Beautiful yes, but Dangerous

Tempted by her allure and the coal black night's cloak
Speaking words of silk, her scent was pure ambrosia
I thought such a dream, I couldn't gaze into her eyes
Or I'd be lost as her slave, words trapped in my throat
I couldn't say a word, I imagined her anger as a nova
In fear I chose shadows to hide my retreat in disguise
Then I left the world around me, as it once had been
Dark, silent, and running with no desire to know when
I might be swallowed, and she'll finally spat me out
In my heart I'm small and I live a life of doubt
I've nothing she might want but I'd give her all

“L'amore? È una maledizione
che piomba addosso e resistere
è impossibile.” Dino Buzzati

A Dream Unachieved

The heights of our achievement, glories

Are lost within the debate of their worth

Have we created such a solipsistic world

We cannot understand why we should try

If another's joys are seen as stolen stories

We cannot empathize, we are the curse

In so doing, jealously hate another's rise 

Can we hunger so, for our own victories

Ignoring the need of others for the same

While we take credit, to pump our legacy

While refusing any amount of blame?
Do we bow before the God Mammon
Choosing to steal, selfishly gathering
Watching others fall, to our shame

Midnight Screams Waking

Midnight screams waking
The ink black night walls
Red eyes scurry for cover
Worse fears are unfading
My love is gone, she calls
The angry words smother
A new direction is taken
The thunder storm stalls
They cry for their mother
As she becomes forsaken
Her domain is fully scarred
The planet is burning still
Crashing lightning strikes
Leading to a world's fears
Of unrestrained violence
And the folly of all wars
But the next generation
Full of hubris and power
Youthful energy and bold
Will see violence as a tool
Wielded with wisdom
It is a sword, a weapon
And now is the hour
But to us, the old, broken
Power is held by fools
Who see the damage
Only when it happens
To them

Just by her scent

I had thought that I was alone
Yet I'd then caught her scent
Beautiful, hanging in the air
She had worn that fragrance
Before she had lost her life
Before my world changed
Forever after
She was unique, a radiance
Her gentle nature a dream
I was empty and estranged
Of all the joy she provided
I'd give anything to see her
Always with her exuberance
Brilliant, unique
I remember her, without lust
Only sorrow that I miss her
Forced to endlessly grieve
I lost my mind, and my soul
Lost my ability to ever trust
I've only time,  to reconsider
Whether I go on

“Deep in earth my love is lying
And I must weep alone.”
               Edgar Allan Poe

Lost Ones Speak to Me

Waving at those ghosts that stalk me
They are the fears that still haunt me
Departed shadows live but in memory
They make a quiet life an impossibility
I never left my home, my sacred ground
I remember those voices, the words
I remember their form and the sound
All the while I wonder, truly ponder
Does my mortal flesh belong here
When all the of the voices I hear
Instead come from the grey lands
Their silent home, the Isle of the Dead

"We are all but dust and shadow." Horace

A tragedy of many layers

A birth different than most, allowed to exist but only just so

She refused to name the child, refused to hold it to her chest

Her life was spent in isolation, her fears and flaws were home

Hiding from those who had wounded her, like all of the rest

They'd broken her being, treated her like meat, a true tragedy

For her, the world was composed of fire, pain, and darkness

But it also contained innocents who were chosen as sacrifice

Her dream had been to simply be, to be left alone, in safety

Her child was now in that same world, alone and vulnerable

Would he be able to do more than endure, just to live or die
In that moment she did more than that, she gave him life 

“The power of the harasser, the abuser, the rapist depends
above all on the silence of women.”    Ursula K. Le Guin

The Harvest Comes

The harvest in Autumn's final warm days
The works of Spring is realized in labors
A sun hangs lower over the fields in time
Glorious colors of leaves, a smokey haze
The Natural beauty so reflects our prayer
Earth's great painting comes as leaves die
And we watch but never perceive the truth
The old and young, the stale and the new
Equal in expression, in image so different
The seconds to pause lost, as we all forget
There's a world of wonder still, no regrets
A gift given, but given everyday it is lost
Beauty wasted on those ignorant to a cost
But Winter is sleeping, soon it will wake
And it will cover the world pure white

“Autumn is a second spring when every
leaf is a flower.”               Albert Camus

The Emptiness

Do you have an answer
When you have a cancer
Will you bother to ask
For the final date
For your final day
Survival is a truly bitter task
We've nothing but hope
In a world of broken trust
Of rampant hunger and lust
We've nothing inside
We fade into nothingness
And a darkness will cover
Despite the bright day's light
Shadows will stretch
An ink covering us all
With a remnant taste
Of a hollow darkness
With a need to be
Of what is meant to be
Existence is more than life
And knowing all
Is a pointless exercise
Until you cannot die
Knowledge is a knife
Used for dissection
A final purification
Are we an abomination
Is existence emptiness
What can we do
In the vacant days
The emotional starvation
Of waiting for the end
Of the life now rent
With nothing left to lose
With all choices removed
Nothing we can do
But wait

Perfect purity is possible if you turn your life into a line
of poetry written with a splash of blood. Yukio Mishima

THE POISONED MEMORIES

I read it, and see it
Then shiver in pain
My vigil fails, the tears flow
Remnant thoughts burning
Following the delayed impact
Have been tried by the court
To somehow be able to know
My mind still screams
My memories unredacted
The wages of life go on
All the memories grow
I can't ever forget
With each new attack
Damned by my PTSD
A poisoned memory
I keep dying too slow
And can't get away
Turning me inside out
Unable to stop the flow
I can't stop bleeding
Unable to speak
I can't whisper
Fists pound
Then I shout
Here comes the flood
A torrent of being
Memories explode
I've no solid ground
And I am lost in the waves
That never subside

“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the
glint of light on broken glass.”  Anton Chekhov

The Fear Can't Last

The drink had been poured as a fire inside burned
But cigarette smoke in the room made me sleepy
She had looked me in the eye, I had simply gazed
I thought she must hate me, she spoke differently
Self esteem falling while my fear had returned
I thought, weakly, I need to find a way to retreat
Time to flee, I couldn't survive, couldn't maintain
I had to let go of my grasp, this fear wouldn't last
It was time for me to allow myself to live again
I'm not perfect, and being flawed =existence

“We all are men, in our own natures frail,
and capable of our flesh; few are angels.”

                              William Shakespeare

Falling

I'm content, no regret, there is more to life than this
Stolen hopes, dreams turned nightmares, yet I exist
The broken and forsaken wait in line, each for a turn
To swim in the lake of fire, to smell their flesh burn
To heights of Heaven, climb above the atmosphere
Below is blue and green, the message from the seer
Life abundant was given to you, and it was wasted
Perfect planet, nearly unique, hung on cosmic fates
Destiny calls, destiny the answer, be all we can be
Awake, aware, alive without cancer, be redeemed
Dead man oh dead man, the end of flesh is calling
Dead man, oh dead man, into an abyss, I'm falling

"Every moment was a precious thing, having in
it the essence of finality.”   Daphne du Maurier

Dust and broken dreams

When I die is already known
I've nothing to do with the details
Nothing will remain but my bones
And the dust and broken dreams
I smile with no teeth, only pain
I smiled without light, insane
The future doesn't matter for me
As my crystal future shatters
Time to rise up and fly away
Time to enter the dark space
I've ink as thick as white Chablis
And I'll always remember
The hard realities
Don't resist the urge to surrender
There is nothing without peace
No such thing as lying or deceit
Wait for me, I can't breathe
I can't breathe, let me go
Where the rain falls softly
And the angelic voices echo
I see my way out
They will all rise, with a shout
The graves will be empty
And justice has its way
Leaving nothing in its wake
Not even doubt
I'll meet I AM
And become aware
My life didn't even leave a stain
There was so much unknown
The game was never fair
But in my favor
Call down the rain
Wash it all away

“It is sometimes an appropriate response
 to reality to go insane.”  Philip K. Dick

Take your pick

I can't breathe the air, smoke too thick
Can't see either, with no way forward
My heart's frozen inside and I'm dying
The lies I've spoken all make me sick
And the false prayers, hopes offered
I am unable to stand, but I'm trying
Steal my insecurities away, I've many
Too many, so just take your a pick
It won't change the facts, my last act
Dreams died, but still condemn me
And I have been waiting to be more
Than the bloody scar on the canvas
That you painted of my being

"Insecurity twists meanings and poisons trust.” Graham Greene

Hollow

I've been in rooms, when a loved one has died
I drove my car, slowly, at a fatal accident scene
The world keeps turning, even if I grieve loss
Bleeding continues, flesh dies from the inside
A gray sky overhead, the world appears surreal
As we stop and finally choose to count the cost
There is nothing in our hands, to stop the dying
No way to forever endure, without seeing an end
The dream was lost long ago, to live is to suffer
Throughout childhood, voices I heard were lying
Saying there is reason, purpose, a message sent
All there is, is birth, thanks to our blessed mother
The path goes on, but I have no desire to follow
Grieving of life and living, has left me hollow

Too Much

These are the times that I hate existence
I wasn't born only to be crushed by life
I wasn't saved from fire for this scorn
All my broken hearts and bleeding ink
Never allowing me to ever be more
Every being lived should thrive
I've nothing, my life is fading
With a body riddled with scars
My flesh is dying with every day
Passing time steals all hope away
Watching as my beloveds pass
The new dream will never last
Even knowing what is true
I don't want the life given
I don't want this at all
I want a silent mind
I want to be forgiven
I want start elsewhere
With a dream that is new

Alive in her Presence

When I see her eyes, hear her voice
When I taste her lips and we embrace
I'm renewed in soul and in my body
The rest of existence sounds like noise
She is the dream that I long to chase
My life becomes narrated by Pavarotti
In his song, and in electrical pulse
Every atom alive in my flesh
I am awake to her presence
I rise, alive and ready to love
She becomes my hope, and breath

She is my life and my death

I remember the madness

I remembered the madness, and remembered that you calmed me
The asylum so crowded, nothing to do but mumble and walk
I'll take my meds, as they take my esteem and tie me down
Saying I need a new mind, a new thinking, the new dream
I remembered you calmed me, I'd try somehow to get out
Days are long, nearly endless, they're filled with doubts
I question if this is reality or something else, my flaws
But you are real, I hear you call my name, it echoes
I long to answer it, if I could get out of this place
Run into your arms, into your sweet embrace
You saved me, I'll go wherever you go

The Future is Opaque

The ocean tides rise and fall, the cycle endless
As the desert wind causes sand dunes to form
Forests follows the seasons from life to death
Human life is not different, we begin new, wild
We end up old, crippled, broken, stepping slow
Time is the same for everyone, no one escapes
Why settle for less, than all that you deserve
The answer is found, in the one you serve
And why you endure a future so opaque
We must find a way to rise above fate
And find a way to fulfill destiny

Parasite

You drank in my words, breathed my air
Stole the thoughts from inside my mind
Left me broken, misshapen, forsaken
Still I long for you, need you, all the time
The wounds bleed still and it is so unfair
My dreams fade, flesh filled with decay
Even then, I long for you by the day
And I don't know why

The Journey is so long

The road isn't straight, nor paved
A curved path, a difficult journey
We walk endless steps, uncertain
The way is not clear, pain engraved
I stop for a breath, fear deters me
Can't go on forever with this burden
I can't survive the wages of time
I know that hope keeps you alive

It never worked that way for me
I'll have to find a way to believe
Because there is only sorrow
In the path I've taken
Without you near
Without you here

A Wind Blows Through Me

My brothers and sisters had fought an enormous war
The Great Patriotic conflict took lives, left wounded
Future left in ruins, oh we'd begun hungry and poor
An ideological clash, a worth of the systems disputed
Years in camps, for fighting when others surrendered
Our sacrifices for our lands wouldn't be remembered
As our old lives are now left far behind, we struggle
Labors and hunger, a wind blows through me
The rest of our wretched lives, waking up screaming
Forever after hungry, forever after cold, fearful

So many of us had suffered, so many had died
None of us ever wondered if it is was worth it
We only wondered if we would reach home
If our families were safe and whole
And if we'd ever reach an end to this journey
For we had been gone very long
And the thought of home was worthy

Saved

Love from a bright, beautiful woman saved me
As the birth of my son gave me my life's purpose
But I'm alive in the moment now for two reasons
I was not aborted, despite being a child of rape
My life was spared when my neck was broken
Random chances of living from the fall
I had survived, but my body was forsaken
Between all circumstance, chance and grace
Survived the dangerous moments of my life
Or perhaps, life survived me, long enough
So that love could heal me, make me ready
For the destination, enough left to live
For my life without strife and sorrow
Let me stand, let my aim be steady
Here I go

Farewell Sacred Shadows

The air is thick with smoke from the fires of the dead
The pyres are fierce, giving off a fatalistic bright light
War has ended, except for the memories that will live
The few survivors able to return are watching the burn
All the battles won, mean nothing to those lost to war
Nothing but sorrow was gained, nothing but bitter pain
Watch as the black smoke rise, sacred shadows of war
We've stared into the void and the nothing leaves scars
Humans have violence in our blood, we suffer for it
Written in the DNA, we cannot erase it or change it
Only suffer for it

Loyal to a dying Empire

Our unit was the most efficient of all the Empire's squadrons
We'd fought and won the war so easily, why are we still here
Here on a distant, sterile, dangerous but dead, broken planet
We wait for news from home, new wars or worse, revolution
For centuries our Empire suffered, auctioning off its access
To wealthy patrons of trading houses and military general
To gather power, wealth by entering an elite inner circle
Working class, the poor, the enslaved and servants ignored
But the traders, brokers, military leaders and opportunists
Wounded the empire, bleeding it, weakening it to decay
Our Empire ruled its quadrant of space, lasting centuries
If it was victim to new rulers of the universe, entropy
Despite many victories of war, the Empire was unprepared
For the peace following, stranding soldiers in war zones
Upon the planets and moons, many battles were fought
With vast mineral and natural resources exploited
Now would come the indiscreet darker tradesmen
We'd won a war, yet 2 years later couldn't find a way home
All of us were waiting, hoping, desperate to return
We'd defend our emperor as our oaths were sworn
But in our assigned exile zone, we received news
The Emperor was dead, slain by disgruntled wealthy men
Since he died upon the throne, having with no children
The Empire has collapsed in full, a full legacy lost
We'd fight, but it was gone, all hope was finished

The Destroyer Unleashed

Without even a moment of thought
The gloriously clothed emperor spoke
We will Unleash our destroyer and thus
Let all of this vile humanity then burn
For centuries our worlds were far apart
Our ambitions separated from the other
As the humans have acted in such violence
We ourselves won't survive or be unscathed
Due to the extremes of all of their actions
We cannot keep acting in good faith
Nor in good conscience allow this curse
Barking dogs of war be silent never again
The walls of the human cities will fall
As will the human species that they protect
The time has come, we've been waiting
They crossed the line, we'll destroy Earth
Removing their species from existence
Yes we had held our hand, until now
My children, we are forced to fight
So fight we shall, using all options
Unleash our destroyer, loose her tentacles
Come damnation, humanity beware
The spectacle of humanity, as it falls
We shall rise up, and assert our future
A future that is missing one species
The humans in particular

Outside of me

I didn't realize how great the impact of loss could be

It'd always sting, like a bite or more, but a mystery

I was so selfish and self driven, I never could see

The losses we suffer, and don't endure are direct
Through the myriad causes of pain, one we feel

Because life goes on, we forget, lose all memory

Perhaps life is a dream, and we are not alive

We choose to see the life left before us, the moment

I'm covered in tears, awash, a sorrow without relent

If we choose to feel every life lost, it'd be a torment

I can't go on, this darkness continues in the torrents

Didn't get an invitation to this life, agony ferments
I wonder if this were a test, if I'd survive
As I wait to see the reality that exists outside of me
I know all I've been is alive, I am the weed
Persisting despite my emptiness
Dying while people care less

“I said nothing for a time, just ran my fingertips along

the edge of the human-shaped emptiness that had been

left inside me.”

― Haruki Murakami

The Mirror Knows the Truth

I do not miss all the people who used to say
 With the lie, be yourself and they'll love you
Because I've always been my worst enemy
Looking in my mirror, to a reflection of hate
Please don't debate me, I'll tell you this truth
The one who'd know is one living the reality
The years suck away my youth and the hope
The tragedies of life, losing love and health
As the subject of the investigation, I do know
There's nothing left to live for, but my death
Not long thereafter, a eulogy will be spoken
A world forgets, moving on to the next loss
The body is not forever, it becomes broken
But I'll be gone and I already paid the cost
Without one regret, for all that time spent
No regret for the lost years, for the failures
I've no future, no past, time has no meaning
I was a stain upon your eternal canvas
Never meant to endure, nor could I thrive
It was a wonder how I even survived

A Flesh Quickening

In the bleeding, the ink is spilling
When I'm dreaming, mists chilling
Then the rising, with no disguising
This world with the flesh writhing
The end is calling and I'm listening
I've no way out, flesh quickening
Am I dying, I forget
The corporal body, was once ignored
As the warning signs were offered
Now nothing remains, save regret

“Woe, destruction, ruin, and decay; the worst is death
and death will have his day.” William Shakespeare

Goodbye

She kissed her son goodbye, he was going off to war
The empire had not played favorites with their youth
The scions of those wealthy and children of the poor
Chosen for their ability to carry arms, settle a dispute
The world was young at that time, burning at the core
A feeling most vibrant, convinced they knew the truth
But the wars left thousands dead, the wounded scarred
The mother's son never returned and without any proof
She'd then lingered in the empire's solemn sacred park
For families of honored dead, all now sacred shadows
Never to enjoy wine with dinner, or words with friends
The son's mother didn't heal, every offered word refused
For she couldn't bear the truth, that her child met an end
Upon birth she promised the greatest gods and ancestors
That she'd protect him forever, never let him meet doom
The desire to fight is natural, but so is the desire to love
A son wanted to protect his mother and empire's land
Forces of war don't build bridges, only cemetery walls
An end came for the mother, who had lingered in fear
That her son would return, missing her waiting for him
Her heart broken, refused to eat, fading with her tears
A world never learns peace, if it practices to make war
Leaving sons without lives and mothers without sons

The Final Day

A day after never more happened, fear of a catastrophe remains
As thunder and lightning announce a final fall of the black rain
The sky has cracked, at last a doorway to the heavens, opening
Souls forsaken and dreams destroyed, there is no homecoming
End of chapter and words, end of the story, the fatal reckoning
Heavens are calling, fate gathering shadows, each beckoning
The choice made, the future with the eternal or nothing at all
An end has come, no more vacillation, the King gave his call
Streams of souls passing, enter forever, or never more

“And starward drifts the stricken world,
Lone in unalterable gloom
Dead, with a universe for tomb,
Dark, and to vaster darkness whirled.”

                           George Sterling

Surrender

If I win the battle but lose the war
I've no hope, I've become sorrow
I haven't surrendered, but I will
Just waiting for the right moment
I lost the path, it left me scarred
Dream I might see tomorrow
As I leave the battle, I'm aware
I'm unable to move, I'm broken
But with no regret, I'll surrender
I'm hoping no one remembers
That everything's been my fault
And I can never ever rise again
It's over, should've never begun
Even by trying, the enemy won
Because I'm no warrior really
I am just an unimportant poet
Because words mean nothing
If no one listens in the present
And I refuse the torment
Of the life surrendered
Nobody remembered
And all dreams fade
Swiftly