Begging Please

On my knees
Begging
Stop teasing me please
I've given everything
And you
Took
Every
Offering
As if you were some God
Sacrificing my joy
For your pleasure
As if it were
Your treasure
I have been wounded
Sorely torn
In two
Into pieces
My hope muted
Bleeding
Ruined
Confused
I long only to sleep
But you keep offering more
And there is nothing there
For me

Torment twisting

The long road to insanity begins
When my dream becomes a nightmare
When my scream becomes silence
The voice in me dies
Darkness wins
And tragedy triumphs






















 

Upon an altar of unevened stone
I am laid down to be a sacrifice
When my life twists in agony
When my sleep turns to screams
I am undone by the fears
I am destroyed by the mania
I am alone
In corrupted memories
























Laid upon my exposed chest
A demon feasts upon my viscera
Ripping as he goes
Deeper
Deeper
Alone I fall deeper
Into a place of misery
Beyond the reach of help
I dance upon the borders
Of Hell

Our Master, Entropy

Entropy is our master

And ever to our folly

We contribute to its reign

Over us, over all humanity

Existence upon earth could never last

Principalities fall, chaos becomes us all

From the highest place to utter shame

We've fallen

At the end of our time 

When we have shed our flesh

Have given up all pretense to immortality

A grave wind shall blow through the land 

Unleashing bold storms with death

Our breath become an angry blast

And there will fall a rain

It shall fall, toxic, endless

When a doorway would appear

Answering every fear and banality

With hordes of demons flying

Dragons with steel wings

Radioactive breath and violent stings

Like clouds of locusts diving down

The end will come

The end of our day is done

We've only to ask for it to be

We've blotted out the sun

Ignored the one

Who could save us

Forgiven

Some people
Due to pride
Refuse to be
Forgiven
No matter the toll
No matter the time
The cost is inside
The wounds unhealed
I cannot hold a grudge
No matter the crime
I do not hold it against him
This is not a judgment
I am not holding trial
I am not a judge
I am not willing to be
Forever hostile
I can be hurt
I can be offended
But given time
I can heal
And move on
I spew no bile
I offer no wicked guile
I am only human
Licking my wounds
Moving forward
After having rested awhile
I will be ok
Forgiving him

Extending an olive branch if they'll take it.

A cancer inside reminds me

I barely escaped alive
And now I see I was wrong
To give my heart to you
Something in me died when you went away
I endured, I survived, but it is still there
A cancer inside, a tumor in my mind
Missing you, it isn't fair
You said you loved me
Then left
You said you'd be there
Then you were gone
I said I loved you
You laughed
You win, I know you've won
You never think of me
But you are always in my dreams
You never speak of me
When I can't even think
Without wondering where you are
It isn't fair
Because I want to die
And you've gone on
I just twist in pain
Au revoir
Farewell again
Goodbye

This World Dies

The world beneath our feet
Eventually dies
Facing forever
The confusion of eternus
The terminus point of time
Take my hand
I beg you to join me
We will get there
If we stand together
Reaching the promised land
I no longer need to dream
Knowing, I understand
Dreams aren't solely from sleep
Never give up the hope
That keeps you alive
There is nothing that can thrive
In the depths of my delirium
Except the hope
That keeps me breathing
Join me in eternity
Pure serenity
The end of time
Fields of grain
Endless
Ripe
Waiting for the harvest
By the master's hand

RISING AFTER FALLING

Rising
When all hope is falling
Standing, when you'd rather pass out
When the sounds are screaming
Your inner voices full of doubt
You might rather it's eternity calling
When you can't sleep for the dreaming

Rise, then
It is all you can do
Unless you are a slave
Or choose
Fading memories
And their false machinations
Against your fate

Rise
There is only resistance
In the face of the enemy
If your aim is true
To give in is a catastrophe

Rising, after falling
Even when the world is pushing you down

Rising again, even knowing that the pain is coming again
Even with your fear showing, it is your destiny
And no one can take it away

Rise
I am telling you rise, there is no choice
Rise
For the world needs to see
Someone who believes in something
Not giving up
Not living in misery

White Redemption

The trees were leafless
The winter had been long
I walked through the valley
The snow was deep, undisturbed
My path was new, my own
The wind harsh, sang its own song
I was just passing through
My footprints left behind
A memory of my path
Telling its own truths
My purpose was unrevealed
The singular way
Of the most unrighteous
Breaking the virgin crust of fallen snow
With dirty boots
Overhead a raven flew watching my progress
Above me it soared
As I walked through the white
Feeling my hopes falling
As I became exhausted
The way was my own
Never tread before
I was a sinful man
Alone
Upon the land, so cold and isolated
Walking where others had not ever walked,
Or even ever been
This frozen place was home
I could find my self but could I be redeemed
Could I find forgiveness in this land without a stain
My steps forever tarnished the ground
My path was found while the burning footsteps remained

Across Lavender Fields

Walk with me a while
Hold my hand as we
Cross the fields of lavender
Smile at me
Let me see you happy
I am redeemed with you
Again
Time stop now
Let this moment never end
But it won't
It marches forward
Relentlessly
No matter what we do
Time flees
And in the winds
Blow my years
Away
Into the wind our days are tossed
Every day more blows away
Our youth is a wine
Spilled the vintage lost
So hold my hand now
We may never get another chance
To dance together
In the fields of lavender
So beautiful and serene
Be with me
Forever
Be with me

Unwanted

Worse than accident
Not a mistake
Rather a crime
The purpose of love lost
In the screams of one's lust
Brutal power decided
The seed planted in anger
And never again could she trust
Because now she bore the cost
9 months of waiting
For the harvest of that crime
Ignored when it came out
And it grew in time
A bitter reaping
Of a horrible sowing
And a child born without love
Without knowing
Just innocent
Now sleeping
Never crying
Never dreaming
Waiting for the day
That he'd be wanted

Photo Source

No More Fear

No more fear
The hour is here
The breakout is begun
After a lifetime battle
Between darkness and light
My life has been
An endless trail
Sleeping with eyes open
Living without life
Screaming with my lips shut tight
The nightmare of waking
The forbidden hoping
I ran with legs that would not move
Alone in the fight
Because of the fear
I barely existed
So afraid to live
So afraid to fall
I've been commanded
To fear not
So to live I must go on
If I love I must live
I exist so I must forgive
And learn to fear not
Let me be free from the fear
Let me be redeemed
Of an unliving life
Give me strength
For the road ahead

Never Grieve the Flesh

I longed to hold her hand again
To tell her what she meant to me
But an angel interceded
And said
Never grieve the flesh that has passed
Grieve the love that was lost
Grieve the knowledge found
Grieve the memories cast aside
But not the flesh
For it will never last
Only the spirit is free
Only the spirit is eternal
And it will never die
Grieve a little
Even cry
But the spirit is free
And now it will fly
The flesh is a moment
The spirit is forever
So take my hand and try
To never grieve again




















Photo Source

Adams Memorial
modeled 1886-1891, cast 1969
Augustus Saint-Gaudens
Born: Dublin, Ireland 1848
Died: Cornish, New Hampshire 1907
Roman Bronze Works (Founder)
bronze
69 7/8 x 39 7/8 x 44 1/2 in. (177.4 x 101.4 x 112.9 cm.)
Smithsonian American Art Museum
Museum purchase
1970.11
Smithsonian American Art Museum

The Elves Dance

They dance
Beneath the ceiling of the sky and the rising stars
When the sun falls from the horizon
In the lands of the high King
In the between the world
Of man and faer
In the dusk and in the twilight
They dance

The high King calls on all
To be always joyful
But only the elves obey
And they dance
Celebrating life and lore
From the land of gray
Alive but entranced

They form a circle
A mist rises
No human eyes
Can understand what beauty they see
Before them
The elves know who they dance for
They know why they dance
They are filled with unbridled joy
For the King and all of his creation

Prophetic

Who I am is unimportant
I still have a voice
To speak
I have been made to seek
The truths that truly
Turn the planet
Instead of toxic poisons
That leave us frozen
In a coma
You cannot plan it
The truth strikes
When you are least prepared
Ready to avoid the choices
For it is the way
Of the one
Who called me
To walk
This journey
There is a truth that flows
I am broken
But through my being
Broken
I am made whole

I am begging you, my love

Exhaling
Never breathing
A crushing vacuum left by the air
Leaving lungs, leaving
My bones and mind reeling
From the abject pain
When you left, you left me emptied
Poor in almost everything
But rich in sorrow
I still believe
There is no question
No doubts
My heart only beats
My lungs only breathe
Not living, not quite dead
I only live
When you are in my life
Come back
I fall to my knees
And beg
My love
My love

My designs

Given over to my designs
My flesh leads me to places
That makes my soul cry
For to sup is good
To be a glutton is to sin
Give me my share
And nothing more
Or my soul
Becomes the whore
Slavish, and sluttish
My temptations and needs
Torn
I want
I need
I need need need need
Love
Nothing less
Nothing more

The Eternal Spring

Your footsteps disturb the silence
And I become aware of your presence
By all of my senses
The scent on the air
The electric pulse in my flesh
From the tug upon my heart
Your being tempting mine
Your soul to mine singing
I can taste your lips
From the last kiss we shared
In the depths of my soul's winter
You arouse in my soul eternal spring
And I long to be renewed
Again
And Again
And Again

Hoarfrost

Lungs burning from the cold
The deepest winter in the air
In an abandoned field
In the heart of nowhere
I glimpsed a scene
That defied the grip of despair

Photo Source Petr Kratochvil

Mount Zion

With my life's failures left aside
There is a place I am heading to
Mount Zion
My life has been one long journey
Up to the mountain's side
With hope for a better day
With a memory for the past sorrows
There is a place I seek
I have been climbing to my destination
Maybe I won't reach it tomorrow
But I still climb
I will reach the peak
At the end
And I must not relent
I tire, and slow down
But I will never stop
There is a place
I long to visit
Mount Zion

River Washed In Blood

Thukela River
Thukela River
Where the current flows
Still it empties the remains
Of the massacre of enemies
The deciding at Ndondakusuka
Of Cetshwayo's kingship
The losers cut down
The victors attacking the lost
Spears were washed in the blood
Impi raging aftermath
The victors knew no honor
The dead pushed in the water
Raising the level of the river
To a red flood
Leave no mothers to have more warriors
Leave no children to oppose this king
Just mix the blood and water
In unholy confluence
Until the river waters are thick as mud

Your accusations wound me not

Remember when you raised the question
Of why could I do what I did
I apologize for my mistakes
My transgressions
But I never ever did that thing
You blame on me
So go ahead with your inquisition
Go ahead and blame me for whatever you like
But I am honest and I never lied
About it
So your insistence that I was the one
Who broke you and wounded you
Fails to wound my conscience
But my denial is inconsequential
So long as you keep this bitter seed
Burning inside your heart
I am not perfect
I am flawed to the bone
But I can sleep and dream with no problems
My conscience does not bother me
I sleep deeply
But you have to live with the truth
That I never loved you
Nor gave you hope
I was never the one
And you blamed me for things
I'd never do
Nor would ever have done

My Elizabeth, My Angel

She is human
But could well have been an angel
Heaven sent
In the deepest hours of my suffering
She offered me solace and respite
My torment would have been unending
Without her care and charity
The endless fight
The sorrow of my flesh
Could have broken me
In this slight convalescence 
But for her love
She offered me her being
To comfort me during my throes
And I lingered in her presence
Gratefully supping
Upon her offerings
Bel amour
My love
Doorway to heaven
My beautiful love
You allowed me to deny
The end's beckon
And now I endure

Before Badon

Ambrosius Aurelianus was the war king
A man who accepted his fate
To defend Britainnia from the Saxons
And restore the banner of Rome
Over the island
And make the land safe
His father Vortigern was inconsolate
Having lost Essex and Sussex
And his other son
Ambrosius was the last hope
The Last Roman to some
To restore the land
And banner for the king
No one saw the flood approaching
The Anglo Saxon warriors hungered
But one stood against the flow
His sword and cavalry thundered
Across the land
And raised the banner
Until Arthur was born
And ready to lead
And make Britannia free

(Image Source credit)

We Fought For Our Lord, and Died by our Sword

Given a choice to surrender, or die
The Templar has not been given a choice
No Surrender
We have given our oath
We have defended our faith
We have spoken without our voice
But by our actions
So kill us with your arrows
Slay us with your lance
Our bodies will not die
For we are a body as one
We may fall
But our brothers will still come
We fight in unison
We may hold the banner while dying
But that banner is our code
Never surrender
Defend the faith
Know what is better
And live for the day
When our king returns
The only king
The one for whom our flesh will die
And it will be amazing

A Short explaination

I was asked about the meaning of some poems of mine about love, and lost love.   I am a poet, and I use the hurt and joys of my life to inform my work.   I am not speaking as me, Alex Ness, when I write about lost love, and perhaps not always writing as me, Alex Ness, when I write about someone I love.    The voice is that of the speaker of the work.

So for those keeping score:
I am in love with my wife Beth, and she is my only love, romantically speaking.

If you read that I've a broken heart, I might have one, or it might be fiction.   It isn't a good idea to explain every poem, because in the end, the universal emotions I express become limited should I explain them.

For the record also:
I love my son, more than anything in the world.
My two cats are angels in the guise of animals.

I have no money.  No one buys my work.
But I am rich for the love in my life.

The end.

Cast Down from the Sky

What becomes my world
Should it be cast from the sky
What becomes my eyes
Should I be driven blind
By the lack of compassion
By the lack of tears
Who am I to question my place
Amongst the world of lies
Fears and hate
Why should I try
It ill becomes my soul
To walk when I was born
To fly
So I am condemned
Now to crawl
And that is more than all
The tears gathered in one cup
For my place at the table
Of mankind

Sorrows

If there is sorrow in my heart
It is for the love I have not shared
If there is sorrow in my body
It is for the love I have lost
I am not aware
Of the life I've lived
Only that which passed before me
Only without a cost
Call my name
Lift me out of this pit
Call my name my God
And carry me from this place
I am not worthy
Of salvation
Only by grace can I be saved
I am not worthy
Of your mercy
But save me from the grave

I am Icarus

I have flown to the ceiling of the atmosphere
Only to have my wings fall off melting
And I have crashed to the sea
Life stealing
And am no longer able to fly
Only scream
In fear

Achilles is Cruel

Lithe and able

Elite of ability

Miniscule in humility

Achilles was as a lion

With attendant strength

And vanity

Hector met him outside of the gate

As they planned

Two lions met in combat

Only one survived and after the battle

Achilles pulled the slain body

Round the city of Troy

The city walls lined

With horror struck citizens

As he mocked their hero

Now struck down

Dragging him with his chariot

The legs and arms flailing about

Lifeless yet, moving

Like a puppet under a madman’s strings

Broken hearted children sing

Anthems to their hero

But as with life that betrayed him

There is nothing to be done

But to wait for death to end the scene

And restore hope some other way

“And overpowered by memory
Both men gave way to grief. Priam wept freely
For man - killing Hector, throbbing, crouching
Before Achilles' feet as Achilles wept himself,
Now for his father, now for Patroclus once again
And their sobbing rose and fell throughout the house.”

 ― Homer, The Iliad 

Forgive me for begging

I could keep asking
But you'd keep ignoring
And then you would tell me
There is too much pressure

I would have whispered I love you
But you refused to hear
Anytime I spoke

I would have told you I need you
But you'd turn in fear
Anytime I'd approach

I cannot reach you
I cannot find you
When you tell me
You are drowning
I worry
And don't want to appear
The beggar

Forgive me
I am unable
To make you
Understand
That I cannot deliver
Salvation
Or pleasure

So reach out for me
I will take your hand
Speak loudly or softly
I will listen
But I am alone
I am just a flawed man
And I cannot wait forever

HE WILL RAISE HIS BANNER

He is just a servant 
A knight in service to a king
For whom every kingdom serves
For there is no higher power
He lays his arms before the king
Bows before him in honor
Showing his absolute fidelity
The knight knows his role
And has played his part
The world a great stage and play
He gave his role his entire heart
Blood and honor
Soul and flesh
Nothing more can be given
Except for the things that cannot be taken
To live for one with every breath
To give every moment for the king
To live for one purpose
To give voice to hopeless
To give hope to the voiceless
To be the reason the King's anthems sing

I Fall To My Knees

I never asked why
Because I knew there was more
I left my home
For all my life
I knew that I
Was upon a quest
Trying to find you
Trying to find your throne
And now that I have
I fall to my knees before you
Giving you the best of my harvest
The greatest of my work, of what I own
My highest and greatest for you
I give you everything
And you called my name
But I am the one who received
Because you gave me
The unblemished lamb
His fleece
The purest
Whiter than snow
Because of you
I know truth
I know your name
I believe
For you alone are worthy
For you alone
Are worthy of my praise
You are my Lord

The Green

I used to believe that the earth was the answer
To the question: what is right and perfect
That humanity was a disease worse than cancer
Burning and destroying everything
And I sorrowed our actions
The beast of man, of humans
Our choices and our decay
But now I know
The earth is perfect
Not because of its own design
But because it was made
The trees sway like dancers
The birds and the animal calls
Are the cantors
In a church for just one
Who is truly perfect
The one without flaw
Who is self aware, and self created
Oh, so perfect, The creator

 I am sorry for my friends who are left of center politically, to my friend pagans, and atheists, I realize they'll think that I am purposefully insulting their beliefs. I am simply saying, I was worshiping the created, rather than the creator, something called idolatry, and I think that in doing that, I was wrong.   This is my public apology to my God for missing the point. I always heard in the thunder the voice of God, I found rapture in the glory in nature, yet I thought wow nature is great, instead thinking, God is speaking to me through nature. Since the cancer I face might take me from this earth, I wanted to right my wrong.   I have many but this is one I need to fix.

Lost in my ignorance

In her way she was never demure
Her body laid out almost poured
Across those black silk sheets
Her form was perfect, highlighted
Featured white skin, curves
Like the moon in twilight
Standing out in stark beauty
She was catlike, almost hearing her purr
She was never coy
Never one to stay quiet
Her voice was not loud but was heard
I would have given gems and rubies
Anything to hold her, to love her
She would have said yes
I said no, despite my urges
Time flashed by, even blurred
Never offered the chance again
A memory of it lingers
The consequence of a fetid, unhumble man
Remembering his ignorance
Of a beautiful offering untaken, is absurd

Nemo me lacrumis decoret dare neque fletu celebrare exequias volutabantur

They will dress nicely
To keep warm and to be respectful
And during the procession there
Some will be strong
keeping
a silent look upon their face

During the funeral some will cry
Because they see life as all there is
But they are wrong

Wasting those tears collected
in handkerchiefs made of finest cotton

There is more, I cannot show them
I am only human
I cannot tell them, words alone cannot transform
I only know from knowing
That leaves me torn

There are cemeteries all across the horizon
The land is filled with bones
The ravens and crows fly above
The sky is dotted

But when I die I will not be missed long
Because little in this world matters
Little in this world is remembered

Dead flesh passes quickly
Words are forgotten
The only way in which we matter
Are the way in which we love
The way in which we care

We are temporal, and made of dust
The spirit is eternal
The flesh will die
It is rotten
Which will you trust?

Art credit Henri Rivière

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.”   ― Sholem Asch

Should the Darkness Come

Should darkness come
I will be waiting
For the fall has
Begun
My heart
Fighting forever
Knows the name
Of the one
Who can save me
From the fire
From the madness
Inside my heart
He knows my name
He calls my name
And I walk
Like Lazarus
For I cannot die
Though my flesh will burn
And fall away

Dark Street by Petr Kratochvil

Dreamer's dreams

I dreamed that I was special
Building worlds from words
Laying foundations from emotions
Doing things no one else could do
A god among the men you see
It is true, I dreamed falsely
I fell when I finally woke
Looking upon the reality I live
Knowing a world I can't change
I was broken knowing
My words cannot affect a thing
So I dream
And do nothing but sleep
I dream falsely dreaming things
I dream a dreamer's dreams
I dream, I dream

Ecstasy's Garden is lost

I have walked in the winter winds
Sought solace and warmth
I begged for silence but have been crushed
By the cold and screams so loud
I have looked for you
But have only found
The empty places inside
Where lays my soul
So cold
More so than any December ground
Frozen it cries
The blood inside me doesn't move
The spirit decays
As my flesh flays
I have looked for you
But you are not here near me
Anywhere I might look
I do seek you
You no longer call my name
I cannot hear your voice
In the winter's haunting
My flesh fails
My spirit mourns
My mind reels
Nothing calms
My throes

Once I tasted of ecstasy's garden
Once I caught the aroma of her spice
Once I saw the most beautiful goddess
But now there is only woe

Without your voice I fade
Without your hand in mine
I cannot make my way
I have looked and have not found you
This winter betrays
Everything I am
Everything I long to be
Once I knew you
But now my hopes flee
I am desolate and frozen
To this earth bound place

Drink of my wine, and enter

The wasteland before us is vast
Untold millions are lost within
Eternal famine
The depth is untouched
My vein untapped
Blood flow is inexorable
The fear relentless
My sanity like a throat clutched
My will permanently wrapped
In a tomb immeasurable
Large and endless
The devastation of my soul
From the hunger
Of longing
Never ends
This is a journey
I have walked alone
There is in the distance
The horizon with a low hanging sun
I see the plains and land it shines above
Completely bare
Starved, dead, dying
For my soul is emptied
From despair
The sorrow within pour out
Until my cup
Is full
Of a wine so rare
Drink of it
And enter oblivion
With me
And my wine
And cup
And enter my lair

Into Never

I was told that love was forever
And then you left
My heart was crushed
My soul bereft
And I never knew these nights were so very long
What is forever
I thought we were meant to be together
Never passing a day without each other
But I was wrong
And my heart isn't strong
Enough to last
Without you here
Next to me
I miss you now forever
I know we cannot be
Again you and me
But I know
When I hear your voice
Catch your scent upon the air
See you in the glimpse
I'll fade away into never
Because I believed in
Forever
Forever