They said we were the last of our generation

The nuclear wars stunted human civilization
The decay and filth spread to our DNA
Our societies suffered castration
Unable to create
Unable to survive
Sooner or later we would begin to sow salt
And plow it deep into the fields
Bless us Lord
Save us now
Damnation strikes
And death is the yield

I am moved by your holiness

Before you, my king
I am so very unworthy
There is nothing I can offer
That is in its smallest way
Or greatest
That can do you honor
But I am yours my Lord
Oh Lord, I am yours
And will be so
Forever almighty
Oh Lord only you call my soul
From sleep
You can wake my flesh
Your word is my keep
Your spirit my only breath
Oh Lord
I am yours
Forever and ever
Who was I made if not by your hand
Who am I if not moved by your word
Who should I be
If you ever leave me
I am here oh Lord to serve
And should I prove ready
I pray I am worthy to kneel
Before you
Before all that is true
I am yours
Completely my Lord
Let me die
And let my spirit renew
You are my king
Oh king almighty

Beautiful slaughter

War comes easy to us
We make excuses for it
And ask if it is just
Is it a necessary evil
Or do we simply desire
To burn villages, destroy lives
Lift our dead warriors on a pyre
We cannot escape our guilt
We've never found a way
To solve things without violence
Or pain

The Lion The Lamb Greece

2500 years ago
Greece became the front line
In a war
Between individualism
Against the tide of collectivism
And the power of the autarch
One man one vote survived
Over one man one kingdom
The concepts of modernity
Did not die
Because of the Greek courage
Because of Greek beliefs
And in modern times
2500 years later
The Western nations boil
In their identity crises
Who are they
What are they
And they view Greece
As a sacrificial lamb
To the god Mammon
And the appearance
Of the collective
European state

"Democracy arose from men's thinking that if they are equal in any respect, they are equal absolutely."  Aristotle (384 BC-322 BC) Greek philosopher. 

 “Evil is ancient, unchanging, and with us always. The more postmodern the West becomes — affluent, leisured, nursed on moral equivalence, utopian pacifism, and multicultural relativism — the more premodern the evil among us seems to arise in nihilistic response.”  Victor Davis Hanson

The King of the Broken and the Decayed

I am the King
Of the broken
Of the rot
Of those without hope
The flesh of the decayed
More deviant than Rome
Orgies are nothing
Compared to my being
Crimson banner
Crown of thorns
Throne of nails
Kingdom of bones
Empty promises
I am the king
Of the false
Of the lie
Of the betrayal
Of all things
That are good
Step out, my soul
From behind that veil
Stop hiding
Embrace my heart
Taste my fear
For once
For I am the one
Who will fail
If you do not save me
Redeem me, bring me
To the kingdom
That will make me whole
Let me breathe
Let me live
Heal my soul

Where my being has bled

I bleed, I do
Even if my own motives
You find to be bent
People have motives that are found
Not in entertainment or paying rent
A person is moved where they bleed
Don't measure my soul
On earnings or money spent
Life has pain and greed
They swirl and toss us about
In our lives debt compile
The world leads wherever we go
Without any doubt
I need money due to the world
There it is, the divide in total
Money is no reason worth dying for
But Love
I need love for every reason
That makes me whole
It is worth
My life
My body
Bone, blood and soul

“I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear; 
lips that cannot speak, than a heart that cannot love”  
Robert Tizon

They

They
Tried destroying me
To torture my soul
Tried to consume me
Whole
Tried to enter my mind
Change my thoughts
They failed
No need to bring the inquisitor
I'm not willing to lie
And less willing to be
Under another's control
I will answer if I must
I would say if asked to tell
I am the prison
I am the prisoner
I am the keeper
Of my own level of hell
No minister to the wounded
Simply a bad example
I am the greatest sinner
And every step I take
Leads me further
From the place I
Long to be
I long to be a virtuous man
Who is honorable
And just
To my deepest core
I long to be him
I am called to be him
I am meant to be
But am no longer
Able
Any more

Delivering Redemption

1987

She came delivering
Not packages, just hope
I tempted fate and took a walk
Leaving a fight with someone
I loved more than life
Shivering
My heart beat like mad
I saw her coming up the flight
Of my apartment after the fight
Earlier I had walked away
Quickly and I had left, angrily
We had a hard time listening
Slipping between
Screams and whispering
And tears
Even though I'd not been at fault
I was responsible for not being clear
Worse, I was not forgiving
Which led to no understanding
But she came after me
Seeking to make it right
I had miles to grow
Years to learn
Adulthood to enter
But she came to me
After I had left
And was the first person
Not to throw me out
Abandonment
With the trash


My wife was the person in my life who was the first one who ever gave me a chance to explain myself, to be forgiven, to be understood.  We all need to belong to something or someone.  I knew my heart was in the right place, in her hands.  Years later after years of journey, things are never easy, because life is not easy, but I refuse to surrender.  She is my love.

Crossed Arms

Can't move forward
To find deliverance 
Frozen in the moment
Tortured by the memory
Buried seeds of bitterness
Giving birth to sorrow
And a broken legacy
Of mankind's sleep
My heart seizes
Ignores my need to breathe
Entering deepest dreams
Tangled nightmarish
Prisons of flesh
Released
Enter coma
Never leave
Ignore the stains
The bloodstains
Hold me tight
Don't let go
Let me breathe
Air you've held
In your lungs
And let out again
Let me breathe
Only that
I melt
There

Rejected

As the day of mankind ends
We see now in the dying light
Of the descending sun
How we have failed
Suffer our youngest seed
For all of our foolishness
Laziness, lies and addictions
While you were laid there
We pounded every nail
Lifted you upon the pole
And we laughed
Told to simply breathe in
And absorb the wisdom
We exhaled
We mock our existence
With every act, every thought
Deviant unsurpassed
We end our final moments
Made whole by our dereliction
Unraveling what God has wrought
Bestial to the last
We refuse communion
And the final repast

Quia filius hominis corpus sepultum

Stay in my embrace

I love you
My dearest one
Ma cher amour
Drowning in life
I found myself
Mal de mer
Love is a place
More beautiful
Than anywhere
Stay in my embrace
My love is endless
Never fading
From view
Let me escape
A life of despair
Love is a place
I've only experienced
A single taste
And you are
The finest vintage
Under spice and savory baste
The most exquisite fare
You make my world
Awake with flavor
And joy

The Call to my own

The frozen snow glistens
As the moon rises
All the children beasts
Come out
From their lairs
They dance
They shout
So loudly I can't hear
My own kin above the din
So many out there, so few listen
I call to the ones I call my pack
But with the noise
Drowning my call
I try to let them follow
By the beats of my heart
There is a rhythm
And a trust
I know each
By their gaze
Their breath
Upon my neck
And their gait
And soon
We've gathered
Together
As our pack
We begin the hunt
Like it was our last
For the old days are gone
And the man races prosper
And we dwindle fast

“We have doomed the wolf not for what it is, but for what we
deliberately and mistakenly perceive it to be –the mythologized epitome
of a savage ruthless killer – which is, in reality, no more than a
reflected image of ourself.”  Farley Mowat



“And this is what happened, and this is why the caribou and the wolf are
one; for the caribou feeds the wolf, but it is the wolf that keeps the
caribou strong.”  Farley Mowat  Never Cry Wolf 

Renew before you lose everything that matters

If we feel hollowed
Emptied by the loss
Never sorrow
Death is fleeting
And more will follow
Crying does not bring shame
Nor does knowing our fate
The world will live
Despite humans dying
The answer is cancer
And the question is why
Do we invite our decay
We are our own death
And blame others
When instead
With our death
We try to
Retaliate
We resist
Our nature
We deny
Our creator
Instead we offer
False treasures
Lives lived for pleasure
And foolishness
Passed off for
Wisdom
Find the path
Discover that
Eternity is a circle
Renew your soul
Learn the truth
Drink from the water
That is forever
Let your soul burn with fire
And not the embers

Clay and Spark I am

Brown and red mud
Confluence of life
Water and dirt
Mixing freely
Clay and spark
I am
Alive
The ocean water
And my blood
Both are alike
Teaming with salt
Over time I tried
Holding back the flood
Of existence
With one wall
When I fallI still love
I am still alive
I have to shout
Calling
Crying out
For help
I am crushed
But still I will exalt
The one who made me
From nothing
Nothing but an idea
And purpose
Because I am fragile
Impermanent
I praise the maker
The one who came from eternity
The hands of an architect
Who is without flaw
Who loves perfectly
Forever

Loneliness is a plague

Crushed and crying
Alone by my own hand
I would not settle
For just anything
And you refused to be
The one who'd be my only
Instead of me being lonely
Because I would rather
Have nothing
At all
Than not
Have you
Call me a fool
I'd rather be alone
Than be
Me with someone
Who isn't you
A plague
Of sorrow
Covers me
More
Than any
Blanket
Alone
Forever

A prophet's voice

I have seen the fires of eternity
Born of the guilt of society
For the children who died
Before their time
I have felt the heat of destiny
Forging the steel of the weapons
Burning with deception
This world
This universe
This fate of our existence
Is no less than earned
Worthy are we
Bring upon us now
The fires of reminiscence
Where we sit in the glow
Of our atomic bonfire
And nuclear snows

Bury Me

I think about the past and it wounds me
The present goes too fast
For me to really care
The future is not a promise and
I don't think that life is fair
Anyway
But it does not matter who I am
My life has shattered and still it flows
Whatever I do is dust
In the end
And I don't believe in ghosts
All I care about
Is my family
And friends
And cats
And world
All I want is that all 
Are happy and whole
Kept from harm
Alive in the light
Awake in their soul
For now though I am tired
And I must sleep
Until forever is over
Good night
Farewell
Bonne nuit

decide already

deicide
decide
suicide
I lied

I keep trying
but I still
want just to
be held
kept warm
and sleep
forever

the rain in my dreams
never stops
me
and there are no people
to hate me there
like in the waking
hating world

I can't decide
still crying
as I lay
upon a bed
of tears

why should I
bother to leave a note
other than
to let them know
I quit
and
I'll be gone
and
to celebrate
my passing

No calm only storm

The cemetery swallowed up
The bodies of the faithful
The floods came
Torrential rains
The graves were emptied
Amethyst skies
Following the hurricane
Calm centered peace
No one knows the pain
Of sacrifice without gain
Of giving flesh for hope
And now we are alone
No home for us
Only our path
Before us

Ghosts

“Stand still. The trees ahead and bush beside you are not lost.”
Albert Einstein

every step further into the gray
the ghost has walked into memory
no attempt to return to life
that journey is over, that way was empty
to walk still
to make a path
is the only option left
no remedy or sympathy
no cemetery or past

Duty

I believe that we are waiting
Alive in the flesh as a first act
Trained to be compassionate
Delivered into chaos as a task
We are flesh covered sparks
Given a chance
To perform loyal duty
For a King of the Universe
And to defend the wall
Until such time as we are called
To return
And the universe may burn
But we will be satisfied
To know the architect
Of forever

my warmest wish

It is there
in your arms
there is no harm
no pain
no storm
no worry
you heal me
with your beauty
and charms
love
soft
and gentle
allure
luxurious
kind
warm
so warm
that I never wish
to leave

Photo copyright Jonathan Ness 2015

Blinding me

Never free from the lure
Of oblivion
Disobedience can be deadly
You said never look directly
So I stared at the sun
Blinding me
This abandoned son
Deserved his abandonment
I longed to be free
The chains cut into my flesh
And I simply wished
To have a free breath
In the body
That was not a slave

Betrayed by Truth

God is my sovereign
His word is truth
Truth is his domain
And there live's my king
In that land
Where my king's castle stands
I do not live within its walls
But the truth rules
Who I am
An outcast because I fear the words
That scarred me
All my life I've known
Abandonment, fear and decay
There is one conceit
That I must be wanted
But I was not and
Was instead betrayed
I could not be wanted?
By at least one?
How could that not be?
That I am not and never was
Is a truth shatters my lie
I've fought hard to remain
Aware, awake and alive
But why bother to bleed
If every single drop is in vain
No one cares if should die
Why bother dying
If there is no one to mock me
As I fall
Deeper and deeper
In despair
Why not live the lie
That others have lived before me
I am worthy
And I should be proud
I am good enough
For all to love
Not just by one
But by everyone

lucky

burning inside with questions
answers don't fulfill me
go for a walk but still feel like shit
with the clouds pissing down rain
my tears mix well with it
so cold and determined
unhinged
insane
I can't go on
she gave up
she couldn't go on
and now
in this fog
my body is invisible
except to the pain
all I ever thought
was that
we belong together
but nothing remains
I give up too
nothing left to fix
as the rains turn to snow
I gave up crying, for coughing
who knows, maybe I'll get lucky
and start dying

Evidence, Proof, and Invitations

So many people demand proof.  All I can say is that life is proof.  Death is proof.  Every soul born to this earth, will die.  No one gets out alive.

As such, I no longer care about the facts. There is no such thing as evidence or truth that all agree upon.  Life does not bother with fair, only upon contempt.  That is, contempt for idealism, for hope. I am scorned and I am losing my mind.

It is decaying inside and out. There is nothing there except for my emptiness, left there after the trauma stole my thoughts.  I am hollow inside after having had a raped soul.  I was not a victim, but I did not give consent.

This world takes and does not give.  All along I have desired hope and peace while this world offers damnation, instead.  I exist, not live. I try but only survive.  I care while the world says die. Je regrette que je ne peux pas accepter l'invitation.

I am Hamlet, Who are You?

Please
Please stop
Don't go yet
Tomorrow never comes
If I die tonight
So let me say
I love you I love you
No I'm not insane
Yes I am crazy
Behind the bars
Captured and kept
They never let me out
They say I am
A danger
To myself or someone
Inside this asylum
They say I'll be ok
Some day they say
Someday
But I need to say
I love you
I love you
Before you go away
Let me out
Let me out
Let me out and
I won't say anything
To anyone
What were we
Talking about again?

Parched

The earth beneath my feet
cracked and broken
The earth was like my soul
My fears and dreams unspoken
And I waited to be drenched
With a water
To quench my thirst
But the rain never comes
Only the dust
And I am choking
Upon every word
I said
That I should never
Have
And will regret
Until I am
Dead

I am the ghost of my memory

They might cry for the lost

But I cry for the found

Who are never known

Still they pay 

Life's ultimate cost

Sorrow their loneliness

At the harvest

We know what we want

But are denied

Everytime

We ask

We beg

Like the ghost we are 

We haunt

The lives of the happy

Of the popular

Of those who mindlessly kill

Our emotional needs

And taunt us

Without any justice

We linger

Our voices echo 

Only in memory

Like the ancient dead
Never receiving their sleep

Being made to be an exhibit

Before the eyes of the modern

We are silent, we are quiet

Even as we cry

When all we want

Is to dream 

In the arms of our maker

Who knows exactly what we need

To fly

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”  Leonardo da Vinci

Never to be known, an enigma

I  failed
But I am not sorry
I was the enigma
The one they could
not explain
No matter how
hard they might
Desire to know
The two people who tried
Thought somehow I was lying
When my being wasn't answering
The questions that life would ask
when I
was falling into
the dark
falling
falling
further
I know
there is nothing inside me
to find
any
more
circles in the mist
with my arms
windmills
blindly waving
eyes closed
dreaming
I have fallen
But the darkness
is so quiet
I long to be asleep
with silence as my blanket
and the peace inside me
my bed

Loving a little ghost

quiet so quiet
she walked in the shadows
never making a sound
followed the light
in the hallowed memories
Of the night
laying in the holy ground
she would find
never speaking
never anything
but silent
so quiet
she loved warmth
wherever she could
find it
and she was like a ghost
a spirit, holding the past
in her tiny claws
black and silent
farewell
my little one
mon petit chat noir

Why do the wicked prosper

I can stare off into an endless sunset

Pondering the beauty of a million stars

And this one set upon a drape of sky

But then wonder hits me

Why are there so many lies

From false accusers

Why are there so many thieves

Of honor

From people who have nothing

Inside themselves

But jealousy towards another

Why are there so many hateful ones

Despite the bountiful harvest

They refuse their own share

And push yours from your mouth

Why?

Why do the wicked prosper, God?

Why do they do so without a sliver of guilt

When you rise up lord, do so with a shout

So that we may be waiting 

Because the wicked prosper

And it weaves emptiness

Into me

Into my being

No matter how we try

My belief in justice is seething

And I am waiting

Yes waiting

Not worth my birth

Barely more than life
Barely more than a curse
An insect or worse
All I have is my soul
My voice
And the consequences
Of every choice I've made
My flesh, my thoughts
And every time
I've spoken out loud
And that has been
Remembered
And made a memory
In the mind
Of another person
All I have is me
Nothing else
And this thought
That I have any worth
Is false
I have fucking fought
All of my battles
Without surrender
Without retreat
And now
Do I have any worth
I am a hollow
Faint, shadow
Upon the earth
Barely worth a thought
Barely worth my birth

I can't remember anything

Fleeting 
You are my only memory
That I hold on to
I miss you and you too
Fly my friends
Thank you for your company
As you go I am fading
Leaving me a shell
Of nothing left
I can't remember
Anything
Any more
Memories held
Can be a curse
But without any
I am kept from communion
With anyone I love
With anything I know

Feast Upon Me

Have your fill upon my red
I will only offer it once
My blood offers eternity
If you sup upon me
Otherwise in time
You will be dead
Taste
Taste my vintage
Drink drink
I am immortal
I am unable to die
And I offer this gift
To you
Utterly of free will
Let your mortal soul be kissed
And enter immortal status
With me
Enter the danse macabre with me
And dance
Macabre death dance with me
Twist
Dance
Sup
Bleed
And join me
In eternity
And we shall hunt
In the sorrows
Of the dark mists