Update about things non-poetic and otherwise

Oscar Wilde — 
"Never regret thy fall,
O Icarus of the fearless flight
For the greatest tragedy of them all 
Is never to feel the burning light."

Hello again.  I am sorry for this text piece, I have a lot going on but I've received a fair number of inquiries so I thought I should respond.  Some people reading my work might wonder if I've gone through a new moral awakening.  I know a few people have actually asked...  The answer is no.  I just went through a period of dealing with people I consider to be highly even hyper judgmental and I no longer care what they think.  Also, I went through a period of introspection and left it believing that I should not hide my religious/spiritual view out of fear for some ugly spewing anus out there who thinks they have a cause to protest regarding my personal views.   So my work is unhindered by my fears of their commentary.

Some have asked if my cancer has returned.  That is, they perceive or believe that my new found return to religion is out of fear of death and a new love of God.  No, it has not returned.  I do have some health issues that are very hard to deal with, and, I am dealing with them as best I can.  They are not cancer.  I do not live with the fear of cancer, I should say.  Also, I do not fear death.  Death is a very permanent thing, I am not suggesting anyone shouldn't respect it, but,  I am content, I have a clear conscience despite my flaws, and anyone who needs an apology from me either has received it, or is dead.  I do not live with regrets.

Landscape with the Fall of Icarus --William Carlos Williams excerpt
'a splash quite unnoticed 
this was Icarus drowning'

I am exhausted.  I am in pain.  I've endured the criticism from friends who were never friends.  I've endured the commentary of hate from people who have ugly souls, and the ugly expanded outward to their outer being.  Life is not an easy thing, and everyone, no matter what they do, everyone has to endure those who attack for no reason.  So just remember, assholes have a purpose in life.  On our bodies the purpose is to vent gas and release poop.  In our social life the asshole functions to remind us that ugly people exist.

“To be beautiful, handsome, means that you possess a power which makes all smile upon and welcome you; that everybody is impressed in your favor and inclined to be of your opinion; that you have only to pass through a street or to show yourself at a balcony to make friends and to win mistresses from among those who look upon you. What a splendid, what a magnificent gift is that which spares you the need to be amiable in order to be loved, which relieves you of the need of being clever and ready to serve, which you must be if ugly, and enables you to dispense with the innumerable moral qualities which you must possess in order to make up for the lack of personal beauty.”  
 Theophile Gautier --- Mademoiselle de Maupin 

I can be reached at Alexanderness63 @ Gmail.com via email.
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Modern Day Cargo Cult
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The images and Icarus quotes I used are for the fact that I believe that you can get overwhelmed by the attention to hubris in life, or do what is real.  Not everyone wants real.  A person I know voted simply, he found out what his friends thought, and voted like them.  Another person came out of a film, told me he liked it.  A week later after he'd read the reviews and all his friendship group hated that same movie he said he  hated it, and had never ever said he liked it.  Be yourself, find your true nature and revel in it.  Be Icarus.  Fly high, take a chance.  The worst that can happen is that you might crash.  And if you do, you will still have died better than every single person who watched and shook their heads in disbelief.

Run like Prey in the Hunt!

That look in your eyes
You realize it
That vacant stare
Nothing but fear
You cannot disguise it
Never stop running
Not even to catch a breath
When you look
Over your shoulder
Don't bother to think
Stop worrying about the past
When your head lifts back
Catch a scent upon the wind

You wonder is it the Wild Hunt
Is it finally here for you?
After all this time
Has it finally found
Where you've run to?
You reconcile your fear
Telling yourself
I've been hunter
I've been prey
And I've run
Far from the hunt
Far from danger

But the Master of the Hunt
Tells his children
I have been salvation
I have been answered prayer
I am the Huntsman
The entire world is my lair
When I call your name
It does not matter at all
Who you are,
Or should you possess fame
I am the Huntmaster
That is true
But the Wild Hunt itself
Is the master
No matter how fleet
How agile, how lithe
How graceful
This prey might flee
The hunt will end
When the prey
Ends the race
By death
Its life renews
For its life
Begins again
And then
The hunt begins
Anew

















"If one bird foraging in a flock on the ground suddenly takes off, all other birds will take off immediately after, before they even know what's going on. The one who stays behind may be prey."
 
Frans de Waal

A Losing Battle

The land was wild and was sufficient
It was never tamed but it was wounded
It will be wild again
But first, perfection had to fall
Modern men came, and I fought them
I killed many
My people called me the Prophet's Son
Because my father was my memory
My prophecy
My mother was the land

I was raised by a people who knew the truth
The land and the people
Are one
And the land and the people
Will be wild
I never knew who I was supposed to be
Instead
I was just who I was to become
I never made war against the innocents
Just against those who stole the wild
From our land
Their war was to tame us
To tame the land
And I realized that
When finally they killed me
And my body was dead
I was covered in dust and scars
They shot my body
With their lead bullets
They carved my body
With their hunting knives
I died, my flesh was hollowed
Where I was laid my body
Was buried deep beneath the prairie
That used to be covered in beast
But my blood would soak the ground
My soul would baptise the land
Soon the end would come
And make it holy
My body would be gone
















In time they harvested them all
Laid rails and built towns
Ripped sod with iron
Opened ground
Planted wheat
Tamed seeds
For a new world
They called it home
Until the dust came
And covered them
Thicker than the beasts
Who so slowly roamed
Now bones alone
A paradise lost
To the false world
That promises
Nothing

But money to buy
Things that can be replaced
Unlike the land
The prairie planted
There my soul
Upon my rebirth
There I will be
Defending the wild

The Betrayer Amongst Us

To the one
Who does not care
Living a carnivorous
Cannibalistic existence
A life of indifference
Neither joy nor sorrows
Could measure the worth
The seeds of hope planted
Returns with a bitter harvest
How can one account
For such anger
But you don't care
So denounce the truth
Mock the faithful
Eat those
Who gave you hope
It doesn't matter
We've answered
All of our questions
While you scream
All of your accusations
But in time you'll fade
Or become a cancer

Questions

We will experience three great events
All of us
Who exist here
Birth, Life, and Death
In existence upon this planet
I've decided to ask questions
Do I exist only to pass from view
Or is my being transcendent
Am I a flesh being with a soul
Or am I a soul, wrapped in flesh
I know I am not an angel 
I am not from heaven because I fail
I do that many times in this life
It is called sin, and I do it a great deal
Je ne parviennent pas à tout
But beyond the number and ways
I do ask for forgiveness
I do repent and try to improve
Still, 
Was I sent here to live 
Or to experience pain, suffer and die?
Because so far, it has not been so good
I am not complaining
I realize others have it worse
But for all my troubles
All the things I do
All my misery
It often feels
Like I have been cursed
And if I have
I'd like to know
So that I do not cause
Others to suffer

Death and that Paradox

Although you've fled
Your spirit is gone
Your body remains
And to us you seem
To still be here
We still long
For your presence
We are selfish
We can never acquiesce
To the truth
That your life is done
There is a strange game
A paradox
Where even if you are now
In a far better place
We bitterly mourn
Because we are now alone
Without you

Is it because you are gone
Or we are not gone instead
We are the ones left behind
You outrageously are dead
You've fled
To someplace far away
We can't reach you
That is clear
We are hurt inside
And cannot choose
Selfishly
To keep you with us
Because we want you here
So pardon us
For being the ones
Who are left
Behind
To cry

Raise the Banner

To be a hero
Doesn't require muscles
Doesn't require danger
It only requires honor
And courage
And loving
Your neighbor
This world
Our nation
Crumbles
With every second
We ignore
The broken
The hurt
The wounded
So gaze
Into the eyes
Of a society
Built on lies
If we believe
Then we must
If we love
We must trust
We must carry
We must bring
Water to the thirsty
Hope to the hopeless
Voice to the voiceless
Choice to the choiceless
It is all we have to do
To bring the world to you
If one is wronged
We all are wronged
If one is cheated
We all are so
So then
We shall fight
The wrongs in this world
Together
Lift the banner
Above the burning clouds
Forever
And march into the fire
Carrying the burden
Of society's burning ire
It is time
Now or never
Live what we know
Or die silently
Damning all of them
To a permanent funeral
By our hand
By our refusal
It is time
To be
Who we are

Final Goodbye

Even in exile
I still prayed for you
Bones and flesh inside
Shaking in pain
It took the entire
Of my life
The solitude
Could be a bitter river
Of tears
But I still tried
You never saw him
You only wished to know
You had an inkling
But that was all
And yet
I was broken
And you made me walk
I was poor and you charged me
The other would not work
And you gave him my money
You didn't know me
Didn't want to
And if I miss you
It isn't from what you left behind
It was from
All I was missing inside
From the solitude
And exile
I survived
I prayed for you
And never heard
Until the last time
You spoke to me
But now I have mine
To still love
And give every moment
Every ounce
Every thought
Every deed
To him
Because you
Didn't give it to me
The chain was broken
But it began again
The ravens left the tower
But as soon as morning broke
They returned at the break
Of the dawn's earliest hour
You chose my solitude
And I am trying
To understand
But you died
Before we could
Figure each other out
So I am still
Left with the doubts
Ever child has
Without the time
Without the care
Without the hugs
When they aren't told
They are worth
Being loved

For the person who this is written to, who spent my life doing his best, but failing me until he helped my wife and I have our child.  And for my son, Jonathan, because he is my world.  And for my wife who gave my son.

This Long Journey

I've known
You were there
Conception to death
I have been aware
Of your presence
I cannot walk upon water
Following you
I have mal de mer
But I have kept walking
Intercession from my flesh
I offer unto your ear
I hope to escape
This abscess, this absence
I offer a prayer
Thus far unspoken
God I have walked
Until my feet have no skin
Until my being loses motion
But I refuse to allow sin
To keep me from you
But I am surely broken
I am close though
I can feel your touch
Soft upon my brow
And your whisper
Quiet upon my heart
I am near the end
Of this long journey
And only because
You have been with me
Have I endured

Absurdity in my heart

Being with you was so torturous to my soul
Although I loved you and gave you control
My dreams will always grieve for you
My dreams will always long for the truth
That you are the one I desire
You bring my heart its fire



Every moment without you I sorrow
Every day without you I grieve
You are the one I desire
You are the source of my soul's fire
You are why I believe
I am prepared, qui vive, for you

You told me that You loved me
Then you said that you were leaving
You told me that I was the one you love
But that you couldn't stop the bleeding
I am left behind without even a word
That can help me understand
Why or how or, ... this is so absurd

I Dream, I Seek, Because She is There

https://www.flickr.com/photos/16230215@N08/

Because of who she is
I seek her
Wherever she roams
Whether it is in the waking
Or the dreaming
For now she is in
The dreaming realm flying
Upon a winged steed

Or being worshiped
As the goddess she is
She flits about in forests
And dances upon
Ballroom floors of castles
Her merciful glory is what others seek

   In that realm of sleep

The beings who dwell there
So magical and amazing
They are fantastical

But already they acknowledge her

As being far greater

Than they are
Despite all of their celestial origins

She is their magnificent queen

Beautiful yes but more

She is their star

They orbit about her

Following and desiring to serve

She is the center of existence

I am not worthy 

But of course

I am moved

Whatever realm I am in

I seek her there

Because I long for her

And desire her

And wish to be

Fulfilled

She is a river

Of the purest water

And I am thirst

She is sleep 

And I am exhaustion

How I long for her

Like Clockwork

When the steady rain falls I experience comfort
My mind purrs, and the white noise is welcome
My maker created nature
Now nature is my redeemer and provides succor

And I am able to draw strength from it

I know nothing is without purpose, and place
I accept that I am part of the system, the machine
And I recognize how small I am, and easy to replace
Who am I? within the gears of this clockwork
I do not know,  I only know my name

My DNA is neither special, nor extraordinary
The world is made of meat, clay, and wind
Someday when I die I will become dust
And my shell will slowly be spread by the breeze
Why am I here?  Only to learn, to become, to be

Upon my death, and my becoming dust
I will drift, and land in every corner of the earth
Without prejudice float across the land
It doesn't matter any more then, where
I belong to two different realms
This one
And the other of my maker

The Kin in the Valley

 Part 1

Above the valley a green canopy, a covering of sorts
Below, a living world, a graceful land with foliage
Seemingly untouched by humans, or their kin, it was thick
Buzzing with life, within that land were a folk who thrived
This magnificent paradise, glorious and beautiful,
Without compare it was hidden from view, and alive
Everything there was new, uncorrupted
Nothing there decayed, nothing turned to rot
It was a joyful place where artisans, musicians, would seek
A legacy wrought
There, the kin had lived more than 30 generations
The language spoken by the folk was nuanced, unique
Separated from other human folk
They still pursued higher thought
The surrounding wildlife and foliage and folk
Formed a certain symbiotic bond
If not disturbed, the symbiotic link
Would never stop
And the kin would live in a world
Where the generations would follow
The same traditions
With the same joy
Without end

An Irish Warrior Queen

Her lineage was noble
From a family of leaders
She knew her kin was different
But she was curious, kind
And she crept into my heart
But I didn't realize
She was dangerous, even wild
She was neither tamed nor soft
But then she walked into my heart
And I had to have her at any cost
Flame red hair could not match
The fire inside passion of her ire
Her anger when stoked in battle
Her love when struck was fire
Her mind was bright and powerful
Her heart beat the warrior's drums
She wore a Queen's demeanor
And walked as if she owned a kingdom
From the first
I knew, I was unworthy of her
She became woven in my soul
And my heart had no defense
As she took complete control
  
^ROMANS-12:9  
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."

Whenever I write poems about love and how I love my wife, people say how lucky I am.  But while I might be, I write about what I hope, regarding my beloved.  I try to follow the verse I mention above, because, why believe the worst in people?  You move further in life hoping and believing in people than assuming bad things.  My wife is great, she is a warrior, an Irish Scots Canadian who gave me my son.  She has red hair, and was my best friend before she was the person who my heart realized was my future bride.  Not much about marriage is easy, but after 27 years (June 11, 1988) I hope we've had enough lessons in love to draw from to know how to go forward. 

A commentary upon life

Floating in the depths of space
Without aim or propulsion
My life
A vacuum of disgrace
With no intentions or plans
Life has been a disaster
Existence was a bitter taste
Left from false hopes and shame
Yes, existence left me shattered
Convinced that nothing mattered
I begged God to let me die:
To erase every last trace
Of my being
Because I am nothing
And never will be

Joining Danse, Mom Dancing in Heaven

I endured
My self inflicted torture
A peculiar torment
To my shame
Instead of living
I spent my life dreading the moment
When you would pass from this place
And in the end
I was not ready
And I could not have imagined the pain
Nothing could have prepared me
For the grieving
For the guilt of being
Left behind
Without you














 
Loving you
Not having you here
My heart is breaking
To this day
Every day
Nothing relieves me
Not even the belief
That redeems me
And now
My memory
Creates a ghost of you
And I am ever
Lingering
In the echo
Of your being
In my existence















My heart is stubborn
Sorrow filled
I've not yet accepted
Your passing
But God doesn't require
My acquiescence to his will
But I am in a place still
Where I neither live
Nor die
My will is stubborn
Cannot accept
Because I am
Missing the person
Who was my life
For so long

The smallest twist of the knife, Destiny

I don't believe in fate or destiny
I believe in doing what is
In your heart, what is right
And I knew I loved you
I did, it burned inside me relentlessly
You didn't
And needed to be convinced
I had to pursue
You needed to acquiesce
How could you know that it hurt
Like the rejection of every other in my life
The number?
Countless 
Maybe you knew best
Your initial rejection
Your reaction on target
But for me
A tragedy, comedy
With that, the smallest twist of the knife
Let me die God, just kill me
I begged God to redeem me
Of all my sorrows
But I still grieve
I love but with every moment
I fear the new rejection
Despite trusting you
I expect it to end
And me to be
Alone