The Tumor

I set my self on path to betterment
My soul was empty and needed to be filled
With love or hope or something inside
More than this emptiness deepening

I inhaled fire like an exorcist
After a lifetime yet I remained unfulfilled
The years crashed upon my shores like high tide
I was cold to the call of awakening

I broke under the strain of time
And decided I could not have any more
My life was my sole possession
And it was broken to its core

Attachments and chains created bonds
I have nothing to offer and only tears
I have needs that go far beyond
Bitterness ruined my memory of the years

I lost my name
Spent sacrificing for the future
I earned my shame
No glory only now a cancerous tumor

Decide before tasting

I was never told that I had to decide
Before I tasted of the offerings
I was told I had to know before hand
Because one taste was too much to have
But then I found that suicide
And that led me to such suffering
I realized that it was fair to demand
A measure of commitment before I began
Dying
Living isn't enough
Without love
Living is suffering itself
If nothing is left
After the first run
Lying
Is to say
Everything ends well
Everything good is knowable
If I choose to slay
Me
I will end in hell
Well so be it
That is just the way
It will be

“So he tasted the deep pain that is reserved only for 
the strong, just as he had tasted for a little while the 
deep happiness.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, All the Sad Young Men

Sacred Ground is Found

Sacred ground is found
In the gentle smiles
Of those who
Cannot afford to hope
Upon a new tomorrow
Tears are holiness
To the broken
Deepest beauty is truly
Found in the hearts
Of those who
Have nothing to show
For lives spent in sorrow
We are the loneliest
With pain unspoken

“We are all walking a thin line between the sacred and 
the ordinary.  The two are never far from each other, and 
sometimes they are the same”  R.J. Blizzard

Despair yourself of any hope

Despair of any hope
As the darkness arrives
Be afraid and surrender
You are about to join the hive 
Deep in the black depths of space
An enormous armada of vessels approach
Humans sadly unaware of the armada's proximity
Soon where a blue planet lives, will be a wasteland
It is as if Hell has opened her gates
An overlord desires these humans to bear his yoke
To expand his domain, and to demonstrate his tyranny
Capturing every species able to work in the fatherland

The Harvest

When working down the row
Harvest is begun
The seed thick upon the stalk
Cut down and taken
Like a hunter who culls
Let me be taken
Full of seed and ready
Let this day be done

“If you are too lazy to plow, then you should never expect a harvest.”  Proverb 20:4

White Rose

She lived in a moment
Perfect
Without a stain
No regret
Never to be forgotten
Never forsaken
Beautiful
Like a white rose
Given in innocence
And love
Without any blemish
And she never left
Her dreams were limitless
And she never let them go

apathy kills more than cancer

Screaming pleas
to the everlasting
do not result
in answers
I watched as a cancer
grew and overwhelmed the body
but it wasn't the disease
that killed
but apathy

Spider weaves a tapestry web

I live
and love
I give and
I have forgiven
but I now watch
as a spider spins
a thin fabric of words
telling the story in threads
of a tapestry that is hidden
in the shadows of a life
breaking a heart into thirds
captured by intricate webs
woven by a soul forbidden
by the lightning strikes
each hitting
savagely

whore

tears aren't sorrow
nor is pain the violation
I have no tomorrow
I beg damnation
With my thoughts
Earn it by my acts
And there is nothing
No nothing
God knows every feather
Upon the smallest sparrow
Where am I
And how can I be saved
Nothing left inside
My soul enslaved
Nothing left to live for
Unless I am some kind of whore
And I am not
No, I am not

Insincere

Insincere best wishes
Temporary declarations
False hopes for justice
Sweet things most vicious
Smiles & forced castrations
Off limit beauty so luscious
They all wear me out
And wear my soul pale
Birth epic doubts
Destroy the holiest grail
Remove my fears
Let me feel joy
Remove the veil
Wipe the tears
Fuck being glib or coy
I want real
I long for clarity
And true feelings

We are the resistance

The enemy wanted to bury us
Wanted to destroy our work
Instead we became seeds of justice
And birthed a new network
Devoted to truth
Knowing the path
Giving us a compass
To become the resistance
Able to outlast
The enemy
High and mighty
And filled with deceit
We might be outcasts
But we are able
Energized
To rise above
To live in honor
To redeem with love
We will rise
We will become
More powerful than before
We will be made whole
By our faith
And redeem our souls

Locked

My heart stopped that night
Freezing with the bitter cold
My soul died that's right
Without you to hold

You didn't deserve the pain
You never did anything wrong
You left and told me to remain
And since it has been so long

How can I go forward
When all I have is past
I can't escape being cornered
And invited a final repast

I loved you and never stopped
You were hurt from life and more
I was unable to pick your locks
And your wounds were sore

I would give you my life
I'd bear your pain and sorrow
I would give you my love
And every single tomorrow

I have nothing more than that
You are all I wanted
Since you left
My life is haunted

Please come back
Please come back

I can't change your past
but will love you forever
even if that won't last
I love you

The Fool's Parade

No that wasn't me
You could never see
I drank it down
Far too soon
I wasn't in costume
It was no epic play
I walked in the parade
To the end of the day
It was no charade
No masquerade
I meant to end it
Like no one else
Had ever ended it
I've never had top shelf
Hell I've never had coach
Let alone
So I wanted to walk to the place
No one else could see
As I broke down
Crying
Anywhere but home
Anywhere but here
My ideas aren't clear any more
About dying
I can't tell the future
Nor will I obfuscate
I pay no attention to the words
By those who forbade
To those who doom my flesh
To a place of endless shame
And I refuse to breath
A final breath
To please you
To hide
To go away
Far far far
Away
Ever again
I will remain
Until this fucking movie is done
Until eternity is begun

She beckons me to fall

Her form maddens my flesh
Her eyes and lips expose my shame
I lust her
Yes I want her
And I do not understand the burning
To love unrequited is death
She shows me no mercy, la dame
She flits about, she flirts
She causes me pain and to suffer
I am captive to this yearning
Despite my oaths
Despite my banner held for another
She is at once my longing
As well as my muse
Soon this lust will smother
I know my path is now crooked
And I must be renewed
But now I must have her
And I cannot have her
She is one I must risk everything to have
My heart bursts like thunder
And she rides away with a gentle giggle
I am lost to the woes of my longing for
Gwenhwyfar, yes glorious Jennifer
Queen and wife
Of my king

FOR MY KING

A Journey

After a lifetime of consequence
Knowing there is a price
For every opulence 
I sailed to the beyond the known lands
Drift in space while you linger
In awareness of the sacred and wise
Spent a lifetime with blood upon my hands
And I have tried to wash finger by finger
Standing in the awe of the undisguised
My eyes are open
I hunger for truth
Despite the cost
I still am hoping
To know what is good
To find something I have lost

You don't know how to

I bleed
Continuously
I cry
Shamelessly
You break me and don't know
Or understand my tears
You don't love me
And you cause all my fears
I don't know why that
You are so
Hurtful
Why you are so very
Cold
You seem to love to cause me
Grave pain
To despair
To fall into the darkest place
Without escape
Without kisses, affection
or even a soft embrace
You break me
You hurt me
You don't even know
How to come face to face
And tell me
All these things you feel
Obviously feel about
Not loving me

we must never forget

Why do we ignore the truth
Why do we forget the destruction
We pretend not to regret
Hatred of others was a seduction

"He who defends the Jew harms his own people."  Joseph Goebbels 

The liberators of the camps
Were horrified by the world they found
Millions upon millions destroyed
Their ash poured upon the ground

“Evil in the Third Reich had lost the quality by which most people recognize it—the quality of temptation."  Hannah Arendt

Denial is for the guilty
For those who wish it had gone their way
Denial is for the weak
For those who never stop their hate

“Monsters exist, but they are too few in number to be truly dangerous. More dangerous are the common men, the functionaries ready to believe and to act without asking questions.”  Primo Levi

But still the smoke billows
Still the dead are forsaken
The world ignores their fate
The sleeper to truth must awaken

“Here. Here I am.
You've taken everything from us, but not who we are! We still exist! One day grass will grow here and overgrow the ruins. Or day this will be forgotten. But you... No one will ever forget you! The shame of humanity.”
― Bruno Apitz, Nackt unter Wölfen 

A Moment Upon the stairs

He paused to say goodbye
As he was not able to stay
The king had called upon him
And his cavalry unit
To fight the invading force
On the southern islands
She could only utter a sigh
She couldn't meet his gaze
A heart breaking within
Both minds lucid
Aware of the threat of the invader Norse
This moment silent
As love needs no words

(painting by Frederic William Burton)

to dance in star's light

dancing in the star's light
in the meadows at midnight
she and her sisters are joyous
in the dark they lift their voices
nothing can remove their smiles
as princesses of the emerald isles
they float with such grace
they feel no shame
and they gloriously dance
they do not have human fates
nor human names
with lives of happiness
and romance

For My Beautiful Lady

For the last decade I've crossed the world
With only my horse and the path before me
As company
I rode, devoted to my quest
I rode

From the snows atop the Great Wall of the middle Kingdom

To the jungles of the Angkor Wat temples

Was there ever a doubt that I'd follow

I wished only to dance with you to the sound of Pan's flute 

From every barbarian land to Rome's Imperium 

Your beauty is remembered from earth to the heavens

With grace and talents that would tempt Apollo

I have never paled in this righteous pursuit

The world is far too great 

To contain your majesty

And I will never end my quest

I refuse all demands of destiny or fate

My love for you is woven as a tapestry

And whatever the cost, I shall pass the test

everything and forever

You went and left me with everything
A child, a life and funeral choirs singing
Leaving this world you were smiling
A life spent well and inspiring
But your child and mine is wounded
My cries and screams are muted
This plague of sorrows pulls me down
While your spirit flees outbound
My grieving is become manifest
Now you are free and spiritually blessed

Wounds that Bleed

Evey moment passed is a mockery
Of the concept of time healing wounds
My mind is breaking in so many ways
Life grinds every person like metal in a factory
Some survive but few, and hope eludes
And the best of us fail, and no one gets to stay
So I try to recover
I try to restore my dreams
But despite forgiveness
Repentance and regret smother
And nothing happens but sleep
I fight the bitterness
But I live a life forsaken
By the fact that all of my future
By adulthood was erased
So I try
But it is hard
And this dance to be seen as something
When God knows I am neutered
By the wounds that bleed
Even still
Inside

“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What's left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.”
― Bertolt Brecht

FORGE: A personal statement about death and life

They ask
Always this talk of death
Why can't you just accept
That life is a known
And death could lead to hell
Or nothingness
Right?
Right?
I'd take oblivion
Even know if I were to be banished
To the darkest corners
Of Hell
I'd do so knowing
I did my best
And if I failed
It wasn't meant to be
Because I am comfortable with the thought
Lives are only wrought
And some don't have the same gifts
And talents to forge
I wrote from my soul
I gave from my heart
I offered my being
And that is all
There is nothing else to do
But wait til the maker
Says I am through
I can live with that
But not for too long
I just want finality
I want nothing more
To go so very wrong
And persistence?
It works both ways
Every single moment spent fighting the inevitable
Is a persistent effort
That wears our soul hollow
So accept what it is
Move and remember
Death at birth is begun
However slowly
Regret nothing
But do not hate the inevitable end
For there is nothing you can do
To slow it
Should it desire to come

“Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force but through persistence.” Ovid

Closing Time

Someone asked why my heart is always so sad
And there is nothing I can say to make their day
They want there to be a problem
That some miracle medicine can remove
They want me to be for their reasons
In a much better mood
But there are reasons
We have
The sufferers in darkness
There are thoughts that talk
That tell us to leave
There are reasons that you
Whatever I say would not believe
There are reasons for this
I promise
But I want to be gone
Because
I've lived in pain
I've lost dear friends
I don't want to slowly die
I don't want to face again
The death so slowly
That the love of life is absent
I can't live for others
And I can't for myself
Because I've had enough
And who knows if there is a limit
But there is not enough promise
No messages sent
That can make me believe
My presence will change
Any great question
Any great need
I am finished
So let me go
I am not fleeing this place
I just know
I am done
The sorrow is too great
I grieve the day
But there is no tomorrow
That can fix my past
And the pain will last
Far beyond anything
I care to see
Just let me be
Je suis fini
And lastly
What does it matter
That this crowded planet
Be one less body
To feed


“He did not care what the end would be, and in his lucid moments overvalued his indifference. The danger, when not seen, has the imperfect vagueness of human thought. The fear grows shadowy; and Imagination, the enemy of men, the father of all terrors, unstimulated, sinks to rest in the dullness of exhausted emotion.”
― Joseph Conrad, Lord Jim

Revelation of my brokenness

There is no concealment
My sorrow exposed, my grieving revealed
I am lost in the unveiling, my weakness prevails
I will never heal
I am not perfect
(Yes I know)
So long as the accuser is allowed to shout
Exposing all of my failings
Yes, please
Let me hear my very deeply kept secrets
The end awaits
And mocks my fears
And the relief upon seeing
It














“We look back on our life as a thing of broken pieces, because our mistakes and failures are always the first to strike us, and outweigh in our imagination what we have accomplished and attained.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Maxims and Reflections

Broken by the questions

My body screams for the absence of comfort
I surrender to the destiny of living without
Love
A puzzle of finding completion by the numbers
Erasure of every single burning doubt
Enough
But enough is never found
Because there is no sacred ground
Learning to love and being loved
Is not the same
And no one knows why
The search is begun
When there is just that one thing to know
And know I do, that I will forever seek
That answer
The question is like cancer
And I will never find a cure
Until my flesh is dead
And my spirit released
By a process so pure
It is only found
By belief
And I only pray
That I do not fall prey
And sacrifice my future
And sacrifice knowledge of the lamb
To the idolatrous treachery
Of longing to know the answers
More than longing to know
The I Am

Bitterness and rage

He used my forgiveness to escape
His own bitterness
And rage
I am not Jesus
I am flawed
And weak
But he used me to be
More than a mistake
Despised
Or a person thought so odd
He tried to kill my soul
By sucking it out
With his toxicity
And control
I am flawed
But I still know
When I am loved
Versus used
For the gifts I was given
No longer forsaken
I had hope then
But now only pain
Not rage
Only despair
That I'll ever live again
With love
And become so wounded
By every touch
Because I no longer
Can trust

Die already

I'd try to get medical assistance
But I know there is none
I am drugged to the fucking max
I persist
But existence
As it was begun
Isn't worth the effort
Life requires
So let me fade away
Disappear
Like you secretly desire
I don't deserve what was done
But that is the past
It is gone
Like I should be
From
Here

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
― Sally Brampton, Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression

The deeper truth of suicide

It isn't true that everyone who commits suicide wants to die
Some simply wish no longer to live
They wake up and realize that the days are endless
If there is no joy
They can't remember being happy
Only of the moments that scarred them
And made them cry
They became aware
That their memories are horror stories
Not the oft repeated suggestions
That memories equal happiness
They are broken and realize
Nothing that can happen in the future
Will ever fully erase the pain of the past

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”― Seneca