Knowing the cost

Today I learned that my life has a cost beyond my ability to pay

Today I experienced pain beyond any measure, the spirit tamed

My mind is burning, memories lost, I pray he calls my name

Time remaining is nothing, suffering in time left is my cost

What is Reality

Medical droids prepared me, dropped in a tank
Filled of the solution, for an antibiotic purpose
Burns were healed, but the scars wouldn't fade
And being unconscious for the stay in the tank
I then slept in ways, that made me fear waking
The dreams were without ability to ever wake
As nightmares that replaced dream, flourished
When I was healed I opened my eyes in horror
The world I knew gone, only artifice remained
I've no desire to know whether I'm real or fake
I can only hope that in waking it isn't a dream
Or one calibrated to perform inside my brain
No longer wholly organic, nor machine

Contemplating my Future

In a corner too dark to read, too unsettled to think
I would sip slowly from the glass of iced bourbon
Ice made a rattling sound, announcing it as empty
The silent corner was ideal, allowed loss of burden
Can't forgive my flaws, I can't change them either
My mind loses all focus, so endure, with courage
My life a catastrophe, I kept reliving my tragedy
Drama and separation, existence erases a legacy 
To live in a present, I must escape the black hole
My soul is sufficient but my flesh grieves the toll
I'm an organic machine, all offering no portent
Disease, infection, pain, dreams all evanescent
This is the end, I've no future, fear is in control
If I'd more bourbon to face, embrace my future
Bourbon poured over ice into a glass tumbler
I'd have more courage but not the true kind
It comes from a bottle, it is aged for flavor
So that the end of this story can be honest
When I wake it tomorrow I'll have dreams
The rest of my time, in this dark corner

Led by a woman, the people refused to submit

Through famine and poverty, seeds were well planted
When the few people of the land were told to comply
They'd refused to do so, the struggle began in earnest
Men of the land had been devoured by the royal wars
The elders and young, were working the fields instead
When a widow, wore the armor and carried the sword
Of her slain husband and turned that sorrow into battle
She then led a stubborn resistance, the seeds bloomed
Those with power now shrunk back in fear, of justice
As the harvest of righteous anger brought them doom

The Seed of Malignancy

In my madness, I'd planted seeds of disease
This was a harvest of anger and malignancy
Some who bullied me, do not own me
And as the seeds planted come to bloom
Each of them will fall
I lingered in my anger, such an empty state
I am my own jailer, owner of my hate
When Jesus came to me in dreams
I mocked him, he made offers, I scoffed 
He offered hope with but one condition
But I was the source of pain, of my anger
Far from worthy, but offered redemption?
The life I lived offered stagnation and pain
Instead I held hard upon my hate, waited
A harvest came, I was still insane 
A cleansing fire fell from above
Then dead with my flesh gone

The Refuge

You chased me, never letting me leave your reach
In a world of other names oh you were never meek 
I hungered for hope to hide my heart in a quiet place
And yet you gave me refuge, within my confession
I knew your perfection, in your aura I had a taste
In that safe place, I have found healing, Heaven

Infection and shadows

Simply drawing breath is not living
Within our life is an infection of flesh
All our interactions, convulsive writhing 
We're having complex reactions to reality
With no more feelings, we enter shadows
Every day forced to live in red level pain
We've lost interest and control of the future
Still, we will misremember all of our past
As infection rages, a darkness is blinding
Destroying all the good that we've become
These days are lived without distinction
We'd lost our minds trying to be enough
We no longer understand life, nor love
We will simply endure or simply exist
Until our time is up, and we do not
I want to live, to be infection free
I want to dream, I want to sleep
Instead I live among shadows
And wait to become nothing

1961-2022 Memories

I am feeling sorrow again, with the arrival of my adoptive brother's birthday. He passed in December 2022 and for reasons I won't dig into, someone made it difficult to chat while he was alive in his last 5 years. His loss is amongst the worst I've endured. Thanks for reading this.

Random Circumstance

My love, we met there late, morning was about to dawn 
If my body was weary, my mind so tired, my soul's gone
You offered a smoke, but I couldn't without falling again
But my hardest addiction to kill wasn't a drug, it was you
As my first thought and my last memory, I had not a clue
Then I saw you, my heart shattered, all scars broke apart
I could breathe again, I started crying, for all that trying
Sucking my life from my lungs, made me feel like dying
Because I learned to live without you, and I can't restart
Understand, I truly love you, but can't live with the truth
Breaking again, upon my knees, beyond feeling pain 
If you love me help me and simply, please leave me

Becoming Gray

I'm impoverished, begging for the day's daily bread
My flesh will die, losing my mind, fear as my starvation
Our planet Earth is a vast, a vital green blue world
Yet, we find ways to poison it, drain it until we're dead
Our single species is one among billions in purgation
I wish you all good night, we'll soon no longer dream
Knowing that, we'll not sleep nor even know more
Flesh loses function in decay, skin turns gray
Can't breathe, coughing up blood and bile
Death walks the earth, compiles a list
A man could walk many miles but still
We've nothing that proves we exist
We've no proof of concept or being
None, no elder, no adult, no child
Our extinction is banality in loss
Like every other species lost
No one will live any longer
Without knowing the cost

It Begins, It Ends

I am a spirit, wrapped in a cloak of flesh
I am life, driven by day to taking breath
I am new, no one's wore this cloak before
I am alive, as cells grow, my spirit soars
All I desire to be is unlikely to happen
I long for the events from what I imagine
I'm lost in a world of pain and suffering
Pain will end with the shroud covering
Life Begins and Life will End
We fill in the rest of the time
In desire, imagination, dreams
With extremes rarely fulfilled
But we've hope and free will
It begins and it ends
We breathe in, and out
We believe, we doubt
Existence in the abstract
Is the only portion promised
And even then, with margins
That can be erased as error
When equals seek contact
It is the truth of life
Sip upon the nectar
And be grateful for that

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but 
the parent of all others.”  Marcus Tullius Cicero 

The Rising Heat, In a Cold Place

In an abstract of space, this world is beautiful
In the bright polar sun high over an Arctic sea
One can feel a powerful rhythm of surging tide
For the sea level will rise, the melt soon begins
The world silent during the coming catastrophe
We are fully naive to assume we've more time
Memories of cold, have no power to stop heat
Once we've lost, there will be no place to hide
The terror of unleashed change, holds power
A world of confusion, no one knows the hour

Surrounded by Persistence

My will to resist yet mocks oblivion
Buying my time as I desire existence
To love those with hearts of obsidian
Challenge fulfilled, by my resistance 
To know or scream across a meridian
I will endure, due to my persistence
For I am not divine and live by rules
In return I'll die by fate yet so cruel

 “It does not matter how 
  slowly you go as long 
as you do not stop.” 
                             Confucius 

Requited

To love someone, one must be grateful
For love will inspire and gives courage
My world found hope when first loved
Choosing to live as my heart emerged
Having a requited heart I've enough

Number G-03

Sounds that play repeatedly, triggering East and West
The slow nursery rhyme, or disembodied voice calling
Announces an urgent message sent, wars begin again
The Warsaw Pact is confused and disinterested in war
But NATO waits upon every signal, walls are falling
In the Fulda Gap is an emergency Warsaw Pact reply
The Steel beasts grind through land made for invasion
There are actions by units, still they must wait on help
And aloft go locusts, hovering and firing their stingers
Then the battlefield erupts, with dial a yield weaponry
And by their own hands humans created Armageddon
Survivors grieve the desire to slaughter, destroy others
Bodies broken by war, radiation, biological pestilence
Litter the land around borders, rotting, and marking
The borders are nearly impassible, from radiation
The dead are envied by the living who did not die
They will not worry long, as the echoes of war 
Will ever linger where nothing can survive

To march on the path to the ever realm

In the service to the maker, the Monarch stands
The procession moves forward, in majestic pace
Each step alive, the moment is a new beginning
We have each our own path to walk, life embrace
Bones of the lost remain, remnants of lives gone 
On the path life is forgotten, now laying in fields
The lost lay covered by shrouds, white sheer lace
The Monarch in the realms of dead is powerful 
He rules over gray lands, but bows before the One
Who is beginning and end of all things, worthy
Life itself is a vast mystery, a gift, an enigma
Only the One who possesses enormous power
Can create worlds, beings, heavens and realms
All bearing the signature of a divine being
We shall soon recognize the coming hour
Being called home, an accounting of honor
Reflecting upon the perception of time
All of our visions of any sort of future end
Time will no longer be kept counting
We'll be fulfilled, after finding purpose
Living our lives with grace and hope
When we've transcended flesh and time
Learning purpose, reason by experience 
Living our one chance, in time, in existence
We will truly find our tremendous victory 
Having survived the path and journey
We will stand before the One, Maker, King
Our labors, purpose and worth stand well
Called worthy of our calling and honor
By the maker of all honor and worth

They Tend the Mystic Green

There are beings who live in the grays
Their eyes an almond shape and green
As speaking or singing, velvet smooth
The humans who see them, do not fear
An aura is surrounding them, welcoming
Silent if they desired to present as such
Invisible if intended, a blur and nothing
In a home lair, they may weave or sing
In a mist, they give lost walkers hope
For they sing to show them the path

Cats and Dogs

A cat is thought dumb, by some, for not learning tricks
Dogs are thought bright for being able to learn the tricks
If you considered that as a human hiring for a business
Would an independent worker working when they want
Might instead be thought brighter for having that outlook
If a worker's loyal, does a labor job every day, faithfully 
Does it occur to the observer this makes a worker bright
First off it doesn't matter, but we prefer pets that love us
Dog, companions for millennia, always desire our favor
Cats, living amongst us, some with love, some not, truly
Don't give a shit what we think because they are brighter
Stop thinking one blowing smoke up your ass loves you
Start seeing that independent thought is a good trait

Woof?  Meow!

Spilling the finest vintage

Pouring out the finest vintage, we waste the one thing we have
Sending them to war, sending lives to be war ground into meat
With war parades, claim the moral high ground but we're lying
We trade unique lives with a single chance to live, for some oil
Standing from afar, we complain about a cost to fill gas tanks
When in fact, every life loss is priceless, and we are immune
Casting dreams and hopes, we've made normal existence Hell
Thirst for material wealth leading us to ignorance and doom
Voting for cardboard cut outs, promises and snake oil to sell

In this unfunny comedic tragedy

There is a scent of lavender mingles with a gentle cool breeze
And I am struck by a revelation that Heaven offers even more
Existing in whirlwinds of reality, we lose focus by distraction
A world of tomorrow awaiting birth, I'm waiting on my knees
Trust in any future is fragile, waiting for a knock on my door
I refuse to ever allow fear in the face of disaster and collapse 
If I'm slain by approaching death, how will I reach the shore?
 If I'm prevented from finding you, my heart will turn black
Let me fade from view, let me disappear, covered in scars
My ugly form, fighting its own wars, leave me to spirit
Screams to Heaven went unheard, with none to hear it
The ship is sinking, the storm is unrelenting again
Find me when my body washes upon the shores

My True Quest

As a sound of thunder occupies my mind
My heart beats weakly, now in fear of time
Most have no real answer to the question
How can one find the true path to Heaven?
Must we kill our ego, and have no pleasure
Do we give up dreams, all that we treasure
For me, I shall follow, let my spirit lead
For I'm not holy, and never wore a crown
  Still I do ever seek to find sacred ground
When I find it, I will then remain there
I'll let my flesh fade into quiet nothing
As my spirit at last finds my birth place
While letting me now find my home
Holding sacred ancestors in embrace
My tears will end, my pain will die
For now I've found my sanctuary
I have now found my true life
And will never give it up

“The warrior guided by the spirit serves humanity, the 
warrior without, serves the ego” Soke Behzad Ahmadi

My flesh fades to grey

I've tried to flee, to escape the pain
But I was trapped in the mire, clay
Pulling me down, holding me fast
My world is dying, my hope slain
With nothing left of me, I won't last
Life is so brief as I fade in the rain
Changing from flesh tone to grey
My life is wasted air and chance
As I lay in the cold street dying
My life is a failed circumstance

And still, it is more than chance

If I have no hope, all I am doing, is waiting
My life is without a direction or direct path
But I am comforted and can believe in more
The world around me has a pain escalating 
The future is one that offers only the wrath
Eternity is a beckoning, as belief in my core

Bowing before the Wind

The wind blows the grass, into rapturous response
Bending towards the maker, the king has his court
His will is for all to prosper, but with interruptions
Dreams of young are to thrive and elders to survive
The truth is lost in the seeking of our own pleasure
To desire, to hunger and find victory, the treasures
Some of the grass will bow, others be broken down
In the end the voice of the creator of wind is heard
Songs of redemption are a sound on sacred ground

Psalm 95-6 
Come, let us bow down in worship,let 
us kneel before the Lord our Maker;

For My King, I Live and I Die

To be a knight, I'm required to be more than human
Chivalry demands I hold tight upon my redemption
To care for the weak, defend the defenseless, truly
I must lift my sword, with hope, in morality, grace
I was woven in weak flesh, my sinful heart, I stand
For my king has sanctioned my new knighthood
The world belongs to few bearing his noble's blood
If he falls, the land will pall, and become lifeless
The land is bound by how a king lives, or falls dead
Carrying his sword, as his sacrifice, as his right hand
I long to serve him, live for him, and die in his stead

“some men say in many parts of England that King Arthur is not 
dead, but had by the will of our Lord Jesu into another place; and 
men say that he shall come again, and he shall win the holy cross.”
                                                             Sir Thomas Malory

In Sleep, Waiting

Long I have slept, healing from my body's tragic wounds
Knowing what I've lost, I hunger in dreams to be renewed
I dream of a kingdom, as it lays in wait, paradise on earth
Our land blessed beyond wounds, blessed above any curse
Faeries of the Lake heal my wounds upon a sacred ground
My sword awaits my hand, held by gracious Lady Nimue

Both Hero and Mother

A warrior of great skills, yet not allowed a victory
She was not allowed to have ego, but she dreamed
Armored and armed, she was highly trained to slay
She also displayed skills to fight, she slew dragons
Born long ago, amidst the famines and the droughts
She had fought wars, with her husband, and hopes
With her goals fought to reach and attain, valiantly
She'd learned that if personal victories may fade
Measuring goals reached for others along her own
The true dream is to serve, and to reach by love
She fought for each innocent as she slayed beasts
She saved many children from burning villages
Never having children, she had become a parent
Her heart was vital, never failing or losing beats
She mothered children of strangers into futures
Her life had meaning, her life allowed victory
She entered the hallowed halls of the Gods
Her time on earth helped others, selflessly
As a companion to her samurai husband
They protected their kin, and village
While loving and leading their own 

InhonorofShirleyNess19262012

New Chances

We lost our planet Earth as polluted oceans don't support life
Some of us would escape, but we couldn't continue on Earth
For decades every ounce of energy was devoted towards a plan 

Our pioneering crafts were sturdy, also carried billions of lives
Our embryo passengers were our true cargo, for species survival
Other craft carried building, futuristic living devices and shelter
We shouldn't have assumed we'd find success but we had too
If we'd not gone forward with hope, we might've not endured
Years of space travel had left most of the astronauts exhausted
Eventually, upon our arrival at our new home, we felt hope
We promised ghosts of the past, this world we will keep safe
For our species has made mistakes, but we need not repeat
And aware of our choices, we can guide a new generation
Into a new outlook and appreciation of our second chance
This time we'll be able to make the most of our efforts
Of our endurance, and of our species survival

Ad astra per aspera

Perfect purpose and being

Walking, we look out and wonder the purpose our lives and thoughts
While before us a ray of the sun's light illuminates the glorious wild
As gatherings of beings or vegetation know without knowing facts
With no straight lines, nature is content to exist, to share the space
For ignorant of the chemical compositions or the cause of scents 
They will yet make use of energy, of foods they eat, and of water
Deer stride into pathways long since walked into the forest floor
Silently by nature, neither in fear nor in a play filled abandon
The world beyond the forest is but rumor, or sound, or disruption
Life doesn't beg for permission, it exists, and is every bit alive
The animals, the sunlight, sound or scent all demand existence
The importance to them is woven tightly, artfully with the green
And none of them think philosophically about causes or reason
They exist and they simply are

RISING UP

I've walked for months, trying to escape this urban blight
The world around me remains broken, stunningly broken
In this world of darkness, where there's no hope or light
Now a child rose, in the middle of the chaos, the chosen
Calling for the rising up, a revolution of beings in stasis
All planets will never come into alignment, never caring
All alone, in knee deep failures and million mile stares
We're led by the innocence of a child, and beg for more
Life in a penal system, trapped in questions not asked
Is freedom worth this pain, is it a choice for our life?
As we follow, seek the light in perpetual darkness
We ask the question, shed the lies, we find answers
We simply must be patient, be wisdom, prevail
The child shared in her moment, all the prayers unspoken
Everything we'd wanted, still was not there, and still
If we'd known all our lives we had meaning
We now had hope, even alone and quiet 
It wasn't yet known, it was hidden behind the veil
So simple, we'd needed to ask, trust and find
Take revelations found 
and with the sun 
                  rise

“Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim." Ovid

“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit"Ovid

A Kind of Hunger

The commons of the village are filled people and flocks
They are going mad with fear, anger, and their hunger
Famine and drought have acted in accord, devastation
All the while the King, his advisors, kingdom's attention
Focused as he is upon wars and defeating their neighbors
All ignoring villagers as they gather, to give him a reply
Which will come, without doubt, with violence, anger
As the King is ignorant to the plight, curious to rage
He'll finds choices to act to be few, uninformed to woe
So in his orders to the army, will all be aimed within
The disaster for the villagers will begin and will end
While the King will eat well, no longer wondering
But the seeds of revolution will some day bloom
And his self righteous outlook will be riddled
Without seeing his own end happening
It will feature for all death and doom
But their blood will not bring life
The famines will go on

Artist Kathe Kollwitz 1867-1945

She is Everything

In the pitched darkness, she is my hope, she is my light
Her soft voice whispers, I love you, you are my knight
Comforting me, giving rest, allows me to pass the test
The companion, who allows one to complete the quest
I was broken but now I'm chosen, at last ready to fight

My 2

I've shared the lives of many cat princesses, all beautiful, very bright
I worry that my end of life will not come before the current two leave
They have lifted me in ways other people can't understand, believe me
This is to share the fact that I'll go blind if they pass, I'll lose my sight
My heart doesn't need to be broken again by the loss, my heart is true
I need them to walk on me, wake me for food, chasing passing lights

The Verdant Source

We'd danced in the shadow of the waves
In lush green surroundings, an inlet wrap
The flesh as if it was beloved, and adored
In movement and song, we'd stood apart
Ready as morning's tide returned in rush
In those rising water we created offerings
Moving in an innate and rhythmical act
To merge and melt together, in a caress
We celebrate intimacy in that moment
For in this place we remember, we exist 
And in this place we have exalted life
For we might finally know joy in heart
By this way we usher in the new seed
Making union to plant and carry it far
Wrapping it all in deep verdant grace
Eden is so alive with our presence
We will make this ground sacred
Raise our kindred with hope
And live in and linger in love
In our future forever

“The poetry of the earth is never dead.” John Keats

Red Skies and Entropy

Torn by all the screams and collective fears untamed
A grave pain broke me within
It left me chafing at my restraints
This black, spiked and studded leather harness
 Seized tightly about my flesh and my mind
This torment can burn for days
Countless are all of my shames
Unable to breathe or hope
I am trapped by this empty time
Consumed by true terror 
By a noose ended rope
The life is presented
One of a being composed of absolute rage
Blinded by hatred's consequences and scars
My world is aflame with visions 
Visions of Armageddon
All of our lives are trapped 
By the true reality of false dreams
Of futures of entropy and doom
In depths of oblivion and dawn
If there is hope for some
Perhaps there is none for me
I am imprisoned
Since

The Choices are without number, because we never listen
No one bothers to count, the tasks go on
and on

The same result, every single time, the same.

Taken from the other side, and then ripped into the present
Without a father, a mother with such fear it'd wounded her
To speak my name, in the blazing fire of the sun, I spoke it 
Closing my eyes, now blinded from a pain burned into me
Knowing I'd been separated from hope, not giving consent
I'd paid a cost so great, had to leave this home, a wanderer
My future obliterated, my past erased, a heart now broken
I've nothing to keep for myself, even less reason to return
I can see, life isn't easy, nor is it hope filled, or adventure
In fact, whatever our existence, we ignore the truth of it
All the while dreaming, we just hope for something else
Praying our purpose allows failure, praying to survive
Or we'll have wasted this chance too, like all others
Too wounded to do any more than to live and die
Composed of a master's artwork I still fail
Again and again and again, I will lose
Smothered in thick clouds of a fire
Burning last remnants of hope

Mortality fades, but eternity beckons

There is terminus in life, with masterful clarity 
We shall see how worth has been a false hope
Grace and mercy is our greatest treasure
But the whims of life are capricious
Full knowledge and wisdom lay behind a curtain
A sort of veil when lifted shall allow understanding
But it is better to believe, than logically figure
Because our own knowledge 
Is not as having God's knowledge
Our being comes with having desires
But not as our God's desire for our being
Forgive, hold fast upon finding your standing
Futures are all unknown, but fate is the wind
Blowing all of our seed beyond this destiny
What remains of all the dreams
Nothing remains but life
Vast green fields and oceans blue
And plans that come to naught
And understanding of truth

Impermanence

Live without hope, to dream without sleep
To breathe with no air, scream without sound
My life was forged in pain, life without relief
To find greater love without a sacred ground
My life is given substance, promises to keep
Existence lost in oceans, all sorrow drowned
Futures flail about in meaning, as I bleed
Falling without impact to the everlasting
If a life is one that does not end, I dream
πάντα ῥεῖ, Impermanence lingers
Waiting for the next moment
Revealed as torment, as forever
As an unending cycle
Constantly turning
A grinding and moving
A light never dimming
A light without shadow
Forever no longer impossible
With belief, with dream, with hope

Fleeing, Still Trying to Find a Way to Escape

I've tried all my life but I can't escape
Being made to labor against my soul
Never able to find a throne, in silence
Each escape falls in torture, to forsake
Esteem is failing, life is made hollow
Because I am grateful, I once lived
And had my chance to forgive
In a life that had free will

The Remnant Flesh

Swallowing dead flesh and destroying disinterest
Casting out nightmare, constructed with lost dreams
The hunger consumes apathy, and casts out entropy
A cadaver rises in a suit of flesh, unable to escape
Entering my bloodstream, aimed by sharpened stake
Eventually my silent form falls into the abyss
Along with the rest remaining active hive