Renew before you lose everything that matters

If we feel hollowed
Emptied by the loss
Never sorrow
Death is fleeting
And more will follow
Crying does not bring shame
Nor does knowing our fate
The world will live
Despite humans dying
The answer is cancer
And the question is why
Do we invite our decay
We are our own death
And blame others
When instead
With our death
We try to
Retaliate
We resist
Our nature
We deny
Our creator
Instead we offer
False treasures
Lives lived for pleasure
And foolishness
Passed off for
Wisdom
Find the path
Discover that
Eternity is a circle
Renew your soul
Learn the truth
Drink from the water
That is forever
Let your soul burn with fire
And not the embers

Clay and Spark I am

Brown and red mud
Confluence of life
Water and dirt
Mixing freely
Clay and spark
I am
Alive
The ocean water
And my blood
Both are alike
Teaming with salt
Over time I tried
Holding back the flood
Of existence
With one wall
When I fallI still love
I am still alive
I have to shout
Calling
Crying out
For help
I am crushed
But still I will exalt
The one who made me
From nothing
Nothing but an idea
And purpose
Because I am fragile
Impermanent
I praise the maker
The one who came from eternity
The hands of an architect
Who is without flaw
Who loves perfectly
Forever

Loneliness is a plague

Crushed and crying
Alone by my own hand
I would not settle
For just anything
And you refused to be
The one who'd be my only
Instead of me being lonely
Because I would rather
Have nothing
At all
Than not
Have you
Call me a fool
I'd rather be alone
Than be
Me with someone
Who isn't you
A plague
Of sorrow
Covers me
More
Than any
Blanket
Alone
Forever

A prophet's voice

I have seen the fires of eternity
Born of the guilt of society
For the children who died
Before their time
I have felt the heat of destiny
Forging the steel of the weapons
Burning with deception
This world
This universe
This fate of our existence
Is no less than earned
Worthy are we
Bring upon us now
The fires of reminiscence
Where we sit in the glow
Of our atomic bonfire
And nuclear snows

Bury Me

I think about the past and it wounds me
The present goes too fast
For me to really care
The future is not a promise and
I don't think that life is fair
Anyway
But it does not matter who I am
My life has shattered and still it flows
Whatever I do is dust
In the end
And I don't believe in ghosts
All I care about
Is my family
And friends
And cats
And world
All I want is that all 
Are happy and whole
Kept from harm
Alive in the light
Awake in their soul
For now though I am tired
And I must sleep
Until forever is over
Good night
Farewell
Bonne nuit

decide already

deicide
decide
suicide
I lied

I keep trying
but I still
want just to
be held
kept warm
and sleep
forever

the rain in my dreams
never stops
me
and there are no people
to hate me there
like in the waking
hating world

I can't decide
still crying
as I lay
upon a bed
of tears

why should I
bother to leave a note
other than
to let them know
I quit
and
I'll be gone
and
to celebrate
my passing

No calm only storm

The cemetery swallowed up
The bodies of the faithful
The floods came
Torrential rains
The graves were emptied
Amethyst skies
Following the hurricane
Calm centered peace
No one knows the pain
Of sacrifice without gain
Of giving flesh for hope
And now we are alone
No home for us
Only our path
Before us

Ghosts

“Stand still. The trees ahead and bush beside you are not lost.”
Albert Einstein

every step further into the gray
the ghost has walked into memory
no attempt to return to life
that journey is over, that way was empty
to walk still
to make a path
is the only option left
no remedy or sympathy
no cemetery or past

Duty

I believe that we are waiting
Alive in the flesh as a first act
Trained to be compassionate
Delivered into chaos as a task
We are flesh covered sparks
Given a chance
To perform loyal duty
For a King of the Universe
And to defend the wall
Until such time as we are called
To return
And the universe may burn
But we will be satisfied
To know the architect
Of forever

my warmest wish

It is there
in your arms
there is no harm
no pain
no storm
no worry
you heal me
with your beauty
and charms
love
soft
and gentle
allure
luxurious
kind
warm
so warm
that I never wish
to leave

Photo copyright Jonathan Ness 2015

Blinding me

Never free from the lure
Of oblivion
Disobedience can be deadly
You said never look directly
So I stared at the sun
Blinding me
This abandoned son
Deserved his abandonment
I longed to be free
The chains cut into my flesh
And I simply wished
To have a free breath
In the body
That was not a slave

Betrayed by Truth

God is my sovereign
His word is truth
Truth is his domain
And there live's my king
In that land
Where my king's castle stands
I do not live within its walls
But the truth rules
Who I am
An outcast because I fear the words
That scarred me
All my life I've known
Abandonment, fear and decay
There is one conceit
That I must be wanted
But I was not and
Was instead betrayed
I could not be wanted?
By at least one?
How could that not be?
That I am not and never was
Is a truth shatters my lie
I've fought hard to remain
Aware, awake and alive
But why bother to bleed
If every single drop is in vain
No one cares if should die
Why bother dying
If there is no one to mock me
As I fall
Deeper and deeper
In despair
Why not live the lie
That others have lived before me
I am worthy
And I should be proud
I am good enough
For all to love
Not just by one
But by everyone

lucky

burning inside with questions
answers don't fulfill me
go for a walk but still feel like shit
with the clouds pissing down rain
my tears mix well with it
so cold and determined
unhinged
insane
I can't go on
she gave up
she couldn't go on
and now
in this fog
my body is invisible
except to the pain
all I ever thought
was that
we belong together
but nothing remains
I give up too
nothing left to fix
as the rains turn to snow
I gave up crying, for coughing
who knows, maybe I'll get lucky
and start dying

Evidence, Proof, and Invitations

So many people demand proof.  All I can say is that life is proof.  Death is proof.  Every soul born to this earth, will die.  No one gets out alive.

As such, I no longer care about the facts. There is no such thing as evidence or truth that all agree upon.  Life does not bother with fair, only upon contempt.  That is, contempt for idealism, for hope. I am scorned and I am losing my mind.

It is decaying inside and out. There is nothing there except for my emptiness, left there after the trauma stole my thoughts.  I am hollow inside after having had a raped soul.  I was not a victim, but I did not give consent.

This world takes and does not give.  All along I have desired hope and peace while this world offers damnation, instead.  I exist, not live. I try but only survive.  I care while the world says die. Je regrette que je ne peux pas accepter l'invitation.

I am Hamlet, Who are You?

Please
Please stop
Don't go yet
Tomorrow never comes
If I die tonight
So let me say
I love you I love you
No I'm not insane
Yes I am crazy
Behind the bars
Captured and kept
They never let me out
They say I am
A danger
To myself or someone
Inside this asylum
They say I'll be ok
Some day they say
Someday
But I need to say
I love you
I love you
Before you go away
Let me out
Let me out
Let me out and
I won't say anything
To anyone
What were we
Talking about again?

Parched

The earth beneath my feet
cracked and broken
The earth was like my soul
My fears and dreams unspoken
And I waited to be drenched
With a water
To quench my thirst
But the rain never comes
Only the dust
And I am choking
Upon every word
I said
That I should never
Have
And will regret
Until I am
Dead

I am the ghost of my memory

They might cry for the lost

But I cry for the found

Who are never known

Still they pay 

Life's ultimate cost

Sorrow their loneliness

At the harvest

We know what we want

But are denied

Everytime

We ask

We beg

Like the ghost we are 

We haunt

The lives of the happy

Of the popular

Of those who mindlessly kill

Our emotional needs

And taunt us

Without any justice

We linger

Our voices echo 

Only in memory

Like the ancient dead
Never receiving their sleep

Being made to be an exhibit

Before the eyes of the modern

We are silent, we are quiet

Even as we cry

When all we want

Is to dream 

In the arms of our maker

Who knows exactly what we need

To fly

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”  Leonardo da Vinci

Never to be known, an enigma

I  failed
But I am not sorry
I was the enigma
The one they could
not explain
No matter how
hard they might
Desire to know
The two people who tried
Thought somehow I was lying
When my being wasn't answering
The questions that life would ask
when I
was falling into
the dark
falling
falling
further
I know
there is nothing inside me
to find
any
more
circles in the mist
with my arms
windmills
blindly waving
eyes closed
dreaming
I have fallen
But the darkness
is so quiet
I long to be asleep
with silence as my blanket
and the peace inside me
my bed

Loving a little ghost

quiet so quiet
she walked in the shadows
never making a sound
followed the light
in the hallowed memories
Of the night
laying in the holy ground
she would find
never speaking
never anything
but silent
so quiet
she loved warmth
wherever she could
find it
and she was like a ghost
a spirit, holding the past
in her tiny claws
black and silent
farewell
my little one
mon petit chat noir

Why do the wicked prosper

I can stare off into an endless sunset

Pondering the beauty of a million stars

And this one set upon a drape of sky

But then wonder hits me

Why are there so many lies

From false accusers

Why are there so many thieves

Of honor

From people who have nothing

Inside themselves

But jealousy towards another

Why are there so many hateful ones

Despite the bountiful harvest

They refuse their own share

And push yours from your mouth

Why?

Why do the wicked prosper, God?

Why do they do so without a sliver of guilt

When you rise up lord, do so with a shout

So that we may be waiting 

Because the wicked prosper

And it weaves emptiness

Into me

Into my being

No matter how we try

My belief in justice is seething

And I am waiting

Yes waiting

Not worth my birth

Barely more than life
Barely more than a curse
An insect or worse
All I have is my soul
My voice
And the consequences
Of every choice I've made
My flesh, my thoughts
And every time
I've spoken out loud
And that has been
Remembered
And made a memory
In the mind
Of another person
All I have is me
Nothing else
And this thought
That I have any worth
Is false
I have fucking fought
All of my battles
Without surrender
Without retreat
And now
Do I have any worth
I am a hollow
Faint, shadow
Upon the earth
Barely worth a thought
Barely worth my birth

I can't remember anything

Fleeting 
You are my only memory
That I hold on to
I miss you and you too
Fly my friends
Thank you for your company
As you go I am fading
Leaving me a shell
Of nothing left
I can't remember
Anything
Any more
Memories held
Can be a curse
But without any
I am kept from communion
With anyone I love
With anything I know

Feast Upon Me

Have your fill upon my red
I will only offer it once
My blood offers eternity
If you sup upon me
Otherwise in time
You will be dead
Taste
Taste my vintage
Drink drink
I am immortal
I am unable to die
And I offer this gift
To you
Utterly of free will
Let your mortal soul be kissed
And enter immortal status
With me
Enter the danse macabre with me
And dance
Macabre death dance with me
Twist
Dance
Sup
Bleed
And join me
In eternity
And we shall hunt
In the sorrows
Of the dark mists

Swallowed by the Hallowed Eve

I could die tonight

I might

Who really knows

Except the gate keepers

Of heaven

And of hell

Go weigh my heart

Go judge my soul

I don't have anything

Of value 

No attachments

No hope for endless pleasure

No leisurely king's mansions

No golden streets

For me

No treasures

I have no fears

No cancers

No questions

No answers

No forest fires

No fiery desert sands

No abject drought

No monsoon or jungle rain

Nothing that others desire

Not worrying

Not even about the end

The burning pyre 

Consuming my flesh

Nothing left

But two wings

Lifting higher

And reunion

Let the end

Begin

Dying For Now

It is coming
The day when he comes
With reaper and sack
To cull the living
And to remove the weak
Hallowed Eve of Sorrow
No more fear of the day
Called tomorrow
I am ready
In fact
I await
You can't see my pain
So I keep silent
Some call me insane
Because they fear
All they do
In life
Is fear
But I await the day
When I am shed
Of the cloak
Of flesh
And to draw a breath
Of eternity
Waking up
Shed of this skin
Shed of this world
And alive
ALIVE

Ever again

Seen too much
To ever look again
Done too much
To ever believe
In redemption
By my hand
I've no hope
For a future
Again

My brain is broken
I am hiding
The darkness covers
The silence smothers
My fears
My mind in pieces
I offer up a token prayer
To my good friend Jesus
Help me please
I can't escape
This endless maze
Of hateful pain
And they still give chase
My legs quit
But I can still crawl
Pull my body
Along the wall
Praying they won't
find me
here
amongst
the garbage
and the dead

Pour it out, drink of a new vintage

There is no shame
And nothing to gain
By remaining
The cup I offer is generous
Do not be remiss
There will be no more pain
It is time to be free
Your life has been lived
And now it is ready
Resistance has passed
The moment is here
My cup is offered
Take this
Your cup is dry
Your wineskin has cracked
Your life is ended
The vintage is dust
Poured out
No more
That wine has lost
All of its vitality
Its flavor and joy
I say to you drink
Taste
Taste of my cup
Taste of my lips
Take my hand
We will soar
To a place
Where new wine
Fills your cup
And never ends
Taste my kiss
Forever
Never surrender your moment
To despair
For the end
Is never the end
Unless you are soulless
Do not willingly enter the abyss
You have a choice
Drink of the cup
Drink

Remnant Life

Your flesh was covered with spices and oils, honey and wax, to survive the long journey.
Where are you now, and will you return?  Will you return?  Will you return?

dust
sand
modern pollens
Pollution
fear
hate
over population
death of hope
collapsed colonies of hives
nothing will go forward
but our scars upon the earth

Dragon slayers

There are tales from the past
That have been memorialized as legends
Of men encased in armor, shoving a lance
Into the gullet of a beast and killing it
In modernity we could never perceive
How killing an animal could be
Honorable, magnificent
No we judge the past, and by that we cheat
Because in modernity, there has never been
Wyrms that could fly
Serpents that could speak
Dragons that could fill the sky
With wings that could block the sun
But we can imagine defeat
And the fire breath that never can be extinguished
We have a word for that
It is called nuclear weapons
And when those are unleashed we will be finished

Intentions Motives and Comfort

I was told to look
She was there
And she stared
I hadn't noticed
Apparently
But why
Would I want to
She was there
I was here
And I was unmoved
Chained to the floor
By my ring
Not in slavery
But forged
By an oath
She gazed
She called
But I still
Did not notice
Because she was lovely
Because she was so kind
Why would I
I was safely home
Where my intentions
Were good
I was faithful inside
Instead of there
Where
I would float untethered
Unachored
With only fear
And lust to guide me
Instead of a promise
That would last
Forever
With a partner
Together
In perfect
Comfort
And sweet love
Beyond measure

Morals when you are alone

Prayers spoken
Knocking on a door
Dog's body is still moving
Bones broken
But you need to stop hoping
I didn't do it, but I am making certain
This ends now
Whether they put her out of her misery
Or care for her, it will be a burden
Upon their heart
And upon mine
I could have driven on
I could have looked away
But my heart would have known
And I don't forget that
I couldn't bear that shame
Whether others knew or not
I couldn't atone
In my darkness all alone
My heart would know
And remind me
Every time
I'd turn off the light
Close my eyes
And try to sleep
I'd remember
And then wonder
Why didn't I do
What I knew I should

Our Beloved Chains

We stand nude before our accusers
Ashamed for our many flaws
Our wrists chained with iron
So that we might not flee
But we never would
Should we have no chains
Nor if we could
We love our chains
We love the excuses
For our illusive reasoning
We lay claim to individualism
But fall in with the herd
We are foolish
To ever suggest
That we should be heard
What we think
Is the same
As everyone else
Until
We break these chains
Abandon the herd
Change our ways
And abandon forever
The comforts
Of conformity

Falling

Nothing stopping us

From falling further in

Gravity pulling thus

We are in the depths

Synchronous orbit

Of love's pull

It is perfect justice

It will pull us

Further

And further still

Hannes Bok

Inside our hearts the snow falls and never ends

Somewhere while we
Dance with Morpheus
And fend off the reach
Of the his children
Phobos and Deimos
We still rule
In a great city of our dreams
Where there are
No homeless people
Laying on park benches
In winter, somehow asleep
The perfect city
So clean, without flaw
There, even the snow falls
Pure white



















Though the streets should be dark
Slippery with grime
They too, are clear of
Despite the wheels spinning
And the sort of people
Who might pollute the ideal,
Of the flawless dream
That people are alive
Joyful
Filled with hope
And thankful
Instead of poor
Hungry and strung-out
Addicted to the latest drug
Using cardboard for blankets
Wear three pair of socks instead of shoes
Though the snow comes down
Freezing feet
And hope straight through

Home for the holidays

Come back
Come back
She said
Mourning wake
Wakeful morning
Eclipsed sun
Horizon black

My mind is blank
Nothing there
To keep me
Come back
She said
Come back
Thankless job
To bury your childhood
Come back
Come back
It calls
Come back
Come back
Goodbye
I never want to come home
Nor do they
Want me
To be
Home again
God no
All I have
All I am
Would be
Unraveled
All over
Unraveled
Naked spool
Naked sins
Naked before
My accusers

Just me

Just me
and no one else
sitting here
Might as well be
the one to confess
I am allergic to fear
And I fear everything
All of life makes me worry
Every breath makes me remember
I have one less breath before I die
I shiver in June like it is November
I see snow in the rain cloud skies
Every one drains me
Because they are so clever
And now
when there is nothing left
Trapped in a room with demons
I shiver
My body is just bones
And hunger
Nothing for me
To give to you
But my disguise
And who needs
Another mask to wear
In the daylight
Of the last night
Anyone will get

The Eternity Well

What use is a life if it can end

The soul is embedded in clay

A mass that is desicated

And fades away

Our life is a spark

Embedded

Within meat

The world around us

Offers no hope

But for the mysteries

That have no answers

Our existence

In the balance

All we can do

Is live to find

The source

And to draw

From the Eternity well

Quench our thirst

For living water

For a living soul

 “From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them, and that is eternity.”

 Edvard Munch

  “The Expulsion from Paradise is eternal in its principal aspect: this makes it irrevocable, and our living in this world inevitable, but the eternal nature of the process has the effect that not only could we remain forever in Paradise, but that we are currently there, whether we know it or not.”

Franz Kafka, The Zürau Aphorisms

“Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.”

 Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet 

“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in waking, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret. In snatches, they learn something of the wisdom which is of good, and more of the mere knowledge which is of evil.”

Edgar Allan Poe

“I am forever walking upon these shores,

Betwixt the sand and the foam,
The high tide will erase my food prints,
And the wind will blow away the foam,
But the sea and the shore will remain forever.”

Kahlil Gibran, Sand and Foam

“Elle est retrouvée!
Quoi? -l'Éternité.
C'est la mer allée
Avec le soleil.”

 Arthur Rimbaud, Une saison en enfer; Illuminations; et autres textes