I refuse the Dead End

If this life ends I'd say I'm content
There is nothing I've held back
I walked a path that was not at all fun
If I had gone another way, I'd regret
But even if this life invited attacks
I refused the dead end of oblivion

Never Us

I was a Pole
I refused to stop
I kept fighting
You might not love me
You might not like me
You might never need me
But I persist
My life is a legacy alone
I created a history
Because I did not obey
I did not believe
What I was told would be
I stood up as one
Of many who stood against
I refused to lay down and die
Even if others committed suicide

We do not obey

We are the resistance
Watching others fail
My life cannot prevail
I wait for answers soon
Waiting for ultimate doom
What does it matter
It doesn't
Existence persists
The individual resists
There is nothing else

The Bleeding Walls

Some walls are meant to keep those within safe
Others are meant to keep the lesser men outside
Away from the elite within
But the highest walls
Bleed
Sins within the heart escape
The damage shatters all inside
Breaking free from my original sin
Deep perdition calls
Chained
To the walls
My fire is burning
My soul is black smoke and hollow
And the prison is the least of my sorrow
For the destination is the journey
And the path is the key
I will freeze before the gates
And burn within
Thirsty from the fire
Dirty from my sin

once in earnest

You asked
So here is the answer
Don't hate me for it
I only tried
Once in earnest
The other times
just moments of weakness
never fulfilling the act
to save me from
the screaming pain inside
I really should
Have just died
But I survived
and now
I have the same pains
But can't relieve them
And I have family
And I cannot leave them
But I am
Less afraid of living
And less interested
In dying
But my life
Can be said to be
A lie
Because
I write about how great
Life is
How life is important
And all the while
I am watching the clock
Ticking
Waiting
For the ferryman
I have coins in my pocket
For my eyes
I am ready
And I have been
For such a long
Long long time

What mothers tell us

What matters
What is good
Why not do what I feel
Why live for others
When the world shatters
When there is no truth
I still believe
I know there are others
Who need our help
So I do what must be done
Because now I know
I watched her live
I watched her sacrifice
I know what is good
I know what is good in life
Because of her

Redeemer

My lord, my redeemer
My joy, my redemption
There is nothing left but hope
Inside this cave
You lift me above the world
Of shadows
I am a spirit in a cavern
You give me power and strengthen
Lifting me, raising me high above
The world below

Oh Dark Friend

Why does it matter
What I think about you
Why do you even care
If there is something unknown in you
That there is something in you that you feel is new
Or a change
You said leave so I left
And I know the truth
All of my nights, all of my days
I know the ways you work
And the places you lurk
The shadows are your friend
But not mine
The light redeems
I live in the sunlight
I thrive where there is light
Oh my friend
You've reached the end
With me

They tell us to be quiet

They tell us to be quiet
But when we know the truth
It sits inside of us, burning
How can we be silent
Knowing how it burns
And learning
How I've been
I know I can't escape
This place has bars
Across the windows
And screams in the shadows
This series of shocks won't take
I know the difference
And refuse to know why I should give in

Love is

Funny, no matter how I try
with you
I want to commit suicide
And I know I
Can't be untrue
And yet
I know
I love you
The truth is
No matter what I think
There are scars
I am broken
Together
Or apart
So I wonder why
We are together
But for you
And my thoughts
About how I die

Unliving

I am not alive
Nor am I dead
I am aware of the moment
But unliving I do not participate
Death is a destination
Destiny and fate
Are my guides
And I refuse
To conform to the rest
I am not part of the hive
And I then have to starve
For an unliving
Undying voice
Is ignored
I refuse to shrive
I am willing to die
For the world has plenty
It doesn't need me
Ignore me at MY peril
Not its peril
I am the one
Who they consider to be
A dead branch
Considered sterile
For I do not obey
My life is ongoing
But ghost-like
And my voice
Fades
But echoes
In a language
Few understand
But it resonates in comrades
In their bones to the marrow

Needing

Told to go away
I did
But you called me later
Saying please come back
I am not the one to decide
And this feels like suicide
But I leave that to you
The choice is yours
Yours is the the perfect time
You know when you need me
To respond
I accept that
But waiting
Leaves me weak
And needing
Not knowing what to do

I have lost this battle

I was fine
Until you came
Into this place
Where I am
I thought why
Was I meant to suffer
Subire tormentum tempore
If I never met you
Would I have ever known
What it felt like
To be hurt
From being
No one
Maledicam iudicia
The choices are torment
And I cannot choose
Accept my futile existence
Or fly from here
In my dreams
I offer no resistence
I have nothing 
With which to fight
I accept defete
I am finished
And I am grieved
Je suis fini

Hollow

I was a shadow
only
        yet
somehow
       I was a stain
Covering
you

You became
    horrified by my
hollow form
And
  rejected my pain

Breaking

Dear God
I am breaking
Doing the best I can
My dreams were over
Even before my life began
No matter what I hoped
I was a child
I never became a man
Waiting for a mother
A boy
Waiting for his dad
Never
Became what he wanted
Never
More than simply being sad
I know that
I have a lot more to be
Thankful for
But when tears are dry
From constant fall
Nothing to do
But scream
You eventually say
What's the use
And I do
And I know
What is the use
Of anything

You Got What you Wanted

Listening to FYC really makes it clear
I am no longer wondering
You left long ago
And refuse to ever again come near
I shouldn't wonder again
Why it seems I don't know
When the reality hits me
You left long ago
Long ago
And there is nothing here
For you to steal
For you to take and never give back
I love you
But never again no
Never ever again
If I can
If I can

Shadow dancer

As others pass into the shadows
I realize the pain of the truth
I stand alone, all alone
And I know well
Know one will ever love me
And I know the fucking truth
There is no home
Nowhere I want to be
Outside of the arms of you
And I can't have that
Nor will I ever

The Torture Cells are Full

Choirs sing
Funerary hymns 
Grieving our violence
But tears and sorrow
Oaths and good thoughts
Cannot return the lost
To our hearts
To our presence
We are ever mourning
Our foolish actions
We keep paying the toll
Of the ferryman's cost
We keep repeating
The same mistakes
Taking the same paths
Walking over corpses steaming
Freshly killed
We have no understanding
Our choices are awash
With demons laughing
Knowing they'll be busy
In the torture cells
Tonight

There it stands

What does it matter
The years that have fallen by
When dreams scatter
Who is responsible for my life
I was married one day there
And I thought I knew
All that might fall before me
But the truth?
Refuses to even know me

A Losing Game

I never understood regret
Maybe because I have no way of caring
My memory sucks
I can't remember
So I can't begin to forget
You keep track of my mistakes
As if I should be trying to become perfect
But I never cared to do that
You could never prove my intent
I simply exist
You've controlled me from the beginning
And now it plays out
In some fucked up game of roulette
Bet on black
Bet on red
I'll take all that is left
In between
It doesn't matter
I don't care to try
You control the stakes of the game
And I don't care to play
Pull the trigger
Roll the ball
Let it land
Anywhere
Why not let it land
On green

Angel with black wings

Have we been cursed

To be the bringer of death

Or are we blessed

And we shall survive

Forever

Are we the virus

Immune to our own sickness

We were born

To be the death of all others

A killer of all that lives

The sole survivor

Of all life on this planet

Are we the angel of death

Hovering black wings

Waiting to kiss

We do deliver

Bodies to the abyss

Were we just sent

To destroy and conquer

Have our energies gone

Entirely to destruction

Are we only trained to kill

All others who ponder

The meaning of life

Have we been cursed

Are we meant to steal the breath

Of everyone else that breathes

Are we meant to bring death

Humanity is cold

Fighting wars

Causing famines

Allowing atrocities

Destroying homes

Leaving scars

Untamed and angry

Our souls refuse to find peace

How many times must I
ask to be relieved of this
How many times must I
wonder why I bother exist
I loved you for all I knew
I loved you as long as I lived
Just a kiss
Just a kiss
But if you have decided
There is nothing this time
I understand
I'll pack my bags
And go
But I can't agree
That my heart knows inside
That's the way it is
I know but
I exist
By loving you
Gets me through every day
I know it it is the full truth
Loving you
Is all I am
Doesn't matter a damn
If you believe me
I mean what I say

Goodbye

There is nothing wrong
We exist
Still, I can't save you
You can't save me
Death and Birth happen
We fill the inbetweens
With life and love
Some stay too long
Others glow so bright
And then they are gone
Ghosts haunt lives if they pass from
The memory of the ones
Who loved them in living days
So remember me
I loved you
Imperfect and flawed
But deeply

Run

For we were there
Selling our lives dear
Fighting for our shores
And our lands
The Persians are defeated
Go runner
Go tell the king
Run until your heart stops
You have news to share
Tell all the Greeks
That the Persians are beaten
And that there will be
Freedom for Greece
For every Greek
Run
Our life into our future
As a free people
Is begun

Softly Speaking My Name

Softly speaking my name
You called me from the grave
Offering me, unlimited life
In exchange for my time
You are God
I am not
My life is empty without you
My soul hungers for truth
I give you full control
I am nothing but a soul
Wearing a cloak of flesh
You saved me as I take my first breath
Into lungs that are finally free
Ever onward to be redeemed
Yours
Ever more

Ancient King of Egypt

Crossed his chest
Staff, orb and rod
The corpse of the king
Deserved to be preserved
For it housed the spirit
Of the future god
High above his people
He alone could be
Reborn in the heavens
Where he would battle Set
And his minions would devour
The enemy whole and full
Accompanied by his throne
His jewels and his fineries
He was laid there
Along with the objects
Of power
He was deposited
Deep in the ground
Covered by traps and walls
He would be safe
Until the hour
When eternity called
He would again be ascendant
Standing high above the land
He would exert his will
Standing upon an invisible tower
Telling the people his story
And how they could honor
The gods of the land
By their worship
Love of the land
And the Gods

Winter's breath

Trees shrouded by comforting white
Morning light
Cannot be extinguished
But my soul lingers
In sorrow of the fight
The proper prayer is lost in my mind
For I cannot distinguish
The words 
This beautiful moment disguises the fact
That this bitter December
Has been the coldest of my soul
Trying to forgive is the hardest of tasks
The crimes I can't bear to remember
But I offer this prayer to make me whole
Oh God
Please be merciful
Pour down the grace
I do not deserve
And let me live
Again


“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within
me there lay an invincible summer.”  Albert Camus  

I couldn't speak

Too many tears in my eyes
Obscured my vision and
I was blinded and I felt so
Meek
I looked down at my feet
And shuffled, stumbled
I couldn't speak
I was embarrassed
By my weakness
My heart couldn't be honest
And tell you the words
In my mouth and mind
Even though
They were there
Ready to be said
And now
They've pulled you down
From the cross
And they say you are dead
And the words
Are still inside me
And I can only
Beg you for forgiveness
Since you are gone
And I believe
I just wish I had said so
While you were still here
Wait
Was that you?
Oh my God
Or am I wrong
That it looked like you
My savior
That it looked
Like freedom

An end you desired

Je suis entré dans un domaine de la douleur

Since you left, I've missed your gaze, and demure

But I was not the one who broke our union

With the desire to be

Untrue

To you, I shared

All I was, everything I had

All I own, my heart declared

I would never be with another

You possessed my spirit and being

We entered communion

Our love was a chalice

We both drank from

A wine of the finest vintage

I never could have foreseen

How you would steal from one

Who would give you anything

From without and from within

My love is elaborate, extravagant

Your desire to be declared without sin

Your refusal to accept blame

Destroyed our love

My ability to trust

We can not enter reunion

You've destroyed the bonds

I will never return

In your chains like a slave

At your command

Under your thumb

It would be torture

Despite my love

And desire and crave

Yes I burn

But I am not willing

To suffer

Again

For your pleasure

The Truth Is

I get told all the time
I shouldn't still live in the past
As if my losses can ever be redeemed
Or my soul recovered
Still
Into the depth of Hell I've been cast

As for me, I will meet you, in Elysium

I called to you
Called to you
Soon I shall
Whence I die
This world will fade
And the end will come into view
The shadow world will not hold my soul
That land of sorrows will not be my fate
My family, my love, they will be with me
In Elysium
Now that I have aged
My memory dims
My legacy echoes
Only there in my dreams
Where I am still young
I have served
Until my days were sore
From being dragged
From campaign to another
My days are short
I care not about destiny
I marched from Rome to Germania
For my Emperor, my liege, my family
From the Gaul to Arabia
I did not march in vain
Through bloodied body
And grieving tears
We gave glory to the empire
From Britainnia to Dacia
I gave my blood, sweat and years
So that my family and land
All of the Empire's people
Could live free and safe
So now that I am tired
Join me in the end
In Elysium

Glorious Love, you give me courage

The journey has been so very long
The battle has gone on, and on
My wounds still bleed
The scars will never leave
And so many friends lost
Who I grieve yet
So if I fade away
  it won't be because I've lost my way
         You have been a beacon of light
Guiding me
Every moment
You are my inspiration to continue this fight
In this lifelong quest
It seems the enemies of my lord are endless
My journey has been painful
I didn't expect to be so exhausted
                     I never thought I could be so tired
And I feel like I will fail
So thank you
My love
You give so freely
For giving me heart
When the world had destroyed me
You are all I have
Even then, my heart fails
From the pain
From my endless torment
I've lost so many friends
This quest is so demanding
Thank you my love
Cher amour, votre beauté lève mon courage
Though the world tries
It can only damage 
The armor
But thanks to you
Never the spirit 
Held within

As the world spills over I remain

God I ask
How can we still not see
How can we still not see the need
For redemption
Catastrophes and disasters
Wars and degradation
Hatred and fires
Sorrow poured out
Yes, upon the innocent
And no one offers a hand
Decay and starvation
Avoidance and delay
Is there no one
To speak for the orphan
For the widow
For those desolate
For the truly desperate
If we truly believe
How do we not see
High above the world
I look below
And see the people of the land
So wounded
They cry,
We starve
We sorrow
We need
Each and every one of us
Where is the justice
Where is salvation
How can we live
In the shadow of damnation
My heart breaks for the broken
My prayers go out for the hopes unspoken
Of the souls who suffer
Waiting for the soul cleansing rain
And I remain
We children live upon the earth
Never offered to be hidden
Hidden from the curse
Only how to take
Every inch of sorrow
So now
In the face of sin
Bearing abject wickedness
And the brutal pain
The injustice is temporary
The curse will not last
I raise my voice
Stand and shout
I will stand
And still remain