Never

I went to the doctor and picked out a surgery
So that I might change my face and personality
I was so tired of the world around me
And it of the false and foolish me
I would tear open my chest and give my heart
If you didn't mind an empty unworking model
I would give you my soul, if you didn't mind
A hollow shell of a cell
That never worked
Unless you desire to visit hell
I am empty
Staring into the sun
I've never known
The kiss of death
Nor that
Of life
Joy
Sorrow
Apathy
Grieve
All are part of being
Made of flesh
So why am I
Cold, unmoving
Stone and steel
Never blinking
Never seeing
The gates of eternity
Let alone
Feeling
The kiss
Of life
Or death

free to be in misery

I am free
leave me be
why do you wonder why
I wince upon the thought
of getting back to being
with you
how we fought
I never want that again
I want to be alone
miserable
unloved
haunted
without anyone
to say I
will never be the one
someone wants
leave me
let me be
miserable all by myself
you don't love me
so why do you want
more from me
than I can give
why do you suck
the breath from lungs
so I can't live
any longer
being with you
is so very wrong
it breaks me
go away
I want to be alone
forever
forever alone

stars in my eyes

I danced atop the nebula
Worlds fell while I pondered
Never thought I'd be burned
But you never think you will

I drank in the shine of enigmas
Despite being curious I never had to wander
Never had to leave home to be scorned
Don't need to leave to be unfulfilled

So many mysteries without solutions
So many people with broken hopes
No amount of dreams can change
The fears in our hearts

But I still dream

Even answers lead to confusion
Into asylums we are coaxed
Because to care is to be strange
Our dreams become perverse

But I still dream

I never gave this world my heart
Never asked for things it didn't have
I walked among the stars

As a result I have no more questions
And have more answers than when I began
If life is a game I am a simple chessman






My role is a pawn and life is the board
I know my place, purpose and plan
My faith in the master is restored

Álomban és szerelemben nincs lehetetlenség. "In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities" János Arany,

Abides

I haven't been able to think
You've been on my mind
Ever since
Its been forever since you asked
And time doesn't forgive
I haven't cried but I regret my mistake
You asked me if I loved you
I said No and I meant it
But I lied saying it
Despite my sincerity
There is a difference between
Loving someone
And wanting someone
I thought I knew the difference
Apparently I didn't
I guess sometimes lives collide
You can't control them
Not when
Not where
Love takes no prisoners
It just happens
It abides
Time goes on
Love fades
And when you realize
You've failed to speak the truth
It leaves you unsatisfied
Life leaves you hungry
Emptied
And you wish
You could replay
Your life over again

Unspoken

you said you don't care
so why do you bother
why do you wonder
upon my worry
why do you ask
why I break
I knew you'd discover
my version of chaos theory
was compiled of chance
and hate
Overwhelming me
Blocking out each window
To the world and beyond
Darkness
Calls
Like
Unto
Like
This broken heart spawned
By the lack of knowing
After so long
Called from the dark
I am alive
But broken
Filled with words
But unspoken

Told that it isn't alive

We are told that it isn't alive
We should feel no emotion
Over a piece of flesh
It is not the whole
Just a part of the puzzle
Disconnected Rejected 
Corpora mortuorum: et circumdabunt nos

Ecce vide corpora tam pulchram mortem pose

We choose the easy way
Not the hard
Because of the moment
An unwanted consequence
It was coincidence
Or a random chance
From an emotion or urge
Called passion
A pool of blood, a society's wrath
And we called it a different word
To avoid the responsibility
But it doesn't work
Like that
No
It does not work
Like that

I would dream

I lived a life without hope
For most of the time sensation less
My world was spinning without me
And I couldn't be made to care
Despite the tears
I was not a misanthrope
I was in a fog of fear
Some would pay attention 
Some would mock me
C'est la Guerre
And then I met one
Who made it ok
To be who I am
I could dream
By being loved
I could imagine things
That were forbidden
To my heart before
I could walk the desert
Above the winter fields soar
I could travel to the jungles
And be amazed by life
Instead of fear
I could lay upon
The ocean shore
Gently soaking the sun
Gently moved by the waves
Everything became better
By far and again
In the end because of her
I could wake and be
Alive in Elysium holding her hand
And that is right by me

Memories of the dance

Upon the ridge of the canyon
A watcher stood
Waiting for a sign
Nigh oblivion
Below him
A gathering was beginning 
Well hidden from the horizon
With fires bright and smoke rising
Sounds from below so mesmerizing 
There was singing, dancing, praising
Of all the gifts of creation
The canyon floor seemed to be moving
As when the bison were one with the land
Though they'd been gone
For dozens of generations
Slaughtered by hunters and soldiers
To starve the indigene
The damned
Who stood
Before progress
Before destiny
Before the will
Of white men
Their consequence
Being forgotten
Ignored
Written out of history
But now
The sounds  The energy   The stars   The scent
Something was returning this night
Be it ghosts of the hunt or the hunted
The sounds below grew louder
The energy could not be contained
And the watcher was unable
To stop from staring
As the warriors of the past
Responded to the most glorious ghost dance
Where the dead ancestors would rise
And bring the new age with them
Bodies exhausted
Dancers seeking
The passage opening
At last
At last
What a time
To be alive
Offerings of hope
For a renewal
Dancing for change
Restoration
Throw off impiety
With this Ghost dance entreaty

Fires of Heaven

Rain of fire
Pour down upon me
Clean my body
Of misery
When the days come
The red sky falls
I will be ready
I will be done
Burn me to ash
Let me cleaned
Of my desires
Let me be purified
Lift me upon the pyre
And light the match
Let me be
The sacrifice
The lamb
For the slaughter
Although I am not pure
Although I am flawed
My soul has fled
My body is ready
Azrael has given me
His kiss
I am willing
I am able
I will not resist
Take me now

Thirst

My love for you is a tapestry
Woven with golden silk
Hours spent creating
Caused me agony
But it was worth it
With every second of pain
I am fulfilled
Rich in detail and thread
I have been working
Assembling the portrait
Upon the canvas
And in my heart
In crimson red
I love you without shame
I am awake in your great love
You are my hope
And you inspire my hand
With every stitch
Every thread and needle
Crossed my heart
So very rich
In detail
I may in this life never
Solve the riddle
Of who you are
But a tree doesn't need to know
Water's composition
To know it thirsts
And I thirst for you
You are my vision
And your love
Breaks every single curse

Cross continent

I walked the path across the land
Chasing the dream that you were near
My body was weary, my faith was weak
From the length of time, from each failure
But I kept upon my path, without relent
There was nothing less I could do
I couldn't afford to lose you
From the far shores of Japan
Across the exotic mystery of China
I rode with warriors searching
Then I rode with a caravan
Across a frigid steppe
Avoiding the Mongols
Who ruled nearly all of the rest of Asia
My two companions were loyal
Through every single trial
The journey was grueling
I would have understood
Had they fled
But they never did
We sought shelter
And rest
But the test never ended
And we never stopped
My two squires had faith in me
It was that, that kept me afloat
At times when all I had to continue
Their faith was fuel
For the pain of the test
Was more than I could take
If I could not end the test
With you
At last we reached terminus
The end of the test
Upon crossing the highest mountains
In the caravans crossing the continent
I finally reached the Sassanian Empire
But I would not find contentment
Here I was
Where I had last seen you
Before my world burned
Where I completed my service
But now I gave in to despair
There would be no finding
The one who held my heart
I never found you
Never found those who stole
The harem of the king
I never found the woman
Who had eyes
That made me believe
In all of the Gods
In every heaven
No
I reached home
After the greatest search
Without reward
But for the knowledge
That I gave my best
I saw the world
I gave my word and it was good
And I did not break my honor

For the memory of a beautiful ghost
Whose memory guided me
Into a lifetime's journey

Lost

I fell down seven flights
Of stairs
I never knew where I was
I just kept on
Walking after I rose up
Because when you are lost
What does it matter the way
You go
In this masquerade
I walked without aid
No costume I wore
But that of a whore
I swam in her crimson skies
I broke her grotesque lies
And I never ever decided
If she was the one
To take me away
From the world of the flesh
Because I am a liar
And never know
Whether my heart or my mind
is the one going astray
I never know
if I am filled with rage
Or if I am just listening
to the idiots who say
I should be angry
about everything
That gets in their way

From Babylon to Oblivion

across your face
a wry smile landed
you laughed and said
my past is dead
let it burn
you left that place
never wanting to return
you burnt your bridges
to show the world
you meant
every word
and now you walk
alone and long
from dawn to dusk
the road goes far
all the way
to Babylon
Or Oblivion
just somewhere
far away
where no one
remembers
your name

unlove

as a child he never held my hand
he never wanted me
he had his own
never let it be said that I didn't notice
he wanted the one, not plural, not children
the shame he had for his having me
in his home
I couldn't change as a foetus
because he didn't foresee
who I would become
he just chose
to ignore
unlove
unwant
me

Everyone pays

I've been cast through time
And I've lost days
Seconds and hours mean nothing
I've been in a daze
Tomorrow holds no promise
Yesterday is gone
I stand in the darkness
Of a timeless shame
I am all alone
The world spins
But I stood still
And I have never
Moved from this place
I am alone in my misery
Alone I have no history
And I cannot escape
The ravages of time

Madness

I am truly breaking
And I've spent too long
Waiting
For help that will never arrive
Insanity has taken me
My hope is shattered
Everything is gone wrong
Shaking
I will never survive
This is not a dream
I can never wake up
From not sleeping
I can never dream
When my eyes are open
And I am aware
Of the world around me

Crushed

Crushed by the weight
of my indecision
Bruised by the cost
of every bad choice
The future sees me
forsaken at every corner
Without reason
Without a voice
Without honor
I cannot bear the burden any more
I can't bear the cost of the choices
Any more
Crushed and I am going to break
And I have no way
But dying
To escape

walk away

my dreams are dying
my screams are lying

so many false things
get into my
heart
so many
true things
reveal
themselves

no sweet serenade
no tender kid parades
balloons and street fairs
happy friendly neighbors
we share
fireworks and ice tea
beer and laughing
but no one is there

everyone is gone
far from home
it isn't fair
my heart can't take
any more
all alone

goodbye again
again
I miss you
but you are
so far away
gone again

my dreams dying
screaming
and lying
everything
no longer matters

Distant in my slumber

As a child
I walked everywhere
Regardless of the season
Or reason

The harsh wind bit fiercely
The cold spread throughout
My body was as a kite
Pushed severely
Into the sky

Winter was not my enemy
But it was stark
Allowing insight
In memory

Though oppressive cold doesn't break you
Surrounding you in a malaise
I shivered with discomfort
As I walked to my heartache
Distant in my slumber

Love is everything

It is the subject for which they sing
I've been told to believe
That love is everything
Omnia Vincit Amor
That it heals wounds
That it is heaven's door
And I can't live without it
But what about the people
Who have nothing
What about the hearts torn
What about those who are worn
From the battles of love
And refuse to fight
Any more
Love is beautiful
But the absence
The cost
Is a boulder crushing the life
From your frame
And you are left
Breathless
Love is everything
Both in the having
And the loss

Tigers and the Sun

For many people
Hope was far gone
Children grew up alone
With their parents torn
From their lives and forced
To fight and to flee
The years of battle were long
When the warriors of the sun
Had taken the land
Of the people of the Dragon
Bitter rivalries turned violent
When the Dragon showed weakness
And the Land of the Sun was ready
To devour all of the Dragon's holdings
To halt the avalanch
Of endless defeat
The Flying Tiger joined the fray
And the Sun and Tiger
Joined in battle
Over the land of the Dragon
Giving up life for honor
For thrill
For gold
The Tigers fought
And in the end
Their efforts wrought
Victory
Bloody
And fruitless
Victory

Wasting our finest vintage

We watch the funeral goers
Drive by
Taking their child
To the bone yard
And to remember
His life
We are tribes
Remembering the valor
But we waste it
We throw it away
As it cripples our heart
Without our knowing
Because it is a tragedy
Disguised as sacrifice
Our politicians
Have poured out
The wine
Our finest vintage
We are witness
That life is not the same
To anything we might have
Our children are unique
In potential
We have a command
A quest
It is our responsibility
To seek
All roads to bring them
To the highest place
Instead of offering them up
To be destroyed
For the princes of money
And the god Mammon
We enter the darkness
Lose our minds
And enter the void

We betray our children
With every war
That never ends
With every explosion
Upon the horizon
And ignore the scars
They at least reveal
That we've survived
Unlike our children
Who are gone
We've all lied
Told ourselves
The cause was right
But they are gone
And we are fools
They died
For oil
For the rich
For the powerful

broken glass

with my eyes no longer closed
my mouth no longer shut
I experience a different world
one that refuses to be fucked
reaching out my hand
pouring out my heart
because accepting the present
rather than burning it down
allows me to go on
I refuse to surrender
I can't begin again
to live among the ruins
this is my December
but however hard it is
I can never erase my memories
I've seen too much to do it over
I refuse to be judged again
and try to be acceptable
I refuse to begin
only to realize
I am in the pit again
doing it all over
that would simply be
insane

Crashing storm

Nature is ruthless
Along with serene
When it acts
By its whim
It requires no belief
You'll know when it has begun
The ground stands firm
The earth never moves
Solidly beneath my feet
Stands firm when the rain comes
But with the thunder crashing
The lightning ahead warns
The storm moves swiftly
The sky falls collapsing
The wave of rain and warm
Electric is the air
Lightning bolts fall
Fiercely
Pounding down
In a rhythm
Without a master hand
Drumming the tribal sound

How long

how long before we sing
the deserved songs of praise
how long before the day
never turns to night
how long before the king
returns our eyes in glorious gaze
before he removes all of our shame
and we become holy knights
To serve him
And his way

burnt to ashes

who are you to keep screaming at me
I am not yours to belittle and command
you once said we were a couple
but now there is only
arguments and demands
without any reward
or kindness
I have only memories of who you were
the person who I fell for is gone
and that failure burns to my core
loving you requires blindness
and for me to demur
even when you're wrong
and I can't any longer
not any longer

the dreamer dreamt

the dreamer dreamt
of a world dying
a people sleeping
awakened by crying
screaming and fleeing
running from the destruction
the bombs fell and war had begun
no one was going to be able to thrive
some could survive
some would last
alive but barely living
the sirens wail
not to warn us
but to tell us how we've failed
the dreams haunt the dreamer
how the future plays
upon his screen
is not in his control
how many wish the future
to be beautiful
are many
how many act to make it so
are few
so very few

Odin sends the shield maidens

From across the horizon
Sitting in his palace
Odin watches the world
From his throne
In high Asgard and Valhalla
Given the secrets of men
From Thought and Memory
The two ravens who are his friends
He knows the hearts of warriors
Fighting for their land
The villanous hearts, he sees too
The battles are ongoing
And many are damned
Not distinguishing
Between the good and evil
Death is generous
He'll take them all
Knowing as any warriors do
Death is around the corner
Each of them tries
To cheat the Valkyries
They are valorous
Still, many fall
They die regardless
And when they do
The glimmer they see
Just before the dying breath
Are the shield maidens sent
From above
Seeing the valkyries
Taking them home
Each mumbles a prayer
Calling to Odin
For grace and mercy
Or his fire in their veins

How dare I flee?

The rain falls
Calling me
Asking me
How dare you
Flee
Every frozen moment
Cast in time anew
It is, I confess
A world beyond my grasp
How dare I ask
Why
When the only reply
I can honestly utter
Is that I
am my own master
I misbehave
I am penalized
I suffer
Answering the fear inside
I feel
With only my primitive
Mind
I am understanding
Nothing
But my needs
My desires
My treasures
Are not liars
Only I am
I am
Only I am

Mazes

Remove my heart surgically
With love
Remove my viscera
With exquisite and expert mastery
Remove my brain
And all my hysteria
My soul remains
However shallow and empty
My body
A cavernous
Carnal depths
To explore
Is meat
For a great feast
With no soul
I am but a beast
In a world
Without purpose
The absurdity drives me
To utter madness
We are lost
From first to least
Nothing more
Nothing less
There is just a life
Lived for mazes
And tests
We are mice
Running
For cheese
We are not Theseus
Saving the Athenian youth