And could not avert my eyes
She did not disguise her gaze
I was blind
For she looked through me
My armor made no defense
And she said take me from here please
I couldn't deny her

I've been her's ever since